Threesome etiquette

January 25, 2005 4:51 PM

While in Vegas talking about the presence of legalized prostitution, my partner (female) broached the subject of a threesome (thus making it two girls and one man, myself). After I ascertained she wasn't joking, I realized I didn't have the first clue about how/whether to actually make it happen (i.e. how to get in touch with a call girl who does couples, what the proper etiquette is, how much would it actually cost, how to make sure you're getting a relatively attractive girl, potential pitfalls I wasn't seeing, whether my girlfriend would actually collapse into a ball of shame afterwards, etc). Does anyone have personal experience with this sort of situation, or have resources to direct me to regarding the logistics of couples with call girls? My girlfriend explicitly said she would only do it with a paid girl because then we'd never see her again and there would be no aspect of jealousy involved, so friends are out of the question. Please only respond with serious answers (esp. to the specific questions above), since I can think of snarky jokes on my own...
posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

I think we need anonymous answers for this one...
posted by grouse at 5:19 PM on January 25, 2005

Moneyjane is an escort who hangs out on Monkeyfilter and may be of help to you. Other than that, I'd read back columns of Savage Love, but I haven't found a good place to search old columns. I'll poke around a bit and see what I can find.
posted by stet at 5:40 PM on January 25, 2005

Having experienced threesomes but never a professional, I'm probably jaded - but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun to me if one of the triad was a paid member. If you and the s/o can't pick up a non-salaried participant who appeals to both of you, perhaps you should leave this fantasy in the fantasy realm.

/YMMV
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:43 PM on January 25, 2005

Prostitution is not legal in Clark County (where Vegas is), so if your intent was to take advantage of that, you may want to rethink your plan.
posted by rushmc at 5:47 PM on January 25, 2005

After my first answer, I got this e-mail:

Hi. I'm an AskMe member, and I think I can help the guy who asked about threesomes. But I can't answer him directly, because co-workers of mine visit the site. If you feel like it, you can post that you know someone who could help him, ask him to email you, and pass my email address on to him.

If you're willing to do so, feel free to use a fresh gmail/yahoo account to e-mail me so you can keep your anonymity, and I'll pass on his e-mail address.
posted by grouse at 6:00 PM on January 25, 2005

First of all, what rushmc said about prostitution and it's legality. But second, you and your girlfriend might both want to read "The Ethical Slut" (Easton & Liszt, 1998) before you engage in any sort of non-monogamous relations. If you, at any point, get your back up or go 'eww' ... refrain, for your relationship's sake.
posted by SpecialK at 6:01 PM on January 25, 2005

Ol' Savage Love has covered this in detail innumerable times.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:03 PM on January 25, 2005

Vice magazine's 100 do's and don'ts had this to say about threesomes:

If you set it up, you have to make sure everyone's taken care of.

What they are saying is don't neglect anything, and don't neglect anyone.
posted by furtive at 6:16 PM on January 25, 2005

grouse, just post that other guy's answer here.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:30 PM on January 25, 2005

You're more adventurous than I am, I'll tell you that. My fear would be that even though everyone is "cool" with it going in, it may upset the balance in the relationship, even though you are trying to keep the third person outside the relationship, sex has a funny way of changing the way you view things.
posted by Doohickie at 6:31 PM on January 25, 2005

The Ethical Slut is an excellent book - seconded!

But if you ask me, unless you have a specific fantasy about hookers, getting a hooker involved is not necessarily the classy way forward. And it doesn't necessarily follow that there would be less chance of jealousy / emotional issues with a hooker than there would be with some other member of the public.

I would imagine that most prostitutes will be totally fine with doing threesomes, but to get a classy hooker (by the way, try looking up the word courtesan on Google as a lot of the better escorts prefer that word) you're going to be spending a lot of money. And you still won't necessarily get the level of screening / choice you'd like.

The typical way for a casual encounter of the sort you're seeking would be to use the personals section of Craigslist.org - or a site like SwingersDateClub.com.

Yes, you're going to have to go on a few dates to meet people suitable.. but this might actually become a fun part of the experience (and will likely give you and your partner something to share together rather than this being something embarrasing.) And as a previous poster suggested, if you're not strong enough to engage in the real life emotional aspects of this kind of activity, then maybe it's best to avoid the threesome - whether with a prostitute or otherwise.
posted by skylar at 6:39 PM on January 25, 2005

I've been involved in several threesomes, in various capacities: me and a partner having a third, being the third, and three people just randomly getting it on, among others.

Never been paid, though. Not the point.

What you and your girlfriend need to do now is not do it. Drop the subject. Leave it alone for at least a month. Let each of you think about it, think about your boundaries, think about your feelings, all of it. Then talk about it a little. Then leave it alone for another couple of months. Threesomes, even with a salaried participant, are emotional minefields, and nobody has a map. Preparation is key.

Further, one rule which you absolutely must have for any threesome where a relationship is involved: anybody present can call a halt to the proceedings immediately, no questions asked, no guilt. At that point, as rude as it may sound, it's generally wisest for the third to leave the room for a bit, so the two of you can talk/be together/whatever it is you need. So, pick a safeword.

Group sex, within the context of a (presumably) long-term monogamous relationship, is not something that should be entered into lightly. You two really need to figure out what is and is not okay. Is the third girl allowed to kiss you? Your girlfriend? Who's allowed to stick what in whom? Whose... you get the point, I think.

You also need to discuss safe(r) sex. I don't know if you and your girlfriend are still using condoms, but you should definitely use them with whoever the third is. And if either of you are going down on her, a dental dam is a good idea as well, unless you can get a detailed sexual history that you can trust.

To reiterate: don't do this yet. A threesome is not an impulse buy. Take your time, figure out your boundaries, and proceed from there. Having a professional involved makes sticking to those boundaries very simple, but it does also raise a whole host of other issues. Your best bet is to probably place an ad together. That way it'll be a fun encounter, but there are no possible emotional minidramas ensuing about further contact after the fact.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:41 PM on January 25, 2005

I got an email from someone whomight be the same guy who wrote grouse.

Someone recently posted a question on AskMe about how to find a call girl for a threesome. My partner and I have just been through that, know the pitfalls, and could be of great help. But I can't post a reply on AskMe, because....

No details, just a reply-to address to give out if you'd like it, AnonyMe. IM me or drop me a line to get it. If anyone wants to send anonymous feedback to this via my mailto form, I'll happily post it here as well.
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 PM on January 25, 2005

Not an answer, but an opinion: If your girlfriend is willing to grant you the extreme priveledge of being the meat in a sandwich, you should probably marry her. This is a very great boon she is offering! The very fact she made such an offer ought to add some serious UMPH to your intimacy. Maybe so much you'll not be that interested in the sandwich itself.

What a pity that professional involvement is such a hassle, as your thinking on this is pretty spot-on. Romping with a non-pro does indeed open a host of potential problems that can be deadly to your relationship. Its quite unpleasant when a 3rd party takes a special interest in one half of a couple. (experience talking, although of the gay variety)

I hope you can manage to get connected up with a nice pro, but I understand quality comes at a high price--And you don't want anything less. She has to be sensitive to the needs of both of you, sexually as well as emotionaly. It is, as dirtynumbangelboy said, a minefield.

Good luck!
posted by Goofyy at 8:05 PM on January 25, 2005

Not an answer, but an opinion: If your girlfriend is willing to grant you the extreme priveledge (sic) of being the meat in a sandwich, you should probably marry her run like hell and find a girl who doesn't want to have sex with strangers.
posted by davidmsc at 8:24 PM on January 25, 2005

My girlfriend explicitly said she would only do it with a paid girl because then we'd never see her again and there would be no aspect of jealousy involved

So if you went ahead with this plan, and you really really really like it and want to do it more with more escorts, while your girlfriend hated it and never wanted to do it agian, there would be no jealousy or hard feelings?

I'm just saying your girlfriend's reasoning behind picking a "pro" is not sound. She should be ok with it no matter who the other person might be, or their profession.
posted by falconred at 8:37 PM on January 25, 2005

Remember that prostitution is illegal in Vegas itself. The infamous brothels are actually just outside the county line. However, when you're dealing with high-cost, pre-arranged escorts there's a de-facto legality in many areas of the country.

The basics of "sex with strangers" still apply. Don't drink, don't use recreation drugs, don't have anything to do with a sex worker who shows up drunk or high.

If you're going to use a "Vegas" brothel, can can get most of your answers by calling the brothel. They are offering a service, and will/should go out of their way to make it easy for you.

re: attractive girls, it looks like some of the brothels have websites where you can see a very some very touched up photographs, as well as read up on their policies re: couples.

If you're going to go the less legal route, your best bet is to start with The Eros Guide, which has a specific section for Las Vegas Escorts who accept couples. Some escorts will list their prices, some won't. Enough do that you get get a vague idea of what "the going rate" is.

Stay away from agencies, and stick to the high end (more expensive) escorts. Like any service, you get what you pay for.

Smart sex workers will want to discuss exactly what you're be doing over the phone to avoid and confusion or problems (you mean I can put it there without lubrication?!?!?!). If you feel this ruins the spontaneity, please remember that you are hiring a hooker to have sex with you and your girlfriend.

They will *not* want you to mention escorts, hookers, sex for money at all when they show up. When they do show up they may require you to perform some "prove to me you're not a cop" entrapment routine, such as taking off your clothes while she's in the powder room. While this may or may not hold up in a court of law, it is something to be ready for.

Unless otherwise stated, have cash. When your sex worker shows up, very deliberately place the money somewhere, but don't mention it. Remember to ask if their rate includes their transportation time.

As for "the ball of shame", that's up to your two. Be ready for jealousy on your part as well. I'm assuming you're male, and of all the males I've known who've had their "lesbian" fantasy fulfilled, at least half were somewhat unsettled when their girlfriend's enjoyed the company of the other woman more than they "deemed proper".

Just be sure it's something you both really want. The pro aspect mitigates some of the problems (seeing the person everyday, emotional detachment etc.), but not all of them. It's not as big a decision as having kids, but it's more serious than picking what color dress to buy. Spur of the moment may not be the best way to handle this. You can always come back to Vegas. Or visit most other democracies in the world. Or just find an independent escort in your home city (although that could be an awkward supermarket run in).

almost forgot, you're supposed to snort coke off their asses. smooth escort ass makes coke better somehow
posted by alan at 10:01 PM on January 25, 2005

alan: Spur of the moment may not be the best way to handle this.

Correction: spur of the moment is almost never the way to handle this sort of thing. Too many things can go wrong.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:33 PM on January 25, 2005

As a side note, it's my understanding that in the places where prostitution is legal in Nevada (i.e. not Vegas), it's only legal in a plain vanilla, boy-girl sort of way. Threesomes are likely still not legal.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:23 AM on January 26, 2005

I asked the person who emailed me before if they'd mind sending a post via me. This is their reply, NOT MINE.

Well, the anon poster never contacted me, but apparently other people want to hear what I have to say, so I'll post via jessamyn (thanks for the kind offer!). To be honest, 50% of this is a desire to help out my fellow AskMe pervs. The other 50% is because it's a turn on to write about this stuff. But I won't be as explicit as I'd be in a private email (hear me, Mr. anon?!?)

When I read the post, I was really amazed, because this is literally our story. I was in a strange city with my wife, we were bored, and I jokingly asked her if she wanted to go to a strip club with me. To my surprise, she said yes. We've been married quite a few years, and I now feel that there's a lot we never learned about each other. This is a good feeling. It feels like we're a new couple again, just starting
out.

Anyway, we went to the strip club. For any couples here who have never done that, assuming that it's a good club (not too conservative, by which I mean that touching is allowed) and the female is at least somewhat into women (and the male is turned on by girl/girl interactions), you're in for a treat. For strippers, it's a breath of fresh air when a girl comes into the club (if she's not uptight or forced into it by her man). Apparently, many strippers are bi or put on a good impersonation of being bi. It also helps that my wife is really hot.

No one paid all that much attention to us at first, but we had fun talking about the girls as each one danced. My wife, who I'll call "Laura" for the rest of this, said that she liked one of them, and I suggested she tip her. This was a good move. Advice: if you want girl/girl action at a strip club, make sure your girlfriend tips one of the strippers. This sends a signal that your girlfriend is cool with being there. A few minutes after that, Laura had girls all over her. She spent the next few hours with girls in her lap (or sitting on theirs), getting lap dances, etc. (There's a lot more nuance in that
"etc.")

For anyone interested in visiting strip clubs, a good resource is http://www.tuscl.com, where you can read reviews of clubs all over the world. It's a PAY site, but it's worth the $20 a month for the info.

We had such a good time that we wanted more. But there are no good clubs were we live, so we started researching other means of enjoying ourselves. Like anon, we decided to hire someone.

I can't stress strongly enough that the world of escorts is full of pitfalls. It's easy to spend a lot of money and wind up with someone horrible. So take your time and do your research. If you decide to proceed, you will need some money. Girls charge different amounts in different parts of the country (and world), but an average price is $300 an hour. There are some that charge more (much more), and if you find one that charges less (i.e. on Craigslist), beware. You get what you pay for! Also, some of them charge extra for couples.

We wanted a girl who was pretty and sexy, smart, not too expensive, into kissing (many won't kiss clients) and who really liked girls. This was especially important to Laura. She didn't want someone faking bi-sexuality for the money. So how did we find such a girl?

The best resources are http://www.bigdoggie.com and
http://www.theeroticreview.com. Again, both are pay sites, but well worth it. Both sites contain databases where you can search for girls by body type, price, location, etc. Theeroticreview lets you search for bi girls. Your search won't just bring up the girls contact info and link to her site; it will also bring up REVIEWS of her by site members. These are invaluable. Be warned, though: some sneaky girls
write fake reviews of themselves. You can probably trust the ones that have dozens and dozens of reviews. No one is going to write that many.

Both sites have message boards. And (best of all) both sites have chat rooms. You can hang out in the chat rooms and get to know the girls. The best chat room is on bigdoggie.com. This is where we found the girl we finally met with. We chatted with her in the room, and then we
talked to her on the phone for a while. We told her we'd never done this before, and she was very patient and helpful with us. If you find a girl who treats you otherwise, my advice is to look elsewhere. Here are some more surprises. The real professional girls (the ones I'd advise you to see), will not see you unless you have a recommendation. They want a name of another escort you've seen. This is a catch-22 if it's your first time. If you can't give them a name (don't fake it, because they do contact each other!), you will have to give them tell they where you work and your real name. They will call
your company to verify you.

This is probably where most people get scared off, and I don't blame them. But you have to see it from the girl's point-of-view. She's taking a huge risk. You might be a cop. She will discreetly call your company, ask if they have an employee by the name of X, and then leave some innocuous message (i.e. "tell him he can pick up his laundry...")
You can discuss what message you'd like her to leave, etc. She just wants to know that you are who you say you are. Our girl checked out my company's web site and surprised me on the phone with a bunch of questions, like "What's the CEO's name?" and "What's the office fax number?" Finally, she was satisfied. Again, this is normal procedure. You should only have to go through it once. The second girl you see will be satisfied with recommendations from the first girl.

When you do finally meet the girl, she will want to see your ID. This may make you nervous, but she won't see you otherwise. She wants to make sure you really are the guy she talked to on the phone.

Our girl wanted to have a phone conversation with my wife, too. She wanted to make sure that Laura really was comfortable with this, and I was grateful for that. They actually chatted on the phone for about an hour before we ever met.

I really urge you to read the "newbies" articles on bigdoggie.com. They are very helpful. They will repeat some of the stuff I've gone through, and they will add a lot more info (i.e. how to handle payment). There are a ton of code words in the escort world (i.e. DATY= Dining At The Y = giving a girl oral sex). People use these codes in the chat rooms and on the message boards. The newbie articles explain them all.

Well, that's all the advice I can think of. If you have any questions, post them here and I will answer through Jessamyn. If you want to email me directly, and we work up a trust, I will share the name of the girl we saw (who is wonderful and travels around the country). I would love it if another couple did email me. It's really fun to have someone to talk to about this, and naturally we can't talk about it
with most of the people we know.

So what happened on the big day? Well, it's too explicit to go into here, but I saw the best live porn I've ever seen. Lots of kissing and fondling and DATY. I took part, too, of course. Now we want more, but we're too poor. So we're thinking of exploring the swingers's scene. But that's another story. (If you're a bi-girl who wants to explore, we'd love to hear from you!)

Good luck.

PS. I have tried to focus on the nuts-and-bolts aspects of the game, but all the emotional advice here is great. Not all couples can deal with threesomes. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Make sure you agree on limits before the date. We also agreed that either of us could veto anything when the time came, even if we'd said it was okay
earlier. When the time came, we didn't veto anything.
posted by jessamyn at 5:40 AM on January 26, 2005 [2 favorites]

*wipes forehead*

Wow, swingers, threesomes... AskMe is HAWT today...
posted by mkultra at 8:27 AM on January 26, 2005

Threesomes are likely still not legal.

Not what I've heard at all.
posted by kindall at 9:37 AM on January 26, 2005

Ah, well, it's not my area of expertise, for sure, so if you've got better information, I stand corrected. I read this in the context of homosexual prostitution, and the general idea was that straight prostitution is legal in some places in Nevada, but you won't find male pros as only the straight stuff is really legal. I'm not even sure where I read it, though I think it was perhaps on the Straight Dope message boards. Just thought I'd pass it along as a possible warning, since the legality of it seemed to be a strong factor in the original post.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:07 AM on January 26, 2005