First Time Dating Blues.
March 20, 2011 9:13 PM Subscribe
How do I overcome insecurity in the first stages of a possible (first) relationship?
posted by themaskedwonder to Human Relations (14 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
First-time dater, here. I recently hit it off with a co-worker/friend, whom I've been "seeing" for the past couple of weeks. He's a little older than me -- I'm 23, he's 29 -- but I feel that we click, solidly, both personality-wise and sexually.
The problem is that I'm terribly insecure, and trying not to show it and/or drive him away. I've never "dated" anyone longer than 5 weeks (and I barely liked that guy -- it was a bad match from the beginning, but I was bored and craving romantic attention), never had any crushes reciprocated, etc. -- basically, all of my sexual experience comes from one- or two-night hookups that I started experimenting with in my last year of college, many of which ended in (my) heartbreak. I mean, I had my first real kiss at the tender age of 22.
I'm pretty good at hiding all of that information, as I've subscribed to the "fake it til' you make it" notion and had some success with it in the last year -- as in, I've become more outgoing, learned how to dress/do my hair/wear makeup, and have gotten a lot more male attention because of it -- to the point where people seem somewhat surprised when I tell them that I've never been in a relationship.
I feel that all this is why my co-worker was attracted to me in the first place, and now I'm afraid that this image is going to fall apart and he'll be repulsed by the neediness/insecurity I've managed to hide somewhat up until now.
I know that he's had three long-term girlfriends and lots more sexual experience than I have had. (I'm still an intercourse virgin because I wanted to wait until I was in a relationship, but I've decided not to reveal that until/if it gets to that point.) I think he likes me -- we've gone out a few times, he holds my hand, we crack each other up, and, maybe stupidly (on my part), we've moved pretty quickly to bedroom activities. But I'm starting to freak out royally. Example: he was busy all last week and I took that as a sign that he was totally over it and wanted nothing to do with me...and then I saw him this weekend, and everything was fine. I even cancelled my normal activities so that I could be "free" in case he called, which I know is ridiculous, but I couldn't help it, because I really wanted to see him. And I'm jealous of his extremely beautiful ex-girlfriend, and his hoardes of pretty, female friends that all live around this area and hang out with him frequently.
I suppose I'm so used to men not reciprocating my feelings and fading away rather than simply telling me they don't like me that I'm expecting the same thing to happen here, but I want to believe this has potential. At the same time, I don't want to freak him out by pressuring him to make it "official," even though I very much would like to be in a relationship with him. I guess it's hard not be anxious about it since I've never been in one or had sex, and am craving both very much.
That was long and rambly, so thanks for reading. Um, how do I fix this? I don't want to be anxious, or wondering what he's doing, or upset at myself for thinking that his gestures mean any more than they do. I really don't want to scare this guy away. (And don't worry, I haven't done anything crazy yet -- no confrontations or scary text messages -- just worried and beat myself up. A lot.)
Thanks MeFi -- you've never steered me wrong.