Pulling the Fat out of the Fire
November 19, 2008 9:01 AM Subscribe
I have fucked up yet another academic semester. This is the third time--I fucked up as a freshman, took time off, came back, fucked up again, took more time off, and came back and have repeated the cycle. Only now, now that I've realized I've shot myself in the foot again, I desperately want to recover my academic career somehow. Is it possible? Is it over?
posted by anonymous to Education (34 answers total) 38 users marked this as a favorite
The story: I should not have gone to school straight from high school for a wide variety of reasons. College did a LOT for me in terms of personal/social development, but due to depression, ADHD, procrastination, and persistent self-sabatoge, academically it's a wash.
Crashed and burned after the first few semesters. Took over a year off working in the real world. Came back full of hope and promise, changed major. Repeated old academic habits, crashed and burned again. Took more time off, worked in a different area of the real world and developed an appreciation for a degree that would get me off of minimum wage. Came back full of hope and promise, changed major. Repeated old academic habits, have now crashed and burned for the third time.
Habits are as such: Attend the first few weeks of class. The material is interesting, as always! The conversations with the professors are interesting, as always! This is going to be it! This semester I will SUCCEED!
I miss an assignment and/or a few classes. I fuck around on the computer, I get behind. I feel ashamed about this and decide I won't go back to class until I am caught up--MORE than caught up so I can return like the prodigal son. Of course, I never catch up and spend all my time procrastinating and fucking around. Shame deepens, I escape further into procrastination, fucking around, internet addiction. End semester with series of Fs, sometimes do not even attend final exams. This semester I am on schedule for that track, having whittled my schedule to a shadow of what it was in the beginning of the semester and turned in no homework and failed all tests for what classes were left.
Each time I've come back, I've been thinking that if after my break I can pull some really good semesters until graduation, that will sort of redeem me in the eyes of any potential employers or grad schools. But with only three semesters left now, this one already full of failures, two breaks and all my other semesters of failures behind them, I am afraid it's a lost cause.
But it can't be! Yesterday my counselor gave me the revelation that I have been fucking myself over with the big "shaming voice" inside my head, and I've been letting it turn me miserable and listless in the face of the most minor academic failures, turning small failures into big ones and giving it more ammo. Unfortunately, while this revelation led to a night of some of the most furious and successful studying of my life it was not enough to pull this last midterm out of the fire, and has basically doomed my grade for yet another class this semester.
I feel--no, I know--if I could have had a handle on this sooner my academic life would have been a lot different. I want to try academics again, anew. How do I do that? I have so few semesters left, and so little money, that starting over somewhere else would be silly. Is there anything I can do to salvage this semester? To salvage the rest of my academic career? I don't even know where to start.