Dealing with insecurity in the BDSM/poly life
October 22, 2012 10:15 AM Subscribe
BDSMfilter: Newbie male bottom + experienced poly top = insecurity vortex! Help!
posted by RockPuppet to Human Relations (13 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a newcomer to the BDSM community in my city, and recently I met a woman who is very experienced in the local scene. We've gone to some events together and played in the bedroom a couple of times. This is the closest I've ever come to having a real "play partner", after many years of being alone with my kink.
I'm now starting to have strong feelings for her, complicated by the fact that she's polyamorous, something which is a totally new thing for me. I don't have a philosophical problem with the poly life, but experiencing it first-hand is making me aware of some of the emotional pitfalls that can come with it. I'm pretty insecure about dating at the best of times, and this takes it to a whole new level. She seems to enjoy my company enough to make time for me once a week or so, but she's not terribly demonstrative verbally — I truly don't know what, if anything, she thinks of me. We've never discussed the details of how she structures her relationships, and I have no idea how many partners she has. But just knowing that she has other, more experienced people to play with leaves me wondering what I could possibly have to offer her that she's not already getting elsewhere. I want to be able to relate to her as equals, but I feel like that's not possible when I'm in the dark as to what her expectations are, and whether playing with me is even meeting any of her needs.
I know that this is not a healthy dynamic, and I really, really want to communicate with her about this. I care a lot about her, and I'm excited about exploring this world together. But I'm wondering whether maybe the excitement is all on my end. It would be so great to know where we both stand, but I don't know how to broach the subject without sounding needy and insecure — or presumptuous, for that matter. Is there a good way to bring this up?