Why don't I feel sadness anymore?
October 3, 2011 6:14 PM Subscribe
Why don't I feel sadness anymore?
I'm a white male, 21, in college, who take medicine for ADHD. I like to think of myself as fairly well adjusted, pretty generally healthy. I'm a bit introverted, but I don't mind jumping out of my shell every now and then. I'm usually pretty cheerful and upbeat.
I just realized I haven't felt anything near what I would quantify as sadness for the past three years. Not when my best friend's mother died, not when my own mother was diagnosed with cancer (she has since had a successful treatment), not when my long term girlfriend broke up with me for her ex... No sadness. I worried for my friend and his family, for my mom, etc, but never cried, never felt sad. Coupled with all of these events was a sort of acceptance, I guess you could call it? A sort of "Ah, damn. That sucks. Time to move on/get things rolling again" kind of thing. I'd say it's almost as if I myself am removed from the situation, and just looking at it from far away, or maybe reading about it in the newspaper.
I do feel other emotions; I'm often quite happy, or troubled with anxiety, or jealousy, etc. Just, whenever a situation comes up where I should feel sad, I just get a sort of distant acceptance and determination to adjust to the new circumstances.
I haven't gone to a psychologist or therapist, because this hasn't caused me problems so far, and I don't have the money. However, I am slightly worried that this might be indicative of a mental disorder, or a general lack of empathy. Any ideas on what exactly might be going on?
I'm a white male, 21, in college, who take medicine for ADHD. I like to think of myself as fairly well adjusted, pretty generally healthy. I'm a bit introverted, but I don't mind jumping out of my shell every now and then. I'm usually pretty cheerful and upbeat.
I just realized I haven't felt anything near what I would quantify as sadness for the past three years. Not when my best friend's mother died, not when my own mother was diagnosed with cancer (she has since had a successful treatment), not when my long term girlfriend broke up with me for her ex... No sadness. I worried for my friend and his family, for my mom, etc, but never cried, never felt sad. Coupled with all of these events was a sort of acceptance, I guess you could call it? A sort of "Ah, damn. That sucks. Time to move on/get things rolling again" kind of thing. I'd say it's almost as if I myself am removed from the situation, and just looking at it from far away, or maybe reading about it in the newspaper.
I do feel other emotions; I'm often quite happy, or troubled with anxiety, or jealousy, etc. Just, whenever a situation comes up where I should feel sad, I just get a sort of distant acceptance and determination to adjust to the new circumstances.
I haven't gone to a psychologist or therapist, because this hasn't caused me problems so far, and I don't have the money. However, I am slightly worried that this might be indicative of a mental disorder, or a general lack of empathy. Any ideas on what exactly might be going on?
Some drugs used to treat ADHD have blunted affect as a side effect. If you felt more emotional before you started on the medication, it might be something worth talking to your doctor about.
posted by jabes at 6:23 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jabes at 6:23 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you are in college, then your health services probably has a counselor or therapist on staff you can talk to. I would suggest going to see them if you are that worried about it.
posted by TheBones at 6:33 PM on October 3, 2011
posted by TheBones at 6:33 PM on October 3, 2011
Handling life's downs better is one of the upsides to getting older. Around the time I was 24 or so stuff just quit bothering me as much, even deaths and whatnot. I have noticed a lot of people mature greatly after they turn 23 or so, give or take some years, and fewer things are catastrophic for them. Once you have some bad experiences under your belt, you either come out stronger or weaker; stronger because it takes more to feel like a huge deal, because you know you'll get through, etc. After a while you go from having to reassure yourseld everything will be okay, to really not feeling much in need of conscious reassurance.
It may be some harmful neurological thing, but don't discount maturity. I would hate to think that difficult times are *supposed* to always break you anew.
posted by Nattie at 6:40 PM on October 3, 2011
It may be some harmful neurological thing, but don't discount maturity. I would hate to think that difficult times are *supposed* to always break you anew.
posted by Nattie at 6:40 PM on October 3, 2011
I feel the exact same way. I'm 22, not on any medications. I'm looking forward to the other responses here. I feel kind of like my life is closing in around me, like I'm the living dead. I've lost a lot of my more enthusiastic feelings, too, but that feels more expected, and my life is more stable than it has ever been. I just don't really feel like I'm living it.
My mom is the exact opposite-- in her 40s and she breaks down every time there is minor cause for worry. I admire her emotional connectedness but at the same time, wonder about the inability to cope. It's kind of like I've put so much work into making myself a stable person that I weigh the risks and gains of emotional engagement and usually come out on the side of isolationism. But this could be a more rationalized account than the behavior deserves.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:38 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
My mom is the exact opposite-- in her 40s and she breaks down every time there is minor cause for worry. I admire her emotional connectedness but at the same time, wonder about the inability to cope. It's kind of like I've put so much work into making myself a stable person that I weigh the risks and gains of emotional engagement and usually come out on the side of isolationism. But this could be a more rationalized account than the behavior deserves.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:38 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might want to look up dissociation. Perhaps some sort of trauma (even a small one) caused you to detach. The way you describe things as being like they are far removed from you made me think of dissociation.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:34 PM on October 3, 2011
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:34 PM on October 3, 2011
Well, odds are it's the drugs, but stoneandstar's post made me think. Because my mom is the one who cries and breaks down and needs help, and I am the stoic one who has to hold it all together to take care of her. Why? Because my dad got sick and I have had to be a (shitty) caregiver on some level for a long ass time now, even after he finally died. I totally attribute the long and winding death road to a lot of why I am rather numb, uncaring, not all that sad, what have you. It was how I coped. SOMEONE had to be the one who held it all together. And you mentioned your mom having cancer for awhile...
That just might have something to do with it too. It's an idea. Feel free to ignore if it doesn't feel right on for you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:35 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
That just might have something to do with it too. It's an idea. Feel free to ignore if it doesn't feel right on for you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:35 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
i feel the same way and i'm 20 years old. as unfortunate as it is, i am glad to know that i'm not the only that has experienced this and that others aren't alone in this either because it can be terrifying and unsettling.
i disassociated for three years (subconcsiously, of course) because of various things that happened to me and now i'm paying for it because i am so disconnected from my thoughts and my emotions. my therapist described it best by telling me that i do feel thoughts but that these thoughts seem to be hitting a wall and can only go so far. as for my emotions, i feel so disconnected to the point where i cannot relate my thoughts to my emotions, but i'm trying very hard. i have stopped trying to force myself to feel a certain way and to spend a bit more time thinking about why something is the way that it is. honestly, the advice that my therapist gave me was to be more mindful but i don't think that it's helping.
anyways, my point with all of this is to let you know that you are definitely not alone. as for my advice? stop trying to force yourself or expect yourself to feel a certain way and just feel (as cliche as that sounds). this may be off, but your emotions seem intact because you can recognize emotions such as happiness and jealousy, although you do not feel sadness or perhaps you do not recognize sadness. you might be putting a wall up that prevents you from expressing your sadness because you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable state. however, you might also not recognize your sadness because you expect it to be something that is similar to devastation and do not recognize sadness.
by the way, i know that it can be scary so feel free to memail me if you want to 'chat' more.
posted by sincerely-s at 8:36 PM on October 3, 2011
i disassociated for three years (subconcsiously, of course) because of various things that happened to me and now i'm paying for it because i am so disconnected from my thoughts and my emotions. my therapist described it best by telling me that i do feel thoughts but that these thoughts seem to be hitting a wall and can only go so far. as for my emotions, i feel so disconnected to the point where i cannot relate my thoughts to my emotions, but i'm trying very hard. i have stopped trying to force myself to feel a certain way and to spend a bit more time thinking about why something is the way that it is. honestly, the advice that my therapist gave me was to be more mindful but i don't think that it's helping.
anyways, my point with all of this is to let you know that you are definitely not alone. as for my advice? stop trying to force yourself or expect yourself to feel a certain way and just feel (as cliche as that sounds). this may be off, but your emotions seem intact because you can recognize emotions such as happiness and jealousy, although you do not feel sadness or perhaps you do not recognize sadness. you might be putting a wall up that prevents you from expressing your sadness because you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable state. however, you might also not recognize your sadness because you expect it to be something that is similar to devastation and do not recognize sadness.
by the way, i know that it can be scary so feel free to memail me if you want to 'chat' more.
posted by sincerely-s at 8:36 PM on October 3, 2011
I totally get the feeling -- I was quite emotionally numb at your age, and I still am -- but, to be perfectly honest, you sound completely 100% A-OK normal.
Those things you think in retrospect you should have been sad about, well, they really don't sound like things where sadness is the only possible appropriate emotional response, and the alternatives seem much more likely.
Friend's mother dying: Doesn't really affect you personally; appropriate responses might include pity, sympathy, concern. Mother diagnosed with cancer: Potential for future sadness, but not sad per se; appropriate responses might include worry (check!), concern, hope. Girlfriend broke up with you for someone else: End of an era, sure, but total dick move; approprate responses might include anger, jealousy, ambivalence, relief, restrained jubilation, ecstasy, and on and on.
Things will almost certainly make you really, truly emotionally devastated sometime in the future. Here's hoping they don't come too soon or too often.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:04 PM on October 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Those things you think in retrospect you should have been sad about, well, they really don't sound like things where sadness is the only possible appropriate emotional response, and the alternatives seem much more likely.
Friend's mother dying: Doesn't really affect you personally; appropriate responses might include pity, sympathy, concern. Mother diagnosed with cancer: Potential for future sadness, but not sad per se; appropriate responses might include worry (check!), concern, hope. Girlfriend broke up with you for someone else: End of an era, sure, but total dick move; approprate responses might include anger, jealousy, ambivalence, relief, restrained jubilation, ecstasy, and on and on.
Things will almost certainly make you really, truly emotionally devastated sometime in the future. Here's hoping they don't come too soon or too often.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:04 PM on October 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
(Also, I have a feeling emotional blunting -- that is, emotional normalising -- is to be expected in one's early twenties, on account of the crazy teenage hormones have been turned down considerably.)
posted by Sys Rq at 9:16 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Sys Rq at 9:16 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think you're weird. I rarely get terribly sad about stuff either, my reaction is generally to either fix stuff or to get angry about it and then fix it. The last time I was genuinely very sad was last year when my old dog died. There was nothing to be done about it by that point. I'd death with her impending death without feeling sad at all, making sure she was happy, evaluating her quality of life etc. Once she was actually gone though I was devastated for a day or two.
posted by fshgrl at 11:39 PM on October 3, 2011
posted by fshgrl at 11:39 PM on October 3, 2011
The prototypical 'male' reaction to emotional pain is withdrawal. Sounds pretty normal to me
posted by MangyCarface at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2011
posted by MangyCarface at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2011
That's a thing that happens. All of the Constant Tragedy of Youth has melted away, and if you derived any meaningfulness from that emotional roller-coaster, you may feel blunted now that it is gone.
And many ADHD medications have the effect of giving a more positive spin on life, partially because of the main effect of the medication, but also because you are able to finally handle all of the busy work of life. Getting complicated work assignments are no longer a terror, because you know that you will be able to complete them.
posted by gjc at 6:20 AM on October 4, 2011
And many ADHD medications have the effect of giving a more positive spin on life, partially because of the main effect of the medication, but also because you are able to finally handle all of the busy work of life. Getting complicated work assignments are no longer a terror, because you know that you will be able to complete them.
posted by gjc at 6:20 AM on October 4, 2011
You, my friend, are the proud owner of health personal boundaries and are doing well at both developing a strong sense of self as well as a pragmatic view of your own ability to control the world around you. Accompanying those personal boundaries seems to be resilience and calmness.
As we age and gain experience, we see that indeed the moment one is informed of death, cancer, and breakup are not the actually story that will unfold ahead. In the case of death, you remain centred and can support your friend. In the case of cancer, you remain levelheaded and understand that there is an entire process ahead that may work out in any number of ways. In the case of the breakup, you realise that whilst you had a good run, you are ultimately better off being dumped by someone who is not committed to you.
Sadness often relates to control. We become sad at those things which both directly affect us, are distinctly negative, and we cannot control. In each event you outline, those factors were not present. Your friend's mother dying did not directly affect you, your mother's cancer diagnosis was not distinctly negative, and you could not control your breakup.
You answered your own question with the 'should' statement. You 'shouldn't' feel anything. The important thing is what you do feel. If you chat with elderly people, they maintain a very pragmatic approach to life events -- death, war, illness -- that make younger people cringe. Reason being is they have a very realistic attitude toward control and inevitability. They then make the choice to just go about their day. Your newspaper illustration is not far off. These are events that primarily affect other people.
Granted, you should feel empathy in terms of recognising and understanding other people's sadness. You obviously need to modify your behaviour when someone close to you is experiencing sadness. If you are not being empathetic, then go see a therapist.
Otherwise, rock on with your new-found adult centered-ness.
posted by nickrussell at 7:37 AM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
As we age and gain experience, we see that indeed the moment one is informed of death, cancer, and breakup are not the actually story that will unfold ahead. In the case of death, you remain centred and can support your friend. In the case of cancer, you remain levelheaded and understand that there is an entire process ahead that may work out in any number of ways. In the case of the breakup, you realise that whilst you had a good run, you are ultimately better off being dumped by someone who is not committed to you.
Sadness often relates to control. We become sad at those things which both directly affect us, are distinctly negative, and we cannot control. In each event you outline, those factors were not present. Your friend's mother dying did not directly affect you, your mother's cancer diagnosis was not distinctly negative, and you could not control your breakup.
You answered your own question with the 'should' statement. You 'shouldn't' feel anything. The important thing is what you do feel. If you chat with elderly people, they maintain a very pragmatic approach to life events -- death, war, illness -- that make younger people cringe. Reason being is they have a very realistic attitude toward control and inevitability. They then make the choice to just go about their day. Your newspaper illustration is not far off. These are events that primarily affect other people.
Granted, you should feel empathy in terms of recognising and understanding other people's sadness. You obviously need to modify your behaviour when someone close to you is experiencing sadness. If you are not being empathetic, then go see a therapist.
Otherwise, rock on with your new-found adult centered-ness.
posted by nickrussell at 7:37 AM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you want to check your reactions, you could try watching a sad film, or listening to a sad piece of music and see if it affects you. Don't assume it will work the first time however, and you will need to generally approve of the style or content.
posted by leibniz at 8:59 AM on October 4, 2011
posted by leibniz at 8:59 AM on October 4, 2011
For the record, I wrote that I was dealing with the same thing, and I'm female. Here's hoping it's just maturity.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:47 AM on October 4, 2011
posted by stoneandstar at 10:47 AM on October 4, 2011
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