My boyfriend cancels so often on our dates, and we haven't had sex even though we have been together for half a year, which makes me think he could have a sexual problem or is afraid of getting close to me. Details inside.
posted by palomago to Human Relations (59 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I (f, 26) have been seeing someone (m, 30) for half a year, and I love him. Nobody has made me feel this way before. I will say the things I like about him first because it is not all bad, a lot of it is amazing:
-He puts in a lot of effort on our dates, and plans really well so we always have a fun time, going to nice restaurants or to special events, and he enjoys taking me around the city as I just moved here recently.
-He loves to help me, for example he gave me plates and cutlery when I moved house, and drove me around when my car broke down.
-He is affectionate and hugs me and holds my hand.
-He can tell when I am upset and isn't afraid of my emotions, and will listen.
-When I was upset because he can be forgetful, he came up with a solution to write a reminder on his phone so he would remember, and this has helped a lot. Whenever I am upset about something regarding work he will always try to help by offering a solution or by listening.
-I've had some of my best moments this year with him and he has said that nobody compares to me and that i have helped him.
-He is a very closed person but has opened up to me, and told me things about his childhood that nobody else knows about.
-He is making plans for next year involving me, which shows that he does care about me and wants me in his life.
-We connect and i feel comfortable around him, we are always laughing and talking.
The list could go on but now I'll mention the things that upset me, some of which i've spoken about with him but some more insight would be helpful:
-At the beginning of our dates he is quite self conscious and also loves to talk about himself and doesn't ask me many questions, so for example when I said I was writing a book he automatically said he wrote a book once about himself, instead of showing interest in what i write. He has never read anything I've written even though it is my passion. He said he wanted to read my things but when I offered to show him, he sort of changed conversation and didn't acknowledge it. After a while on our dates he becomes more comfortable and more interested in me. (I haven't spoken about this with him)
-I know all about his friends but have never met them. I saw him a couple of days ago and spoke to him about meeting his friends and he said it will happen very soon but that he is just annoyed with them because they are still into doing drugs and he isn't, and all they want to do is party.
-He spends a lot of time alone or with his grandmother, and doesn't see his friends anymore except maybe once a month or less, cancels on them all the time, and also cancels on me. So we see each other every 10 days, but I want to see him more often. He definitely doesn't have a girlfriend or wife, he told me he has been feeling depressed and feels like he is getting old, but he is getting help for it. When I make plans for us he will say yes, and then cancel last minute. But when he makes plans I always say yes and then feel like i am being too 'easy' because I never cancel, but I feel like if i did cancel then it would be a month before we saw each other again. Also i feel like he cancels sometimes because he is afraid we are getting too close, and that eventually it means we will have to sleep together which scares him.
-We have not slept together!! It's been half a year, and he hasn't even tried to have sex with me. A couple of months ago he brought it up and and said he needs to be in love first. So when i saw him last time a couple of days ago, I said I need to sleep with him and feel close to him, and he said we should start having sex now, just that he isn't a very sexual person but that he would like to sleep with me. I have never heard of this situation where the guy has not shown interest in sleeping with his girlfriend of 6 months. He always tells me i am attractive, and I know I am not ugly and have a few men who are interested in me, so it isn't because of that. He has had sex before and is not a virgin, and isn't waiting until marriage.
-I managed to find literally hundreds of old pictures of him that are public on his friends facebooks, and i was very surprised... He seems a bit homosexual in the photos, by looking at his body language and how close he is to his male friends, to one of them in particular. I was surprised because he doesn't act like this at all with me and is actually quite dominant, but it isn't like you can change your whole personality in a couple of years right? In no photos is he with a female, except for a couple of them where he is with his ex gf. In these photos he is barely looking at her and seems quite cold even.
-All his girlfriends have been long distance which also shows me he has difficulty getting emotionally close to somebody, even though we are a lot closer now than we were at the start, which shows me he is willing to connect with me even though he struggles to open up. But after seeing these photos, I've started to fear that he was dating them as a way to show he isn't gay, but also doesn't have to see them often because they were so far away. And now that he has met me he is finding it difficult because he cares about me but doesn't sleep with me. I have no idea how to tell him this at all, and I could be overreacting completely.
-He says he is used to the woman pursuing him and that is why he is very slow in advancing the relationship even though he is quite dominant. He thinks i don't need him even though i always tell him i miss him. I wish i could show him i love him, when i text him first he takes hours or a day to text back so I've given up on that, it's as if he talks to me and sees me only when he feels like it.
My questions are:
-Does he have narcissistic traits? My grandmother has met him once (by accident, she needed to give me something while we were out, and wanted to see him briefly) and said he is very charming but thinks he may be very self-centered or narcissistic.
Could he be bisexual or gay (I feel very judgemental for asking, but the photos made me think this), and this is why we haven't slept together yet, or could he have a sexual problem?
Or could he have severe emotional distance issues, and as he is working on them, I should give him a chance?
Am I too available for him, and therefore not a 'challenge' because I am always willing to go out with him?
I feel like he does care for me, but I am just not sure how much. If he doesn't care then why does he still see me after all this time? I ended it once after he cancelled and we didn't see each other for a month but he came back apologising and after that he became a lot more open and communicative, but he still cancels sometimes. I have spoken to him about a lot of these things, and regarding the cancelling he always has a valid excuse such as he got sick or just too much work at the office, but I have't spoken to him about if he may be bisexual or about him always talking about himself, because I feel like that is quite mean and judgemental and I don't know how to talk to him about it. The past couple of dates he has been a lot more affectionate and warm towards me and I don't want to break up with him, I feel very attached to him and I just want to understand why he is like this, and i want to accept him but to do this i need to understand him. I feel like this could of been at least two separate questions, but i want to show the whole picture to avoid threadsitting. Any advice or tips are much appreciated, thanks!