Why do I have to hang up first?
December 6, 2011 10:46 AM Subscribe
Help me figure out and overcome my instinct to distance myself from my SO.
posted by anonymous to human relations (19 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
Long background short: we've been together nearly a year, he's made me happier than I ever thought possible, when I look at him I could swear he lit the very stars in the night sky, etc etc... and I also spend an inordinate amount of effort trying to cut short the time I spend with him. I have a few theories about why I do this:
1) Pushing him away before he can push me away, that tired old cliche. After this many months, I still get freaked out when he unexpectedly suggests we hang up or head home, and become convinced that he's sick of talking to me or I've placed the final straw of my annoying presence upon the camel's back. Note that I'm a crazy insecure person in general.
2) Perhaps related, I hope that if I deny him my presence, hanging out with me will become more of a rare commodity, and less likely (or less rapidly) something he'll get tired of?
3) I generally try to limit all activities that I enjoy. Watching TV, eating sweets, you name it. I figure if I enjoy it so much I'll tend to indulge to excess, so if I actively try to avoid it I'll probably end up at a good balance. Probably a habit instilled upon me by parents.
4) Sometimes I worry that the more time we spend together, the more chance there is that some conflict will come up, spoiling the positive mood. Then when I look back, I will have an overall negative impression of what would otherwise have been an awesome day/evening/weekend together. I hate the idea of ending on a bad note.
Maybe I should mention that this is the first relationship I've had that's given me this giddy, limerant feeling. I really like it, but I'm aware that it can't last forever, and I'm really dreading the day that it all just... evaporates. I hate the idea that he'll gradually grow out of treasuring or even enjoying my presence, and eventually we'll be so used to each other that it won't even be special that we're together.
I guess I've come up with a lot of reasons why I might try to avoid spending time with this wonderful person, or why I'll needlessly end a conversation with him, just to avoid the split second of hurt that comes with him ending it on me. But none of these reasons sound that reasonable to me, so maybe you can help me think these things through, or at least figure out a more constructive way to manage my big bag of worries.