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Should I break up with my boyfriend?
February 12, 2012 8:49 PM   Subscribe

Should I break up with my boyfriend?

I think I've read enough relationship filters to know that if I am bothered enough to click my way onto this screen, things might not be looking too good. Sob story as follows:

Been dating my first boyfriend for 3 months. Problems arise.

Bad stuff:

1) Has a habit of showering once a week. Junk, very frankly, stinks. Asks for blowjobs on a regular basis, and I basically try to hold my breath through it. Not pleasant. I've mentioned it a few times and he'll shower more, but then go back to normal. I don't usually make a fuss about it when we have intercourse because I don't smell it (as much), but I've been getting BV, and I don't think the uncleanliness down there is helping things. I am fed up with this though and will enforce a "no shower, no nookie" rule. Question: is this too strict or mood-killing?

2) Claims he hates driving. All his friends are enablers and drive him everywhere. I do most of the driving as well, mostly because I invite him places and then feel obligated to drive. I am resenting this more and more though. If I say I hate paying gas money and auto depreciation, does that let me off the hook too? Question: even if I am doing most of the asking (otherwise, we’d sit at home and do nothing), should I float the idea of taking turns driving? What if he says no? How do others handle driving scenarios where one person does most of the asking?

3) More boring than I thought. At the beginning of the relationship, he suggested all these fun activities we could do like wine tasting, fishing, hiking, bowling, boating, what have you. Now, what we do mostly every weekend is hang out with his friends, smoke pot, and watch movies. If I ask him to do things, he is mostly amenable to the idea, but I feel weird making him pay his half of things sometimes, since he is broke a lot. I’m in school and get an allowance from my parents, but it's basically my savings. From the beginning, we’ve gone dutch, but I’ll treat him to meals sometimes to be nice. He has bought me decent presents for my birthday and Christmas. We’ve gone out to eat at a semi-nice restaurant exactly once in our relationship. I wish it were more often, but he lives at home (as do I), and his mom cooks nice meals for him, so I can understand his reluctance to spend the money to go out. (Yet part of me is like… once a month shouldn’t be so hard to swing.) Question: keep asking him to do stuff? Or accept that he has a different idea of fun than I do and leave to find someone more compatible?

4) Attention has gone way down in a very short period of time. He used to call me every night and we would talk for hours on the phone. Now, our nightly phone conversations are 15-30 min. He gets home from work, plays computer games for 6 hours, calls me before bed, and then is too fatigued to talk much and has to go to bed. I have suggested he call me earlier, but he has not taken me up on that suggestion. I don’t call him because I don’t want to bother him. He puts me on speaker phone while his friends are on the headset so they can all hear me and that bothers me. Question: Does this show waning interest or is it just the natural result of knowing more about each other and having less to explore?

Good Stuff:

The fact that I am hesitant as I’m writing this is, again, not good. Probably because I feel like this could describe almost any normal, decent guy. He’s easy to talk to, he occasionally makes me laugh, it’s, quite frankly, nice to have someone to text or call and just not feel like a complete loser. He’s very honest and earnest. He is also very stubborn, which I don’t like, because I am stubborn as a mule (how did a negative get into the “good stuff” category?) I feel like in any relationship, there needs to be one person who is willing to let up a little bit, and sometimes I feel like we get into stalemates because neither of us wants to budge.

Gosh, I don’t know what else. I feel like in some ways, I’ve half made up my mind to end it, but that’s the problem… it’s only half. And then he’ll surprise me with a small gift or do something sweet for me, and all is forgotten… until the next time.

The other part of it is I’m clueless about relationships and, in many ways, my own feelings about them. It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much; I have a tendency to be neurotic and dissatisfied with people, things, and situations that are actually perfectly adequate. I’ve learned to not always believe what I feel, because sometimes I have poisonous feelings that have little to no basis in reality.

What I envision in a partner is someone I can respect, admire, feel lucky to be with, want to improve myself for. I want someone who’s crazy about me in return, someone who understands my occasional insecurities and is willing to talk me off the ledge. Sometimes I feel I may not be deserving of that, since I don’t have my career figured out yet and still live at home. But at the same time, I understand that’s what I need in a partner. Being in an ambivalent relationship is not painful per se, but it’s like a dull ache. And I can see how if this goes on for years, it will slowly destroy the soul.

I keep thinking it’s been too short a time and that I don’t have a big enough “sample size” of events to accurately judge. I feel like I should give it another couple of months, but I also feel like I will just keep getting more attached and am afraid I won’t have it in me to leave down the road.

I’m 23 and he’s 24, btw.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (101 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

This is the only reason you're still dating this loser. There is absolutely no other upside to this relationship. Dump him immediately and move on.
posted by Sfving at 8:53 PM on February 12, 2012 [73 favorites]


Yes. No hesitation, just dump and run.
posted by bolognius maximus at 8:54 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


it will slowly destroy the soul.

Do you really need to say or think about anything else? All your complaints sound totally valid, but it wouldn't hurt to put your foot down and see if he balks.

If dating someone is this much of a chore for you after three months... well, I see where the soul-destroying part comes in.
posted by supercres at 8:54 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


After three months? If you're not feeling it, you are not feeling it. It's perfectly OK to break up with someone. This doesn't mean they are a bad person; this doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just means two decent people don't have great chemistry together. Move on. It's fine. (And for future reference: 3 months is, for most people, still the proverbial honeymoon period. If things have a chance of going long-term, the spark should still be pretty, well, sparky at this point.)
posted by scody at 8:55 PM on February 12, 2012 [15 favorites]


Frankly, it doesn't sound like you like HIM very much - it sounds like you like being in a relationship, and that's why you're sticking with him. Three months is plenty of time to figure out if you're compatible with someone, and it doesn't sound like you're compatible with him.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:55 PM on February 12, 2012 [4 favorites]


The other part of it is I’m clueless about relationships and, in many ways, my own feelings about them.

It took me way too many boyfriends to realize that Rule #1 is: stop dating guys you don't like.
posted by mokudekiru at 8:55 PM on February 12, 2012 [59 favorites]


Pros: occasionally makes you laugh, exists
Cons: inattentive , stubborn, boring, sedentary, smelly junk
posted by nathancaswell at 8:55 PM on February 12, 2012 [85 favorites]


DTMFA. As you said, you're looking for someone you respect, and I don't see that happening here. It doesn't look like he respects you much either.
posted by Runes at 8:56 PM on February 12, 2012


Why are you still with him? You only seem vaguely into him at best. Break up with him. And keep in mind for your future relationships, that you should not only break up when things are bad, but when things aren't good either. You don't have to wait until things are completely awful or you guys have some terrible screaming match. Just do it, and don't feel guilty about it for a second.


(and I am really, really squicked out by the showering-once-a-week thing. that's pretty fucking gross, and solid deal-breaker.)
posted by myelin sheath at 8:56 PM on February 12, 2012 [5 favorites]


It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

um, wha? you're 23. also, you've only been with him for 3 months.

don't stay with someone just bc you just need a warm body around.
posted by violetk at 8:57 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


(ok, that last part might have been a little too personal and judgey. But if you think it's gross, then it is a perfectly good reason to break up all on its own.)
posted by myelin sheath at 8:58 PM on February 12, 2012


He sounds like a loser.

These are not high expectations or unreasonable things you are asking for. Your description is assuredly not of "any decent, normal guy." Your description is of a selfish loser and of someone who isn't mature or grown up enough to be compatible with you.

I don't doubt that he's basically a decent guy. Most people are. But you're plainly not compatible, and if you realize that after three months, now is the time to leave.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:58 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


Break up with him and go find someone who will do the aforementioned fun things with you.
posted by daisystomper at 8:58 PM on February 12, 2012


With all due respect, it definitely sounds like you're basically asking us for validation/permission in making a decision you've pretty much already made - a sanity check, basically. And we'll confirm that, based on what you've written, yes, you should go ahead and - without being actively cruel; it sounds like he's not a bad person per se, just a shitty boyfriend - break things off ASAP.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:59 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't usually make a fuss about it when we have intercourse because I don't smell it (as much), but I've been getting BV, and I don't think the uncleanliness down there is helping things.

Gross.

What would you do if your friend confided that her boyfriend's dick was such a biohazard that it was making her sick after they had sex and he was doing nothing to change that problem.

DTMFA.
posted by JimmyJames at 9:01 PM on February 12, 2012 [12 favorites]


YOu think this might "describe any normal, decent guy?" Um, sorry. You're totally wrong about that. Once you find a normal, decent guy you'll understand that.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:01 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]


The fact that you took the time to write this and laid out so many negatives means you're already done here, but you haven't admitted it to yourself. Dump him nicely and move on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:05 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


If there were other things to recommend the relationship, I think you could work around #1. "Shower before nookie" is a perfectly reasonable rule. But #3 and #4 make me think the relationship has run its course. Especially since your description of #4 makes me think the loss of interest is going both ways.

Break up and move on. You'll find someone new, and so will he. It's OK.
posted by hattifattener at 9:05 PM on February 12, 2012


Comment from my girlfriend reading over my shoulder:

At three months you should be fucking like bunnies and at the zenith of limerance. Dump his smelly, pedestrian ass.
posted by JimmyJames at 9:08 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


Normal, decent guys take showers. Twice a day if nookie is offered as a reward.

Seriously, he sounds like an immature mooch. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone who treats you well and is fun to be with.

What I envision in a partner is someone I can respect, admire, feel lucky to be with, want to improve myself for. I want someone who’s crazy about me in return, someone who understands my occasional insecurities and is willing to talk me off the ledge.

That's a great list, and not unreasonable at all. You absolutely deserve this, and your current guy won't provide this even if you stay with him for a million years.
posted by Forktine at 9:10 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


Uh, what? Three months in and you're already having all these problems? DTMFA, just the hygiene issue alone is enough to jump ship...gross. Also it sounds like you have some pretty serious self esteem issues so I'd suggest therapy for you as well.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:11 PM on February 12, 2012


You are not expecting too much, especially when it comes to wanting someone whose personal hygiene doesn't A) gross you out and B) potentially cause health problems. Three months into a relationship you should still be enjoying spending a lot of time together and it should be shiny and happy and exciting for both of you.

Seriously, you're 23. You'll find someone else, and he probably will too once he learns to clean himself up and pay a bit more attention to his girlfriend.
posted by andraste at 9:12 PM on February 12, 2012


What everyone else said, but also:

You sound like you're insecure and try really hard to please people ("nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life," "don't know if I'm expecting too much," "is this too strict or mood-killing?" "don't want to bother him"). I just wanted to chime in and tell you that YOU DO DESERVE what you want in a partner and shouldn't have to settle, regardless of whether you "have your career figured out" or live at home or whatever. That stuff is just a red herring. It's great that you're willing to please your partner, and a good guy will appreciate that and reciprocate, not take advantage of it by refusing to shower (!!!!!!!).
posted by sunset in snow country at 9:15 PM on February 12, 2012 [10 favorites]


OK, seriously, I'm the last person to tell someone to break up with someone over the internet, but this:

At the beginning of the relationship, he suggested all these fun activities we could do

When you've been dating 3 months? So he had like a month of wanting to do fun things with you?

I mean, think of it this way. If he stays exactly the way he is for the rest of his life will you be happy staying with him?

I'm sure he's generally a good guy and totally nice to have around. But you should be looking for someone who makes you ecstatic to be around, especially this early in the relationship.

I keep thinking it’s been too short a time and that I don’t have a big enough “sample size” of events to accurately judge.

This would be true if so far he had been totally awesome. The first few months are when you're supposed to be trying your hardest in a relationship. It's not going to magically start getting better because you tried really hard.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 9:15 PM on February 12, 2012


Dump him.

Here is all I needed to know: He is someone who lacks the maturity to understand that you can shower once a week, or you can ask for blowjobs frequently, but you cannot do both.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:17 PM on February 12, 2012 [44 favorites]


Stopped reading after the shower part, dump.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:19 PM on February 12, 2012 [12 favorites]


It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

DUDE. You are 23! It is WAY too early to be worried about this! Also, it is way too early to be dating some guy you clearly aren't into!

Please, for me, just break up with and MOVE ON.
posted by grapesaresour at 9:21 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Are you serious? I actually did read all 4 of the bad things and yes, you can do much, much, much better. Guy has no respect for you or apparently himself. It will not improve.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:23 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


I LOVE/hate your question because it annoys me that anyone, especially a female, would ever believe it is OK to put up with ANYTHING you described.

----

Oh, Doll.

You're lovely. Dump this guy immediately. Set your sights higher in the future. Be OK with the fact that it might take a long time for someone worthy to show up.

In short, value yourself more.

---

I wish I could erase this guy from your experience, but you chose it. Learn from this Bad Choice.

------

Move On.
posted by jbenben at 9:27 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]


...someone I can respect, admire, feel lucky to be with, want to improve myself for. I want someone who’s crazy about me in return, someone who understands my occasional insecurities and is willing to talk me off the ledge.

This is indeed possible and realistic. He is out there and you'll never ever find him while you're hanging out with this overgrown child. You are wasting time here and you'll regret it.
posted by jacanj at 9:28 PM on February 12, 2012


To expand on my answer a bit, you actually sound like a pretty awesome person who is compassionate, thoughtful and have a lot to offer someone. You deserve so much better. Please believe me when I say that. You need to believe that you're worthy of deserving better, because you are.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:33 PM on February 12, 2012


The other part of it is I’m clueless about relationships and, in many ways, my own feelings about them. It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. Okay, I felt this when I was 23 too. It's really, really bad and you have to fix it. If you think this way, you will settle for someone who is not right for you and that will suck your soul. Everyone is deserving of an equal partner in love, okay? Keep repeating that until you've got it.
posted by bananafish at 9:33 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Good Stuff:

....

Gosh, I don’t know what else.


Says it all. He doesn't have to be a horrible person for you to end things. It seems like you're telling us that you're really not into this with him. That's fine. You can break up with him. Find someone that you're a lot more into. It's okay.
posted by MoonOrb at 9:37 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


This dude must literally reek of charisma for you to put up with all of this.

Dump him.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:39 PM on February 12, 2012


Aaaahhhhh he doesn't shower and it's making you sick?!?!

I kind of skimmed the rest because my eyes were refusing to focus on any more horror show acts like NOT SHOWERING OH MY GOD NO AHHHHH.

(I'm 24. Trust me: you have better options. Basically almost all of the options are better than this.)
posted by jetlagaddict at 9:52 PM on February 12, 2012 [8 favorites]


I am fed up with this though and will enforce a "no shower, no nookie" rule. Question: is this too strict or mood-killing?

Honey. What mood is it, exactly, that features repeated requests you put reeking, unwashed genitals in your mouth? Whatever it is, I think it might need killing. With fire.

He’s easy to talk to, he occasionally makes me laugh, it’s, quite frankly, nice to have someone to text or call and just not feel like a complete loser. He’s very honest and earnest.

You can get all this from any good friend. Either there's more to it or you can do better.
posted by gingerest at 10:01 PM on February 12, 2012 [24 favorites]


You didn't really add anything under the Good Stuff column. Just iterated through a two properties of a normal, decent guy. Lots of them out there.

Man, dump him, he sounds like a dull loser.
posted by mattoxic at 10:03 PM on February 12, 2012


Please break up with this smelly man.
posted by timsneezed at 10:06 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]


You are not a complete loser. You're clearly a generous and thoughtful person. You can and will do a whole lot better. DTSMFA.
posted by gingerbeer at 10:10 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


He also sounds a bit passive-aggressive, what with the refusal to shower. Ew.
posted by bearette at 10:14 PM on February 12, 2012


I think by this point you've had your question clearly answered, I write only to tell you: It is OK, and even good (great) to set up boundaries in relationships. You really should do it. A very obvious boundary would be that you do not do sexual activities that you do not like or make you uncomfortable. Sex when he doesn't shower would clearly fall into that category. So perhaps make that a rule for the future? That's OK to do and doesn't make you dumb or boring or prudish.
posted by Happydaz at 10:17 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


You are TWENTY-THREE. You are several decades too soon to be settling for the first barely passable guy who comes along. Please, dump this loser and find someone who has enough respect for you to wash his junk before putting it in your mouth.

You sound like a thoughtful, intelligent, considerate, and very reasonable person. There is no way that you won't do a million times better than this dude.
posted by keep it under cover at 10:21 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


Doped up on cold medicine yet seriously insomniac, I fear this won't be my most erudite answer. And it contains an acronym that, as a n00b, I have not yet used on MeFi. I think. Hon, we like you. Find your peeps. He ain't one. With these caveats herewith my heartfelt response to your points.

Bad stuff:
1. EW.
2. Ew.
3. Ew.
4. Ew.

Good stuff:
1. Meh.
2. Meh.
3. Nope.
4. Oh right, was actually more bad stuff.

Conclusion:
DTMFA.
posted by likeso at 10:23 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]


This relationship isn't going to last, one of you is soon going to dump the other, and that problem will be solved. I hope it's you who does the dumping for the sake of your self-esteem.

What's more troubling than this particular jerk is that you have so much trouble asking for what you want. Take the sex stuff for a start. Why are you giving unpleasant blowjobs when you don't want to? Why do you feel obligated to give them but unable to even say "shower first" beforehand? Why do you care so much if it's a "mood killer" for him when you don't even feel like you deserve to be in the mood, too?

Please work on your self esteem. Is there a therapist at your school you can see for free? You can do a million times better than this dude, it's true, but you show people how to treat you, and if you don't have self-respect then others won't respect you either. If you don't get help for yourself you're likely to end up in another relationship like this or worse.
posted by hazyjane at 10:24 PM on February 12, 2012 [17 favorites]


Been dating my first boyfriend for 3 months. Problems arise. ...

...followed by a wall of text, which I honestly didn't read, because no 3-month relationship should have a WALL OF TEXT on AskMe, half of which is headed "Bad Stuff".

I skimmed the "Good Stuff", and it was actually more bad stuff.

Yes, the answer to any AskMe about a 3-month relationship requiring a wall of text is: DTMFA
posted by MuChao at 10:26 PM on February 12, 2012 [9 favorites]


DTMFA!

First of all, the shower part is just gross. He knows how you feel, and disrespects you enough that he doesn't even shower before asking for that extra special attention? Piss on him.

Second, the fact that he's sitting on his lazy butt smoking pot instead of enjoying life in the presence of your company indicates to me that at six months, he'll be sitting in his wife-beater in front of the TV yelling, "Honey, gimme a beer." And that will be about the extent of your interaction and conversation.

Seriously, this guy's useless. Take what you know now about relationships, get out there with your wonderful self, and find a guy you deserve.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:30 PM on February 12, 2012


I dunno...I think I have to be the one contrary voice here. I'm not sure I'd kick this guy to the curb so fast. I mean, what percentage of people make you laugh every so often? Less than 100%, I'd wager. And he clearly has a texting plan of some kind. How do you know you'll be able to find another guy with a cellular telephone? It's not like they give those out for free to anyone who wants one! Plus, he clearly cares about the environment and doesn't want to use more water than absolutely necessary, so cut the guy some slack. Seriously.
posted by The Dutchman at 10:39 PM on February 12, 2012 [13 favorites]


I can imagine someone maybe just not realizing what failing to shower for a week does to one's private zones... I can imagine someone, in this state of ignorance, asking for sexytimes.... But, what I cannot imagine is a decent human being learning how stinky and gross their genitals are and then not learning from this. Think about it: how would you respond, if your partner told you your hygiene was getting in the way of sexytimes? Would you ever, ever, ever ask for oral sex again without being 100% sure that you were clean as a whistle down there? Would you make a half-assed effort to shower regularly for a short while and then go back to pressuring your partner for oral sex when clearly in a disgusting state? No? Why not? Here's my guess why not: because you, respecting your partner, would care about his experiences, comfort, and sexy-mood.

This isn't just a hygiene problem. This is a respect problem. You have let him know that his stink is a serious problem... And it's not that he just ignores the issue by just not asking for oral sex when he hasn't showered... Oh no: he still pressures you for it when he hasn't showered. That's showing a total disregard for your feelings and experiences. He does not respect you.

But... to answer the questions throughout your post, where you ask if you're demanding too much... I don't think you respect yourself very much, either. I do not think this is a thing someone who respects herself does: giving someone a blowjob when that person is so dirty that it makes her sick. You are willing to put up with something you hate and which makes you ill to avoid upsetting another--that's you disrespecting your own needs and wants, for the sake of someone else's. But, you know what? You deserve to respect yourself. Please, pay attention to what everyone is saying: you are not asking too much. It is not wrong to stand up for what matters to you in a relationship. Sticking up for yourself, making clear what your needs are, and refusing to be treated poorly will not leave you relationshipless for the rest of your life. Instead, that's how you get and maintain a good relationship in the first place.
posted by meese at 10:41 PM on February 12, 2012 [10 favorites]


You don't have to break up with him right away (but please PLEASE stop the funky disgusting unwashed sex, oral or otherwise).

But you must break up with him sometime and preferably soon, while you still recognize at some level that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Otherwise I see you, in five years, a sad-eyed, empty woman in her late twenties, who spends her days working to support her sofa-ridden lout of a husband and her evenings on the same sofa, eating junk and watching mindless TV to try and stifle the small voice inside of you that tries to remind you that once, a long time ago, you dreamed of something more.

PS: Being single can be amazing. And it has nothing to do with being alone.
posted by yogalemon at 10:45 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think you misstated your situation: "Been dating my first boyfriend for 3 months. Problems arise."

I think you should have written "Been dating my first boyfriend for 3 months and things are not gelling..."

3 Months is the PERFECT time to walk away:

because things aren't what you expected...
because he hasn't executed on his promises...
because you want something else...

Why stay for another 3 months, when all indications are that you'd be writing this letter all over again?
posted by calgirl at 10:55 PM on February 12, 2012


Yes.

Yes, you should break up with your boyfriend.

You don't love yourself enough to be in a healthy relationship yet. The things you're envisioning in a future partner, the stuff you think you don't 'deserve'? Those things are the baseline of a good relationship.

You're not expecting too much. You're settling for so little it's criminal. I think a therapist can help you find out why that is and help you learn to stop. Please do it - you'll spare yourself so much misery in the future if you learn to break these patterns now.

You can do this. Good luck.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:59 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


This is all part of the experience of learning how to live with people and who you want to live with (if you do).

Look, according to what you have written you have made a good faith effort, asking for things you want/need in the relationship and... he is not really reciprocating or making the long term effort.

All of this is ok, that is what part of being young is all about. You do not need to marry the first person you have a relationship with, in fact usually it is a bad idea. There will be some pain and sadness in breaking up, but you have learned things about yourself and about the process that will be good, use those things find someone better, more active, a little less computer gamey and perhaps less into smoking dope so often.

I suspect this question is all about asking permission to do the breaking off... give yourself that permission and you will be better off than asking us, your instincts are good follow them
posted by edgeways at 11:01 PM on February 12, 2012


Dude - 3 months - first relationship - smelly junk.

You two are not meant to be together. Move on.
posted by mleigh at 12:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dump him. And yeah, I would say 99% sure he's giving you BV--as far as I've heard from doctors, uncleanliness, any extra bacteria, can totally cause them (though so can scented soap and anything that has the potential to change your ph). And he could totally help it by washing often enough. So, he's giving you a sexual infection. On purpose. Basically.

That alone is dump-worthy. Not to mention the other negatives.

You deserve better and you will have it--just never with this dude. Take a minute (or a lot of minutes) to be single, do things that make you happy and build your confidence.
posted by manicure12 at 12:47 AM on February 13, 2012


I'm nauseous.

Have you been reading the press? Are they telling you there's a worldwide man shortage? Remember, men are clueless and can't help it! You won't find anyone better, so hang onto this one for dear life, lest you be ALONE.

I'm sorry, I could go on, but reading this has made me feel sick and put me off my food for the rest of the day.
posted by tel3path at 1:34 AM on February 13, 2012


i'm sorry, but 1. is disgusting. nobody should have to put up with that. i used to work with somebody who had hygiene problems and it was revolting. i cannot imagine being intimate with somebody like that. run away. fast.

have some self respect and don't put up with this.
posted by canned polar bear at 1:50 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


RUN. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. And don't look back!
posted by gomichild at 2:04 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


RUN. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. And don't look back!
posted by coriolisdave at 2:05 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Run. RUUUUUUuuuuuuun. Gomi and coriolisdave have it. get out now. Being alone forever is better than that.
posted by jonathanstrange at 2:10 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Who drives is negotiable, but they have to shower before they get in the car.
posted by tel3path at 2:27 AM on February 13, 2012 [25 favorites]


He's not the guy you thought he was or want him to be. You asked him to better his hygiene so that things can be better between you two, but he hasn't bothered to stick with it.

Life is too short to be grossed out by someone who should move heaven and earth for you once he's made aware that you're uncomfortable with it and have health concerns about it.

There's a better guy out there for you.

See this question from someone who doesn't put up with this sort of thing if it's quite obvious.

A few months ago, I was putting up with it. I finally put my foot down, and he responded in a manner that indicated that he had zero respect for me, and he hasn't been a part of my life since. This, plus other things, spoke volumes about him. Life is too short to put up with anyone who doesn't give a fuck about your concerns.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:27 AM on February 13, 2012


As far as the driving thing goes, if either of you have concerns, you should voice them and have a discussion about it. If you find yourself doing most or all of the heavy lifting in whatever aspect, bring this up and talk about it. His response, or lack thereof, is his answer.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:31 AM on February 13, 2012


If your boyfriend wants a taxi, he pays for a taxi.

One of my FWB's likes to drive, so he generally drives when we go someplace. In return, I pay for parking and generally buy the food. This arrangement works for us, but it might not work for everyone else. You have to find a balance that works for "you" and "your partner".

What his friends do with him doesn't matter, if he uses that as an excuse. If you're not comfortable with driving your partner around, put your foot down and don't do it.

With this guy, put your foot down on the accelerator, and drive the hell away.
posted by Solomon at 2:32 AM on February 13, 2012


No story, just an observation.

Friends who have stayed in relationships for years because:

1) they wanted to be "nice"
2) they didn't want to be alone
3) they didn't have "super good" reasons to break up
4) they didn't think they would find anyone else
5) breaking up is hard

...usually realized, weeks or months after breaking, that:

1) they were still nice people and breaking up is not a mean thing to do
2) they could be alone, though not always pleasant, was completely liberating
3) they didn't need super good reasons for breaking up; wanting to leave was enough
4) they did find someone else; some were pursued by many people!
5) breaking up is hard, but losing 4 or 6 or 7 years for the above reasons was harder

P.S. You already know the answer.
posted by mild deer at 2:56 AM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Yeah, I guess you get the point about unwashed genitals. People here have mentioned it a few times already as a universal dealbreaker, so perhaps we can move on...

Divvying up driving duties, like most everything else in a healthy relationship, is usually some delicate dance of give and take. Maybe your partner doesn't feel safe night-driving, so you split duties that way. Maybe your partner hates highways, so he does all the local stuff. Or just, whoever happens to want to drive at that moment, drives. It's imaginable that you've negotiated an "asker drives" rule for whatever reason, but there is certainly no natural or social law that dictates it.

The problem, as you already know, is that you're doing all the asking.

Do yourself a big favor, close your eyes and pull that guy out of your life, fast like a Band-Aid. Don't let it linger, don't wake up three months from now thinking "OK, I'll dump him - tomorrow." I know this is your first boyfriend, and that's a hard thing to do, break away from someone who finally entered your life. But you know what? There are a lot of guys out there, and a lot of your life left to live. If you're stumped on how to go about breaking up with him, there are tons of AskMes that give advice about how to break up with people; folks here are really fond of Miko's Breakup Guidelines.

You can do this. And when you do, please consider some form of therapy to help you with those self-esteem issues. Maybe join a club or volunteer somewhere to meet new people and get some social action?

Good luck, Metafilter is rooting for you!
posted by Chichibio at 3:00 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I urge you to buy a copy of this book to learn to set boundaries. It's hilarious and very empowering.
posted by tel3path at 3:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


1) Question: is this too strict or mood-killing?
No. This is a normal and reasonable expectation.

2) Question: even if I am doing most of the asking (otherwise, we’d sit at home and do nothing), should I float the idea of taking turns driving? What if he says no? How do others handle driving scenarios where one person does most of the asking?
It is preferable for both parties in a couple to share expenses and inconvenience engendered in doing stuff together.

3) Question: keep asking him to do stuff? Or accept that he has a different idea of fun than I do and leave to find someone more compatible?
It can be very dull to become the activities co-ordinator for someone who just can't be bothered to think of things (let alone organise or facilitate anything). You could do fun stuff on your own, with your other friends, and leave him to fester away in his own filth.

4) Question: Does this show waning interest or is it just the natural result of knowing more about each other and having less to explore?
After three months? No. You should both still be fascinated and thrilled by each other, not bored.

I agree with everyone who says you should withdraw from this unfortunate entanglement. His behaviour is so bizarre, so appalling, are you sure he isn't trying to actually drive you away?

The task is clear before me; now I just need to work up the nerve and method to do it. I do have self-esteem issues, and I've been socially starved for much of my life that I am too grateful for any attention I get.

You know, I'd tell you to just be brave and tell him...but I kind of half wonder if you didn't make contact, and initiate togetherness...would he? Or could it just fade away into nothing? If that won't/doesn't work, "This isn't working for me. I'm sorry, but I don't want to continue seeing each other." Maybe write a letter? Is there likely to be a big noisy scene? He doesn't sound the type.

You sound very nice, and thoughtful and well intentioned. It always makes me sad to read these kind of questions, from people who sound so nice, but who don't seem to recognise it, and put up with the most atrocious behaviour, because they are used to it, or are so lonely even a bad relationship looks all right. It ISN'T. I hope that you will put some of your good heartedness into forging good platonic relationships so that you will have a better bank of good friendships to draw upon, and won't end up in this situation again.
posted by thylacinthine at 4:15 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


Okay, driving is something I can handle without wanting to kill it with fire! I can't drive; my boyfriend has, for much of our relationship, lived out of range of public transportation. He also enjoys driving. I definitely spent a lot of time asking if he was cool with driving to my place, and to the other places we frequent. Now, I'll take the train to at least the correct state every so often, even though that's expensive, to try to make up for it. (And I still feel bad!) Another friend gets paid in fancy cheeses to drive me to the grocery store. The point is that no, it's not at all an automatic thing, even if you could handle gas and parking without thinking twice. I really appreciate when my friends with cars help out by dropping me off at the train station at night, for example, but I don't expect them to do so.
posted by jetlagaddict at 4:49 AM on February 13, 2012


Lazy self-centered stoner man-boy. He might grow out of it, but it might take 15 years, or longer. Are you willing to take that chance and wait? It doesn't sound like you are, and I think I can speak for the hivemind here when I say it's not recommended.
posted by Diag at 5:12 AM on February 13, 2012


Regarding driving: I don't like driving, either, especially on highways or in high traffic. That means sometimes I have to take the bus or just not go, and that seems like a fair consequence to me. It's immature to expect others to cover for your unwillingness to do something.

Plus, it's not a good idea to keep doing favors you resent, unless there's a really good reason the person is asking (like, they're gravely ill or something). Either do 'em willingly or don't do 'em.

And, not only does he not shower, but he doesn't care that his stank affects you! Man. Good relationships sometimes involve the uncomfortable "honey you smell like rotten feet" "oh shit I'm gonna shower" conversation.

Anyway, you've heard all this in the above comments. A relationship is not like a job: you can get by without one, so you don't have to settle for something crummy or boring. If you raise your standards, you won't waste as much time on the fools who don't meet them. You know what to do; don't feel bad about it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:29 AM on February 13, 2012


As far as driving goes: no, it's not a standard assumption for asker to drive. It could be decided by convenience, by who likes driving more (and offers to drive more because they like it) or dislikes being a passenger more, by which car is more comfortable or reliable, etc. But if one person is doing most of the driving, for whatever reason, then the other should be at least offering gas money (true for dates and for friends in general!), especially if the driving arrangements are a favor for the passenger's preferences.
posted by songs about trains at 5:45 AM on February 13, 2012


Regarding driving: If both people dislike it, you take turns. If one person doesn't mind it and the other hates it, the "doesn't mind it" person usually does the bulk of it.

If A and B are going to do a fun activity somewhere, it doesn't matter whose idea it was - there's no "asker does the driving" rule that I've ever heard of. But, if A and B go somewhere together as a favor to A, it would be polite for A to offer to drive. (For example, A asks B to come help move A's friend's couch).
posted by insectosaurus at 5:49 AM on February 13, 2012


Please dump this fool's stank, crusty ass immediately, and for god's sake, tell him why or he will do this again and again.
posted by elizardbits at 6:20 AM on February 13, 2012


But I am still curious about the driving thing, for future relationships--is it usually the person who asks, drives?

There is no set rule about this. Everyone has different circumstances -- the important thing is that it's fair.

My boyfriend doesn't have his car in the city (he's in grad school and has an apartment in the city with full access to public transportation and little access to parking). I live a bit further out in the city -- still with easy access to public transit, but also with free street parking. When we go somewhere we need to drive to, I drive. If he stays over and has class in the morning, I usually drive him. Sometimes when I'm staying at his place and taking public transit, he'll give me a token for the trip home. A lot of the time we'll split the check when we go out -- sometimes one or the other of us will pay in full. In my mind, it works out because we both are trying to keep things even and actively bringing good things to the relationship. That's the important thing when you think about driving places.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:32 AM on February 13, 2012


he just sounds like a smelly, boring, dope smoking loser. Just dump him, you will feel better.
posted by mary8nne at 6:38 AM on February 13, 2012


He doesn't shower enough and makes you drive? I wouldn't even be friends with this bozo.
posted by chairface at 6:55 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Stopped reading after the "we smoke pot...he is broke a lot" part.

You should not feel compelled to pay for people who have money to pay for drugs.
posted by emelenjr at 7:11 AM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


The only times I've gone a week without showering, I was car camping on a road trip. And I wouldn't even go inside gas stations because my stink was impolite. This guy wants blowjobs?

Ditch the stink.
posted by notsnot at 7:13 AM on February 13, 2012


Eeeks. dump him now and do yourself a favor!
posted by pakora1 at 7:13 AM on February 13, 2012


Well, I hope for your sake that you are able to gather the nerve ASAP, I'm not even sure if the break-up method that you use matters that much here. You are so young, and it is going to be such a good experience for you to learn how to walk through the break-up fear and get the eff out of this relationship. This is called: taking care of yourself. This is called: developing self-esteem.

You may have to find a new circle of people to hang out with immediately following the break-up so that you don't get sucked back in due to familiarity and convenience. You're in college, right? Start going to the chess club meetings or something.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 7:37 AM on February 13, 2012


I just want to add that if it feels like a big deal to muster up the courage to break ties with this dude, that's because IT IS. It is a big step that you need to take in order to put yourself in a good position for happiness later in life. Think about that. What a heady opportunity you have here!!!!
posted by lakersfan1222 at 7:55 AM on February 13, 2012


It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much; I have a tendency to be neurotic and dissatisfied with people, things, and situations that are actually perfectly adequate. I’ve learned to not always believe what I feel, because sometimes I have poisonous feelings that have little to no basis in reality.

You're asking a 24 year old man to shower on a regular basis so he can get blow jobs and you think you're expecting too much? No, the problem here is not with you.

You will absolutely not be alone forever if you leave this guy. However, if you *don't* leave him at some point, you'll find out that you were with someone who didn't make you happy... forever. I'm giving you the same advice I give my friends at the end of bad relationships: you won't find anyone else if you stay with him.
posted by sonika at 8:03 AM on February 13, 2012


"But I am still curious about the driving thing, for future relationships--is it usually the person who asks, drives?"

I almost always drive because a) I am a shit passenger and b) I am not a big drinker. So it works out.

On a Big Serious Formal Date, the asker usually arranges transportation, but you can (and, if you know the asker has limited access to transit, should) offer to drive. Just accept no gracefully if they say no. In Just Regular Dating, you just work it out how it works best for the two of you, without it being too onerous on either of you. That might be halfsies, it might be one of you drives all the time, it might be 70/30, whatever.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:17 AM on February 13, 2012


You already want him gone. I do not think this is just AskMe "DTMFA reflex" speaking. You have hardly anything positive to say about him and several really unappealing negatives.

(Also: real pedestrians walk)
posted by ead at 9:12 AM on February 13, 2012


He sounds like a pretty boring, smelly, lazy loser who doesn't know how to treat a lady. You can do better.
posted by misspony at 9:35 AM on February 13, 2012


You already know that you need to dump him, so I won't elaborate on why you should.
But I can address some of your other questions about expectations in relationships, from the point of view someone who has dated a lot:

Showering- 1/week isn't normal, but to me the problem here is that you asked him to do something and he didn't do it. I'm not an everyday showerer, but the minute my bf hinted that I should go take one, I'd be lathering up immediately.
The point is that you want the person you like to like you, and you should of course be able to comply with reasonable requests.

Driving- This is something you resent. You might be right to resent it, or not. I think that if you were in a different situation with someone you really liked, this might not be a problem. Everyone has their "things," and people who like them go out of their way to accommodate their things.
It's one thing if it is causing you to pay more than he is, when that isn't fair, but in general not everything in a relationship has to be 50/50.
For example, I hate washing pots so my bf does that 85% of the time. He hates making customer service calls so I make the vast majority of calls to the gas people or the cable company or whatever.
Money also doesn't even have to be 50/50 but that is usually when you are in a longer-term
thing.
What matters is what feels fair to both of you and what you are willing to do for each other gladly. If no one will gladly take on the driving, then you split it. If one person doesn't mind, they do it and the other person picks up the slack in some other area.

Another thing that might help you is that you need to be really clear about what you want.
No one is a mind reader. Telling people what you want is not a mood-killer or too bossy.
Don't be afraid to speak up and say exactly what would make you happy.
I've seen a lot of my friends have big misunderstandings with their partners because one or both of them aren't just saying it.
Tell them what you want and why it is important, and then if they don't follow through you can be pissed.
You can't be disappointed if they just aren't automatically doing what you want (I don't think this is the case in your current situation, but if you are insecure and shy, it might help you later).

It's good that you recognize that this isn't the match for you. Go ahead and move on, and be clear with the next person about what you want and expect, and sooner or later you will find someone you like whose "things" don't irritate you too much. You just have to keep trying and not get discouraged just because this wasn't the right person.
posted by rmless at 10:01 AM on February 13, 2012


But I am still curious about the driving thing, for future relationships--is it usually the person who asks, drives?

I'd say usually negotiated like anything else based on how the people in the relationship feel about it.

I will say that I never drive - hell, I never even got around to getting a license for where I live now - but that I make up for it by doing other things my partner hates doing, like cooking. He doesn't mind driving, so it works out pretty well. Also, if I'm going somewhere by myself I usually take public transport or walk, not bug my friends and partner to ferry me around.

My point is there are no set rules, you should negotiate something that feels fair to you and the other person.

(not with this guy, though. Not unless he starts showering.)
posted by lwb at 10:06 AM on February 13, 2012


But I am still curious about the driving thing, for future relationships--is it usually the person who asks, drives?

No, there's not a universal set rule like that. It's negotiated between every couple. "Negotiated" is too strong a word for what it is most of the time. It's just talked about and decided. For some people it's so little of an issue that it's never talked about. Sometimes though certain factors come up and might need to be talked about.

Factors that might be talked about include money, time, car condition, distance, the road conditions or whether or not it's nighttime, who drove last, which one of you will drink and which will be the DD, etc.
posted by cairdeas at 11:08 AM on February 13, 2012


It’s just nice to have someone around after believing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

Listen, you're 23 years old. Coming to this to conclusion at such a young age is like being a second grader who's concluded that she'll never be able to read War and Peace.

I'm glad you've considered no longer believing this.

Now I'd like you to try the following phrase "I used to think I had to be grateful for any amount of attention. Now I know that should be pleasant, enjoyable, hygienic quality attention."
posted by vitabellosi at 12:05 PM on February 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


Your most important questions have been answered, I just have a couple of comments on some of the smaller stuff you raised, since you're looking for info to use for future relationships.

As far as the money thing, I'd say it depends on how broke people are. I agree, that going out for dinner once a month is pretty reasonable to expect. It seems like this also affects "fun things" from your point of view. And while fun things often take money, there's a bunch of stuff out there you and someone you're dating can find to entertain yourself with free or on a budget.

I also hate to drive, and will try to get other people to drive (unless they hate driving as well). For example, my roommate almost always drives us to stuff we do together. I keep in mind that this can be annoying, so I pay for parking, or buy them a drink, something like that. I also pay attention to whether it's convenient for them to pick me up, or whatever. I think the key is for someone like me to pay for gas/parking, and to be aware of possible annoyance.
posted by f_panda at 12:57 PM on February 13, 2012


So, for your next relationship, after you break things off with Sulky McSmellsalot:

a) Ask for what you want. If your partner doesn't or can't provide what you want, decide whether that thing is something the two of you can find a compromise on, or if you can accommodate yourself to not getting it, or if it's a dealbreaker. (Hint: Smegma-coated and infectious genitals should always be a dealbreaker.)

a') As several people have so cogently stated already, don't expect your partner to read your mind.

a'') On the other hand, basic rules of hygiene and civility shouldn't have to be restated over and over.

b) Remind yourself that it's better to be free and in a position to find a relationship that makes you happy than to be tied up in a relationship that makes you unhappy just so you can tell yourself you're with someone.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:24 PM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


Ask Metafilter: Smegma-coated and infectious genitals should always be a dealbreaker.

Put me with the chorus. Three months in he doesn't even care enough about being a decent boyfriend to clean his penis. That is all the data you need to make this decision.

If it helps, you'll probably be doing him a favour by breaking up with him - as an (at times) lazy and self-absorbed male person, being presented with the natural consequences of my bad qualities has helped me move towards remedying them.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:06 PM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


About the driving thing: I hate driving, and the people who drive me are doing me a favor. I chip in for gas if it's a long drive or if we've been tooling around a lot. I also suck it up if they don't offer, and I get myself to wherever under my own steam, without bitching and without threatening to no-show because I can't be bothered. Because the world does not owe me a ride, and it's flat rude to suggest that I want to see you only if it's convenient enough. (I might suggest an alternative place to meet if you suggest a place I can reach only by four bus transfers and a brief rappel, but I won't imply you're not worth my effort. Which is what StinkyLove is doing.)
posted by gingerest at 2:18 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


If it helps, you'll probably be doing him a favour by breaking up with him - as an (at times) lazy and self-absorbed male person, being presented with the natural consequences of my bad qualities has helped me move towards remedying them. Agreed! Couldn't have said it better myself.

On the driving question, I'll agree that there's no right answer. Take me and my girlfriend: I live in the city, don't own a car (never really needed one), have limited parking, but am very close to public transit. She lives in a much more suburban area, has a car, but the nearest transit line is a good couple of miles away. If we're meeting somewhere, I'll usually take the train and have her pick me up from the nearest station en route. She's told me she doesn't mind driving, but I generally try to make up for it by paying for her dinner or buying her a drink. In the past (particularly for first-date situations), I generally pushed for someplace transit-accessible so driving isn't an issue.
posted by photo guy at 3:53 PM on February 13, 2012


About the driving thing: I guess I've never thought about it, it's always been kind of a non-issue. Sometimes I don't want to drive and I say " I don't want to drive, will you?" and they say "okay" and vice versa. If both people hate driving then we take turns, which, again, has never really been an issue. I'm not saying that it's not possible for it to be a bigger issue in a relationship than it ever has for me in any of my relationships, but in your case it just sounds stupid. If you want a break from driving he should just offer to take turns. Does he hate driving more than he cares about you? Sounds like it.

As it turns out, I usually end up being the driver because I am the non-drinker. What that also means is that I control the radio, because, hey.....driver's rules. Usually when I'm the DJ I will attempt to strive for compromise. But if I'm dating some guy who's going to be kind of a dick about driving then he gets "Top of the World" by The Carpenters the whole way there and the whole way back. Because I love that song and he loves not driving. So we both get what we want.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:32 PM on February 13, 2012


You said the important thing right here:

What I envision in a partner is someone I can respect, admire, feel lucky to be with, want to improve myself for. I want someone who’s crazy about me in return . . . Being in an ambivalent relationship is not painful per se, but it’s like a dull ache. And I can see how if this goes on for years, it will slowly destroy the soul.

This guy is not the guy. You gave this relationship a really good try and it isn't working. When something is not working, don't do more of it. It is true that relationships take work but this is such a mismatch from the first that it seems it just isn't ever going to work. I am very sorry you have put so much good effort into it and he has been so unacceptable.

Far from giving this more time, I believe if you had already dated more people, you would have realized all this sooner. Good for you in recognizing the situation and knowing what you want. Knowing that will help you. We all just keep on meeting people and keep trying to see how we like them and how we are together--that's how we find friends as well as partners--and, after a time, we realize the kind of people we like and we can get better at finding them.

I think when we find our kind of people, we can be happy, even if it isn't guaranteed that we will always find a partner or that, if we do, it will last forever. We just have to engage with the world and do the best we can.

I wish you happiness and good people. I hope you find a much better boyfriend before too long.
posted by Anitanola at 9:11 PM on February 13, 2012


At the beginning of the relationship, he suggested all these fun activities we could do like wine tasting, fishing, hiking, bowling, boating, what have you. Now, what we do mostly every weekend is hang out with his friends, smoke pot, and watch movies.

This will not change.
posted by devious truculent and unreliable at 5:26 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm thinking I shouldn't say this, but this bloke at the moment makes me think of a pathetic waste of human life, and this makes me sad.

Your sole moral duty in relationships is to keep yourself in a happy one. Everything else is selling yourself short and selling the partner short. I hope that gives a little extra impetus for doing something you've hopefully already done.

I really want to say you should tell this man quite how much he is failing at being a human, but in the end it's not your job, and if he has any drive left in him at all, he might feel that fixing himself up would merit you being his girlfriend again, and that's not the case. In fact, absolutely don't take him back even if he comes back to you all of his own will in 6 months with his act smartened up. I just really hope someone smartens up his ideas, because that's got to happen somehow.
posted by ambrosen at 1:42 PM on February 14, 2012


I'm just going to chime in here on the showering thing.

I'm a shower a day kinda guy for the most part. There is the occasional weekend day where I skip the shower, for whatever reason. But, if on those days where I have missed the shower, if Ms. baby shoes even remotely hints at the vague possibility of some sexy fun time that evening, I am in the shower and lathering up. She doesn't have to ask, just make me think about the idea.

So please, raise your expectations on all fronts here and find someone who will treat you better.
posted by never used baby shoes at 3:07 PM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


ditto all the excellent advice, just chiming in to say:

you can do this!!

And it will help your self esteem immeasurably when you do -- because you will now be able to look back on this moment and remember, for the rest of your life, that you are capable of choosing to treat yourself well.

And please, don't beat yourself up over this, either. Lot's lot's lot's of people learn in their 20s that boyfriend / group of friends are not treating them respectfully, and realize it with some surprise, and then ask, what now?

let's look at what you are doing right, here:

1. identifying what you don't like and do like,
2. seeking confirmation from others when you are worried you are putting up with too much (great survival tactic),
3. accepting advice and making a plan to act,
4. planning to handle conflict respectfully, and
5. ensuring you get *all your questions* answered so you can move forward on sure footing and do better next time.

All this tells me, that you are well on your way, and *you can do this!!* and you will be one of those people who learns and moves on and does better through their life.
posted by chapps at 10:03 PM on February 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


you can do this!!

And it will help your self esteem immeasurably when you do -- because you will now be able to look back on this moment and remember, for the rest of your life, that you are capable of choosing to treat yourself well.


I LOVE THIS. This is what I was trying to say in my comment. Take it from an older person looking back. The above advice is pure gold.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 10:12 AM on February 15, 2012


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