How can I ask my current boyfriend for an unusual technique an ex showed me?
July 22, 2011 7:34 AM Subscribe
An ex had a very specific sexual technique that drove me crazy. How can I request it from my current boyfriend?
I'm a cis woman and these partners are cis men, in case it's relevant. A few years ago, I dated Aaron, who blew my mind sexually, and with one technique in particular. Now I'm dating Ben -- we've been together for about a year -- but I find myself missing that technique in particular. Is there any good way to describe/request it?
It's not something I could've come up with alone or while masturbating, unfortunately. Also, it happens during penetrative sex, and I can't do it to myself.
It's not a general category ("have you heard about that G-spot thing? Let's explore") or something specific but straightforward ("you know what I think is hot? Can you call me your little whore?").
My usual cover story is "The other day I was watching porn and I saw something I want to try." Unfortunately, this technique is easy to do but hard to describe, so he'd definitely ask to see the porn to understand what I mean. And although I watch a reasonable amount of porn, I've never come across anything similar to this move.
I'm open to any other ways to introduce it. If it helps, a description would be something like "so I get like this, and then you get over there like that, and fuck me. Then with your free hand, you can do xyz, and both of my hands are free for whatever you want." It's not gymnastic or bizarre, and it shouldn't take away much focus at all from the penetrative sex (which is Ben's favorite).
Please give me ideas on how to bring it up and describe it. I'm usually very open and willing to communicate, but he'll get butthurt if he realizes I want something an ex did (to him that's like saying an ex was "better at sex" than he is).
Please don't say things like "Ben's a man, right? He's going to be so excited you have a suggestion, he's not going to care where it's coming from." This is definitely not the case; I have a higher sex drive than he does. Our compromise works, so I'm not looking to dtmfa, but it's not like he's magically going to be super into anything/everything. Stereotypes like that don't do any good, they just hurt me.
Bonus question: How do I not feel guilty?
I like a lot of different things, sexually. Ben likes one thing: one pattern of foreplay, one position, one tempo, one response from me. I feel bad being the one who constantly asks "can we try...?" When I ask if there's anything he wants to do, he just says "no, I'm a dude, I only want that," as if all men only liked one type of stimulation. I think he's being honest (we're open about kink and more embarrassing things, and he's genuinely baffled that, for example, any man could care about his nipples). In general, I feel like there's nothing nice I can do for him sexually: he gets bored when I pay attention to his body, he'd rather not waste time on blowjobs, he doesn't care about lingerie, surprises make him feel pressured to perform, etc. So I feel guilty that I'm always the one showing "hey, when you x my y, look what happens!" I should clarify that he's not a jerk about it -- he's not going "ugh, again?" or anything. I also try not to be a jerk; I bring up each thing/fantasy once, and if he doesn't seem enthusiastic and never follows up, I don't mention it again.
In general our sexual compromises are working out pretty well, and our relationship is strong even though this isn't the single hottest connection I've ever had. But we're in a rut, and goddamn, I would appreciate Ben's take on this technique if only I could find a way to ask that wouldn't hurt him.
I'm a cis woman and these partners are cis men, in case it's relevant. A few years ago, I dated Aaron, who blew my mind sexually, and with one technique in particular. Now I'm dating Ben -- we've been together for about a year -- but I find myself missing that technique in particular. Is there any good way to describe/request it?
It's not something I could've come up with alone or while masturbating, unfortunately. Also, it happens during penetrative sex, and I can't do it to myself.
It's not a general category ("have you heard about that G-spot thing? Let's explore") or something specific but straightforward ("you know what I think is hot? Can you call me your little whore?").
My usual cover story is "The other day I was watching porn and I saw something I want to try." Unfortunately, this technique is easy to do but hard to describe, so he'd definitely ask to see the porn to understand what I mean. And although I watch a reasonable amount of porn, I've never come across anything similar to this move.
I'm open to any other ways to introduce it. If it helps, a description would be something like "so I get like this, and then you get over there like that, and fuck me. Then with your free hand, you can do xyz, and both of my hands are free for whatever you want." It's not gymnastic or bizarre, and it shouldn't take away much focus at all from the penetrative sex (which is Ben's favorite).
Please give me ideas on how to bring it up and describe it. I'm usually very open and willing to communicate, but he'll get butthurt if he realizes I want something an ex did (to him that's like saying an ex was "better at sex" than he is).
Please don't say things like "Ben's a man, right? He's going to be so excited you have a suggestion, he's not going to care where it's coming from." This is definitely not the case; I have a higher sex drive than he does. Our compromise works, so I'm not looking to dtmfa, but it's not like he's magically going to be super into anything/everything. Stereotypes like that don't do any good, they just hurt me.
Bonus question: How do I not feel guilty?
I like a lot of different things, sexually. Ben likes one thing: one pattern of foreplay, one position, one tempo, one response from me. I feel bad being the one who constantly asks "can we try...?" When I ask if there's anything he wants to do, he just says "no, I'm a dude, I only want that," as if all men only liked one type of stimulation. I think he's being honest (we're open about kink and more embarrassing things, and he's genuinely baffled that, for example, any man could care about his nipples). In general, I feel like there's nothing nice I can do for him sexually: he gets bored when I pay attention to his body, he'd rather not waste time on blowjobs, he doesn't care about lingerie, surprises make him feel pressured to perform, etc. So I feel guilty that I'm always the one showing "hey, when you x my y, look what happens!" I should clarify that he's not a jerk about it -- he's not going "ugh, again?" or anything. I also try not to be a jerk; I bring up each thing/fantasy once, and if he doesn't seem enthusiastic and never follows up, I don't mention it again.
In general our sexual compromises are working out pretty well, and our relationship is strong even though this isn't the single hottest connection I've ever had. But we're in a rut, and goddamn, I would appreciate Ben's take on this technique if only I could find a way to ask that wouldn't hurt him.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE US MORE DETAILS ON THIS FANTASTIC TECHNIQUE!
Ahem.
A couple of suggestions:
When you're fucking, just do whatever your part of this is. Is this a you on top thing? Get on top. Side by side? Roll on your side. See what happens. If the right things aren't happening, move his hand, or cock or cockatiel to where it's supposed to be. See what happens. This could be hit or miss, but it leads to alternative 2:
"Baby, you know when you were sexing me up the other day, you did something and I don't know what it was, but I can't stop thinking about it." He'll never remember the play by play of his sexy moves, and will be flattered and will want to help get you back to that sexy place he sexed you to. Then just tell him what he should be doing and get him to do it right.
Other options:
"I was looking at some girl's sexy tumblr of porny things and she was talking about this thing that sounds amazing you could be doing with your junk while we're getting it on. But URGH! I can't remember which tumblr it was, so we'll have to improvise, and let me tell you all the things you need to do."
And
"Yawn! I just had the most amazing dream, and I'm still dripping wet. You were [on top of me] and putting your [cock] in [my vajayjay] and [the cockatiel] was [all flying around the room] and it was awesome. Let's do that right now."
EXEUNT OMNES.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:47 AM on July 22, 2011 [92 favorites]
Ahem.
A couple of suggestions:
When you're fucking, just do whatever your part of this is. Is this a you on top thing? Get on top. Side by side? Roll on your side. See what happens. If the right things aren't happening, move his hand, or cock or cockatiel to where it's supposed to be. See what happens. This could be hit or miss, but it leads to alternative 2:
"Baby, you know when you were sexing me up the other day, you did something and I don't know what it was, but I can't stop thinking about it." He'll never remember the play by play of his sexy moves, and will be flattered and will want to help get you back to that sexy place he sexed you to. Then just tell him what he should be doing and get him to do it right.
Other options:
"I was looking at some girl's sexy tumblr of porny things and she was talking about this thing that sounds amazing you could be doing with your junk while we're getting it on. But URGH! I can't remember which tumblr it was, so we'll have to improvise, and let me tell you all the things you need to do."
And
"Yawn! I just had the most amazing dream, and I'm still dripping wet. You were [on top of me] and putting your [cock] in [my vajayjay] and [the cockatiel] was [all flying around the room] and it was awesome. Let's do that right now."
EXEUNT OMNES.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:47 AM on July 22, 2011 [92 favorites]
Maybe a glass of wine for both of you first? Not a lot, just enough to make you brave enough to ask and loosen him up enough to try.
You shouldn't feel bad about trying to make sex better for you. What you are doing is trying to ward off a scenario where you break up with him or cheat.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:47 AM on July 22, 2011
You shouldn't feel bad about trying to make sex better for you. What you are doing is trying to ward off a scenario where you break up with him or cheat.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:47 AM on July 22, 2011
Well, I think at this point it has left the frame of "something my ex used to do to me" and is now instead, "this is what I like." I would bring it up en flagrante delecto. In my experience, men are really turned on when a woman tells him what she wants.
posted by frecklefaerie at 7:51 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by frecklefaerie at 7:51 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Why feel bad? Every partnership has stuff like this. If not sex, well, thus guy goes to every indie rock show in the city and is always trying to drag me along. Or this gal is so into hiking, it's like every Saturday she wants us to get out of town. Or this guy is so into his family that we go to all these family events for practically made up holidays.
People take turns taking the lead and trying to get their partners into the activities that they like. I learned a lot about a lot of activities and got taken a lot of fun places via a partners' interest in it. No moral overtones to this, certainly nothing to feel guilty about, assuming they can opt out when they want to. It just so happens that a place in this partnership where an activity is more your thing is sexual variety.
posted by salvia at 8:01 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
People take turns taking the lead and trying to get their partners into the activities that they like. I learned a lot about a lot of activities and got taken a lot of fun places via a partners' interest in it. No moral overtones to this, certainly nothing to feel guilty about, assuming they can opt out when they want to. It just so happens that a place in this partnership where an activity is more your thing is sexual variety.
posted by salvia at 8:01 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I bring up each thing/fantasy once
There you go. Bring it up at whatever time you would bring up any other thing/fantasy. You can tell him you've just been fantasizing about it or you can cook up an elaborate backstory - saying you saw it in a porn is no impediment since we are now in the age of Xtube and Youporn so it's really not unlikely that you might see a porn clip you wouldn't be able to find again. Or say you had a dream and you want to try it right now because it was so hot.
Or, as mentioned in other comments, you could just say "This is what I like," and tell him.
In terms of how to describe it, you really just need to give him step-by-step directions on what to do with his body and what to do with yours. That's all.
he'll get butthurt if he realizes I want something an ex did (to him that's like saying an ex was "better at sex" than he is)
If he's someone for whom sex is relatively uniform - which is not a bad thing - and he's dating someone for whom sex historically has been more about exploration and/or experimentation, then he needs to be able to accept the fact that you've done things in bed he himself has not, and that doesn't mean they were better than he is - in fact, he really needs to take it as the compliment it is, since you want to do these awesome things with him and not with any ex of yours.
There's probably a way you can say that which will make it sound tempting and sweet. I say start there.
The point is: There is something you want, something which would excite and satisfy you, and in your current relationship there is no way to get it without lying. I don't think it has to be that way, and I think that open communication - and reassurances that it's him you want, and not anyone else - would be a good start towards making it so you don't have to lie about it. And I think that would help with this situation and with any others that arise.
To answer the bonus question:
You feel guilty because you're slightly frustrated with someone who isn't actually doing anything wrong, and you know he isn't, and you don't feel like you have the right to be slightly frustrated. That's part of it. Another part of it is that you feel like you're imposing. Your best bet to avoid feelings of guilt is to remind yourself that you're both happy with the way things are: you don't need the sex to be much wilder than it is, and he doesn't need you to stop offering up suggestions as long as it's okay for him to say no to them.
In other words: If your compromise works, let it work. If it doesn't, fine-tune it. But without communication (which may occasionally be less than comfortable for one or both parties, but that is all right because you're on the same team) it's only going to get worse.
I think you can work it out. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
There you go. Bring it up at whatever time you would bring up any other thing/fantasy. You can tell him you've just been fantasizing about it or you can cook up an elaborate backstory - saying you saw it in a porn is no impediment since we are now in the age of Xtube and Youporn so it's really not unlikely that you might see a porn clip you wouldn't be able to find again. Or say you had a dream and you want to try it right now because it was so hot.
Or, as mentioned in other comments, you could just say "This is what I like," and tell him.
In terms of how to describe it, you really just need to give him step-by-step directions on what to do with his body and what to do with yours. That's all.
he'll get butthurt if he realizes I want something an ex did (to him that's like saying an ex was "better at sex" than he is)
If he's someone for whom sex is relatively uniform - which is not a bad thing - and he's dating someone for whom sex historically has been more about exploration and/or experimentation, then he needs to be able to accept the fact that you've done things in bed he himself has not, and that doesn't mean they were better than he is - in fact, he really needs to take it as the compliment it is, since you want to do these awesome things with him and not with any ex of yours.
There's probably a way you can say that which will make it sound tempting and sweet. I say start there.
The point is: There is something you want, something which would excite and satisfy you, and in your current relationship there is no way to get it without lying. I don't think it has to be that way, and I think that open communication - and reassurances that it's him you want, and not anyone else - would be a good start towards making it so you don't have to lie about it. And I think that would help with this situation and with any others that arise.
To answer the bonus question:
You feel guilty because you're slightly frustrated with someone who isn't actually doing anything wrong, and you know he isn't, and you don't feel like you have the right to be slightly frustrated. That's part of it. Another part of it is that you feel like you're imposing. Your best bet to avoid feelings of guilt is to remind yourself that you're both happy with the way things are: you don't need the sex to be much wilder than it is, and he doesn't need you to stop offering up suggestions as long as it's okay for him to say no to them.
In other words: If your compromise works, let it work. If it doesn't, fine-tune it. But without communication (which may occasionally be less than comfortable for one or both parties, but that is all right because you're on the same team) it's only going to get worse.
I think you can work it out. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the problem is that asking for a specific thing is too much for him to handle, then just be a little circumspect about it. Lead up to it by trying a series of other things first, and then after a few weeks of experimenting suggest the minor changes that result in your desired thing and make it seem like suddenly you just two just stumbled on it together and it's fantastic. Then it's his thing instead of some ex's thing.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Rhomboid at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ben needs to grow up a little. You shouldn't have to waste your energy thinking up circuitous paths around the fact that not only have you had sex with other men, but that you liked it. Adults have sexual histories, and while it's reasonable he doesn't want to dwell on yours, it's not reasonable to deny yours exists, punish you for having one, or get angry just because you make a request that allows him to infer it exists.
You've done a nice thing by creating some polite fictions about the origin of your knowledge of a sex act you'd like to try with him. Now it's his turn as a mature adult to do the polite thing by not pressing you for details about why or how you know this is something that turns you on. Any fool can deduce that it's something an ex did with you. But only a complete fool would focus on that instead of you, now, in bed. Adult situations mean adult priorities. He's thinking like a teenager.
Bringing this up is more of a long-term solution to improve your sex life generally, as it probably won't help with this one instance very much. But maybe this perspective can help you not feel guilty about the dynamic here, because you shouldn't. It's mostly his problem.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 8:33 AM on July 22, 2011 [28 favorites]
You've done a nice thing by creating some polite fictions about the origin of your knowledge of a sex act you'd like to try with him. Now it's his turn as a mature adult to do the polite thing by not pressing you for details about why or how you know this is something that turns you on. Any fool can deduce that it's something an ex did with you. But only a complete fool would focus on that instead of you, now, in bed. Adult situations mean adult priorities. He's thinking like a teenager.
Bringing this up is more of a long-term solution to improve your sex life generally, as it probably won't help with this one instance very much. But maybe this perspective can help you not feel guilty about the dynamic here, because you shouldn't. It's mostly his problem.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 8:33 AM on July 22, 2011 [28 favorites]
Frame it as something a (female) friend told you about?
posted by corvine at 8:33 AM on July 22, 2011
posted by corvine at 8:33 AM on July 22, 2011
Admiral Haddock's first suggestion. Start doing whatever you have to do to ... do it, and then either maneuver him into doing his part, or afterward bring up how amazing it was but how it might be just a little bit better, even, if he actually did this next time.
posted by penduluum at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2011
posted by penduluum at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2011
If it's "I do this and you do that" followed by "you put your hands here", can you not arrange yourself into this position and then encourange him to touch you? As/when he finds the magic spot (or another spot you don't know about yet) then react with suitable delight that he'll want to do it again?
Sadly, this depends on us having some idea of what the positions are - somehow manouvering him into a scissor fuck is rather different to 'accidentally' finding yourself swinging from the ceiling throwing ring donuts over his old man...
posted by twine42 at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sadly, this depends on us having some idea of what the positions are - somehow manouvering him into a scissor fuck is rather different to 'accidentally' finding yourself swinging from the ceiling throwing ring donuts over his old man...
posted by twine42 at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
after a few weeks of experimenting suggest the minor changes that result in your desired thing and make it seem like suddenly you just two just stumbled on it together and it's fantastic. Then it's his thing instead of some ex's thing.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. Work your way back to it organically rather than present it whole cloth as a set routine. You might find a variation that works better with Ben anyway, and if not then just grabbing things and adjusting at the right time will do the job.
posted by shelleycat at 8:43 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is pretty much what I was going to say. Work your way back to it organically rather than present it whole cloth as a set routine. You might find a variation that works better with Ben anyway, and if not then just grabbing things and adjusting at the right time will do the job.
posted by shelleycat at 8:43 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, Admiral Haddock's first suggestion. Maybe try it in stages, so the first time you maneuver into the position you like, the second time you move his hand to where it needs to be, the third time you say "hey, this combo is really working, let's do it like so..."
How do you not feel guilty? Just don't. You learned something you liked. You want to have the opportunity to like it again. The fact that you learned it from your ex is irrelevant. You deserve to have the sexual relationship you want, full stop.
posted by Specklet at 9:00 AM on July 22, 2011
How do you not feel guilty? Just don't. You learned something you liked. You want to have the opportunity to like it again. The fact that you learned it from your ex is irrelevant. You deserve to have the sexual relationship you want, full stop.
posted by Specklet at 9:00 AM on July 22, 2011
Why are you feeling guilty about your own pleasure? You have just as much right to pleasure as he does, and you're pretty normal, woman-wise, for needing more to get that pleasure than he does. It sounds like you guys have generally worked out good compromises on the Amount of sex, but it sounds like you also need to talk about the things you Need: to explore different things more than once, for instance.
I agree that if you maneuver yourselves into position, it'd make sense to ask him to touch you the way you want to be touched, no explanation necessary. Maybe if he begins to understand that exploration is one of your needs, he'll enjoy discovering "new" things... some of which may be new only to him, but he doesn't need to know that.
posted by ldthomps at 9:02 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree that if you maneuver yourselves into position, it'd make sense to ask him to touch you the way you want to be touched, no explanation necessary. Maybe if he begins to understand that exploration is one of your needs, he'll enjoy discovering "new" things... some of which may be new only to him, but he doesn't need to know that.
posted by ldthomps at 9:02 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
For god's sake, just say: "My last BF used to do this thing for me, can you please do this for me?"
posted by empath at 9:07 AM on July 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by empath at 9:07 AM on July 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
My usual cover story is "The other day I was watching porn and I saw something I want to try." Unfortunately, this technique is easy to do but hard to describe, so he'd definitely ask to see the porn to understand what I mean. And although I watch a reasonable amount of porn, I've never come across anything similar to this move.
You should contact the mods via the Contact link at the bottom of the page and have them post a description of this fabulous technique. More than likely, someone on the site has seen it used in a porno or photo and boom, you're covered. This is what a hive mind is for!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:13 AM on July 22, 2011 [8 favorites]
You should contact the mods via the Contact link at the bottom of the page and have them post a description of this fabulous technique. More than likely, someone on the site has seen it used in a porno or photo and boom, you're covered. This is what a hive mind is for!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:13 AM on July 22, 2011 [8 favorites]
I totally understand this polite fiction that we've never had another partner before, and/or that this partner we're with right now is the best, most amazing lay we've ever had, and nobody has received better sexing than you receive from this partner.
But that's all it is, polite fiction. In order to make this partner the most awesome partner ever, they need more information. Because awesome partners make the best decisions they can with the information they have.
You don't specifically have to say "Another lover did this for/with/to me, and I really miss it," but it would probably help speed up the process if you were feeling brave enough to do that. Why? Because your partner would know that this is something that you really enjoy, not something you just might enjoy. This is something you are invested in experiencing again.
Also, you should, as Brandon Blatcher suggests, tell a mod what this technique is so that the world may know of it's awesomeness.
posted by bilabial at 9:16 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
But that's all it is, polite fiction. In order to make this partner the most awesome partner ever, they need more information. Because awesome partners make the best decisions they can with the information they have.
You don't specifically have to say "Another lover did this for/with/to me, and I really miss it," but it would probably help speed up the process if you were feeling brave enough to do that. Why? Because your partner would know that this is something that you really enjoy, not something you just might enjoy. This is something you are invested in experiencing again.
Also, you should, as Brandon Blatcher suggests, tell a mod what this technique is so that the world may know of it's awesomeness.
posted by bilabial at 9:16 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I'm not looking to give specific details, primarily because it's hard to describe . . . but also because Aaron is a very active mefite and Ben knows about the site & my membership. Plus, honestly, I don't think it'd be a big thing for most women even though it's AAAA THIIIING for me. Basically it's a different (relatively normal) position, plus a reacharound in a specific way that's amazing, but not obvious. I've done some ridiculous things, but this is definitely not one of them: no prep, props, pets, chandeliers, rafters, donuts, false mustaches, training regimens, etc.posted by mathowie (staff) at 10:55 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ben and I only have PIV sex in one position. When we first got together, we also had sex in a second position (about five times), but that hasn't happened forever. Sadly, neither position is compatible with Aaron's technique. After a year, I don't think we can even try a new position without a conversation, so just rolling over (etc.) isn't likely to work.
Ideally, I'd rather not work up to it really gradually, because we only have sex once every week or two. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but if it's possible, I'd rather avoid spending months "figuring out" what I like.
@lefty lucky cat, I completely agree with you. "Butthurt" wasn't exactly a respectful word choice on my part, but it's how I feel. My "that's why I'm with you!" pep talks haven't done much, and getting over it doesn't seem to be a priority of his. It's not a dealbreaker for me because he doesn't care about numbers (ours are about the same, but he's 5 years older), he doesn't mind if I keep photos, or get lunch with a friendly ex, or mention an ex; he just doesn't like hearing there are things they did better than he does in bed (definitely not how I say it, but how he hears it).
He absolutely doesn't get mad, only sad. I think I just have to treat it as a trigger, and either break up with him, or respect it even though it's illogical. Obviously I'm opting for the latter, since it doesn't affect our daily life or his normal behavior.
It's not really a bravery/shyness thing on my part. I have no problem whipping out a toy and saying "look what I got! This makes me crazy, it's like torture, but good torture!" And he has no problem hearing it, probably because he figures I worked that out on my own. But if he's touching me, I know I should diplomatically say "what if you tried...? Oh, wow!" and not "can you just...? Yeah, thanks!"
@empath, pseudonym fail.
@salvia, that does make me feel better...but the problem he doesn't have ANYTHING I can do in return. I'm always the one turning to him "can we?" "can we?" "can we?"
@Admiral Haddock, you're both funny and smart. "It came to me in a dream!!!" is definitely the front-runner so far./blockquote>
You know, if you do post the thing here, then you can truthfully say "I read about it on AskMeFi." Problem solved. Win for everyone.
posted by CathyG at 10:57 AM on July 22, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 10:57 AM on July 22, 2011 [19 favorites]
WE MUST KNOW.
Also, I'm of half a mind on the positioning yourself in a particular way and waiting for him to notice that it's making you crazy. He may be distracted because he's not used to things going that way and may not notice your ecstasy - or just you waiting for the awesomeness. This depends on what type of person he is, in general. He might feel that he's being tricked into something he's not into, and not being ready in all senses of the word to try something new makes it very difficult to enjoy.
If he prefers to be more direct, then be more direct. Don't suggest what he might enjoy, tell him it's something you enjoy. Say you want to try it with him just once, because you want to enjoy it with him. If he doesn't like it, then he doesn't like it, and you can go back to what you both like. A glass of wine wouldn't hurt, of course.
Don't feel guilty - you don't need to. My guess is that your guy wants to please you, even if his sex drive doesn't quite match yours. If he doesn't know that it's something you've been really wanting to do, then there's no way for him to even consider it.
I think you should give him a chance to cooperate with you fully and know from the beginning that it's something that will you take over the edge in a new way, mostly because it's with him.
And I think you should tell us. MeFi Mail - I promise not to out you!
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 11:01 AM on July 22, 2011
Also, I'm of half a mind on the positioning yourself in a particular way and waiting for him to notice that it's making you crazy. He may be distracted because he's not used to things going that way and may not notice your ecstasy - or just you waiting for the awesomeness. This depends on what type of person he is, in general. He might feel that he's being tricked into something he's not into, and not being ready in all senses of the word to try something new makes it very difficult to enjoy.
If he prefers to be more direct, then be more direct. Don't suggest what he might enjoy, tell him it's something you enjoy. Say you want to try it with him just once, because you want to enjoy it with him. If he doesn't like it, then he doesn't like it, and you can go back to what you both like. A glass of wine wouldn't hurt, of course.
Don't feel guilty - you don't need to. My guess is that your guy wants to please you, even if his sex drive doesn't quite match yours. If he doesn't know that it's something you've been really wanting to do, then there's no way for him to even consider it.
I think you should give him a chance to cooperate with you fully and know from the beginning that it's something that will you take over the edge in a new way, mostly because it's with him.
And I think you should tell us. MeFi Mail - I promise not to out you!
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 11:01 AM on July 22, 2011
You don't specifically have to say "Another lover did this for/with/to me, and I really miss it," but it would probably help speed up the process if you were feeling brave enough to do that. Why? Because your partner would know that this is something that you really enjoy, not something you just might enjoy. This is something you are invested in experiencing again.
Right, honestly I don't see why you have to lie about the fact that you know you like a certain technique. If your ex used to give you back massages, you don't say to your current boyfriend "Todd gave me back massages and that made him an awesome boyfriend, you should try it too!", you just say "Hey I really like back massages, can you give me one?" You don't have to pretend that you've read about back massages in a magazine and want to try it out for the first time.
I feel like there's nothing nice I can do for him sexually
Well it sounds like he just likes one thing, and the nice thing to do would be to do the thing he likes a lot of the time. Which apparently you are already doing (possibly too much because you seem to feel frustrated that you aren't getting enough variety). To use another analogy, it sounds like he just likes beer and pizza, so if you suggest tequila shots and Thai food he's probably not going to be as into it. But on the other hand, someone who is only into beer and pizza has to realize that other types of food exist out there and that they need to branch out a little if their partner likes a little more variety. It sounds like you are already doing a pretty good job of respecting his needs, so I think you should be upfront about your needs and expect him to do the same for you.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:10 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Right, honestly I don't see why you have to lie about the fact that you know you like a certain technique. If your ex used to give you back massages, you don't say to your current boyfriend "Todd gave me back massages and that made him an awesome boyfriend, you should try it too!", you just say "Hey I really like back massages, can you give me one?" You don't have to pretend that you've read about back massages in a magazine and want to try it out for the first time.
I feel like there's nothing nice I can do for him sexually
Well it sounds like he just likes one thing, and the nice thing to do would be to do the thing he likes a lot of the time. Which apparently you are already doing (possibly too much because you seem to feel frustrated that you aren't getting enough variety). To use another analogy, it sounds like he just likes beer and pizza, so if you suggest tequila shots and Thai food he's probably not going to be as into it. But on the other hand, someone who is only into beer and pizza has to realize that other types of food exist out there and that they need to branch out a little if their partner likes a little more variety. It sounds like you are already doing a pretty good job of respecting his needs, so I think you should be upfront about your needs and expect him to do the same for you.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:10 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I too would like to know this mystical technique.
Are you still on friendly terms with Aaron? Ask him how he worked into this amazing technique (not like that, but all "Hey that thing you did that I liked, where did you learn it?"). Maybe it's something simple, like "it was a book Kama Sutra for Kowboys, page 128" or "this movie Mimi does Miami, at the 56 minute mark". Then you pick up the original work, show it to Ben, and BLAMMO!
Maybe Aaron could also help you to put the technique into words.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:23 AM on July 22, 2011
Are you still on friendly terms with Aaron? Ask him how he worked into this amazing technique (not like that, but all "Hey that thing you did that I liked, where did you learn it?"). Maybe it's something simple, like "it was a book Kama Sutra for Kowboys, page 128" or "this movie Mimi does Miami, at the 56 minute mark". Then you pick up the original work, show it to Ben, and BLAMMO!
Maybe Aaron could also help you to put the technique into words.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:23 AM on July 22, 2011
I hate preview.
I have a different idea. If he doesn't like that your ex did something better for you in bed (his view), make it something he can top. I don't know your guy, but maybe making it a challenge, something you can make better (or perfect?) together, might be the best idea. Another option would be to find something completely separate from the ex that could be just as physically exciting, but unique to the two of you. Obviously you can't reinvent the wheel, but there have to be other techniques that might be physically good - or even better - with your current guy.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 11:27 AM on July 22, 2011
I have a different idea. If he doesn't like that your ex did something better for you in bed (his view), make it something he can top. I don't know your guy, but maybe making it a challenge, something you can make better (or perfect?) together, might be the best idea. Another option would be to find something completely separate from the ex that could be just as physically exciting, but unique to the two of you. Obviously you can't reinvent the wheel, but there have to be other techniques that might be physically good - or even better - with your current guy.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 11:27 AM on July 22, 2011
Bonus answer: How do I not feel guilty?
First of all, you shouldn't feel guilty. You aren't a slut, and even if you were, no one is shaming you. It's the 21st century, women can like sex too!
Second, would you feel bad if you wanted to try different restaurants every time you ate out, but he wanted to go to the same Italian place you've been to a hundred times? Don't feel bad about wanting to try new sexy times. No, you would compromise and manage it, just like you do now.
Third, there have to be things that Ben wants but you aren't that into. Maybe he plays COD way too much, or always wants to go to the same Italian place, or leaves wet towels on the floor. If, internally, this is a big deal to you, make yourself a compromise. When he does that thing (plays a video game all night), you can do your thing (ask for different sex position). Don't tell him, and don't make it some game, but use it as a technique to realize that we all do things that our partner isn't really in to, or maybe things our partner really doesn't like, but we tolerate those things because we love that partner. Remind yourself that you love him and tolerate his thing, and he loves you and will tolerate your thing also.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:37 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
First of all, you shouldn't feel guilty. You aren't a slut, and even if you were, no one is shaming you. It's the 21st century, women can like sex too!
Second, would you feel bad if you wanted to try different restaurants every time you ate out, but he wanted to go to the same Italian place you've been to a hundred times? Don't feel bad about wanting to try new sexy times. No, you would compromise and manage it, just like you do now.
Third, there have to be things that Ben wants but you aren't that into. Maybe he plays COD way too much, or always wants to go to the same Italian place, or leaves wet towels on the floor. If, internally, this is a big deal to you, make yourself a compromise. When he does that thing (plays a video game all night), you can do your thing (ask for different sex position). Don't tell him, and don't make it some game, but use it as a technique to realize that we all do things that our partner isn't really in to, or maybe things our partner really doesn't like, but we tolerate those things because we love that partner. Remind yourself that you love him and tolerate his thing, and he loves you and will tolerate your thing also.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:37 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm not looking to give specific details...
Tell him you feel like experimenting. Then get into the position you need to be in, get him where he needs to be and then have at it. While you two are doing it, suggest a couple of things he could do with his free hand. Make the 3rd or 4th one the magic move and then verbally and physically let him know he's found THE SPOT/TECHNIQUE. Afterwards, mention how much like it, tell him he's awesome for helping you find this magic thing and emphasize that both of your hands are free to do whatever he wants them to do.
Alternately, do a Google search for the technique and find photos or porn of it. Then you say you found this interesting position/technique on the web and you want to try it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell him you feel like experimenting. Then get into the position you need to be in, get him where he needs to be and then have at it. While you two are doing it, suggest a couple of things he could do with his free hand. Make the 3rd or 4th one the magic move and then verbally and physically let him know he's found THE SPOT/TECHNIQUE. Afterwards, mention how much like it, tell him he's awesome for helping you find this magic thing and emphasize that both of your hands are free to do whatever he wants them to do.
Alternately, do a Google search for the technique and find photos or porn of it. Then you say you found this interesting position/technique on the web and you want to try it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think for the good of humanity you need to post this technique somewhere!
posted by freakazoid at 11:49 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by freakazoid at 11:49 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
"I have discovered a truly marvelous sexual technique, which this boyfriend is too narrow to contain."
posted by lefty lucky cat at 12:50 PM on July 22, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by lefty lucky cat at 12:50 PM on July 22, 2011 [19 favorites]
I seem to be the only one thinking this, but if Ben doesn't like trying ANYTHING new, which it sounds like, then it doesn't really matter what it is or how you know about he, he won't want to try it. He sounds pretty dull sexually, kind of a "good for now" boyfriend more than anything else.
So hell, you might as well tell him flat out. If it's that specific, you can't fudge it. Yeah, he'll be butthurt, but the dude needs to open his horizons some before you get super bored in this relationship. It sounds like he needs a clue bat on this topic in general because things are getting in a rut.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:57 PM on July 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
So hell, you might as well tell him flat out. If it's that specific, you can't fudge it. Yeah, he'll be butthurt, but the dude needs to open his horizons some before you get super bored in this relationship. It sounds like he needs a clue bat on this topic in general because things are getting in a rut.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:57 PM on July 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
frecklefaerie has the answer way upthread...
you just tell him you want to do x,y, or z...
you don't need to tell him how you know about it.
would Ben care where you learned how to do something that blew HIS mind...
Did you care how Aaron learned this fastastic technique?
If Ben still asks questions just say it was in a romance novel you came across and that you've been wondering for a long time whether that written description was accurate.
posted by calgirl at 2:44 PM on July 22, 2011
you just tell him you want to do x,y, or z...
you don't need to tell him how you know about it.
would Ben care where you learned how to do something that blew HIS mind...
Did you care how Aaron learned this fastastic technique?
If Ben still asks questions just say it was in a romance novel you came across and that you've been wondering for a long time whether that written description was accurate.
posted by calgirl at 2:44 PM on July 22, 2011
If necessary, write it up as well as you can, post it on a blog, so you can say you read it and direct him to it. Then make sure it gets posted here, cause the suspense is kinda killing us.
posted by theora55 at 3:00 PM on July 22, 2011
posted by theora55 at 3:00 PM on July 22, 2011
When I ask if there's anything he wants to do, he just says "no, I'm a dude, I only want that," as if all men only liked one type of stimulation.
This is not acceptable.
It is not acceptable because he is making it all about what he wants. There's what you want, too. And by golly he needs to realise that he'd better do something about what you want, if he wants to take his place in the ranks of mature and considerate lovers.
You would be quite justified in verbally giving him a wake-up slap along the lines of "I'm so happy I know what you want. And I'm going to give it to you, you little slut. Now here's what I want."
posted by Decani at 3:13 PM on July 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is not acceptable.
It is not acceptable because he is making it all about what he wants. There's what you want, too. And by golly he needs to realise that he'd better do something about what you want, if he wants to take his place in the ranks of mature and considerate lovers.
You would be quite justified in verbally giving him a wake-up slap along the lines of "I'm so happy I know what you want. And I'm going to give it to you, you little slut. Now here's what I want."
posted by Decani at 3:13 PM on July 22, 2011 [6 favorites]
I LOVE lefty lucky cat!
That being said: "Hey, Ben! I think I'll lay like this for a bit, and you can just get up like that for a bit, and here, give me your hand."
(This is weird because I have an ex-lover whose real name is Ben and I had to do and say just that sort of thing, because he was rather reluctant to do ANYTHING that might be non-standard).
posted by deep thought sunstar at 6:53 PM on July 22, 2011
That being said: "Hey, Ben! I think I'll lay like this for a bit, and you can just get up like that for a bit, and here, give me your hand."
(This is weird because I have an ex-lover whose real name is Ben and I had to do and say just that sort of thing, because he was rather reluctant to do ANYTHING that might be non-standard).
posted by deep thought sunstar at 6:53 PM on July 22, 2011
Ben and I only have PIV sex in one position. When we first got together, we also had sex in a second position (about five times), but that hasn't happened forever. Sadly, neither position is compatible with Aaron's technique. After a year, I don't think we can even try a new position without a conversation, so just rolling over (etc.) isn't likely to work.
There's your real problem. I wouldn't want to only have sex in one position, and i certainly wouldn't want to have to justify wanting to try something different.
Sex is supposed to be fun! If you can't take the initiative without it becoming a big deal, your sex life is only going to get worse.
Blindfold Ben and have your way with him. Tell him you want to try something completely different, with no explanation. Suggest you try having sex in every position BUT the one you use now.
Really, there's a hundred ways to go about getting what you want here, but if you can't communicate your needs openly to your partner, nothing we advise is going to work.
posted by misha at 6:56 PM on July 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
There's your real problem. I wouldn't want to only have sex in one position, and i certainly wouldn't want to have to justify wanting to try something different.
Sex is supposed to be fun! If you can't take the initiative without it becoming a big deal, your sex life is only going to get worse.
Blindfold Ben and have your way with him. Tell him you want to try something completely different, with no explanation. Suggest you try having sex in every position BUT the one you use now.
Really, there's a hundred ways to go about getting what you want here, but if you can't communicate your needs openly to your partner, nothing we advise is going to work.
posted by misha at 6:56 PM on July 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
Wow, he'll only do one move and makes you feel bad for wanting anything different, but he wants to think he's the best lover you've ever had? I think those are powers of reality-denial and self-delusion that at the very least you should keep a very close eye on, in case they show up in other aspects of his character and behavior.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:26 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Salamandrous at 2:26 PM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
You say that, after a year with sex in Only The One Way, this change would require a conversaion.
So what? Have the conversation. Say, "I was thinking that it would be cool if we tried [position required in order to Do The Thing]." Then try that together and see if you can get to The Part Where It's Feasible To Do The Thing.
Because it sounds like if you and your boyfriend can't change positions without it being A Really Big Fucking Deal that would interfere with the quality of your relationship, maybe you guys just aren't sexually compatible at all.
I mean, what, are you going to have sex in this same position for your whole lives?
posted by Sara C. at 10:24 PM on July 23, 2011
So what? Have the conversation. Say, "I was thinking that it would be cool if we tried [position required in order to Do The Thing]." Then try that together and see if you can get to The Part Where It's Feasible To Do The Thing.
Because it sounds like if you and your boyfriend can't change positions without it being A Really Big Fucking Deal that would interfere with the quality of your relationship, maybe you guys just aren't sexually compatible at all.
I mean, what, are you going to have sex in this same position for your whole lives?
posted by Sara C. at 10:24 PM on July 23, 2011
My God, woman. If it is AAAA THHIINNNGG for you. It will likely be AAAAA THHHINNNGG for some of us other women.
Reading this question, I feel like I am unfairly being denied awesome knowledge of a great sex technique.
Which is true, because really, you're denying your boyfriend the same awesome knowledge!
How about: Think hard and write us a specific description of what this technique is. What position. What the hands are doing. Etc. You can do it.
Then, post here.
Then, print out and hand to your boyfriend when you are just eating dinner or something. Be like, (totally chill), "Maybe we can try that sometime?"
This plan gets you three things:
1) Lots of MeFi love.
2) Sacred knowledge imparted to boyfriend.
3) Happy fun sexy times.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 7:27 PM on July 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
Reading this question, I feel like I am unfairly being denied awesome knowledge of a great sex technique.
Which is true, because really, you're denying your boyfriend the same awesome knowledge!
How about: Think hard and write us a specific description of what this technique is. What position. What the hands are doing. Etc. You can do it.
Then, post here.
Then, print out and hand to your boyfriend when you are just eating dinner or something. Be like, (totally chill), "Maybe we can try that sometime?"
This plan gets you three things:
1) Lots of MeFi love.
2) Sacred knowledge imparted to boyfriend.
3) Happy fun sexy times.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 7:27 PM on July 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
Yeah, please add me to the list of people who wants to know.
It's not the Venus Butterfly, is it?
I've never really been in your boyfriend's shoes, but like him I'd be hurt if my wife talked about a position with a past lover in excessively glowing terms. And at this point I think he'd probably recognize himself in the question now that you've made it clear it's someone who's a relatively active MeFite who is apparently way into only one kind of sex and only wants sex once a week. There can't be *that* many MeFites who fit that description.
So you can't exactly print out this AskMe and say, "Let's try this!"
I think you shot yourself in the foot here. You could have just explicitly described the technique right there in the question, and then printed out the AskMe and said, "Hey, here's this technique that this other girl said is amazing. I want to try it." Instead of going on about the boyfriend's insecurities and reasons why you didn't want to share the technique.
It sounds like you are happy with your BF, so that's good, but I think at this point you have painted yourself into a corner of sexual dissatisfaction. You're going to have to figure out if you can deal with that.
BTW, if you can somehow avoid your BF reading this thread, here's a technique you can try:
"BF, I want to just try this technique. What if you put your xyz here and I put my abc there and you..."
Sounds too crazy to work? Just try it. How do you think people come up with new positions, etc? How do you think your amazing ex-boyfriend came up with it? It's called experimentation and even if your current BF is a stick in the mud he won't object to trying something new if you tell him it's important.
If you must, try this sentence. "Sexual experimentation is important to me. And if I am important to you, you'll want to give me more of what I want sexually."
posted by Deathalicious at 9:41 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's not the Venus Butterfly, is it?
I've never really been in your boyfriend's shoes, but like him I'd be hurt if my wife talked about a position with a past lover in excessively glowing terms. And at this point I think he'd probably recognize himself in the question now that you've made it clear it's someone who's a relatively active MeFite who is apparently way into only one kind of sex and only wants sex once a week. There can't be *that* many MeFites who fit that description.
So you can't exactly print out this AskMe and say, "Let's try this!"
I think you shot yourself in the foot here. You could have just explicitly described the technique right there in the question, and then printed out the AskMe and said, "Hey, here's this technique that this other girl said is amazing. I want to try it." Instead of going on about the boyfriend's insecurities and reasons why you didn't want to share the technique.
It sounds like you are happy with your BF, so that's good, but I think at this point you have painted yourself into a corner of sexual dissatisfaction. You're going to have to figure out if you can deal with that.
BTW, if you can somehow avoid your BF reading this thread, here's a technique you can try:
"BF, I want to just try this technique. What if you put your xyz here and I put my abc there and you..."
Sounds too crazy to work? Just try it. How do you think people come up with new positions, etc? How do you think your amazing ex-boyfriend came up with it? It's called experimentation and even if your current BF is a stick in the mud he won't object to trying something new if you tell him it's important.
If you must, try this sentence. "Sexual experimentation is important to me. And if I am important to you, you'll want to give me more of what I want sexually."
posted by Deathalicious at 9:41 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cover all your bases in one move: Tell him you broke up with your previous boyfriend because he *wouldn't* do it.
posted by Alaska Jack at 2:30 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Alaska Jack at 2:30 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
As for how to explain the technique, I don't know. Since you didn't describe it well here, you may just have to walk him through the steps which could be fun in itself.
Finally, remember you have a right to pleasure. Speak up now or forever hold your peace.
posted by inturnaround at 7:44 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]