He is pushin me away, but does not want me to leave :'(
February 2, 2010 1:59 AM Subscribe
My S.O.'s life is falling apart and has decided to break up with me, however, S.O. has requested that nothing change. (LOOONG, so sorry)
posted by penguingrl to Human Relations (73 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
My S.O. and I have been together for 2 years. We had been friends for 4 years prior. We have a fairly great relationship, with the exception of some communication issues that we have always been able to sit down, talk, and overcome. These past two weeks, our lives have come to an absolute shrieking mess. We had been talking about getting married and had finally saved up money to buy our wedding rings. Since he also needed a new computer, we both agreed to just buy the engagement ring and use the rest of the money to buy him a new computer. We also agreed not to spend any of the money for anything else until we bought the ring because we did not know the final amount. Unfortunately, he went ahead and bought his computer. I was so upset and felt like he was not prioritizing us, but he argued that he felt it was ok since he left more than enough money plus more for my ring. I had let it go because I felt it was a valid issue and he still insisted on getting the ring, so we bought it.
Flash forward a few days and he finds out one of his good friends from high school tragically died. Flash forward two more days, he finds out his grandfather was in the hospital and is on the verge of a stroke. Add the fact that he has this new job with a huge learning curve that he feels he is not getting and fears they will fire him.
With everything going on, I tried to be supportive. I asked him if he was going out of town for the funeral (so we could set aside money) and he said no because he thought it would look bad to take time off from his new job so soon. I decided to take this as set in stone and proceeded to plan our anniversary (it was this Saturday) and ran the plans by him (to which he was happy about). Then, I overhear him telling a friend about his plans to go to the funeral. I was upset because a) he did not tell me he had changed his plans and b) he forgot about our anniversary plans. I understand that funeral trumps anniversary, but I felt like he wasn't keeping me in the loop.
Long story short, we got in a huge fight (my insecurities fueled that he may not have wanted to get the ring and forgetting our anniversary was some hint that he wasn't really committed). I said I wanted to take the ring back because it felt like it was putting too much pressure on us. He got upset at the fact that that meant I didn't want to marry him and completely shut down. Frantic that he wasn't talking to me, I (stupidly) gave him an ultimatum that if he didn't want to talk to me before he left, we were done. So he said we were done.
Flash forward to now: he is back from the trip and while we had texted throughout the weekend discussing that we would try counseling, he comes home and says he no longer wants to try. He said he was done trying and that "life is just so overwhelming right now and I am so tired." I would have understood that if it was a clean break, HOWEVER, he stated the following things:
1) he does not want to move out and does not want me to move out.
2) he does not want to publicize that we have broken up to anyone.
3) he has requested that i do not date anyone and has agreed not to date anyone.
4) he still wants to hang out and has not asked me for space
5) when I asked him (because we are very close and very compatible) how I deal with little things, like sending him a text when something funny comes up or if I want to see a movie with him, his reply was, "then text me. tell me the movie and we will go."
6) he reiterates that he is still very much in love with me and cares for me deeply.
All of this defies what a clean break is and I am not sure if he is just overwhelmed and breaking things off with me is the one thing he has control and say over and he just wants to exercise that right or if he truly wants to break up. I feel that if he was done, he would be done with bags packed and would have another place to live lined up. We have so many good things in our relationship. We are kind and patient and loving and are on the same page with one another 95% of the time. Our friends always comment how envious they are of us because we are so great with each other and truly work well with one another in having a successful life together. It was just a horrible, horrible week.
PLEASE, anyone, inform me of your past experiences. Give me insight on how I should approach this. He is not a malicious person that would do the whole "have my cake and eat it too," so please consider that. I am willing to stay in this situation and be his friend and put him first, but I am so scared that I am losing him (or have lost him).