I'm a twenty-something single guy in the city. I'm moderately fit and attractive; I am confident with women and get dates frequently. I'm having a hard time creating casual relationships.
I'm newly single. For many years I was in a series of monogamous relationships with very little time between them. I got deeply invested in relationships before I was really ready to commit. Then I spent a while in a polyamorous/open relationship and that was just a total shitshow. Since then, I've been focused on maintaining my singledom and the few months I've been doing this has been my longest without a partner since I started dating.
Throughout my singlehood, I've been going on dates. I'm not looking for another relationship, just something casual and I make that explicit to the women I'm meeting. I'm looking for very,very slow-moving dating or friends with benefits. I have read this question
about booty call etiquette.
For the most part, I'm really enjoying it: I'm meeting all sorts of really interesting people and I'm having great sex. But a lot of cases have followed this pattern:
Date -> Sex -> Sleep over -> "That was cool, I'd like to hang out again" text or message -> wait a few days to cool down -> try to make plans to hang out again -> no response or blown off
I'm having sex with people that excite me. I'm not in love or anything ridiculous like that, but we've got chemistry and good conversation and I'd really like to spend more time with them. But fairly often I don't, and its heartbreaking to have an amazing night with someone who seems like they fit right into what you've been looking for -- someone you can give yourself over to entirely for the moment without losing yourself in the process -- only to realize you'll never see them again. Its funny, but I'm initiating these hookups yet I'm the one that ends up feeling a little used.
This tends to happen more often with the people who I'm most excited about, so I think I might be coming on too strong.
So there are two components to this question:
Easy part: How can I show someone that I'm into them in a casual way without coming off either too detached or too intense?
Hard part: How can I train myself to not FEEL too intensely about these people, so that the first part comes naturally and I don't get all mopey about not getting called back?
throwaway email: firstname.lastname@example.org