When illness impacts relationship choices

March 6, 2006 11:18 AM

Seeking perspectives on a difficult situation regarding dating/relationships and serious illness.

I've found myself in a complicated situation, and this one isn't really in the dating books. I'm posting here just to gather some perspectives and experience in case anyone here has dealt with anything remotely similar. I'll describe the situation below.

I'm a 36yo single female. I dated a man for a short time and developed a sincere liking for him. It seemed clear there was good long-term potential and strong compatibility. Most everything clicked: sex, tastes, humor, interests, goals, values.

After several good weeks, for reasons he was unable to fully identify at the time, he ended it, citing an indefinable missing element. We communicated about this for quite some time, and came to the agreement that it was not really a problem between us per se, but mostly issues related to his fairly recent and troubled divorce. He was still working through that, and feared getting into another serious, long-term relationship so quickly.

So be it. We agreed to establish a friendship, but I chose to take a break in contacting him so I could rebuild the emotional distance to start over in a different context.

Before the self-imposed break was over, and only about a week from the breakup itself, he contacted me to let me know he'd been diagnosed with a fairly serious form of cancer. I promised to be there with friendship and support.

The diagnosis has obviously set off a great deal of self-examination for him. As part of this, he has decided that it was a mistake to break things off with me. Being faced with mortality has of course caused him to re-evaluate what he wants. He also thinks the time we did spend together was affected by his awareness that this diagnosis was a possibility (I didn't know it at the time, but he was having symptoms and getting tests).

So far, I haven't made any promises about what I can offer besides friendship, and I haven't let things go too far at all in terms of physical intimacy. I was hurt when he dropped me and don't want to repeat that experience, and don't want to hurt him either. I'm also painfully aware that the situation isn't quite rational -- it's really intense to face serious illness that can be life-threatening, and of course in his position anyone would want companionship and closeness. I neither want to take advantage of his feelings of need, nor build a relationship on what may be passing emotions arising from the illness itself and possibly not having a lot to do with who I am, specifically.

Slightly complicating matters is that there may be some loss of sexual function as a result of the treatment, and there's a natural urge to have a 'last hurrah' while all the equipment is in good order. I'd like to be able to indulge in that, but have a hard time having sex without being in a relationship, so I don’t think I can just do that out of sheer generosity. I might be wrong, but it feels like it should be in the context of a relationship or not at all.

Other facts: I'd like to marry and probably have a child, and there are not so many years left for that (He already has children from his former marriage, but hasn't ruled out having more). The treatment is expected to take up to nine months. The long-term survival rate is good, but there are never any guarantees. And yes, this is the kind of person I could envision spending my life with if things went in that direction. If I didn't feel that way, this would all be very easy.

I feel faced with enormous emotional risk. I have to make my own decisions, so I'm not looking to be told what to do, but just wanted to get feedback on what others have experienced when cancer impacts relationships, particularly new ones. It would be helpful to know what's common and what's unique to this situation. For what it's worth in terms of advice-giving, I have an excellent support network of great friends, enjoy an otherwise-functional and happy life, and am already seeing a counselor.

Thanks in advance for your responses. This is private and sensitive, obviously, and I resisted posting about it here, but can use all the knowledge I can find. Should anyone care to email me offlist, please send to [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

I have not been in this direct situation. However I have been in situations wherein I have been waiting for important news. I can tell you when things are on the line - health or otherwise - you will act different. I think it is very possible that was caused the relationship to fall apart was him living under that constant stress.

I think you need to ask yourself how you truly felt about him and then just take it slowly. Just make it clear that he has to understand the slow aspect.

I would try (as hard as it may be) to ignore the illness aspect.
posted by UMDirector at 11:35 AM on March 6, 2006

I'd like to marry and probably have a child, and there are not so many years left for that (He already has children from his former marriage, but hasn't ruled out having more).

Everything else aside, I think this would be a strong factor against this relationship. It sounds like it will be almost a year before you'll even know whether he will be healthy enough to make a decision about whether or not to have children. That decision process could then drag on for a couple more years.

If it is important for you to have children, you should figure out some way to work out this issue with him now. If he can't do that, you should move on, or decide that it's OK if you end up not having children.

I realize I've pulled one element out a long and complicated story, but I've seen too many women who spend too much time in relationships that end up not working out ---- for whatever reason ---- and then find that they can't have kids. You have to be very decisive (ruthless?) to avoid that.
posted by alms at 12:00 PM on March 6, 2006

Anon, it sounds like you've thought this whole thing through in a very complete and admirable way. I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for from us here. This guy's life is going to be centered on his condition for the forseeable future. I would think that any relationship movement that took place now will be colored by the circumstances you all are in - in other words, neither of you would know if it was a "real" romantic relationship until after his treatment was complete. Feeling as you do, I'd strongly support your hesitation about the pity-sex.

I think the fact that he told you he regrets his breaking off the relationship is understandable, but it still strikes me as a bit tactless (for want of a better word), and would probably have pissed me off in a kind of immature way (as in "Oh! *Now* that you have a life threatening condition and you need support, you decide I was ok after all? No thanks!"), so congrats to you for being thoughtful and reflective about it.

It sounds like he could use a good friend, which it sounds like you are. And you could use a man to be in a relationship with, which it sounds like he isn't. I'd say your offer of support and friendship is more than generous, but I'd suggest you look elsewhere for a romantic relationship.
posted by jasper411 at 12:01 PM on March 6, 2006

In general I'm distressed by the ungenerous impulse in a lot of the answers to AskMe relationship questions, and I try to avoid them myself, but I have to admit to feeling more protective of you anon than of this man. That's prompted, I think, by the way you wrote your description, in which you seem more concerned that you might be taking advantage of him rather than the other way around. What I read strikes me as a, quite understandable, reaction to bad news on his part, but at your expense. He now needs support and love and he is turning to you after rejecting you not so long ago. I'm not saying that it couldn't work out well, but it's a hell of a way to start a relationship.

My advice would be to think hard about the mechanics of a relationship between you in the next week or so. If 1) you want kids, and 2) he does not, and 3) he may not be able to have them after treatment (?), and 4) you might have to wait 9 months to be in a position to evaluate how things are going to proceed, and 5) you have a biological clock which demands some level of attention, I think you have to take all of those things into account. Along with the fact that he hurt you before. This guy may be so great that all of those things are as nothing to your attraction to him, and that isn't wrong, but you should be honest with yourself about if that's true or not. If it isn't true, don't waste the pretty, tell him that you like him but that there are too many unknown or negative things going on right now to get reinvolved.

Above all, I think it's important to remind yourself that you have no responsiblity to him that exceeds human decency. Don't confuse the shittiness of his current situation and your desire to support him with an obligation to date him again. Good luck, and be true to yourself.
posted by OmieWise at 12:02 PM on March 6, 2006

Hmmm. You dated for a couple of weeks, and it seemed good, and then he abruptly broke it off. Up to the cancer part, this sounds like thousands of other relationships that never got off the ground. Basically, you've only known each other a short time, and he's got a serious illness. He's in no position to have a relationship right now. And I can't believe you're the closest friend he has, having only known him a short time, so there have got to be other people more in a position to give him emotional support in this troubled time. I think you need to wish him well and step away. Even leaving out the part about him dumping you, the timing here just isn't right.
posted by JanetLand at 12:28 PM on March 6, 2006

And when I said, "have a relationship," I really meant "start a relationship," because I think that's where you still really are, being very new to one another.
posted by JanetLand at 12:29 PM on March 6, 2006

I'm just guessing, but maybe you're thinking that if you stick with him through this, then at the end of it all your prize will be a long-term relationship with this man - after all, he would then "owe" you, right? But that scenario is not terribly likely at all. It could very well turn out that he can't stand that feeling of being indebted to you, or that you could remind him of his illness and dependency. Or, most likely of all, he would decide that whatever was missing between you from the beginning was still missing.

If I were you, I'd only agree to be "just friends" with him as he goes through treatment. That wouldn't stop you from becoming romantically involved after the treatment is finished, if you both still want that when the time comes. But at the moment, there is just no way of knowing whether it's the cancer talking when he's saying he wants you back.
posted by hazyjane at 1:01 PM on March 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well, here goes. Day by day. One day at a time. My guess is that this is not the best time for either of you to make long term commitments or short term decisions. There is a human and compelling urge to want to wrap things up, force clarity, bring closure, have a plan etc. As hard as it is try and make decisions based on the reality of that day and not what may or may happen. Quite often that path leads to the clarity and guidance for which you hope. You sound generous of heart and spiritt. My best wishes
posted by rmhsinc at 1:48 PM on March 6, 2006

Being strong for yourself and keeping your boundaries clear will allow you to be a better friend to him, without loading all sorts of relationship expectations onto the situation. Be well.
posted by matildaben at 2:02 PM on March 6, 2006

You are "not looking to be told what to do, but just wanted to get feedback on what others have experienced when cancer impacts relationships, particularly new ones," right?

I have no personal experience with it, but did you see these webpages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ? What stands out to me is the shock/trauma of a new diagnosis, the support cancer patients can need, and the intense journey a cancer diagnosis begins (for an individual or a couple). Best wishes in however you go forward.
posted by salvia at 2:55 PM on March 6, 2006

I was diagnosed with cancer (thyroid) and a connective tissue disease (Marfan syndrome) nearly nine years ago, about 6 months into a new relationship. I had been really sick for about 4 of those months (and ill off and on for years). The shock was enormous, even as I felt a certain measure of relief to finally get some diagnoses.

Unfortunately, though, the whole intensity of the situation ratcheted up the seriousness between my then-boyfriend and me waaaay too fast and furiously. I wanted (and needed) a lot of care, companionship and reassurance. He didn't want to be the guy who skipped out on a girl with cancer. Suddenly we were living together and making plans to get married after my treatment was over. It was insane, and we could only see it after we actually got married and realized, sadly, that we shouldn't have (although I will say we both got some serious cold feet before the wedding that we talked ourselves out of -- clearly we both had a hunch that this was just not how things should progress).

Ultimately, the pressure that cancer put on the relationship was incalculable and really something that we never recovered from. It's certainly not that I think my cancer ruined our relationship -- I don't particularly think my ex-husband and I were meant to be life partners (as much as he's still a good friend). It's just that the emotional and logistical demands of cancer blinded us in a way to the realities (and limitations) of our compatibilities, potential for long-term commitment, etc.

In a nutshell, I personally think the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and for him is to be a supportive friend for the time being. If there is a shared future between the two of you, that will become clearer down the road.
posted by scody at 5:31 PM on March 6, 2006

If you get back together with him and he doesn't die, he'll probably pull a Lance Armstrong at some point in the future and leave you for someone else.

That's a bit cynical I guess, but reading your post, it seems like you're reading too much into a relationship that wasn't meant to be, and he's turning back to you now because he needs something to keep him confident and there may not be another chance for him to get involved romantically. In other words, he wants you for the opportunity you represent, not the person you are.

Could be wrong, but that's my 2 cents.
posted by Happydaz at 6:16 PM on March 6, 2006

You know, I really have to apologize. Your question was fairly specific, and I completely misread it. The type of advice I gave was pretty much explicitly not asked for:

"I have to make my own decisions, so I'm not looking to be told what to do, but just wanted to get feedback on what others have experienced when cancer impacts relationships, particularly new ones. It would be helpful to know what's common and what's unique to this situation."

This is part of what I meant in the first sentence of my response. It's hard to keep in mind all of the subtleties, and too easy to read (what we think) is between the lines. Anyway, I'm sorry to have jumped in with advice that you didn't ask for. My experience dealing with this kind of thing is at least second-hand. Best of luck, and take care of yourself.
posted by OmieWise at 6:29 PM on March 6, 2006

I don't have any first-hand experience with a situation like yours, but a friend of mine recently did. She's around your age; wanted children; briefly dated a man; it ended (I forget why, but I don't think it was similar to your breakup); soon thereafter, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and sought her out to reconnect.

She did reconnect with him to offer her support and friendship. There was no real notion of a long-term relationship blossoming, because it was pretty much a given that the man would not survive for very long.

My friend ended up being a MAJOR support for this man and his family during his treatment and final months, both emotionally and physically (financially I think he was pretty ok). When he died (<1 year later), she was emotionally wiped out for quite some time, and the effects lingered into new relationships that she tried to build (she didn't even try to date new people while she was caring for her friend). i think that she just did not have very much left over to give to a new romance interest or to herself (and it's so necessary to give to in order to have a healthy intimate relationship with someone else).br>
She did, of course, eventually emerge from the period of withdrawal and recovery. I think she is an incredibly generous, loving, and selfless person who did something that most people would not have the strength or heart or stamina to do. I also think that her self-preservation instincts need some strengthening.

Granted, her situation is not similar to yours in that her friend's prognosis was known to be very grim from the start, so there was no possibility of lasting it out with him and rebuilding a relationship after treatment. Also, it's possible that the degree of support she was giving was more extreme than what you might have in mind (although I doubt that she had planned in advance just "how much" support she was going to give... I think it was a case of seeing the need and wanting to give whatever she could).

I'm not sure if she has any regrets. I do wonder whether she asked herself, in advance, just how much of her own life she was willing to give to this person, and whether she balanced that with how much of her own life she owed to herself.

I wish you heart strength for the coming times.
posted by tentacle at 7:31 AM on March 7, 2006

You did ask for personal experience. Mine is indirect. I spent several years working with(counselling) couples referred by a hematologist and/or neurologist. One person with each of the couples had been recently diagnosed with one of several catastophic illnesses. Cancer, MS lupus, etc. From that experience I can say with confidence that each couple found or lost their own solution. There are just to many variables to generalize or borrow experience--duration of the relationship, course of the illness, type of illness, internal psychological considerations, family involvement, children, support systems, values and religious beliefs and the unique dynamics of each relationship. For some couples they became closer, some separated, some probably should have sepataed and some just went on. In all of the cases the illness became a metaphor for other parts of their lives.
As I previously said. Day by Day, You might look for a support group for persons (couple or individual) in similar circumstances. My Best wishes.
posted by rmhsinc at 3:15 PM on March 7, 2006

From the Original Poster:

I thank you all for your sincere, sensitive and heartfelt advice. I'm returning with an update for anyone referencing this thread in the future. If you're facing the illness of a partner, you will find lots of wisdom here. But I especially want to highlight the advice offered by rmhsinc, which became the clear Best Answer for me, over time.

In the earliest days of a terrifying diagnosis, no one can think. It's a highly emotional, frightening, and irrational time. It's not a time to make large pronouncements or big decisions. The only way to proceed is one day at a time. The normal 'rules' are most definitely suspended, and the paramount concern is creating the greatest degree of emotional safety and security for everyone affected by the disease.

As it happened, I continued to date this fellow. We had some wonderful times. We had deep talks of the soul-searching kind, and great laughs of the distracting and silly kind. We were able to give a lot to each other at a time when all the big and meaningful ideas in life were at the forefront. We weathered changes in physical intimacy brought on by all sorts of treatments, and we both learned that you can carry on loving despite a lot of obstacles when you truly care about someone. We both grew. We both took some risks - you can imagine, the complications of fear and potential loss and sacrifice on both sides - but we were able to honor one another's risks and treat each other very, very well throughout.

He's through the hardest part of treatment and on the road to recovery now, and we just ended things. It was mutual, comfortable, and the right decision. I have absolutely no regrets about either sticking with him through this roughest time, or about ending things now that we can look more clearly at what the future should hold for each of us. With all we've been through together, we now have a really solid and warm friendship that I know I can count on.

The thing for anyone else confronted with a recent diagnosis to know is this: That there are times when making no decision is the very best decision of all. There are no deadlines, there is no right or wrong, and there is no need to do anything rash or disruptive. You don't have to have a plan. Emotions rocket around quickly in the face of mortality and the Big Questions. It's perfectly okay to be patient with yourself, and the other person, and take the time you really need to see what you should do. As hard as it is to be ill, It's also hard to be the one who's healthy and in the support role. But you might receive some amazing gifts if you stick around to watch, learn, and see what it feels like. You might find out a lot about your own strength. When the time comes, you will know exactly what to do. You don't have to act right away, and you don't have to act like you know what to do before you in fact do know. It will be difficult, so get support and, as a wise person here reminded me, honor your own difficulties. They are real. Maybe you don't have a life-threatening illness, but what's difficult is that your partner has not chosen their life situation, but you must choose yours with them, every day.

During the most difficult times, I kept returning to this powerful piece of wisdom from Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

We lived our way into our answer, and so will you. Blessings. And thanks to the helpful and respectful and sensitive community here for your caring responses.
posted by jessamyn at 9:48 PM on July 28, 2006