I feel very ambivalent, like I lack perspective (but hope is abundant!), but I am not sure; this state of not knowing and being unsure of myself and what I do is tough
posted by ahtlast93 to health & fitness (4 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
(this is written very uncleary, probably because it's scattered in itself, so sorry about this, and thank you)
I'm a 22 year old studying visual communication. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD predominantly inattentive and have been prescribed methylpenidate, which I'm not sure is helping. The ADHD diagnosis, was kind of a step for me in general, as I acknowledged that I want to look for this kind of help; I feel this opened me up in general to others.
A team (psychologist, psychiatrist, physical examiner) diagnosed me, and assessed me as highly intelligent, as they thought I came through schooling largely undamaged for someone diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood (hmm dunno)
I'm about to graduate (hopefully) this year from college, this last year being especially difficult because the curriculum assumes a higher degree autonomy in making projects: previous years have been more assignment based and had a more organized schedule, which, at the least, created deadlines and high-stress situations which I seemingly need in order to produce things. It wasn't much easier before, I would often be very slow and show very little progress as time went by, only to finish with some bombastic out of the blue solution. Some teachers understood that and were generally excited, but for me it's torture, as it's going through a gruelling two months to only reach one finaly day where it all comes together, and then from an angle unknown to me (which is fine, and is exciting, but not without problems)
We have to create our own projects, and explore our own interests, along with the occasional commissioned assignments (for which I'm very excited about). I find this difficult, as I find I can get genuinely interested in just about anything, and my work has generally been more about the approach and how I deal with it, rather than what I deal with.
But maybe I have a hard time seeing what sparks my curiosity… Maybe because I sit around the internet all day long, always scouring for information, like I'm hoping to find some kind of answer there, or information.
I frequently feel inadequate and believe that everybody has some reason to either hate me or be annoyed by me, even if others make it clear it's quite the opposite; this train of thought is usually automatic and I feel, even if not true, that by thinking about this, and walking around with no confidence, I feed this (this is not something crippling, I do go out, but feel like I adapt my behavior too much to be to someone's liking). I know, rationally, that I'm not a bad person, people usually tell I'm nice, which I guess I try to be, at times too hard, ending up in me getting hurt.
It's not all that bad though, when I do produce things, it's usually very much appreciated, and people get excited about what I can do, and what I can potentially do, calling it often "original" and "fresh", but it's so frequent that after a teacher invigorates me with good comments and critical judgements on a projects, empowering me to go on, I exit the class completely happy and excited, only to find no way to continue things I started the day after. I, myself, hardly ever like what I did very much.
Maybe because I set out to fail as I soon as I start, and expect perfect results right from the get go. I get jealous of others' skills and always have an idea that I should be able to do everything; make music, make films, draw, paint, organize, know everything etc. etc. Which in the past was a good thing, as I feel like I have a wide skill set and know a lot of things, which frustrates me, because I'm not sure exactly what my specialty is, but I was (teachers again) ensured that it's exactly this what my strength is, to act in many roles.
I'm not sure if the Ritalin is helping as well, I feel like it makes me less messy and overall I did do more since starting it, but it still happens that I spend the whole day doing nothing when on it. I suppose this is the secondary part of it, the habitual learned stupid stuff that comes ADD, which just needs willpower to eventually overcome. Or is it? The annoying procrastination that needs external factors to get out of the way (15 DEADLINES, FINISHED TOMORROW, PRINT TOMORROW MAKE MAKE NOW NOW)
(by "doing nothing", I mean, producing anything, as I still feel like I'm doing something, always looking for information and knowledge to absorb which does to some extent feel like doing stuff (it is indeed research), and it makes me tired, but it has become obsessive and useless)
But the past two days have just been a slump, which I, knowing myself, will probably get out of, but I feel like, even if I'll feel better I will still feel aimless. I'm kind of drifting through, every now and then reacting to something by making things.
At times I think I feel nothing at all, not really sad, nor really happy, and I'm wondering whether this can be something to worry about? I haven't cried in years, and sometimes wish I could.
I'm mostly just unsure, perhaps I'm just not doing enough, and I definitely haven't lost hope. I'm still dream, thinking of stuff I can potentially do, either one day, or now, which kind of keeps me excited. I understand I'm an ok person (although I feel like a really bad person too) and I understand that I have potential in my chosen field (although I also feel like I can end up to be a complete failure) and I also understand that I'm fairly intelligent (although feeling incredibly stupid all the time).
I feel like I disappoint people and like I put on a mask. Like I'm completely different with one person, and then completely different with another, and then completely different with a group, feeling like I'm hardly ever being truly myself and just honest. This makes me kind of lonely, and I'm not sure who to turn to always, because I'm scared to be a burden. The worst is that I really need this kind of communication, I have a hard time with people at times, but really do need them.
I even don't know what I'm asking here, to be honest, reread this, and its indecisive. I'm just wondering if there could be another thing next to the ADHD. Next week I will finally start the actual treatment with a therapist/coach, but not sure how to adress.