Am I terrible in bed or sexually repellent? And if I am, how do I find out and fix it?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I am a heterosexual woman in my mid forties. I have been married twice and had one other fairly long term (7 years) relationship plus quite a few shorter term liaisons but I'm currently single. I had a lot of sexual partners, mostly in my youth, but as time has gone by I have ended up being mostly alone.
Recently, I met somebody, had a great time and then was summarily dumped, with the explanation that I was just "too vanilla". OK. That would be one thing, but the boyfriend before that had trouble maintaining an erection (and we tried viagra, but it didn't work) which, eventually, he blamed on me being too "sexually aggressive." The boyfriend before that had no complaints, but he was much younger than me. The boyfriend before him just never wanted to have sex - it took an old girlfriend of his to tell me that he was kinky and felt I would not be interested, so he just broke up with me for unspecified reasons. Many years ago, my first great love told me I was boring in bed, because I came too easily., Then, my second husband said I was too complicated in bed. So it's very hard to tell.
I like sex. I think of myself as a fairly open minded person. I am all about the oral sex, the various positions, the general everything that one person with a penis and another with a vagina can do with each other. I think sex is a joyous and a fun thing, an expression of love, or, hell, deep like, or,when I was younger, what happens after an evening of drinking when the sun comes up. I never thought of myself as having sexual hangups. By the time I was in my 30s I had given up on one night stands because I realized that I needed more emotional closeness to really be happy, but I didn't think I was sexually impossible. I don't have a whole lot of strictures but honestly I have never seen the need for toys and I am uncomfortable with anal stuff. I just like getting naked with a guy and getting, well, down to it. I have orgasms pretty easily through vaginal sex. I like having sex three or four or more times a week. I can't quite figure out why you need props. I mean, I just like a little foreplay, then sex in a couple of positions, we both have orgasms, we are - or I thought we were - both happy and we smoke a cigarette and go to sleep. Apparently that isn't enough?
Everything was okay for a long time but given the last ten years or so, now I think there must be something terribly wrong with me. I was worried for a while that my vagina was deformed or something but I've known my gyno for 15 years and you would think she would have told me. I don't think I'm physically too big - actually, larger penises hurt a bit and I'm happier with the smaller to normal ones. Nobody has ever said anything about that. I am thinking now that I must just be terribly boring or maybe I make awful noises or I guess there's just something off? If I smell bad would the gyno have noticed it?
So. I think I do come off, probably unfortunately, as a wholesome kind of girl - I cook, I make things, I tend my house and my garden and my animals, etc. I have raised my children (now grown) as a single mother and done it, I think, pretty well. I work; I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I have had guys tell me that I'm the kind of girl you don't mess around with unless you're really serious. Fine. Whatever. Oh and I'm conventionally supposed to be quite attractive. I mean, I'm heavier than I want to be (I'm an American woman) but I am by no means grossly obese and I was in my twenties considered beautiful.
What I want to know is this whole sex thing me or is this some awful run of men? Am I really terrible in bed? Am I boring and awful? Do all men expect something - and if so, what - extra now? Is everybody else using things I know nothing about? Do I have to learn about toys and stuff to be okay? Is there something wrong with me? Should I go to a different gyno? Who should I ask about this stuff (besides askme)? How could I find out if I'm sexually normal?