How do I move past hurt caused by a former friend?
July 17, 2011 7:12 PM Subscribe
How do I move past hurt caused by a former friend?
A very close friend of many years went full-on neurotic at me over a sustained period of time. This was not the first time, but it was by far the worst, and included aspects that I'd never seen before. When she didn't return to clarity after two months, I broke off the friendship. (I'm not sure if I need to go in detail here, but I will if asked. For now I'll just say that what she said and did was hurtful and disturbing.)
She's been blogging about me for several months on two blogs*, at least one of which is known by a few of my acquaintances and friends, and even my sister-in-law. What she says does not reflect the reality of what happened, and paints me in an extremely unflattering light. She's intelligent, and comes across in her writing there as reasoned and composed. The disconnect is surreal. Nobody has said a word to me, and I tell myself I can have faith that they will judge me by my own actions, but my self-esteem was never very high and it's taken a deep hit.
I've known this person for most of my adult life. This was somebody I loved, who I perceived as having wisdom and clarity. Reminders are everywhere. I feel bitter at what I see as a deep betrayal. I feel angry at myself for my lack of judgment, for having brushed off things I shouldn't have, for not recognizing red flags, for making excuses for her to others for years and thinking her hostility and negativity would never be turned against me. I feel angry at myself for the years of self-deprecation, of lowering myself in the eyes of my friends (oh, the irony). I feel unreasonable doubt about what my sane, wonderful friends - and sometimes even my husband - think and feel about me.
I have not directly engaged with her since I broke off the friendship, but I'm carrying it around with me all the time, and it's spilling over into everything during a particularly stressful time. This is ridiculous. Please, if somebody hurt or betrayed you, how did you let it go?
Pertinent details: we now live in different states. She's not much in contact with our circle of friends, but she is in limited contact with my (very sweet) sister-in-law, who I rarely get to see.
I'm already in therapy, just seeking supplemental help here. This happened just as I was standing on newborn, wobbly, finally-accepting-myself legs.
*Yes, I realize step 1 should be to stop reading the damn RSS already. I did for a long while, and it didn't help. Maybe it needed more time.
A very close friend of many years went full-on neurotic at me over a sustained period of time. This was not the first time, but it was by far the worst, and included aspects that I'd never seen before. When she didn't return to clarity after two months, I broke off the friendship. (I'm not sure if I need to go in detail here, but I will if asked. For now I'll just say that what she said and did was hurtful and disturbing.)
She's been blogging about me for several months on two blogs*, at least one of which is known by a few of my acquaintances and friends, and even my sister-in-law. What she says does not reflect the reality of what happened, and paints me in an extremely unflattering light. She's intelligent, and comes across in her writing there as reasoned and composed. The disconnect is surreal. Nobody has said a word to me, and I tell myself I can have faith that they will judge me by my own actions, but my self-esteem was never very high and it's taken a deep hit.
I've known this person for most of my adult life. This was somebody I loved, who I perceived as having wisdom and clarity. Reminders are everywhere. I feel bitter at what I see as a deep betrayal. I feel angry at myself for my lack of judgment, for having brushed off things I shouldn't have, for not recognizing red flags, for making excuses for her to others for years and thinking her hostility and negativity would never be turned against me. I feel angry at myself for the years of self-deprecation, of lowering myself in the eyes of my friends (oh, the irony). I feel unreasonable doubt about what my sane, wonderful friends - and sometimes even my husband - think and feel about me.
I have not directly engaged with her since I broke off the friendship, but I'm carrying it around with me all the time, and it's spilling over into everything during a particularly stressful time. This is ridiculous. Please, if somebody hurt or betrayed you, how did you let it go?
Pertinent details: we now live in different states. She's not much in contact with our circle of friends, but she is in limited contact with my (very sweet) sister-in-law, who I rarely get to see.
I'm already in therapy, just seeking supplemental help here. This happened just as I was standing on newborn, wobbly, finally-accepting-myself legs.
*Yes, I realize step 1 should be to stop reading the damn RSS already. I did for a long while, and it didn't help. Maybe it needed more time.
Response by poster: Sorry, yes, real issues, though before this I'd never seen her disconnect from reality. I'm not using "neurotic" casually.
posted by moira at 7:25 PM on July 17, 2011
posted by moira at 7:25 PM on July 17, 2011
Response by poster: (If it helps, my therapist suspects she's BPD.)
posted by moira at 7:33 PM on July 17, 2011
posted by moira at 7:33 PM on July 17, 2011
Best answer: Seriously, stop reading the damn RSS already. It just picks at the cut, preventing it from healing. One of the steps of moving on is to MOVE ON. You have to leave that crap behind and get on with the process of grieving for the lost friendship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In terms of shrugging off the hurt and feeling betrayed, I would treat it like a romantic breakup in which you feel wronged. So, go back to not reading her blogs, and if that doesn't help, keep not reading the blogs.
You know, you misjudged someone and you got hurt. It happens. Forgive yourself, give yourself time, and try to find other things to occupy your mind.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:44 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
You know, you misjudged someone and you got hurt. It happens. Forgive yourself, give yourself time, and try to find other things to occupy your mind.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:44 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: May I recommend a modified variety of this advice?
Cut off all contact with the person you are longer able to have a functioning relationship with. Avoid. Defer. Deter. Just do it.
Each time said person runs across your mind, try to envision them (yes, them) in light, in happiness, in harmony, but moving away from you. If it helps, actually get yourself in a place where you can pictyre them on a boat, on a plane, in a car, just so the imagery begins to solidify and imprints itself on your mind.
Mentally wave this person off and say, "Thank you for the good times we had. I wish you well, I wish you happiness, and I wish you away from me. There is nothing left to say that will heal me, there is nothing left to do that will fix me. All I ask is that you go, and go peacefully."
Take time to honor your feelings, and your anger. I like screaming into a pillow. YMMV.
Keep breathing. Imagine that you are gently wresting your fingers from around their wrists and theirs 'round yours, and that you are letting them go. Keep breathing.
Focus on other things, like how awesome you are and how petty little twerps like the creep you're fondly waving goodbye to are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:47 PM on July 17, 2011 [33 favorites]
Cut off all contact with the person you are longer able to have a functioning relationship with. Avoid. Defer. Deter. Just do it.
Each time said person runs across your mind, try to envision them (yes, them) in light, in happiness, in harmony, but moving away from you. If it helps, actually get yourself in a place where you can pictyre them on a boat, on a plane, in a car, just so the imagery begins to solidify and imprints itself on your mind.
Mentally wave this person off and say, "Thank you for the good times we had. I wish you well, I wish you happiness, and I wish you away from me. There is nothing left to say that will heal me, there is nothing left to do that will fix me. All I ask is that you go, and go peacefully."
Take time to honor your feelings, and your anger. I like screaming into a pillow. YMMV.
Keep breathing. Imagine that you are gently wresting your fingers from around their wrists and theirs 'round yours, and that you are letting them go. Keep breathing.
Focus on other things, like how awesome you are and how petty little twerps like the creep you're fondly waving goodbye to are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:47 PM on July 17, 2011 [33 favorites]
Best answer: I would treat it like a romantic breakup in which you feel wronged. So, go back to not reading her blogs, and if that doesn't help, keep not reading the blogs.
Yes, also keep off her Facebook and anywhere else on line, delete her phone number, box up anything that reminds you of her -- the comparison to a romantic breakup is a good one, I feel. These things can hurt in the same way.
posted by sweetkid at 7:47 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, also keep off her Facebook and anywhere else on line, delete her phone number, box up anything that reminds you of her -- the comparison to a romantic breakup is a good one, I feel. These things can hurt in the same way.
posted by sweetkid at 7:47 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cut all ties with that person. Take the high road, as much as you can with mutual connections. Those around you, close to you that know you will stick by you. I am not sure what age group it is, but if you're old enough to type, you're old enough to know to confront your feelings with the person, instead of taking the low road by putting the stories online. Do not spend time reading it, if someone wants to deliver what they've read to you, make sure you tell them that you do not want to hear about it as you do not want anything to do with that person. There are enough people in the world for you to deal with those that get in your happiness.
posted by icollectpurses at 8:18 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by icollectpurses at 8:18 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I thought of another tactic. I haven't had this specific thing happen, but I've had moments when I've pulled away from friendships because I didn't think they were healthy for me. Think of being your "own parent." Think of yourself as though you're outside yourself, thinking about the welfare of someone else you care about. Say something to yourself like, "I don't want you hanging around this person. It's not good for you. I don't want you reading the RSS. It' just upsetting. You're not allowed to do this anymore."
Somehow, distancing myself in this way has helped me in the past.
posted by sweetkid at 8:21 PM on July 17, 2011 [9 favorites]
Somehow, distancing myself in this way has helped me in the past.
posted by sweetkid at 8:21 PM on July 17, 2011 [9 favorites]
Oh, I symphasize.
I'm going to out myself--I've had a similar experience, detailed here. What I didn't mention well in that particular question was that despite my ex-friend and I having opposite theological values, we were genuinely good friends for most of it--double dates, weekly outings, long chats until 5 am, yadda yadda. So when she dumped me out of the blue, it hurt. It's been half a year and it still stings, I still think about her, I still watch her Facebook. Some days I entertain the thoughts of walking into one of those hangouts we used to go to (which I don't anymore) and just see the expression on her face when she sees me, and I don't know if I want to do it to hurt her or to see if we have a chance to reconcile. (I haven't done it. But it's tempting.)
The thing that helped me the most was finally accepting that we are not good for each other. In your case, she makes you feel bad about yourself, slags you in public and presumably to others. That is not respectful behaviour you'd want from a friend, ergo, she is not suitable as a friend right now. Presumably, something about you makes her angry or defensive and she can't just accept you for your differences. You can't and shouldn't accept that from her, either.
But not being compatible now doesn't mean she was lying then, when the friendship was actually good. Painting it in absolutes points towards blame, in your "lack of judgement"; reframe it as "we were good then, but we're not suited for each other anymore" or something not so black-and-white paints everything in a healthier light and less loathing to yourself. You're not good for each other now, and that's why things have to end. Remind yourself of that, every time you think of her. Let yourself be angry and bitter, but set a time limit, and forcibly think/do something else afterwards. Shorten that time limit over the next weeks/months. Wave her goodbye, mentally.
It's hard, I know. In some ways, I'm still bitter about my own experience, and I haven't stopped looking at her Facebook and all that (even though like all the wise MeFites say above, I should. And so should you). But she will judge you by her own reality, and you will judge her by yours. And they don't necessarily see the same things. All you are responsible now is to act as best as you can during the fallout, and let everyone else judge the both of you by their own realities.
It gets easier the less you read about her online, the less talk about her to others (after an initial venting period), the more you disentangle her life from yours. It still hurts. But it hurts a little less day by day, armed with the certainty that, at least for now, I am better off without my ex-friend. And you are better off without yours.
Also: regardless of what anyone thinks about you, whether it be your husband, your friends, your mom...you are the one who's always there with you, 24/7/365. Your husband and friends and support system can't be with you every second of every day, but you can. You're your own biggest support. So take care of yourself, love yourself, be gentle with yourself in this very trying time, and accept that you are not foolish or undeserving of the love and friendship from the other people in your life because this friendship ended.
Best of luck.
posted by Hakaisha at 8:28 PM on July 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm going to out myself--I've had a similar experience, detailed here. What I didn't mention well in that particular question was that despite my ex-friend and I having opposite theological values, we were genuinely good friends for most of it--double dates, weekly outings, long chats until 5 am, yadda yadda. So when she dumped me out of the blue, it hurt. It's been half a year and it still stings, I still think about her, I still watch her Facebook. Some days I entertain the thoughts of walking into one of those hangouts we used to go to (which I don't anymore) and just see the expression on her face when she sees me, and I don't know if I want to do it to hurt her or to see if we have a chance to reconcile. (I haven't done it. But it's tempting.)
The thing that helped me the most was finally accepting that we are not good for each other. In your case, she makes you feel bad about yourself, slags you in public and presumably to others. That is not respectful behaviour you'd want from a friend, ergo, she is not suitable as a friend right now. Presumably, something about you makes her angry or defensive and she can't just accept you for your differences. You can't and shouldn't accept that from her, either.
But not being compatible now doesn't mean she was lying then, when the friendship was actually good. Painting it in absolutes points towards blame, in your "lack of judgement"; reframe it as "we were good then, but we're not suited for each other anymore" or something not so black-and-white paints everything in a healthier light and less loathing to yourself. You're not good for each other now, and that's why things have to end. Remind yourself of that, every time you think of her. Let yourself be angry and bitter, but set a time limit, and forcibly think/do something else afterwards. Shorten that time limit over the next weeks/months. Wave her goodbye, mentally.
It's hard, I know. In some ways, I'm still bitter about my own experience, and I haven't stopped looking at her Facebook and all that (even though like all the wise MeFites say above, I should. And so should you). But she will judge you by her own reality, and you will judge her by yours. And they don't necessarily see the same things. All you are responsible now is to act as best as you can during the fallout, and let everyone else judge the both of you by their own realities.
It gets easier the less you read about her online, the less talk about her to others (after an initial venting period), the more you disentangle her life from yours. It still hurts. But it hurts a little less day by day, armed with the certainty that, at least for now, I am better off without my ex-friend. And you are better off without yours.
Also: regardless of what anyone thinks about you, whether it be your husband, your friends, your mom...you are the one who's always there with you, 24/7/365. Your husband and friends and support system can't be with you every second of every day, but you can. You're your own biggest support. So take care of yourself, love yourself, be gentle with yourself in this very trying time, and accept that you are not foolish or undeserving of the love and friendship from the other people in your life because this friendship ended.
Best of luck.
posted by Hakaisha at 8:28 PM on July 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's been half a year and it still stings, I still think about her, I still watch her Facebook.
That right there? That's what we detectives call a "clue".
Also: Doctor, it hurts when I do this, etc.
What Brandon said.
posted by flabdablet at 8:55 PM on July 17, 2011
That right there? That's what we detectives call a "clue".
Also: Doctor, it hurts when I do this, etc.
What Brandon said.
posted by flabdablet at 8:55 PM on July 17, 2011
Best answer: Your description above includes a fair amount of introspection about your own actions. Why don't you delve further into your own history and reasons for becoming close to them as a method for understanding how to move forward? I find that if I can understand my own patterns and motivations, it frees me to recognize the context. I benefit from this by not repeating the same scenario in the future, and understanding my own past history to inform my self esteem.
You have to be willing to keep asking yourself why you allowed the situation to happen, and opening the gates until the insights surface. I usually do some sort of repetitive physical task that allows my mind to wander a bit, and stay with my feelings. It's very healing.
My experience has been that when you gain insight into the overall context, the immediate begins to lose its sting. Good luck.
posted by effluvia at 8:55 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
You have to be willing to keep asking yourself why you allowed the situation to happen, and opening the gates until the insights surface. I usually do some sort of repetitive physical task that allows my mind to wander a bit, and stay with my feelings. It's very healing.
My experience has been that when you gain insight into the overall context, the immediate begins to lose its sting. Good luck.
posted by effluvia at 8:55 PM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
As others have said- cut off all contact and resist the urge to check the RSS feed or look at her Facebook page.
Just to get some perspective- publicly blogging about some beef with an old friend seems very juvenile and hurtful and it doesn't reflect well on her at all. I wouldn't worry about it reflecting negatively on you to your mutual acquiantances. If anything, it seems like a very 7th grade thing to do and it makes her look like a pyscho bitch, so just do your best to take the high road ignore it.
posted by emd3737 at 9:02 PM on July 17, 2011
Just to get some perspective- publicly blogging about some beef with an old friend seems very juvenile and hurtful and it doesn't reflect well on her at all. I wouldn't worry about it reflecting negatively on you to your mutual acquiantances. If anything, it seems like a very 7th grade thing to do and it makes her look like a pyscho bitch, so just do your best to take the high road ignore it.
posted by emd3737 at 9:02 PM on July 17, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you so much for your responses. They're very helpful.
As a followup question: one of my daily reminders is her husband's icon in my iChat. He's a great guy, and I have nothing but fondness and respect for him. He's known my husband since they were kids. Though they aren't much in touch with each other, and I never IMed much with him, I feel really uncomfortable deleting him from my friends list. I don't want to send a message that I or we have cut him off. I don't suppose there's some sort of hack that makes him invisible in my Buddy List?
posted by moira at 9:45 PM on July 17, 2011
As a followup question: one of my daily reminders is her husband's icon in my iChat. He's a great guy, and I have nothing but fondness and respect for him. He's known my husband since they were kids. Though they aren't much in touch with each other, and I never IMed much with him, I feel really uncomfortable deleting him from my friends list. I don't want to send a message that I or we have cut him off. I don't suppose there's some sort of hack that makes him invisible in my Buddy List?
posted by moira at 9:45 PM on July 17, 2011
Best answer:
You ought to be able to make a group and sort him into the group, and then close up the group toggle so you don't see who's there. (I've done this with ex-students, for example, because I'm too lazy to clean up my buddy list. )
posted by leahwrenn at 11:13 PM on July 17, 2011
You ought to be able to make a group and sort him into the group, and then close up the group toggle so you don't see who's there. (I've done this with ex-students, for example, because I'm too lazy to clean up my buddy list. )
posted by leahwrenn at 11:13 PM on July 17, 2011
Best answer: Okay. I'm going to disagree with some of the above. It might actually help you to discuss what is going on with a couple of close friends you trust. Take the high road by not 'going after her' or insulting your ex friend in any way, but explain you are feeling attacked and worrying what people are thinking. Get it out! Get some feedback!
The thing about toxic campaigns is that they eventually end up having an effect one way or another. My biggest regret having dealt with something similar in the past was telling myself I was "taking the high road" by keeping silent and slowly letting what was going on eat into my social interactions with mutual friends, also assuming that people would judge me by my past ethical behviors and discredit the other person. While the other person has ended up discredited, they were able to damage other relationships in my life to an extent during the process, to the point that some of our mutual friends apologized to me afterwards but our relationships have not been the same.
My experience is that people who engage in this kind of behavior know exactly how to conduct themselves to get a result: repeat loudly and often. I wished I had turned off the fear, turned on the charm, and met the messages the person was sending out head on by saying, early and probably just once to people I trusted and valued, something like "geez, from what xyz is saying, I should be public enemy number one around here! It's honestly so embarrassing, I just don't get it. Oh well!" Classy, brief, contradictory - friendship innoculated.
posted by skermunkil at 11:41 PM on July 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
The thing about toxic campaigns is that they eventually end up having an effect one way or another. My biggest regret having dealt with something similar in the past was telling myself I was "taking the high road" by keeping silent and slowly letting what was going on eat into my social interactions with mutual friends, also assuming that people would judge me by my past ethical behviors and discredit the other person. While the other person has ended up discredited, they were able to damage other relationships in my life to an extent during the process, to the point that some of our mutual friends apologized to me afterwards but our relationships have not been the same.
My experience is that people who engage in this kind of behavior know exactly how to conduct themselves to get a result: repeat loudly and often. I wished I had turned off the fear, turned on the charm, and met the messages the person was sending out head on by saying, early and probably just once to people I trusted and valued, something like "geez, from what xyz is saying, I should be public enemy number one around here! It's honestly so embarrassing, I just don't get it. Oh well!" Classy, brief, contradictory - friendship innoculated.
posted by skermunkil at 11:41 PM on July 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
Well it sounds like you have your answer, and what I'll say is more of the same. What works for me when I'm mentally continuing an argument is to remind myself I never have to talk to them again.
Self: "How can she say that?? She's so wrong!"
Self: "I know. That's why we're never going to talk to her again."
Self: "Good, because I hate her! Do you know what she did to me?"
Self: " I know, I know. That's why we're never going to talk to her again."
Self: "And what if she--"
Self: "She won't. Because we're not going to see her again. Ever. Not ever."
Self: "Never?"
Self: "Right. Never ever again will she be able to say or do anything that will hurt you."
Self: "Ah. Well. ... Alright then. That sounds good, I guess."
posted by salvia at 12:30 AM on July 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Self: "How can she say that?? She's so wrong!"
Self: "I know. That's why we're never going to talk to her again."
Self: "Good, because I hate her! Do you know what she did to me?"
Self: " I know, I know. That's why we're never going to talk to her again."
Self: "And what if she--"
Self: "She won't. Because we're not going to see her again. Ever. Not ever."
Self: "Never?"
Self: "Right. Never ever again will she be able to say or do anything that will hurt you."
Self: "Ah. Well. ... Alright then. That sounds good, I guess."
posted by salvia at 12:30 AM on July 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh honey-I've been there! Somebody that I thought of as a sister, turned out to be very similar to this, I ignored YEARS of people telling me that she wasn't my friend, that she was spreading dreadful rumours and lies about me-I still have people coming up to me and saying "Are you still in touch with so and so?" and then when i say "No" having people go "Thank God, she always said the most awful things about you " which, when confronted, she always dealt with, by telling me that the other person had the problem and was jealous of us/her. This "friend " repeatedly lied, scammed and stole from me- she was also diagnosed with BPD - I thought that just gave her an excuse for bad behaviour...but, I really counsel you to have a look at splitt.com written by BPD sufferers, it made me understand it a little bit better- not excuse it, but try and understand!
I have no contact with said friend anymore- it just got completely out of hand and she ended up having a series of restraining orders taken out against her-by other people and also threatening my relationship with my husband and his business too (More explanation if needed)
Listen, she won't stop, she doesn't really even think that she has done anything wrong- you have to be hard-hearted about this,I would suggest that you don't don't read her feeds and that you cut her off completely, but in my case I actually had an actionable offence committed against us by her, she got in touch with one of husband's business contacts, completely without our knowledge, telling him that my husband had suggested she got in contact and trying to target, said very wealthy man to leave his wife and small children for her.
Keep an eye on things and if she says anything that is not true, be on top of it, but also beware that these people are very practised at lying- mainly, because they don't think that they are lying!
But otherwise, don't waste your time, cut her out of your life, keep an eye on what she says and if it is actionable -take action, but forgive yourself for making a bad decision and move on! Trust me, she will reveal her true colours to more people eventually and you will be vindicated, but it might take some time!
posted by hitchcockblonde at 3:14 AM on July 18, 2011
I have no contact with said friend anymore- it just got completely out of hand and she ended up having a series of restraining orders taken out against her-by other people and also threatening my relationship with my husband and his business too (More explanation if needed)
Listen, she won't stop, she doesn't really even think that she has done anything wrong- you have to be hard-hearted about this,I would suggest that you don't don't read her feeds and that you cut her off completely, but in my case I actually had an actionable offence committed against us by her, she got in touch with one of husband's business contacts, completely without our knowledge, telling him that my husband had suggested she got in contact and trying to target, said very wealthy man to leave his wife and small children for her.
Keep an eye on things and if she says anything that is not true, be on top of it, but also beware that these people are very practised at lying- mainly, because they don't think that they are lying!
But otherwise, don't waste your time, cut her out of your life, keep an eye on what she says and if it is actionable -take action, but forgive yourself for making a bad decision and move on! Trust me, she will reveal her true colours to more people eventually and you will be vindicated, but it might take some time!
posted by hitchcockblonde at 3:14 AM on July 18, 2011
Wait a second....she went neurotic on you for a "sustained period" of at least two months, and now has still been blogging about YOU for "several months"?
I understand the hurt that comes with lost friendships and the need to mourn. You can take care of your hurt heart by doing what people above have recommended: remove the daily reminders, stop reading the blog, etc.
However, even with doing that you'll have to deal with the fear to check that she's not being nutso on the internet and talking crap about you. If it's something that could seriously compromise your personal or professional relationship, write a certified cease-and-desist letter. If it's more just the continued agony of knowing that she's casting you in the wrong light, maybe consider sending one email asking her to either stop blogging about you or hash out any lingering problems she has with you. But unfortunately, it's more likely that you'll have to let this go by meditating on the hope that most people who know her have also been on the receiving end of her neuroses and take her word with a grain of salt.
(The advice comes from having a friend go batshit insane on me in school and trash talking me to everyone -- students, professors, admin, everyone. I was mortified until a professor pulled me aside to say that she didn't believe a word of what she was hearing (even though some of it was, regrettably, true) because the speaker was acting so bizarre and not at all like a 32-year-old grad student should behave. So let another adult act like it's high school....the people who's good opinion you want will know what to make of it.)
posted by motsque at 5:10 AM on July 18, 2011
I understand the hurt that comes with lost friendships and the need to mourn. You can take care of your hurt heart by doing what people above have recommended: remove the daily reminders, stop reading the blog, etc.
However, even with doing that you'll have to deal with the fear to check that she's not being nutso on the internet and talking crap about you. If it's something that could seriously compromise your personal or professional relationship, write a certified cease-and-desist letter. If it's more just the continued agony of knowing that she's casting you in the wrong light, maybe consider sending one email asking her to either stop blogging about you or hash out any lingering problems she has with you. But unfortunately, it's more likely that you'll have to let this go by meditating on the hope that most people who know her have also been on the receiving end of her neuroses and take her word with a grain of salt.
(The advice comes from having a friend go batshit insane on me in school and trash talking me to everyone -- students, professors, admin, everyone. I was mortified until a professor pulled me aside to say that she didn't believe a word of what she was hearing (even though some of it was, regrettably, true) because the speaker was acting so bizarre and not at all like a 32-year-old grad student should behave. So let another adult act like it's high school....the people who's good opinion you want will know what to make of it.)
posted by motsque at 5:10 AM on July 18, 2011
This is tough, and I've had to deal with a similar situation in the past.
My brother had been dating his girlfriend for a few years when they started to have problems. We were going through a death in the family and dealing with it in various ways (I turned to alcohol and he to WoW) and she felt like he started to neglect her. Instead of trying to talk to him about it, or providing support when he needed it most, she just grew frustrated and looked for attention from others.
Enter my best friend of about a decade who has a bad habit of providing a shoulder for girls to cry on and then becoming hopelessly enamored of them. They ended up getting closer and closer 'til eventually she cheated on my brother with him. Massive blow-up and confrontation, but my brother ended up taking her back for another year before she dumped him, saying she needed a year off dating to "work on her relationship with God."
Two days later, she was seeing my best friend again. This was while I was living with him, and we argued constantly. I tried to preserve the friendship and work through the feelings of betrayal, but he has such a warped worldview—rationalizing everything they both did and refusing to admit it could even possibly be wrong—I eventually couldn't take it, and ended up kicking him out of the house a few months ago.
This is one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in, and I don't even has the issue of him spreading tales about me as your friend does via her blog (not that he doesn't, but he has zero credibility within the circles I care about). What helps me is to remember that the process of building and losing friendships is perfectly natural. It's unfortunate when it has to happen violently, but so it is.
Sometimes there are issues you can work through, sure, but when you have someone who's been so emotionally abusive, even as to affect your other friendships, it's time to pull out the root and realize there are plenty of amazing potential friendships waiting out there that won't set fire to your head.
posted by mean cheez at 6:03 AM on July 18, 2011
My brother had been dating his girlfriend for a few years when they started to have problems. We were going through a death in the family and dealing with it in various ways (I turned to alcohol and he to WoW) and she felt like he started to neglect her. Instead of trying to talk to him about it, or providing support when he needed it most, she just grew frustrated and looked for attention from others.
Enter my best friend of about a decade who has a bad habit of providing a shoulder for girls to cry on and then becoming hopelessly enamored of them. They ended up getting closer and closer 'til eventually she cheated on my brother with him. Massive blow-up and confrontation, but my brother ended up taking her back for another year before she dumped him, saying she needed a year off dating to "work on her relationship with God."
Two days later, she was seeing my best friend again. This was while I was living with him, and we argued constantly. I tried to preserve the friendship and work through the feelings of betrayal, but he has such a warped worldview—rationalizing everything they both did and refusing to admit it could even possibly be wrong—I eventually couldn't take it, and ended up kicking him out of the house a few months ago.
This is one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in, and I don't even has the issue of him spreading tales about me as your friend does via her blog (not that he doesn't, but he has zero credibility within the circles I care about). What helps me is to remember that the process of building and losing friendships is perfectly natural. It's unfortunate when it has to happen violently, but so it is.
Sometimes there are issues you can work through, sure, but when you have someone who's been so emotionally abusive, even as to affect your other friendships, it's time to pull out the root and realize there are plenty of amazing potential friendships waiting out there that won't set fire to your head.
posted by mean cheez at 6:03 AM on July 18, 2011
If the person was writing publicly about me and using my name I would feel compelled to confront him or her. If on the other hand the subject of her writing is sufficiently vague then other people's advice to ignore and move on makes sense.
posted by dgran at 6:18 AM on July 18, 2011
posted by dgran at 6:18 AM on July 18, 2011
Response by poster: To clarify, she hasn't actually used my name yet. Those who know us both would know she's speaking of me because she's often referred to me as her only friend aside from her husband, her dearest friend, etc. She has infrequent contact with her husband's friends, and she has her blog circle friends, but it's the refrain she's repeated for years, and there's a truth to it. She's alienated a long series of people.
I did, in fact, tell her I didn't like her blogging about me just after I broke off the friendship. It was our last communication. Her response was to blog some more about me and tell me in that post to stop reading. She managed to write it so that she came off as wise and compassionate. I can tell you that she will consider it her personal right to write as she pleases, and that a second, more direct request will not stop her.
posted by moira at 7:31 AM on July 18, 2011
I did, in fact, tell her I didn't like her blogging about me just after I broke off the friendship. It was our last communication. Her response was to blog some more about me and tell me in that post to stop reading. She managed to write it so that she came off as wise and compassionate. I can tell you that she will consider it her personal right to write as she pleases, and that a second, more direct request will not stop her.
posted by moira at 7:31 AM on July 18, 2011
Response by poster: I guess I can console myself that the posts on her more public blog have mellowed considerably, and while the story she tells is still a bizarre lie, the insults to my character are far more subtle and generic.
posted by moira at 7:54 AM on July 18, 2011
posted by moira at 7:54 AM on July 18, 2011
Best answer: If she has a long track record of alienated friends, your mutual friends/acquaintances most likely have also noticed this and are likely to think that it's her, not you. Assuming you are all at least 20-something, they also have some broken friendships behind them.
Maintain your other friendships. Avoid the trap of assuming that they all must think badly of you - you have no idea what they think, and to tell the truth they probably don't think much of it at all. These things happen - on a lesser scale, usually, but they do happen.
If other people brought it up, I would probably try to say something true but non-specific - "Sue and I didn't see eye to eye on some things / aren't really keeping in touch these days / had a misunderstanding. It sucks. So, how about your new tree grafting project?"
I've had some unpleasant friend breakups and I've had mutual friends of us both stay friendly with both of us even when I was rather immature about it. You don't have to handle this perfectly for it to be ok, just take care of yourself, keep up the good work in therapy, and continue being friendly to your friends.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on July 18, 2011
Maintain your other friendships. Avoid the trap of assuming that they all must think badly of you - you have no idea what they think, and to tell the truth they probably don't think much of it at all. These things happen - on a lesser scale, usually, but they do happen.
If other people brought it up, I would probably try to say something true but non-specific - "Sue and I didn't see eye to eye on some things / aren't really keeping in touch these days / had a misunderstanding. It sucks. So, how about your new tree grafting project?"
I've had some unpleasant friend breakups and I've had mutual friends of us both stay friendly with both of us even when I was rather immature about it. You don't have to handle this perfectly for it to be ok, just take care of yourself, keep up the good work in therapy, and continue being friendly to your friends.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on July 18, 2011
Response by poster: Followup: Thanks to your great advice, I've been able to mostly put her out of my mind and redirect my energy to getting back to a better emotional state. You rock!
posted by moira at 12:44 PM on August 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by moira at 12:44 PM on August 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by sweetkid at 7:19 PM on July 17, 2011