I feel like I'm going to get my ass kicked for this question after my previous
question, but here I am back again, except I've turned another corner in the relationship maze and am as lost as ever.
There are some updates, though. My stinky boyfriend, for the last 2 sexy-having times in a row, voluntarily got up to shower just as things were beginning to head that way. We also celebrated our Valentine's day last weekend, and he volunteered to drive to our destination. This was after a state of the union talk I had with him shortly after I posted my first question. So, things are looking up.
But here I am again, Saturday night, and my boyfriend is doing what he does most weekend nights... smoking pot and watching movies with his friends. I have decided to stop going if I don't feel like it, which will greatly reduce our chances of seeing each other (I am very busy during weekdays because of school), and I want to see what he does about it (if anything).
I find myself fantasizing about a guy who will call me up one weekend afternoon and ask me what I want to do that night, what I might find fun, or just invite me to dinner and we can chat the night away. I don't think this is unreasonable, but then I think about my boyfriend and how he's been enmeshed in this routine of his for literally years, and he's only just met me roughly 5 months ago. I don't have a core group of friends nor even one good friend, so I don't know what it's like to be used to a certain kind of company or person and then have to "sacrifice" spending time with them for somebody new. In the beginning of our relationship (say, the first 2 months), he did spend much more time with me than with his friends. But he told me straight out the other day that neither one is more important to him than the other; I am exactly as important to him as his friends are and vice versa, and he will not prioritize either one above the other.
I am of the opinion that a SO should be your favorite person, your best friend, the person you spend the most time with, but is this realistic? Especially with online dating, where a new person just materializes into your life and you don't know how long they will be around, is it fair to ask someone to significantly alter their social commitments to be with you?
If his feelings deepen for me, will he come around and feel more compelled to do that on his own?
For those with established friend groups, how did you spread your time between your SO and your friends?
It doesn't help that he's shared with me details about his ex made him delete all his friends' phone numbers a few months into the relationship and how they spent every free minute together. He said he was a fool in that relationship, that he complied with her every ridiculous request, and that he will no longer do that for any woman.
I feel like I am paying the price for what she did to him.
But I am more alone than I thought; if I break up with him, I will miss having someone to vent to, someone to kiss me on the forehead, someone to call me every night.
But I need someone who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread; is 3.5 months of dating too soon for those feelings? Should I give it a few more months? I keep thinking what we need is more time. I don't know why, though. I am also weaker than I thought, as I can't break up with him until I can bring myself to believe that I will find someone else who will put up with me and my insecurities.
I feel like I shouldn't even date until I get my insecurities in check, but I have been working on that my whole life, and probably will for decades to come. I don't want to wait decades before I start dating again.
I have tried to make peace internally with the idea that I might break up with him, but every time I look at him and envision the words coming out of my mouth, I feel nauseous. I lie in bed with him and I feel like a fake. During intercourse, my mind wanders (to be honest, the sex isn't that good... but that can improve?). This is such a baby of a relationship, but it's my first, and I can't seem to let it go until I know for sure that it's good and dead.
And even if I do inevitably end up breaking up with him (sometimes it feels like a monster about to burst out of me, other times I feel a tired resignation as I keep lowering my standards for him), I need to learn a whole lot more about relationships before I get into another one and what are reasonable requests to make of boyfriends. For instance, I now know to ask, on the very first meeting, how they like to split driving duties, dates, how many hours of video games they play, how much time they spend with friends. I now know I need someone who wants an equitable relationship, who isn't consumed by virtual reality, and who thinks it important to spend quality time together, alone.
I do know that I like having a boyfriend; I used to feel quite special to him and I love that feeling.
Note: I have suffered from depression and still do, occasionally, though I have a much better grasp on things now that I've learned not to always believe what I feel when the voices in my head tell me I'm worthless, unlovable, neurotic, etc. I know I can be neurotic and overanalytical, and I actually think being with my boyfriend has helped me with that a little bit, because he is at the extreme other end: completely carefree and able to cast any worries or problems right out of his head... until he eventually has to deal with them. But he does take the edge off things (when he's not sharpening other edges lol).
Another thought I just had: when you meet a cool new person and start a friendship, you don't spend every spare minute of your time with them; that would be creepy. But why is that expected of an SO? Isn't an SO just a friend you have sex with? I feel like my boyfriend and I could be okay friends because we get along well enough; I guess the feeling I want (and have heard tell of) is the jumping out of my skin with desire and excitement to see the other person. I'm really not the kind of girl to get overly excited about much, so I don't know if I am trying to feel something I may not even intrinsically be capable of feeling.