Will my libido return when I stop breastfeeding?
July 22, 2011 7:34 AM Subscribe
My sex drive has completely vanished. Is it because I'm breastfeeding? If it's because I'm breastfeeding, will my libido return when my baby eventually weans?
I am a healthy early-30s woman. I have a baby (one year old) who still breastfeeds. Before having a baby, I had a fairly active sex drive. Even when I occasionally wasn't in the mood when my spouse was, I could become aroused without much effort.
Post-baby, I have essentially no sex drive. I never think about sex. I never masturbate. I have almost no desire for my spouse. I actually think my drive has decreased over time: I was sometimes slightly interested in sex in the first six months after having our baby and didn't mind having sex when my spouse wanted to. But now I have zero interest. I don't remember why people have sex. It's not fun. I really try to have sex when my spouse wants to, but at best it's a somewhat uncomfortable activity. At worst I feel creeped out, like I'm being molested by unwanted sexual touch. (I feel awful even typing that.) And I have started to dread kissing.
My spouse is a wonderful person who I love deeply. I don't think my lack of libido has anything to do with our relationship, which is good, supportive, and loving. I don't think it's because I'm exhausted (I'm not, my baby sleeps beautifully) or because I don't have time to myself or because I'm subconsciously angry or upset about my poochy mom stomach, etc. I am very healthy/not on any medication (except for a hormonal IUD, but my lack of drive was exactly the same before getting it recently).
What could be causing this? The only thing I can think is breastfeeding, because I know that hormones involved with breastfeeding can dampen your libido.
Is this possible? My baby doesn't nurse that often these days (but we're not ready to wean, thank you!), could the hormones still be killing my desire? Will my libido come back after my baby weans? Is there anything I can do to support a healthier sex drive in the meantime?
Thanks so much for your advice, I'm at my wits' end with this.
I am a healthy early-30s woman. I have a baby (one year old) who still breastfeeds. Before having a baby, I had a fairly active sex drive. Even when I occasionally wasn't in the mood when my spouse was, I could become aroused without much effort.
Post-baby, I have essentially no sex drive. I never think about sex. I never masturbate. I have almost no desire for my spouse. I actually think my drive has decreased over time: I was sometimes slightly interested in sex in the first six months after having our baby and didn't mind having sex when my spouse wanted to. But now I have zero interest. I don't remember why people have sex. It's not fun. I really try to have sex when my spouse wants to, but at best it's a somewhat uncomfortable activity. At worst I feel creeped out, like I'm being molested by unwanted sexual touch. (I feel awful even typing that.) And I have started to dread kissing.
My spouse is a wonderful person who I love deeply. I don't think my lack of libido has anything to do with our relationship, which is good, supportive, and loving. I don't think it's because I'm exhausted (I'm not, my baby sleeps beautifully) or because I don't have time to myself or because I'm subconsciously angry or upset about my poochy mom stomach, etc. I am very healthy/not on any medication (except for a hormonal IUD, but my lack of drive was exactly the same before getting it recently).
What could be causing this? The only thing I can think is breastfeeding, because I know that hormones involved with breastfeeding can dampen your libido.
Is this possible? My baby doesn't nurse that often these days (but we're not ready to wean, thank you!), could the hormones still be killing my desire? Will my libido come back after my baby weans? Is there anything I can do to support a healthier sex drive in the meantime?
Thanks so much for your advice, I'm at my wits' end with this.
The answer to the first two questions is "Maybe."
The third has spawned an entire industry.
posted by valkyryn at 7:36 AM on July 22, 2011
The third has spawned an entire industry.
posted by valkyryn at 7:36 AM on July 22, 2011
Breastfeeding could certainly be playing a part, but another big part could be that you've got a baby who demands (rightfully) your presence and who probably wants as much physical contact from you as he/she can get! I remember the last thing I wanted to do after having a baby hanging on me all day was to have sex.
Are you getting any non-baby time, aside from working outside the home if you do? Maybe a few lingering date nights with your spouse would help to rekindle some romance.
posted by cooker girl at 7:39 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Are you getting any non-baby time, aside from working outside the home if you do? Maybe a few lingering date nights with your spouse would help to rekindle some romance.
posted by cooker girl at 7:39 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've written this before, but YES the hormones are still there even if you're not BFing full time.
But also a few changes have happened:
- your body has now been a baby making/feeding machine for nearly 2 years, physically and emotionally it is hard to think of it as yours and that it does anything else
- you are way busier now than you used to be
- sleep is precious
- you're so physical with baby all the time, being touched all the time gets tiring!
Someone asked this less than a month ago and there was a debate about "doing it for the team" -- pretending to be more sexual as a favor to your partner. Was an interesting and heated discussion.
posted by k8t at 7:45 AM on July 22, 2011
But also a few changes have happened:
- your body has now been a baby making/feeding machine for nearly 2 years, physically and emotionally it is hard to think of it as yours and that it does anything else
- you are way busier now than you used to be
- sleep is precious
- you're so physical with baby all the time, being touched all the time gets tiring!
Someone asked this less than a month ago and there was a debate about "doing it for the team" -- pretending to be more sexual as a favor to your partner. Was an interesting and heated discussion.
posted by k8t at 7:45 AM on July 22, 2011
could the hormones still be killing my desire? Will my libido come back after my baby weans? Is there anything I can do to support a healthier sex drive in the meantime?
Yes; It seems likely; Maybe.
At one year while still breastfeeding I just was. not. interested. As long as you're still breastfeeding, the hormones are still in action and you'll probably stay that that breastfeeding libido level. For many women, that level is very, very low.
It's possible there's something else going on, but if it is just breastfeeding, then yes, you'll probably get your libido back when you wean. A couple weeks after weaning I was like, "WHEEEEEEE!"
Personally I couldn't find anything, other than weaning, that increased my libido while breastfeeding, but YMMV. You also don't realize, because you've been doing it so long, what a drain breastfeeding is on your body ... I felt like I had a normal level of energy, but when I weaned, I suddenly felt much brighter and more energetic as a general thing. So possibly taking care of your energy levels could help, but I don't know how possible it is to "overcome" the drain of breastfeeding. (Or, if possible, how practical.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:56 AM on July 22, 2011
Yes; It seems likely; Maybe.
At one year while still breastfeeding I just was. not. interested. As long as you're still breastfeeding, the hormones are still in action and you'll probably stay that that breastfeeding libido level. For many women, that level is very, very low.
It's possible there's something else going on, but if it is just breastfeeding, then yes, you'll probably get your libido back when you wean. A couple weeks after weaning I was like, "WHEEEEEEE!"
Personally I couldn't find anything, other than weaning, that increased my libido while breastfeeding, but YMMV. You also don't realize, because you've been doing it so long, what a drain breastfeeding is on your body ... I felt like I had a normal level of energy, but when I weaned, I suddenly felt much brighter and more energetic as a general thing. So possibly taking care of your energy levels could help, but I don't know how possible it is to "overcome" the drain of breastfeeding. (Or, if possible, how practical.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:56 AM on July 22, 2011
My libido was completely gone for an extended period. It came back, and I'm nursing while typing this, so there is hope as far as that goes...
posted by kmennie at 8:30 AM on July 22, 2011
posted by kmennie at 8:30 AM on July 22, 2011
Just another vote for yes, breastfeeding killed my libido, as well as babies and/or toddlers climbing all over me all day. When Mr. Molasses approached, I really couldn't stand the thought of being touched by YET ANOTHER HUMAN. Also, it was hard for me to get in the mood, when I was mentally geared that 5 minutes from now the baby WILL wake up and need food/drink/diaper/entertainment/whatever. Things got a little better when I stopped breastfeeding. I figure they will get really good when the youngest goes off to college. Hah!
I found that certain times of the month it is slightly less difficult to get turned on. For me, when I am ovulating. If I kept track of that, and made a bit of effort that time of month, it was easier to get in the mood, and for my husband to "get lucky". I don't know what a IUD would do to that. Also, I found that certain times of the day were better than others. Unfortunately, for me, a nooner sometimes sounded somewhat interesting, but Mr. Molasses was generally at work so that was no help. Bedtime, for me, was a REALLY bad time for him to approach me and get anything other than a growl and a whimper. So perhaps you should listen to your body for a bit and consider a different time of day.
posted by molasses at 8:53 AM on July 22, 2011
I found that certain times of the month it is slightly less difficult to get turned on. For me, when I am ovulating. If I kept track of that, and made a bit of effort that time of month, it was easier to get in the mood, and for my husband to "get lucky". I don't know what a IUD would do to that. Also, I found that certain times of the day were better than others. Unfortunately, for me, a nooner sometimes sounded somewhat interesting, but Mr. Molasses was generally at work so that was no help. Bedtime, for me, was a REALLY bad time for him to approach me and get anything other than a growl and a whimper. So perhaps you should listen to your body for a bit and consider a different time of day.
posted by molasses at 8:53 AM on July 22, 2011
Has your period come back? Despite nursing exclusively for the first six months (and still nursing frequently between meals now at 9 months), mine came back when the baby was 10 weeks old and has been back every 4 weeks like clockwork. My drive is greatly increased when I'm ovulating. If your cycle is still MIA, I'd say it's highly likely hormones are affecting your sex drive.
posted by chiababe at 9:43 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by chiababe at 9:43 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
What killed our sex drive when my partner was breast-feeding in the initial period after the birth was just being so tired all the time. Once things settled down a bit we had a perfectly satisfactory sex life despite the fact that my partner breastfed both our kids until they were at least 2 years old.
I suspect this is one of those things where everyone is different & there is no "right answer".
posted by pharm at 10:09 AM on July 22, 2011
I suspect this is one of those things where everyone is different & there is no "right answer".
posted by pharm at 10:09 AM on July 22, 2011
Hormones can do a number on you for sure! So I think it's quite likely the breastfeeding has something to do with it. (And once you wean, or get your periods back, the hormones shift again and can change things around on you once more. Periods are really different for me now than they were before I had kids - I don't remember being so, well, "hormonal" before, but now I am.)
And I think sex itself is in large part a mental thing - if you can't be in that space mentally, your body isn't going to be there physically. You're essentially out of practice if you haven't felt those feelings in a long time. Being out of practice will make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, and make it worse. And I bet you're also remembering the "pushing yourself to do it when you didn't really feel into it" more strongly than the "oh yeah I am into this" you used to feel, because it's more recent, and negative feelings make a stronger impression on us than the positive ones all too often.
If you dread kissing, are you dreading it because you feel like "oh here we go, this is going to lead to sex probably" or lead to you feeling like you should go ahead and have sex even if you don't want to? Are you dreading it because it brings on guilty feelings like "everything is great between us so why can't I feel into this?" and "my poor spouse, I really have to step it up for his sake" sort of thing? Then you're not going to feel mentally into it, you've built up an adverse reaction right there.
I'm not really on the side of "fake it 'til you make it"; maybe it would work better for you to take the pressure off somehow, to allow yourself the space to have a low libido and have that be okay - to have kissing not be loaded with all this extra meaning, if it is?
I do think it's hard to accept the changes we go through in pregnancy and childbirth and becoming a parent - I don't think that's just as simple as our changing bodies, it's also our changing roles, our changing ways of relating to each other and to our children... I think we have this idea in general that we're adults so we're already fully formed, DONE. But once through *any* major life transition, I think you have to take stock and determine what "the new normal" is. Our selves are not static beings, nor should they be; we change, and we adapt to change, and we should adapt to change.
Life is just not going to be the same as it was before having kids, so judging ourselves by what we used to be isn't helpful. Maybe it would help to truly accept that your libido isn't what it was, for now; it just isn't, no matter the reason, and that's the new normal and that's okay - work with that. If you're not evaluating yourself against a former norm, that could help take the pressure off to live up to it. If you have space in your relationship to let things be what they are, and kisses be simply kisses with no added meaning, and sex only happen when you think you feel a bit of spark - then you can live in the new norm pretty securely. It will all change again soon enough, anyway.
posted by flex at 1:53 PM on July 22, 2011
And I think sex itself is in large part a mental thing - if you can't be in that space mentally, your body isn't going to be there physically. You're essentially out of practice if you haven't felt those feelings in a long time. Being out of practice will make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, and make it worse. And I bet you're also remembering the "pushing yourself to do it when you didn't really feel into it" more strongly than the "oh yeah I am into this" you used to feel, because it's more recent, and negative feelings make a stronger impression on us than the positive ones all too often.
If you dread kissing, are you dreading it because you feel like "oh here we go, this is going to lead to sex probably" or lead to you feeling like you should go ahead and have sex even if you don't want to? Are you dreading it because it brings on guilty feelings like "everything is great between us so why can't I feel into this?" and "my poor spouse, I really have to step it up for his sake" sort of thing? Then you're not going to feel mentally into it, you've built up an adverse reaction right there.
I'm not really on the side of "fake it 'til you make it"; maybe it would work better for you to take the pressure off somehow, to allow yourself the space to have a low libido and have that be okay - to have kissing not be loaded with all this extra meaning, if it is?
I do think it's hard to accept the changes we go through in pregnancy and childbirth and becoming a parent - I don't think that's just as simple as our changing bodies, it's also our changing roles, our changing ways of relating to each other and to our children... I think we have this idea in general that we're adults so we're already fully formed, DONE. But once through *any* major life transition, I think you have to take stock and determine what "the new normal" is. Our selves are not static beings, nor should they be; we change, and we adapt to change, and we should adapt to change.
Life is just not going to be the same as it was before having kids, so judging ourselves by what we used to be isn't helpful. Maybe it would help to truly accept that your libido isn't what it was, for now; it just isn't, no matter the reason, and that's the new normal and that's okay - work with that. If you're not evaluating yourself against a former norm, that could help take the pressure off to live up to it. If you have space in your relationship to let things be what they are, and kisses be simply kisses with no added meaning, and sex only happen when you think you feel a bit of spark - then you can live in the new norm pretty securely. It will all change again soon enough, anyway.
posted by flex at 1:53 PM on July 22, 2011
Possibly you are "touched out" from nursing and holding the baby. You might feel like you want to slap the next person who puts their hands on you. Don't worry, this is normal and will go away as the baby becomes more independent and nurses less.
posted by Knowyournuts at 2:29 PM on July 22, 2011
posted by Knowyournuts at 2:29 PM on July 22, 2011
When you're breastfeeding, your body produces a chemical called prolactin. Each time you nurse, your prolactin levels jump to 10X normal concentrations, and they take 2-3 hours to go back down.
What prolactin does:
--it suppresses ovulation, which will reduce libido
--it decreases testosterone (ditto)
--it is released when you have an orgasm, possibly as a kind of "arousal brake"
Also, you're getting a big oxytocin boost every time you nurse, which is very satisfying. The doctor/writer Louann Brizendine says that mother rats, when given the choice to push a bar and get cocaine or press a bar and get to nurse their pups, chose to nurse their pups every time.
posted by hungrytiger at 2:39 PM on July 22, 2011
What prolactin does:
--it suppresses ovulation, which will reduce libido
--it decreases testosterone (ditto)
--it is released when you have an orgasm, possibly as a kind of "arousal brake"
Also, you're getting a big oxytocin boost every time you nurse, which is very satisfying. The doctor/writer Louann Brizendine says that mother rats, when given the choice to push a bar and get cocaine or press a bar and get to nurse their pups, chose to nurse their pups every time.
posted by hungrytiger at 2:39 PM on July 22, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by crazycanuck at 7:36 AM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]