Dating someone who has an illness

June 19, 2011 10:22 AM

Dating someone who has an illness

I've recently starting seeing a wonderful man who I would like to continue seeing. It's been a long time since I found someone like this guy, and we've gotten along very well so far and even shared a first kiss. We are both looking for someone for the long term haul.

He disclosed to me that he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when he was a young child, was in remission until his mid 20's and then it had flared, and is now taking Remicade which is working for him. He sounds like he's led a very active, full life. I'd never had known if he didn't tell me- we've gone out to dinners, outdoor activities, etc. He didn't even act like it was a big deal when he mentioned it to me.

This all came as a shock to me, but I knew some stuff about UC from my educational background. It doesn't phase me too much because I had dealt with several years of GI issues (multiple doctors and tests, finally a colonoscopy that revealed a "weird" twisted colon, and discovered numerous food sensitivities....I now have my issues under control through careful diet and probiotics). My family background has bowel diseases and I had been tested for it, as well.

Anyway, in all honesty I am a little scared about the side effects he mentioned from Remicade (possible cancer, hepatitis, etc). And I have a lot of "what ifs" floating through my mind, such as:
Will I be a caregiver rather than a romantic partner? (This happened in a previous relationship and I was completely shut out, and am afraid of that happening again).
Is he more likely to die early from UC or medication side effects?
What if we got serious and his UC got worse and changed our relationship completely, like could never do anything as a couple?

I know surgery is one route many people go and if he ever chose that I'd be completely fine with it. One of my relatives had to go that route.

Right now I am kind of going back and forth...I see him as him and the UC as not defining him. I know I can keep seeing him and see how things go, taking things slowly. I wonder if I am picturing it as worse than it really is?

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

posted by dt2010 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I cannot speak to the specific issue/illness, but there are no guarantees in life, and you could be dating/involved with someone perfectly healthy who then has an accident or becomes ill. Yes, the illness here is a given, but you just never know. Case in point, I am disabled and chronically ill, and met a wonderful, healthy man, who wanted to be both my romantic partner and caregiver. Five years later, he had massive coronary event, and now for the past four years I have been HIS caregiver. Still, we have an awesome relationship, friendship, and while things are tough, with both of us being somewhat limited physically, we are together and that is all that matters to us. (I was previously with a man that I lefft in part because I did NOT want to end u0p as his caregiver if something happened ... the difference is all in the person and the relationship, so don't judge this experience by the previous one you had)

If you see the potential of that kind of relationship with this man ... then carefully consider all aspects, i.e. the joy is worth the pain.
posted by batikrose at 10:35 AM on June 19, 2011 [5 favorites]

Everyone develops an illness sooner or later. With luck, it's not until later, but in a way you benefit from it being sooner. Your new romantic interest already knows what is wrong with him. He already has a treatment that works. You don't have to sit through the hand-wringing that goes with diagnostic tests, or the frustration of trying a bunch of different therapies that each have nasty side effects.

It's possible this dude's lifespan is going to be shorter because of his illness. But that's so with everyone. You could dump him, go out with someone else, and be perfectly happy until that someone else is hit by a car or finds a funny looking mole or ... anything.

We all die, eventually. Some of us die sooner, some of us are sicker for longer, but that shouldn't prevent us from enjoying life while we've got it. Your current partner is, as you say, leading an active and full life right now.

If you're freaked out, that's fine. Ask questions. Express your fear. Make plans, if there aren't some already, for what happens if the UC gets worse.

And then move on with the business of living. Because really, that's all anyone can do. You don't have to make decisions about becoming a caretaker right now, because you are not currently in that situation. You don't have to worry about when your partner will die, because that's not on the table at the moment. You two could date for a few months, a few years even, and then move on. Or you could get married, and build lives together. You could get sick, and your partner might become a caretaker. There are a million potential outcomes.

Don't waste your time worrying about things that are beyond your control or even your ability to predict. Focus on what is, rather than what may come to pass.
posted by brina at 10:39 AM on June 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

In Tennessee Williams' The Night of the Iguana there is a great scene where someone criticizes a character for investing so much of herself in taking care of her sick grandfather, saying something about how a bird doesn't build a nest in a falling-down tree... it builds with an eye to the relative permanence of the situation.

She responds that she is not a bird, but a human being: "And when a member of that fantastic species builds a nest in the heart of another, the question of permanence isn't the first or even the last thing that's considered."

Fear is natural in the beginning of any relationship. What will this person become? What will I become? Try to keep an eye on what's happening in the relationship RIGHT NOW. If you end up together in the long term, great -- that's something to deal with then. You are not making a major life decision by continuing to see this man, at least no more major than any other decision you make from one day to the next. Don't let your fears about the future keep you from appraising someone with an open heart; there will be fears enough to counter every joy in your life, at a certain point you have to decide to turn down the volume on them and enjoy your life while you have the chance.
posted by hermitosis at 11:00 AM on June 19, 2011 [21 favorites]

You might be interested in this previous question. el_lupino, the last to provide an answer there, is my husband.
posted by jocelmeow at 11:58 AM on June 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Would you rather have this wonderful person in your life with this certain set of problems, or some other random person who'll eventually have some other set of problems?

The more you try to micromanage your life by avoiding these situations, the more unhappy you'll be. You'll rob yourself of happy adventures and wind up having to deal with unpleasant realities anyhow, completely irrespective of whether or not you've knowingly invited these realities into your life.
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:32 PM on June 19, 2011

Regarding the side effects of Remicade, a recent study suggests that the preliminary conclusions that the biologics cause cancer were incorrect and that the risk of cancer is no greater for people taking biologics than for other people with autoimmune disease. For me (completely different disease) the biologic drugs make it possible for me to live my life, and the side effects are negligible compared to my disease.
posted by hydropsyche at 2:37 PM on June 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Mrs. Plinth made that decision with me. She spent a fair amount of time thinking it through because in all likelihood, I will have a distinctly shorter life span than average or a poorer quality of life or both. Still, she decided to date me and to go into a long-term relationship, get married, and have kids. Why? Because she felt that the time spent with me far outweighed the fear of the unknown.

Ulcerative colitis? Yeah, I get that. I have Crohn's disease (which turned up some 5 years ago - we had been married for 5 years already), and yeah it sucks to spend too much time curled up like a boiled shrimp which for death to be visited upon you, but still she hasn't taken off on me. We're codependent inasmuch as every long-term couple literally is. We depend on each other and we compensate for the other's short-comings. Can you see a glimmer of that? Totally worth it. Totally.
posted by plinth at 3:51 PM on June 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't know about UC, but speaking as one who is paralyzed from the waist down and has chronic pain to boot, I'm not sure of an illness, perhaps outside of dementia, that would make couplehood impossible.

But that depends on how you define couplehood. For me it is being with the person, sexually and non-sexually, talking, supporting, sharing details of our lives.

For others it could be skiing in the Alps together. That's out of the cards for me and my guy. But all couples, unless they are insanely lucky and/or rich, have limitations as to what they could do.

As for being a caretaker, it seems you are operating off of your anxieties over the future, rather than predictions made by medical professionals? (Sorry if I'm ignorant w/r/t UC or misread your question). If that's true, maybe you have to ask yourself: is experiencing the anxiety worth being with the person?
posted by angrycat at 5:28 PM on June 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have been both in your position - as a partner to someone with a permanent, chronic and serious illness, and your new boyfriend's position (I also have colitis! Not ulcerative as yet, thank goodness). This is kinda long, I hope you get something out of it; if not, apologies in advance!

Whatever you choose to do, you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. There is no shame in admitting that you do not have the resources - emotional, mental or otherwise - to cope with someone's chronic condition. I think it's very easy for healthy people to get all Florence Nightingale about it, and go on about the strength and power of love etc. But it's another thing entirely to live with a chronic illness - it's like having a third person in the relationship in many ways; and you can feel like it becomes your illness, too; it's a big, constant sacrifice - and sometimes the reality is that love is not enough.

I gave myself a very hard time in my early twenties when I did not have the wherewithal to cope with my partner's chronic illness. It may have been true that we would have broken up in the long term, anyway, but for many years I berated myself on lacking the courage and the commitment, and the love, for breaking up because of her illness - and trying to hide that fact to myself for so long. With the benefit of nearly a decade, I see now that I was just a young kid in his first serious relationship - no wonder I had trouble coping with all that stuff in addition to the early twenties stuff that all young kids are going through. If I had stayed with my partner, it would have actually been worse for both of us as resentments and frustrations - and sadness - continued to pile up for us, turning a relationship - that even more than regular relationships should have been rock solid and gold - into something more akin to the illness; a draining, debilitating source of pain and depression. I have seen couples where the illness is what holds them together, and it's not a pretty sight.

Conversely to all this - lest I scare you too much - sometimes love is enough. Those sacrifices don't even feel like sacrifices because there is no question of not doing them. Furthermore, the illness becomes something more akin to someone's height: certainly, it's with you all the time, and it's something you need to take account of, but it doesn't define you, or your relationship. It's just a thing, like hair colour, or a slight limp etc etc.

With my colitis, I'm very active in managing it so I'm sick as little as possible now, and even though I couldn't ask for a more supportive partner in any way, I keep the management of my illness very much in my hands, and it's not something I try to let affect our lives together. My partner has obviously assessed the totality of our relationship - does so regular, I presume - and decided that, colitis included, this is the relationship she wants to be in. Having a chronic illness doesn't let me off the hook for the regular kind of relationship maintenance and co-habitation responsibilities that any good relationship has, and I guess my partner is satisfied that - illness or no - she is a big priority in my life and the way I have built a place for her in my life is enough for her at any given point in time. If not, she'll let me know what she expects and because I love her, and us, and myself with her, I will make every good-faith effort I can to accommodate those expectations.

Of course, things may get harder in the future. In which case, more assessment and discussion would be required on both our sides, I have no doubt. And perhaps my partner would decide that it was too much for her - and I would certainly not blame or castigate her for making that decisions - heck, I wouldn't live with this if I had a choice! - rather, I would be grateful for the terrific relationship we had for so many years.

In this respect, I feel like a chronic illness - and the way you need to respond to it in a relationship - should, in a ideal world, be largely like any other kind of issue, or problem, or factor in a relationship. It's a challenge we face together, and we both work together to minimise its impact on us and maximise the... abundance of our love . Some days this is easier, and some days this is really challenging, but anybody in any serious relationship could and would say that about a host of things. We're not the kind of people who have turned away from challenges in our lives, if the rewards justify the work. And for us, in this relationship, they certainly do. We're expecting our first child in October.
posted by smoke at 5:36 PM on June 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

My STBX wife has Crohn's (not the reason for the breakup). When she told me this when we were first going out, I had the same sorts of feelings you do: is she going to have a shorter or severely restricted life because of this; am I strong enough to deal with her condition if it worsens.

I decided that I loved her, and wanted to be with her regardless. Thankfully, her condition has remained stable. But yes, there were times when it was hard. And, I admit, times when I wasn't strong enough. But I wouldn't have traded the times I had with her for someone "more healthy".

And, as others have mentioned, everyone has something - physical or emotional. Better you know going in, than finding out later.
posted by amoeba syndrome at 9:14 PM on June 19, 2011 [1 favorite]