I need help with my dating life, I'm a single straight male, 25y/o, working 60 hour weeks, with limited options.
posted by curious-mind to Human Relations (54 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
To those who read and answer I'd like to say a thank you before hand. My question is lengthy and detailed but I think most people will be able to relate to what I say. I hope they find a little of themselves and maybe the responses I get can help others as well.
I am single straight guy, 25 y/o, I'm not a virgin, college graduated, I work 60 hours a week and I live in a quiet community in long island New York
I've been single for two years, one of those years I spent just improving myself and getting back on my feet after a pretty hurtful breakup. The last year I've been putting myself out there but in a very sparse manner.
Before I begin to explain my predicament, I am going to make a small note on what I want. I'm looking to date women, and date them seriously to learn more about them and see if something can come out of it. That means I'm not looking for sex right off the bat, I love sex but I am not looking for it. I want to date you a few times and if there is a connection then sex can come into the picture.
I am also NOT looking for my soul mate and true love, just dates with women. Its my approach that it takes a few dates to see if there is anything between two people that can be classified as special. I think soul mates and true love comes after you've put yourself out there, dated a few times and sifted through the dirt and find the gold left behind.
Not to come across as picky and arrogant but I would like the advice I get to be practical and less theoretical and emotional. I understand that you have to be happy with your life before you find someone, and my personal beliefs are that evry person has a core happiness that they alone are responsible for and that romantic interest/lovers/partners w.e add to that core happiness. I also don't believe in the philosophy "don't worry just live life" or "It happens when you least expect it" especially for men who are introverted and shy and it takes a great effort to interact with the opposite sex. I believe that men and women have to take an active role in taking charge of their dating.
I used to be painfully shy and I would say that I still am, and I know that's something that I want to work on and I do try. I've gotten loads better from when I was younger. But that's just some background history about me. I used to have severe social anxiety having a hard time getting on a bus now I can go into a bar and not feel as bad as I once did.
This past month I reached a point where I would like to get serious about my dating strategy as I feel my life slipping by and by that I mean doing something, anything in a repeatable fashion that allows me to meet the most single women out there.
After reading about other people's troubles with dating I find that through some research done by social scientists they claim that most people will meet the opposite sex through a variety of ways but the biggest percentage being:
(friends throw parties, weddings, even set you up in some cases, you meet the women/men there)
(class, groups, frats etc..)
Now unfortunately for me each of these avenues has been exhausted and hold little promise and I'm not trying to sound defeatist but the reality for me is:
-I have three friends in total and about four acquaintances, one of my friends is married and the other is dating a woman for 4 years. I have been introduced to all the women my friends know which is about 2 women in total and it didnt work out between us. My third friend is newly single, more about this later. My four acquaintances I am trying to turn them into closer friends but its going to be some time before I get into their respective social circles. met my last girl friend through friends that I had but have now moved away.
- College well I graduated so that's out
-Most of the people I work with are older 40+ and there is one young single girl who is in the office who likes another guy in the office who is my age. I figured that if I cant meet any women in my office maybe I can try expanding my social circle at least and who knows who you meet down the road. However the one guy in the office who is my age is very closed off and unfriendly and its hard building that rapport so that I can leverage that into friendship outside of the office.
Okay so far I feel very trapped so I did more research and realized that I will need to expand further out and try new things and I came up with these scenario's:
-Trying to pick up women at a bar
-Trying to pick up women at coffee shops, bookstores, grocery stores etc.
Here is what I have to say about each one of these avenues and of course its just my analysis and maybe the reason I am having trouble and needs changing.
-Meetup groups is a great concept and I love what it represents however I search group after group looking at the people who RSVP and I don't see any young single women. Its usually older women 40+ and I am 25. Even though it would be great to go and meet people aside from the dating aspect.
-Picking up women at bars, now remember I am shy and introverted but last night I went with my one single friend to a bar and I approached three groups of girls who we talked to for about a few minutes each. One of the women I met I managed to have a half way decent conversation and I asked for her number after talking to her for five minutes or so "You have an interesting persona about you, I'd like to get to know you better, lets grab some coffee some time" she smiled and look enthusiastic and gave me her number. I wanted her to know, I was not looking for sex, I want to get to know her better and like to take her out. I sent her a text today and I got no response from her, she flaked.
I might call her in case she didn't see the text but I doubt it, I understand that women give their numbers to men to avoid an awkward situation, to avoid an outright rejection. Which is fine, you don't have to like me its your right to chose not to.
-Picking up women at grocery stores, and bookstores I haven't tried this before quite frankly it feels very nerve racking to chat up strangers that I don't know in this type of place. It just makes me very nervous to ask a girl what she is reading at a B&N or w.e.
-Online dating I tried about a few months ago for a solid two months and I sent out about 200-300 emails and they were relevant and not a blast campaign. I got perhaps five replies and two women who I had a running conversation with who I asked to hang out and they just faded into the wind.
Now I know by now you must be thinking that this guy is making excuses and will never meet anyone if he keeps throwing obstacles in his way. He seems to be complaining and I hope that I don't come across that way but I'm just trying to lay down my own experiences.
Now I guess I get to the meat of the question simply put what do I do now?
I am looking to meet and date women, my age in a consistent and repeatable fashion where i am CONFIDENT that I am spending my limited amount of free time in the best possible way.
The real problem here is my TIME, I am very busy I work a 60 hour work week and I the little I do have I need to spend it wisely in pursuit of what I want.
Do I spend time trying to make new friends at Meetup, group events so that hopefully down the line I can meet people and meet a potential date?
Do I spend my time trying to meet women at bars after work, and trying to play the numbers game approach 100 women and maybe get one date
Do I try to get over my fear and approach women at bookstores and grocery stores etc?
Do I give online dating another shot, even though I am not photogenic and honestly like a 6/10 in the look department?
For a guy with not too much time on his hands, with the limited social circle and nothing at work, in a young age range etc...
What would be a good method for me to invest my time in?
Thank you guys for reading my posts