BDSM filter: How to find a "nice/sensitive" guy who's naturally dominant in bed?
January 11, 2012 1:23 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for a partner who matches me well on a personality level and who is also naturally dominant in bed.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I know similar things have been asked. Still, I think/hope there's more to learn from MeFi's super insightful and kink-aware community.
I am a woman in my early 30's. I'm actively dating (using online sites and meeting dates in real life) and I'm looking for a good long term partner. For me, personality-wise, part of that means a man who is self-aware, sensitive to his and my feelings, able to be vulnerable, etc. I list those qualities because they are the ones that seem, in my mind (most likely inaccurately), to contradict the qualities that I'm looking for sexually. Possibly part of my problem is that I perceive this split between the personality types of men who are dominant in bed and those who aren't. I imagine this split might be fictional. It's been created, though, by my personal experiences with romantic partners. The ones whose personalities have been more similar to mine were not as good fits in bed.
I'm naturally submissive in bed and have been since I can remember. Recently I dated a guy who was naturally dominant and I felt fulfilled sexually in a deeper way than I had before. However, our personalities outside the bedroom weren't a good enough fit. On an attraction level, I tend to be drawn to men who are larger physically (but this isn't necessary) and who have a strong, masculine presence. They tend to be more aggressive, charismatic, and dominant. I wouldn't necessarily describe them as the "sensitive" or "new-age" type. However, in terms of male friends, I'm all about guys who want to talk about everything in detail, including both of our feelings and insecurities. I think (?) that I don't necessarily need all of those friendship needs met in a romantic relationship. But then again, why not? Maybe I'm telling myself I don't need it because I don't believe it's possible to find in a great sexual match. I feel certain that I do need my deep sexual desires met, which means a man who enjoys being dominant sexually in many ways. To be more explicit, I want to be restrained, tied up, spanked, lightly humiliated, etc. I want a man who wants this, and not just because I want him to want it.
My question comes down to: How can I best approach looking for a long term partner who meets my intellectual/emotional needs as well as my sexual needs? I know people will say that I can find both, and I want to believe that. But tell me how. I won't really know about a guy's sexual style until we're in bed, right? I guess I could ask him early on about his relationship with kinky D/s type sex. And then if he's not into it...what, I end things? I see if he has a little interest that grows into more? Should I focus more on the non-sexual qualities until it's sexy time? I'm obviously confused about how to navigate these waters. Please, give me advice. Tell me related stories.
Throwaway email: email@example.com