My friend vs. the guy I am seeing
October 7, 2011 6:49 AM Subscribe
I screwed up, and realized too late that my friend is in love with the guy I am seeing. We're not serious. Should I stop seeing him?
Back story: I have been friends with this girl for about 3 years. We go out together a lot, and have been through good times and boyfriend times. We work in the same field, go to the same bars and events, and hang out a couple days a week.
We went to a networking event together, and met a guy there. While I made the rounds, he talked with my friend, and then when I finished my rounds, he talked to me, and at the end of our networking event, he asked for my number. I asked for both his and his friend's business cards, and promptly after I went home, I added them on facebook. A week later, he texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a concert with him, and when I couldn't, he asked if I could meet up with him for drinks. A few more dates later, we were seeing each other a couple times a week.
This is where it gets messy. I met with the guy and his friend who was at the networking event at a bar, and the guy suggested I bring my friend along so that his friend could have someone to have drinks with. I texted my friend, but it was late, and she had work early the next day. When I met up with, I brought up the guys and said that one of them had asked about her.
She became really, really excited. She wanted to know which one, and if it was the one with the blue eyes (the guy). I freaked and lost a spine in the process and said that both had asked for her. For the next week, she kept asking whether he had asked about her. At this time, the guy and I never really told his friends we were dating, but we hung out together a lot.
I admitted that I was sort of seeing him, and that it wasn't really serious because he was moving to New York soon for school. And one of his other friends asked my friend out, so I thought that things would be cool.
Well, I am still seeing the guy since he moved to New York. Since I live 4 hours away, taking the bus hasn't been a problem. It's still not as serious as it looks to everyone, and I don't really have a problem with it. But my friend does, and since I introduced her to the gatherings that he and his friends hold, she brings up the number of times he'd talk to her or the time he wrote happy birthday on her facebook page (she friend-requested him, and he says happy birthday to everybody).
Looking back, I had missed the signs that she had liked him when we went to the networking event, which means I am an idiot at signals. The only thing I can remember her saying that should have given me pause was, "They really liked you." And when I first met up with him for drinks, I thought we were going to talk about work (which is all I usually talk about). I did not mean any harm, yet I have caused harm to my friend. I enjoy his company, and I like going up to NYC to enjoy his company as much as I like hanging out with my friend in town. But if it is causing my friend pain, and she wants to move to New York for him, I am thinking I should stop seeing him. I haven't talked to her yet, but I want to do it next week. What should I say? Should I stop seeing this guy?
Back story: I have been friends with this girl for about 3 years. We go out together a lot, and have been through good times and boyfriend times. We work in the same field, go to the same bars and events, and hang out a couple days a week.
We went to a networking event together, and met a guy there. While I made the rounds, he talked with my friend, and then when I finished my rounds, he talked to me, and at the end of our networking event, he asked for my number. I asked for both his and his friend's business cards, and promptly after I went home, I added them on facebook. A week later, he texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a concert with him, and when I couldn't, he asked if I could meet up with him for drinks. A few more dates later, we were seeing each other a couple times a week.
This is where it gets messy. I met with the guy and his friend who was at the networking event at a bar, and the guy suggested I bring my friend along so that his friend could have someone to have drinks with. I texted my friend, but it was late, and she had work early the next day. When I met up with, I brought up the guys and said that one of them had asked about her.
She became really, really excited. She wanted to know which one, and if it was the one with the blue eyes (the guy). I freaked and lost a spine in the process and said that both had asked for her. For the next week, she kept asking whether he had asked about her. At this time, the guy and I never really told his friends we were dating, but we hung out together a lot.
I admitted that I was sort of seeing him, and that it wasn't really serious because he was moving to New York soon for school. And one of his other friends asked my friend out, so I thought that things would be cool.
Well, I am still seeing the guy since he moved to New York. Since I live 4 hours away, taking the bus hasn't been a problem. It's still not as serious as it looks to everyone, and I don't really have a problem with it. But my friend does, and since I introduced her to the gatherings that he and his friends hold, she brings up the number of times he'd talk to her or the time he wrote happy birthday on her facebook page (she friend-requested him, and he says happy birthday to everybody).
Looking back, I had missed the signs that she had liked him when we went to the networking event, which means I am an idiot at signals. The only thing I can remember her saying that should have given me pause was, "They really liked you." And when I first met up with him for drinks, I thought we were going to talk about work (which is all I usually talk about). I did not mean any harm, yet I have caused harm to my friend. I enjoy his company, and I like going up to NYC to enjoy his company as much as I like hanging out with my friend in town. But if it is causing my friend pain, and she wants to move to New York for him, I am thinking I should stop seeing him. I haven't talked to her yet, but I want to do it next week. What should I say? Should I stop seeing this guy?
Maybe I'm misreading something here - but how is she inlove with him? It sounds like a crush fantasy.
If you aren't serious about this guy and want to break up with him, feel free. But don't do it because of your friend's fantasy. I don't think she'll suddenly start dating him, if that's what you mean.
posted by quodlibet at 6:53 AM on October 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
If you aren't serious about this guy and want to break up with him, feel free. But don't do it because of your friend's fantasy. I don't think she'll suddenly start dating him, if that's what you mean.
posted by quodlibet at 6:53 AM on October 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
This is not you're problem besides the (understandable)duplicity this is mostly your friends problem.
posted by Rubbstone at 6:54 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Rubbstone at 6:54 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm really confused. How many times has she met this guy whom she is "in love" with?
It sounds to me like she has a bit of a crush, which shouldn't really be a factor in your romantic future. People get over crushes.
Frankly it sounds like your friend is being kind of inappropriate about someone you are actually dating, whom she has gotten to know because he is dating her friend.
If she'd been nuts about him before you ever met him, I might have some other things to say. But "I've developed a crush on your {boyfriend} and so you should stop seeing him" is not something that happens in sane relationships. I know that's not what your friend is saying, but that seems to be the subtext you are inferring and responding to.
posted by endless_forms at 6:56 AM on October 7, 2011 [12 favorites]
It sounds to me like she has a bit of a crush, which shouldn't really be a factor in your romantic future. People get over crushes.
Frankly it sounds like your friend is being kind of inappropriate about someone you are actually dating, whom she has gotten to know because he is dating her friend.
If she'd been nuts about him before you ever met him, I might have some other things to say. But "I've developed a crush on your {boyfriend} and so you should stop seeing him" is not something that happens in sane relationships. I know that's not what your friend is saying, but that seems to be the subtext you are inferring and responding to.
posted by endless_forms at 6:56 AM on October 7, 2011 [12 favorites]
Huuuuge gap here between "she's in love with him" and "she thought he was really cute". The beginning sounds like the latter, not the former. And despite your going out with him... she's still showing all this infatuation for him? And... wait, wants to *move to be with him* on the basis of this? When she's never gone out with him herself?
I mean, I have no idea if you really want to be with this guy or not, but make the decision based on that, not the feelings of someone who is behaving like a creepy stalker towards someone who's showed no interest in them whatsoever.
If you take out the moving bit, all you've really got left isn't love, it's "she happens to find him attractive and like his attention", and that still doesn't really get anywhere.
posted by gracedissolved at 6:57 AM on October 7, 2011 [7 favorites]
I mean, I have no idea if you really want to be with this guy or not, but make the decision based on that, not the feelings of someone who is behaving like a creepy stalker towards someone who's showed no interest in them whatsoever.
If you take out the moving bit, all you've really got left isn't love, it's "she happens to find him attractive and like his attention", and that still doesn't really get anywhere.
posted by gracedissolved at 6:57 AM on October 7, 2011 [7 favorites]
If he asked for your number and not your friends, then the balance of likelihood is he is interested in you and not her, and this is borne out by the development of you seeing each other. If anything its up to your friend to back off, especially as you suggest it probably looks more serious to your friends that you actually think it is. The suggestion she might move to New York for him is a bit worrying though, does your friend get a bit weird about these things?
posted by biffa at 6:58 AM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by biffa at 6:58 AM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
The biggest (only?) thing I see here that you did wrong was that you lied to her about Mr. Blue Eyes asking about her. Why would you say that? Even if you and he had no romantic interest in each other, and this were just some neutral guy, why would you tell her he was into her if he wasn't into her? That's just cruel.
It's up to you whether or not you decide to stop seeing the guy in order to please your friend, but keep in mind that things like this:
she wants to move to New York for him
...are completely batshitcrazyinsane. She met him once at a networking event, got a crush on him, knows that the two of you are "sort of seeing" each other, and she still says she wants to move to New York to be with him? Is it possible that your friend doesn't have the best grip on reality?
If I were you, and I liked the guy enough to bus for four hours to spend time with him, I'd keep seeing the guy. In time, your friend (hopefully) will see that it's just not meant to be between her and the dude.
posted by phunniemee at 6:59 AM on October 7, 2011 [15 favorites]
It's up to you whether or not you decide to stop seeing the guy in order to please your friend, but keep in mind that things like this:
she wants to move to New York for him
...are completely batshitcrazyinsane. She met him once at a networking event, got a crush on him, knows that the two of you are "sort of seeing" each other, and she still says she wants to move to New York to be with him? Is it possible that your friend doesn't have the best grip on reality?
If I were you, and I liked the guy enough to bus for four hours to spend time with him, I'd keep seeing the guy. In time, your friend (hopefully) will see that it's just not meant to be between her and the dude.
posted by phunniemee at 6:59 AM on October 7, 2011 [15 favorites]
But if it is causing my friend pain, and she wants to move to New York for him
She wants to move to New York for a guy she barely knows who is already seeing her friend? That just sounds weird. It's not like she had some history with this guy where she was secretly pining for him for years or something, You both met him at the same time, and he was interested in you and not her. It sounds like you have not been completely honest with your friend about this whole thing (such as when you lied and said he and his friend had asked about her) so I would suggest just telling her that you are dating him or whatever you want to call your relationship and hoping that she gets the message that it's not going to work out between the two of them.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:02 AM on October 7, 2011
She wants to move to New York for a guy she barely knows who is already seeing her friend? That just sounds weird. It's not like she had some history with this guy where she was secretly pining for him for years or something, You both met him at the same time, and he was interested in you and not her. It sounds like you have not been completely honest with your friend about this whole thing (such as when you lied and said he and his friend had asked about her) so I would suggest just telling her that you are dating him or whatever you want to call your relationship and hoping that she gets the message that it's not going to work out between the two of them.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:02 AM on October 7, 2011
I think we need some clarification about "I admitted that I was sort of seeing him".
If your female friend has explicitly understood that you and your boyfriend were/are romantically involved, then suggesting that "she wants to move to New York for him" is insane and stalkery, and not really acceptable behaviour towards you as a friend. If that's the case, you can tell her to back off and stop fantasising about your SO.
If on the other hand you've never actually admitted that you're dating at all to your friend, and willingly or not, you've been letting her expand upon her insane stalkery crush, then I think you are heading for a trainwreck. If your female friend finds out about this, regardless of whether or not you break up with your boyfriend, it's going to get ugly.
posted by roofus at 7:03 AM on October 7, 2011
If your female friend has explicitly understood that you and your boyfriend were/are romantically involved, then suggesting that "she wants to move to New York for him" is insane and stalkery, and not really acceptable behaviour towards you as a friend. If that's the case, you can tell her to back off and stop fantasising about your SO.
If on the other hand you've never actually admitted that you're dating at all to your friend, and willingly or not, you've been letting her expand upon her insane stalkery crush, then I think you are heading for a trainwreck. If your female friend finds out about this, regardless of whether or not you break up with your boyfriend, it's going to get ugly.
posted by roofus at 7:03 AM on October 7, 2011
Don't stop seeing the guy if you like him. If she's any sort of friend, she'll back off (assuming she 'gets it' that you're dating him) and get over it without making a big deal.
Why not try to set her up with someone completely unrelated to the situation? That might help her to get over her little crush and maybe hit it off with someone who is actually interested in her.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 7:04 AM on October 7, 2011
Why not try to set her up with someone completely unrelated to the situation? That might help her to get over her little crush and maybe hit it off with someone who is actually interested in her.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 7:04 AM on October 7, 2011
it seems kind of strange how she is willing to move to new york for a crush (that's what i believe your message implied, although i may be wrong). regardless, i don't think breaking up with him so that she can date him is necessarily the best decision. that's kind of like passing someone off to see if they can become a prized possession in another person's life which sounds so bad. instead, only focus on the two realistic options: 1) break up with him if you are concerned about your friendship, or 2) talk to your friend and say that your friendship means a lot to you and that you don't want to lose the friendship over someone that you are seeing. only your friend can tell you how she feels and whether or not it matters, but i would hope that there would be some understanding from your friend's side. good luck, i know these types of discussions are difficult to have but i hope things work out well for you.
posted by sincerely-s at 7:08 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by sincerely-s at 7:08 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Definitely don't stop seeing him. He likes you, not her.
You also need to stand up straight, show off a bit of spine, and -gently- shake your friend. She needs a mental bitch slap, right about now.
Let her know you care about her but that you also like this guy which is why you're dating him, which she needs to come to grips with.
posted by DisreputableDog at 7:10 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
You also need to stand up straight, show off a bit of spine, and -gently- shake your friend. She needs a mental bitch slap, right about now.
Let her know you care about her but that you also like this guy which is why you're dating him, which she needs to come to grips with.
posted by DisreputableDog at 7:10 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
In this situation it's not really about right and wrong, it's about "what's right" and there's "what's right ultimately for your friendship."
What's "right" is that she has no claim on this guy, you like him and he likes you, just because your friend has a crush on him does not mean that you shouldn't be seeing him. That's true and that is definitely a valid way to look at the situation and proceed.
That viewpoint isn't great for the health of your friendship, however, and it sounds like you really are concerned with that. This might be different if you told her you were dating from the start and nipped this in the bud, but since that didn't happen things are kind of messy. If you really aren't all that serious about this guy and you value your friendship with her, I recommend breaking it off with the guy and moving on.
I was friends with someone who ended up liking two guys that I dated. The first time I was kind of clueless--I knew that she liked him, I guess, but I didn't know how much and the guy liked me not her. I stuck with the guy even when it was clear how hard on her our relationship was and it was a big mess and my relationship with the guy didn't even last. The second time, she told me she liked him right away and I did not pursue anything although we all hung out as friends. Eventually she told me she didn't actually like him, they were just buds, and after a few months the guy and I started dating (and after a few years the guy and I got married!). It still turned into a big mess, I guess there was a bunch of baggage carried over from before and our friendship ended.
And I feel like there's that one side where, yes, the guys liked me and I liked them and she had no real "claim" to them, but it hurt her and I'm sorry that I caused her pain. If you aren't serious about this guy and you want to prioritize your friendship over this relationship you don't care much about, you might want to consider breaking it off with him.
posted by Kimberly at 7:11 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
What's "right" is that she has no claim on this guy, you like him and he likes you, just because your friend has a crush on him does not mean that you shouldn't be seeing him. That's true and that is definitely a valid way to look at the situation and proceed.
That viewpoint isn't great for the health of your friendship, however, and it sounds like you really are concerned with that. This might be different if you told her you were dating from the start and nipped this in the bud, but since that didn't happen things are kind of messy. If you really aren't all that serious about this guy and you value your friendship with her, I recommend breaking it off with the guy and moving on.
I was friends with someone who ended up liking two guys that I dated. The first time I was kind of clueless--I knew that she liked him, I guess, but I didn't know how much and the guy liked me not her. I stuck with the guy even when it was clear how hard on her our relationship was and it was a big mess and my relationship with the guy didn't even last. The second time, she told me she liked him right away and I did not pursue anything although we all hung out as friends. Eventually she told me she didn't actually like him, they were just buds, and after a few months the guy and I started dating (and after a few years the guy and I got married!). It still turned into a big mess, I guess there was a bunch of baggage carried over from before and our friendship ended.
And I feel like there's that one side where, yes, the guys liked me and I liked them and she had no real "claim" to them, but it hurt her and I'm sorry that I caused her pain. If you aren't serious about this guy and you want to prioritize your friendship over this relationship you don't care much about, you might want to consider breaking it off with him.
posted by Kimberly at 7:11 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well he wouldn't start to see her if you stopped seeing him so there is nothing to be gained by stopping. Whatever damange this has caused to your friendship is done and I agree with everybody who says she needs to get a grip.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:17 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:17 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your friend has not been particularly great about communicating exactly how she feels about the whole thing, and this has the effect of making you paranoid about how you should behave. In situations like this, the only thing to do is to be straightforward with the person who is having trouble communicating.
- Tell your friend that you are dating Mr. Blue Eyes.
- Tell her that you're concerned that she seems to have been carrying a torch for him, and that you don't want this to impair your friendship.
- Then underscore the fact that she needs to tell you if it is going to impair your friendship, even via backdoor mechanisms like subtle resentment, because you are willing to do whatever it takes for the health of your friendship.
- Listen carefully to her response and make your best judgment from there.
posted by jph at 7:17 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
- Tell your friend that you are dating Mr. Blue Eyes.
- Tell her that you're concerned that she seems to have been carrying a torch for him, and that you don't want this to impair your friendship.
- Then underscore the fact that she needs to tell you if it is going to impair your friendship, even via backdoor mechanisms like subtle resentment, because you are willing to do whatever it takes for the health of your friendship.
- Listen carefully to her response and make your best judgment from there.
posted by jph at 7:17 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wait, what?
I think you're elevating her feelings to "love" for... absolutely no reason. She may have a crush on your boyfriend, she may wish your SO had asked her out instead of you but, unless you're leaving out some incredibly relevant details, she isn't in love with him. How could she be? You guys met him together, you and your SO started dating immediately, he moved away soon after that.
She wants to move to NY to be with him? Rut-ro. This is not an "I'm dating a guy my friend is in love with" problem, this is a "my friend is completely divorced from reality" problem. This is not something you can fix by not dating your SO, you can't just pass him onto her with your blessing and make her happy. If you broke up with him, would she move to NY to be with him and start dating him? What... he have to say about that?
Look, I understand the impulse to protect your friendship, I really do, but this is a level of crazy that is not yours to accommodate. You should probably start talking to your friend about the expectations she has, regardless of whether you are dating this guy or not, because this has nothing to do with the two of you dating and everything to do with the fact that she's let this crush (and at best it is a crush) get way, way out of hand.
Also, if you don't want to see this guy, don't. But don't break it off because your friend is go-go bananas over him.
posted by lydhre at 7:27 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think you're elevating her feelings to "love" for... absolutely no reason. She may have a crush on your boyfriend, she may wish your SO had asked her out instead of you but, unless you're leaving out some incredibly relevant details, she isn't in love with him. How could she be? You guys met him together, you and your SO started dating immediately, he moved away soon after that.
She wants to move to NY to be with him? Rut-ro. This is not an "I'm dating a guy my friend is in love with" problem, this is a "my friend is completely divorced from reality" problem. This is not something you can fix by not dating your SO, you can't just pass him onto her with your blessing and make her happy. If you broke up with him, would she move to NY to be with him and start dating him? What... he have to say about that?
Look, I understand the impulse to protect your friendship, I really do, but this is a level of crazy that is not yours to accommodate. You should probably start talking to your friend about the expectations she has, regardless of whether you are dating this guy or not, because this has nothing to do with the two of you dating and everything to do with the fact that she's let this crush (and at best it is a crush) get way, way out of hand.
Also, if you don't want to see this guy, don't. But don't break it off because your friend is go-go bananas over him.
posted by lydhre at 7:27 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Give your friend a way to respond to all this with dignity. Crushes can undo the best people - she may not realize or have control over how silly she's acting, for one thing. And if she doesn't understand that you're not just hanging out with the guy but actually dating, it's silly but not especially bad behavior to have a teenager-ish crush which involves "oh, I would totally move to New York if I could go out with him!" Especially if she believes that he is potentially interested in her. It's kiddish, but sometimes even serious people can be absolutely bowled over by someone in the face of all evidence.
So tell her that you're sorry that you weren't upfront with her, let her know that you're dating the guy and then take your cues from her - whether it's the need for a further conversation or "we will never speak of this again because I am so mortified."
After that, if she's still talking about her crush and being inappropriate, then you can react as if she's being stalkery, etc. But give her a chance to backpedal and save some face first.
posted by Frowner at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011 [7 favorites]
So tell her that you're sorry that you weren't upfront with her, let her know that you're dating the guy and then take your cues from her - whether it's the need for a further conversation or "we will never speak of this again because I am so mortified."
After that, if she's still talking about her crush and being inappropriate, then you can react as if she's being stalkery, etc. But give her a chance to backpedal and save some face first.
posted by Frowner at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011 [7 favorites]
Either you're not telling us something (or Blue Eyes was chatting up your friend without you knowing) or your friend is nuts.
You met him. He got your number. You started dating.
As far as I can tell, friend and Blue Eys haven't communicated beyond the networking event.
I'd tell friend: 'I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that BlueEyes and I started dating. I didn't realize that you were so interested in dating him. However, at this point (months later?), BlueEyes and I are somewhat serious. I hope that you understand that I would never intentionally hurt you. But since BlueEyes and I are a couple now, I hope you can be okay with this.'
posted by k8t at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
You met him. He got your number. You started dating.
As far as I can tell, friend and Blue Eys haven't communicated beyond the networking event.
I'd tell friend: 'I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that BlueEyes and I started dating. I didn't realize that you were so interested in dating him. However, at this point (months later?), BlueEyes and I are somewhat serious. I hope that you understand that I would never intentionally hurt you. But since BlueEyes and I are a couple now, I hope you can be okay with this.'
posted by k8t at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like you haven't told her the full story and that she is amplifying her crush. When she realizes you guys are 'really' dating, she will probably be very embarassed. I don't know how you see her a few times a week and him a few times a week and she doesn't understand you are dating him. Either she is very dense or you haven't been honest with her. To me it reads more of the latter and you are knowingly letting her embarass herself- not nice. Break up with him or not, you still might have damaged your friendship through lying by omission.
posted by bquarters at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011
posted by bquarters at 7:29 AM on October 7, 2011
This situation is so messed up that I have to believe that there was something lost in the translation here and anon should probably clarify.
Because on the face of it, her friend sounds like she is off her rocker and anons reaction to it is also kind of nutty.
How much time has her friend actually spent with this person and did she really say she was going to move to New York for him?
posted by empath at 7:31 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Because on the face of it, her friend sounds like she is off her rocker and anons reaction to it is also kind of nutty.
How much time has her friend actually spent with this person and did she really say she was going to move to New York for him?
posted by empath at 7:31 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
And also, has the guy you are seeing expressed ANY interest in the friend?
posted by empath at 7:31 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by empath at 7:31 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
She just met him at the networking event the same time you did? Unless she is straight up crazy, there has to be something else at play here - you guys have a competitive relationship anyway, something else is going on with her where she's fixating on this guy instead of dealing with it, etc.
I would go for drinks with her and say look, I feel weird - I've seen Blue a few times since he moved to NYC, so we are still seeing each other. I am starting to see that you like him a lot, and I guess I should have seen that at the beginning and then I would never have gone out with him, but I didn't and now I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want this to mess up our friendship - what can I do to make sure things stay right between you and me?
Give her the opportunity to bow out gracefully and save some face. Honestly, you may end up needing to break up with this guy not because of her crush but because you let it get this far by not being honest with your friend. I know that you had good motives, but it seems like it got a little out of hand. That said, there's a chance your friend will take it fine and move on. If it keeps on being an issue after you talk to her, maybe you need to give up the guy, unless you like him a lot more than you're telling us.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:33 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would go for drinks with her and say look, I feel weird - I've seen Blue a few times since he moved to NYC, so we are still seeing each other. I am starting to see that you like him a lot, and I guess I should have seen that at the beginning and then I would never have gone out with him, but I didn't and now I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want this to mess up our friendship - what can I do to make sure things stay right between you and me?
Give her the opportunity to bow out gracefully and save some face. Honestly, you may end up needing to break up with this guy not because of her crush but because you let it get this far by not being honest with your friend. I know that you had good motives, but it seems like it got a little out of hand. That said, there's a chance your friend will take it fine and move on. If it keeps on being an issue after you talk to her, maybe you need to give up the guy, unless you like him a lot more than you're telling us.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:33 AM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Whatever you decide to do, you can't control how Mr. Blue Eyes feels. If you decided to drop the dating to protect your friendship, it certainly won't mean the guy will suddenly fall head over heels for your friend. She's may be infatuated, but that's not gonna bring reciprocity for the sake of it.
So likely it'll be either you keep seeing each other and your friend might take it badly, either you part ways and none of you have significant contact with him again.
Your friend will have to be aware of that. You dropping the guy might not mean much more happiness for her.
It'll be tricky because of what happened that made you make her believe he might be interested tough. I think Mr. Blue Eyes might want to know what's happening and have a say in it too: after all it's his business too, what happens next.
posted by CelebrenIthil at 7:37 AM on October 7, 2011
So likely it'll be either you keep seeing each other and your friend might take it badly, either you part ways and none of you have significant contact with him again.
Your friend will have to be aware of that. You dropping the guy might not mean much more happiness for her.
It'll be tricky because of what happened that made you make her believe he might be interested tough. I think Mr. Blue Eyes might want to know what's happening and have a say in it too: after all it's his business too, what happens next.
posted by CelebrenIthil at 7:37 AM on October 7, 2011
Your friend sounds totally crazyface. Which is fine. But nothing you need to work your plans around.
posted by threeants at 7:41 AM on October 7, 2011
posted by threeants at 7:41 AM on October 7, 2011
Breaking up with this guy just because your friend has a big crush on him, in the current circumstance, isn't fair to you or him if you actually like the guy and want to keep dating him otherwise. If you could take him or leave him, well then yeah why keep dating him? But let's assume you like him enough to prefer to keep dating him.
If it was her ex-boyfriend and she still pined for him, or or a guy she'd met before you did and was obviously gaga over him before you met him, or if you were really not that interested in this guy and knew she was so you decided to date him just because you could, well those would be instances where you should be a better friend and not date this guy. But you both met him at the same time, and he clicked with you more and things progressed between you two. Sorry that she developed a crush, he must be pretty cute and nice. But this is a situation where she should be a good friend to you in return, and back off when she learns you've been seeing him for a while and it's official now.
Think about the outcome you want from this situation:
1) You break up with him, he dates your friend --> you lose, but would she have done the same for you in return? Would you be able to stay friends with her?
2) You break up with him, he isn't interested in dating your friend --> everyone loses
3) You keep dating him, it drives a wedge between you and your friend --> you and your friend lose
4) you keep dating him, she manages her crush knowing it's not her place to separate you two for her own selfish reasons, and finds someone else --> everyone wins.
Work on tactfully talking to her as per above situations to achieve #4.
posted by lizbunny at 7:52 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
If it was her ex-boyfriend and she still pined for him, or or a guy she'd met before you did and was obviously gaga over him before you met him, or if you were really not that interested in this guy and knew she was so you decided to date him just because you could, well those would be instances where you should be a better friend and not date this guy. But you both met him at the same time, and he clicked with you more and things progressed between you two. Sorry that she developed a crush, he must be pretty cute and nice. But this is a situation where she should be a good friend to you in return, and back off when she learns you've been seeing him for a while and it's official now.
Think about the outcome you want from this situation:
1) You break up with him, he dates your friend --> you lose, but would she have done the same for you in return? Would you be able to stay friends with her?
2) You break up with him, he isn't interested in dating your friend --> everyone loses
3) You keep dating him, it drives a wedge between you and your friend --> you and your friend lose
4) you keep dating him, she manages her crush knowing it's not her place to separate you two for her own selfish reasons, and finds someone else --> everyone wins.
Work on tactfully talking to her as per above situations to achieve #4.
posted by lizbunny at 7:52 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think people are being a little too hard on the friend. From the story, it's not super clear what is really going on, or what the OP really told her friend. It sounds like the OP sent some really mixed messages to the friend about whether this guy liked her, the status of the OP's relationship with this guy, etc.
It's a red flag that the OP even considers it appropriate to break up with the guy so the girl can move to New York and "have" him. Honestly it sounds like the OP and her friend are both kind of stuck in an immature dating dynamic (which isn't that hard to find yourself in, so I understand).
If you want to date him, date him, seriously or not. If your friend is in a world of pain over this, she's not thinking realistically and isn't being fair to you. That said, you need to be more clear in the future about what is going on, or just don't pass messages to your friends about who likes who or whatever, especially if you're not going to represent the situation correctly. Also, I don't think there's a scenario in which you tell this guy you're breaking up with him, your friend starts dating him, moves to NY to be with him, and everyone is free from pain. So stop entertaining this scenario, because it doesn't exist.
posted by sweetkid at 8:10 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's a red flag that the OP even considers it appropriate to break up with the guy so the girl can move to New York and "have" him. Honestly it sounds like the OP and her friend are both kind of stuck in an immature dating dynamic (which isn't that hard to find yourself in, so I understand).
If you want to date him, date him, seriously or not. If your friend is in a world of pain over this, she's not thinking realistically and isn't being fair to you. That said, you need to be more clear in the future about what is going on, or just don't pass messages to your friends about who likes who or whatever, especially if you're not going to represent the situation correctly. Also, I don't think there's a scenario in which you tell this guy you're breaking up with him, your friend starts dating him, moves to NY to be with him, and everyone is free from pain. So stop entertaining this scenario, because it doesn't exist.
posted by sweetkid at 8:10 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
She wants to move to NYC for him? Oh hell no.
Honey, your friend is crazy immature if that's the case. Yes, you handled this a little awkwardly, but don't break up with the dude if he likes you and you enjoy his company.
Just say, "I want to be honest with you. Up until this point I wasn't sure which guy you've been referring to when you asked me all those questions about the guys we met at that mixer, but I realize now that you need to know that I'm dating John and have been for a few months. I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
And then just see what she says.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:14 AM on October 7, 2011
Honey, your friend is crazy immature if that's the case. Yes, you handled this a little awkwardly, but don't break up with the dude if he likes you and you enjoy his company.
Just say, "I want to be honest with you. Up until this point I wasn't sure which guy you've been referring to when you asked me all those questions about the guys we met at that mixer, but I realize now that you need to know that I'm dating John and have been for a few months. I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
And then just see what she says.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:14 AM on October 7, 2011
I too am very confused by the sudden acceleration in the narrative where friend wants to move to New York for this guy.
Either friend wants to move for a crush that has no basis in reality -OR- friend and guy have more going on than the OP knows or acknowledges in the question.
Yes, please clarify.
I'm also unsure as to what extent the friend knows about the OP's dating guy and trips to NYC. OP, you've been hiding the entire relationship with guy from your friend, am right? Otherwise, your friend's crush makes no sense. I mean, if friend knows you are dating this guy but is still crushing on him anyway, then I would say she is competing with you and she's not your friend.
------
Bottom line here is that the messiness, whatever the details, may permanently mar your relationship with your friend.
Your only course of action, if friend is more important to you than guy, is to stop dating guy and never ever confess your deeper involvement with him to your friend.
Whatever you do, please don't come clean to your friend and offer to break up with the guy so she can have a shot at him. It would be insulting and faintly condescending of you to offer her your sloppy seconds.
posted by jbenben at 8:32 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Either friend wants to move for a crush that has no basis in reality -OR- friend and guy have more going on than the OP knows or acknowledges in the question.
Yes, please clarify.
I'm also unsure as to what extent the friend knows about the OP's dating guy and trips to NYC. OP, you've been hiding the entire relationship with guy from your friend, am right? Otherwise, your friend's crush makes no sense. I mean, if friend knows you are dating this guy but is still crushing on him anyway, then I would say she is competing with you and she's not your friend.
------
Bottom line here is that the messiness, whatever the details, may permanently mar your relationship with your friend.
Your only course of action, if friend is more important to you than guy, is to stop dating guy and never ever confess your deeper involvement with him to your friend.
Whatever you do, please don't come clean to your friend and offer to break up with the guy so she can have a shot at him. It would be insulting and faintly condescending of you to offer her your sloppy seconds.
posted by jbenben at 8:32 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's just a crush. She'll get over it. She doesn't know him. Please don't feel bad about this.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:34 AM on October 7, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:34 AM on October 7, 2011
It reads to me like you feel guilty that you have a great guy and she does not. Please keep seeing him-if you care enough to travel then you *do* care. And there is no guarentee that he would take up with her if he was single-NY has its share of women to choose from.
I'm almost positive that if the flame is not fed it will burn itself out. Which would be a good thing-because as long as she is after a man she cannot have she will be unavailable for men she can have.
Tricky situitation but you are a wonderful friend to care about her feelsing so much
posted by Frosted Cactus at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm almost positive that if the flame is not fed it will burn itself out. Which would be a good thing-because as long as she is after a man she cannot have she will be unavailable for men she can have.
Tricky situitation but you are a wonderful friend to care about her feelsing so much
posted by Frosted Cactus at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree that you sound like a nice friend who has gone to great lengths (too great, obviously, though) to protect your friends' feelings.
Advice above is good, so I won't add to it...especially because I have a feeling that what you wrote doesn't capture the whole story because as written it doesn't make a lot of sense.
posted by bearette at 9:14 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Advice above is good, so I won't add to it...especially because I have a feeling that what you wrote doesn't capture the whole story because as written it doesn't make a lot of sense.
posted by bearette at 9:14 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
So your friend met this guy at a networking event, they became Facebook friends, and he said happy birthday, and she is in love and wants to move to New York to be with him?
Honey, unless there's something you're leaving out of this story, either your friend is indulging in a wildly imaginative crush-based romantic fantasy, or she is bugfuck crazy.
Don't stop seeing a guy you like, who also likes you, because of your friend's crush and/or delusion. I like These Birds of a Feather's suggestion on how to explain it to her.
posted by bedhead at 9:25 AM on October 7, 2011
Honey, unless there's something you're leaving out of this story, either your friend is indulging in a wildly imaginative crush-based romantic fantasy, or she is bugfuck crazy.
Don't stop seeing a guy you like, who also likes you, because of your friend's crush and/or delusion. I like These Birds of a Feather's suggestion on how to explain it to her.
posted by bedhead at 9:25 AM on October 7, 2011
my friend is in love
In which case, your friend is crazy, and you shouldn't end a relationship you enjoy because of it. She barely knows him.
Don't break up with him, break up with her.
posted by spaltavian at 9:34 AM on October 7, 2011
In which case, your friend is crazy, and you shouldn't end a relationship you enjoy because of it. She barely knows him.
Don't break up with him, break up with her.
posted by spaltavian at 9:34 AM on October 7, 2011
anonymous, your question does seem really odd, if the answers in this thread are way off base because of some poor wording of something then you can use the contact form at the bottom of this page to email the mods with a clarification that they would be happy to post for you to maintain your anonymity.
posted by Blasdelb at 9:46 AM on October 7, 2011
posted by Blasdelb at 9:46 AM on October 7, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
I have been seeing the guy for about 9 months, and I have told her that I have been going up to NYC since he left. In the beginning of any dating situation, I have a tendency to not talk about it unless I have been going out with the person for at least a month or so. So when he asked about her, I did think that it would be cool. I didn't realize at that time how much she really liked him.posted by mathowie (staff) at 10:00 AM on October 7, 2011
If I did it differently, I would like to have told her on the spot that he asked me out. The other part of the dating thing is that he is a very warm and extroverted character. My friend was hanging out with me and the guy and his friends for last couple of months before he left. I don't know the extent of their friendship, I never asked whether he texts or emails her, and if I knew he liked her as well (he has never really indicated as such), I would break it off.
As such, I feel like I have lost a friend to this, and I have never been in a situation where I am dating a guy that my friends have crushes on. I am not really open about my relationships until I know inside, and maybe I should have been more open. I am at a total loss about this.
Nine months is a long time and seems more serious than you let on in the initial question. That's a pretty well-established relationship. My advice is pretty much the same although I'll clarify a bit--you need to decide where your priorities lie. Either your relationship with this guy is the priority or your relationship with your friend is. That's not a judgement on you because either is a valid priority, but you need to decide for yourself what's more important to you and then take the consequences of that decision. As others have said, there really isn't a "no pain" option here.
posted by Kimberly at 10:49 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Kimberly at 10:49 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your update just makes things more confusing because 9 months of dating is fairly serious, but then you wrote: "So when he asked about her, I did think it would be cool."
Emphasis mine. That sentence makes no sense in context. If she asked about him, then it would make sense. However, you allude to this incident in your original question as well, so I fear you meant it exactly as written.
Hon, it sounds like just the way you have been keeping things from your friend, she has been keeping things from you. Are you sure these two are not involved romantically? Because now it does seem he is dating both of you.
Have you asked them both the status of their relationship with each other? I think you should.
posted by jbenben at 11:13 AM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
Emphasis mine. That sentence makes no sense in context. If she asked about him, then it would make sense. However, you allude to this incident in your original question as well, so I fear you meant it exactly as written.
Hon, it sounds like just the way you have been keeping things from your friend, she has been keeping things from you. Are you sure these two are not involved romantically? Because now it does seem he is dating both of you.
Have you asked them both the status of their relationship with each other? I think you should.
posted by jbenben at 11:13 AM on October 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
Wait. You have been seeing this dude for nine months and your friend doesn't know about it...? Have you and The Dude been hanging out with her in a group, while she has been nursing a crush on him, unaware that you and he are actually an item?
With all due respect, if I were your friend, and I found out that you'd been listening to me wax poetic about a big crush I had on a guy that I thought we were both solely mutual friends with, whom you were actually DATING and you didn't ever tell me that? I would be pissed. Do none of your mutual friends know you guys are dating? I am confused. Does no one know you are dating? Or is she the only one in the dark?
Regardless, I suspect there is no way out of this situation that doesn't involve some dramz.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:40 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
With all due respect, if I were your friend, and I found out that you'd been listening to me wax poetic about a big crush I had on a guy that I thought we were both solely mutual friends with, whom you were actually DATING and you didn't ever tell me that? I would be pissed. Do none of your mutual friends know you guys are dating? I am confused. Does no one know you are dating? Or is she the only one in the dark?
Regardless, I suspect there is no way out of this situation that doesn't involve some dramz.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:40 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
jbenben: ""So when he asked about her, I did think it would be cool." ... That sentence makes no sense in context."
I think she is referring to this:
the guy suggested I bring my friend along so that his friend could have someone to have drinks with
The OP thought it was cool to bring her friend on her date (for the other guy), and inadvertently gave her friend the wrong impression.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:58 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think she is referring to this:
the guy suggested I bring my friend along so that his friend could have someone to have drinks with
The OP thought it was cool to bring her friend on her date (for the other guy), and inadvertently gave her friend the wrong impression.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:58 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
The update has only confused me more. A few weeks or a couple of months I could understand, but openly expressing desire for a guy a close friend has been seeing for nine months is very strange. It's not so unusual for two friends to like the same guy, but when one of them is dating him for nine months this is a significant investment, even if you're not talking marriage or anything like that.
I mean, I just don't get why it matters if you told her "on the spot" that you were seeing him. This has been going on for a long time, and she's never done anything with him at all. Why is she still looking for "signs" that he likes her (like Facebook greetings)? I know you're afraid you've lost your friend but I honestly cannot see why this would be such a big deal for her that it would destroy your friendship.
posted by Danila at 12:30 PM on October 7, 2011
I mean, I just don't get why it matters if you told her "on the spot" that you were seeing him. This has been going on for a long time, and she's never done anything with him at all. Why is she still looking for "signs" that he likes her (like Facebook greetings)? I know you're afraid you've lost your friend but I honestly cannot see why this would be such a big deal for her that it would destroy your friendship.
posted by Danila at 12:30 PM on October 7, 2011
Response by poster: OP, your update is still confusing.
1) Does your friend know you and the guy are currently dating and have been for 9 months?
2) If so, does she still want to move up to NYC for him?
posted by Anonymous at 12:59 PM on October 7, 2011
1) Does your friend know you and the guy are currently dating and have been for 9 months?
2) If so, does she still want to move up to NYC for him?
posted by Anonymous at 12:59 PM on October 7, 2011
Oh my god. If you like this guy, keep seeing him. Your friend has no right to the people you date just because she likes them. Stand up straight, be honest with everyone, and stop investing in drama.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:39 PM on October 7, 2011
posted by oneirodynia at 1:39 PM on October 7, 2011
tell your friend you're seeing this guy dating/romantic-wise. if she says anything to the effect that she had "dibs" on him gently try to explain how this is ridiculous, he's a person, he pursued a relationship with you, you also like him, etc. if she's inconsolable show her this thread.
if she's a good friend she might express that she's a little sad that she can't be w/ him, or she might not saying anything about it. either way, she should express that she's happy for you.
let's say that you do break up w/ your guy about this. if i were you're guy, i would be upset if you told me you're doing it b/c your friend likes me, and i should really date your friend, and i certainly wouldn't date your friend regardless of anything else in that situation. if you don't tell him that's the reason, it's pretty manipulative. even if you break up with him, he might not date your friend anyway; he may decide to be single or pursue some third person.
the action that will maximize happiness of all parties is to continue seeing this guy. maybe your friend won't like you any more, but that's really her problem.
posted by cupcake1337 at 3:13 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
if she's a good friend she might express that she's a little sad that she can't be w/ him, or she might not saying anything about it. either way, she should express that she's happy for you.
let's say that you do break up w/ your guy about this. if i were you're guy, i would be upset if you told me you're doing it b/c your friend likes me, and i should really date your friend, and i certainly wouldn't date your friend regardless of anything else in that situation. if you don't tell him that's the reason, it's pretty manipulative. even if you break up with him, he might not date your friend anyway; he may decide to be single or pursue some third person.
the action that will maximize happiness of all parties is to continue seeing this guy. maybe your friend won't like you any more, but that's really her problem.
posted by cupcake1337 at 3:13 PM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wish your friend would write in. I think it'd be interesting to juxtapose her post with yours. Seems like you are being intentionally vague and that that may be an indication of how you've communicated with your friend over the past few months. Something is just off about the entire question: 1) You're dating a guy for 9 months, riding 4 hours to see him regularly yet you almost dismiss it as "casual." (Is this because you all are not exclusive?) 2) Someone you work with and hang out with throughout the week doesn't know you've been dating someone for that long?
As Judge Judy always says, "If it doesn't sound right, it's not right." Something is not right about this whole question...
(But I hope you work it out and get over the pain either way.)
posted by GeniPalm at 3:20 PM on October 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
As Judge Judy always says, "If it doesn't sound right, it's not right." Something is not right about this whole question...
(But I hope you work it out and get over the pain either way.)
posted by GeniPalm at 3:20 PM on October 7, 2011 [6 favorites]
If I have this right, you haven't once told your friend that you're dating this guy. Tell your friend.
It's not clear whether she is actually also dating this guy, and whether she actually has feelings for him or whether she has a fantasy crush (or even less).
You really need to talk with your friend. And preferably also this guy you've been seeing. A lot (all?) of the drama here is being caused by not only your earlier dishonesty, but also your continued and continuing lack of directness.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:49 PM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's not clear whether she is actually also dating this guy, and whether she actually has feelings for him or whether she has a fantasy crush (or even less).
You really need to talk with your friend. And preferably also this guy you've been seeing. A lot (all?) of the drama here is being caused by not only your earlier dishonesty, but also your continued and continuing lack of directness.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:49 PM on October 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 6:52 AM on October 7, 2011 [30 favorites]