Does any woman want to date a woman with no experience?
June 2, 2012 9:12 AM Subscribe
I'm a woman who identifies as queer and is out about it. Until now has mostly dated and had sex with men. I have always been more attracted to women though, and do not want to date guys any more as I just do not have the same romantic feelings and it turns out badly for everyone involved. But I am scared no woman will ever want to date me because of my lack of history dating women and my lack of confidence in talking to them. Apologies for the length.
posted by Hey nonny nonny mouse to Human Relations (16 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
I am sexually attracted to both men and women. While I have felt strong friendship emotions for the men I have dated, it has never approached the strength of feelings they have for me. The thought of spending the rest of my life with a man is unimaginable. Whenever I have felt strong romantic urges it has been towards women. Whenever I fantasize about a partner to marry or a wedding, it is with a woman. When I am on a date with a guy, I am mostly concerned with getting laid. When I am on a date with a woman I like, of course I want to have sex, but I'm also nervous and excited and wondering if she will like me and if the date will go anywhere serious. I could go on but trust me that I feel a lot more strongly about women even if my sexual feelings are for both.
Despite this all of my "serious" relationships have been with men. I am very bad at talking to women. Very bad. It took until my twenties until I was able to form normal friendships with other girls*. Whenever I am on a date with a girl or trying to talk to a girl I am romantically interested in I become completely tongue-tied and nervous, I lose all of my confidence, I never know what to say and it's just awful. It is easy talking to guys, probably because I do not care as much, and essentially all of my relationships have arisen from long-term hook-ups that just kind of developed into relationships. After months of casual hooking up limerance would develop, I would be interested for a few months, maybe half a year, and then while they would fall in love I would just continue out of fondness and inertia (no, this is not healthy or fair to them).
Now I am pushing my thirties and the older I get the worse my nervousness gets because now I am also concerned whether any woman would ever want to date me. In this day and age everyone starts same-sex dating so much younger. I worry any woman I try to date who finds out about my history will think I'm a poser and going to leave her for a guy. I do not have enough sexual experience to be confident in bed with a woman, even bicurious college girls will probably be better at it than I am. This is very disconcerting because with guys I feel very confident in my sexual abilities and my ability to satisfy my partner. I have no such confidence with a woman. It would be one thing if I was in my late teens, early twenties, then my peers would probably be used to me not being experienced. But what woman in her thirties wants to date a fumbler? Also I am pretty nerdy and I have yet to meet any queer women who are not impossibly cool and hip and I feel completely intimidated.
I just don't know what to do. I try to start dating women, I fail miserably, then an attractive guy shows interest and I hook up with him because I want to have sex and it is so much easier. I am pretty clear about the lack of long-term potential to him but it still makes me feel guilty. It also underlines that maybe I am just not queer enough to ever date any girl.
I know this is all very insecure and crazy, and I probably come off like a big teenager. But I just don't know what to do. I feel like two people in the dating world: around guys I am this confident, capable Casanova who can find a hookup easy. Around women I turn into a little nerdy kid who's never talked to a woman they're not related to. I try to channel the Confident Me but it has yet to work.
Has anyone else been in this situation? How much of a detriment is my age and lack of experience? Input from LGBTQ women would especially be appreciated.
*Part of this was when I was growing up I was mixed up about gender identity and womanhood and had issues defining myself as a "woman" until I realized my issues were with the stereotypes of being female rather than actually being female itself.