Reluctant Barbie Girl
April 22, 2011 1:49 PM Subscribe
How can I explain to my boyfriend that some of the fantasies he has about me are hurting my self esteem (and our relationship)?
posted by patronuscharms to human relations (62 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I am new to the serious relationship scene, and am nearing the 3 month mark with my long-distance, first steady boyfriend, who is also my first real sexual partner. Lately I've noticed that whenever we're relating fantasies to one another, whether it's through text or in person, my guy has some very specific visions about how I should look and how I should be "groomed".
The first time he related a fantasy to me that involved me being completely hair free down there, for example, I was upset, told him so, and we had a good discussion about it. Now, though, other little "requests" pop up here and there, and they've left the bedroom and made it into real life. I enjoy having a bf who isn't afraid to speak his mind and be assertive, but some of these requests for certain clothes or looks are expensive, painful and hard to maintain. He even cups my breasts sometimes during sex and pushes them up because they look better that way (and that really hurts because I have been fighting with myself over whether or not I should have surgery to lift my chest back up to where it used to be for years). In every way my boyfriend tells me he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and that he loves me for who I am and always will. How, then, can I get him to stop treating me like I'm some kind of fantasy girl even if, in his eyes, that's exactly what I am? Sometimes a request turns me on -- most of the time it hurts me and makes me question the mixed messages I'm getting.
I am not afraid to discuss this with him, by the way. He is extremely conscientious normally; i just think he's not realizing how insensitive he is, and I just don't know how to tell him this AGAIN without damaging our sex life. I just want to feel like he really likes me for what I look like NOW, not what I could look like if I did x, y, or z.