This Stella wants her groove back.
June 16, 2011 8:08 AM Subscribe
How to get my orgasms back?
I'm no longer able to climax with my partner; or rather, if I do, it's very infrequent.
I've been married for a little over two years. Our marriage is pretty awesome; we're supportive of each other, affectionate, and heck, just have a great time being married to each other. Sex during courtship was obviously more passionate, given that we would only see each other about 3 to 4 months a year (long distance that totally worked out!). Sex during marriage...well, it isn't what it used to be.
I consider myself a very sexual/physical person. We both fully acknowledge that my drive is much higher than his, but we try to work with what we have. So, if I''m lucky, we may have sex twice a week. (This is something my spouse is working on.)
But I don't know what's going on. I am not climaxing. The desire is there, the yen for sex is there, all of which mesh with loving and being hot for my partner, but when it comes down to it, it doesn't happen. Admittedly, my husband is more "vanilla" than me, being raised a sweet Protestant boy, but still! I deal with the fact that a lot of my sexual interests don't mesh with his, and some of your basic titillation tactics (dirty talk, sex somewhere outside of the bedroom) haven't taken hold. The foreplay is great, but he does get too impatient to get right to intercourse, when I want it to last longer because, frankly, that's the only thing doing it for me at the moment.
Is my frustration with the sameness of our sex life robbing me of the ability to enjoy it? Do I demand that we vary things a lot more so I will be able to enjoy it too? Or should we seek couples therapy to unlock my husband's inner bad boy?
(Before anyone asks, I climax fine with masturbation. It's just a very lonely way to do it when you want to have that experience with someone you love.)
This has left me sad and upset. I strongly believe that a healthy sex life is important to a marriage.
The throwaway email for this question is frustratedmissus@hotmail.com.
Finally, my partner knows I am posting this. We've discussed it and he's okay with me airing our laundry, albeit anonymously.
I'm no longer able to climax with my partner; or rather, if I do, it's very infrequent.
I've been married for a little over two years. Our marriage is pretty awesome; we're supportive of each other, affectionate, and heck, just have a great time being married to each other. Sex during courtship was obviously more passionate, given that we would only see each other about 3 to 4 months a year (long distance that totally worked out!). Sex during marriage...well, it isn't what it used to be.
I consider myself a very sexual/physical person. We both fully acknowledge that my drive is much higher than his, but we try to work with what we have. So, if I''m lucky, we may have sex twice a week. (This is something my spouse is working on.)
But I don't know what's going on. I am not climaxing. The desire is there, the yen for sex is there, all of which mesh with loving and being hot for my partner, but when it comes down to it, it doesn't happen. Admittedly, my husband is more "vanilla" than me, being raised a sweet Protestant boy, but still! I deal with the fact that a lot of my sexual interests don't mesh with his, and some of your basic titillation tactics (dirty talk, sex somewhere outside of the bedroom) haven't taken hold. The foreplay is great, but he does get too impatient to get right to intercourse, when I want it to last longer because, frankly, that's the only thing doing it for me at the moment.
Is my frustration with the sameness of our sex life robbing me of the ability to enjoy it? Do I demand that we vary things a lot more so I will be able to enjoy it too? Or should we seek couples therapy to unlock my husband's inner bad boy?
(Before anyone asks, I climax fine with masturbation. It's just a very lonely way to do it when you want to have that experience with someone you love.)
This has left me sad and upset. I strongly believe that a healthy sex life is important to a marriage.
The throwaway email for this question is frustratedmissus@hotmail.com.
Finally, my partner knows I am posting this. We've discussed it and he's okay with me airing our laundry, albeit anonymously.
It sounds like a big part of the problem is that your husband isn't doing things that you need him to be doing in bed and that you're not letting him know what you want.
You want foreplay to last longer? Let him know!
You want more dirty talk? Let him know!
You want to have sex on the kitchen table? Let him know!
That, combined with the fact that you sound pretty bored with your sex life (despite your caveats about it begin not too bad), is probably a large part of the issue.
Now, if you have told him about these issues (and your last line suggest that maybe you have), then it's a much tougher call. There could be other issues going on here that you're not even aware of. There could be genuine medical issues or psychological issues which I am not going to attempt to comment on.
However, if the situation is simply that you've asked him to do things and he's not doing them, then couples therapy might be the answer.
Finally, for the TMI points, can you get off when he goes down on you? A lot of women can't get off during intercourse (and sometimes women who could in the past lose the ability to do so later in life); maybe you're one of them.
posted by asnider at 8:33 AM on June 16, 2011
You want foreplay to last longer? Let him know!
You want more dirty talk? Let him know!
You want to have sex on the kitchen table? Let him know!
That, combined with the fact that you sound pretty bored with your sex life (despite your caveats about it begin not too bad), is probably a large part of the issue.
Now, if you have told him about these issues (and your last line suggest that maybe you have), then it's a much tougher call. There could be other issues going on here that you're not even aware of. There could be genuine medical issues or psychological issues which I am not going to attempt to comment on.
However, if the situation is simply that you've asked him to do things and he's not doing them, then couples therapy might be the answer.
Finally, for the TMI points, can you get off when he goes down on you? A lot of women can't get off during intercourse (and sometimes women who could in the past lose the ability to do so later in life); maybe you're one of them.
posted by asnider at 8:33 AM on June 16, 2011
what has changed for you? stress? illness? anything? just trying to pin down what could be different.
being with an unenthusiastic partner made it very hard to orgasm...it got to the point where i would get MYSELF off during foreplay and then he would have sex with me.
communication is the biggest part of any sexual problem. he needs to meet you halfway (watch the language though..."demand"?) he needs to know how important this is to you, before more resentment builds.
posted by virginia_clemm at 8:36 AM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
being with an unenthusiastic partner made it very hard to orgasm...it got to the point where i would get MYSELF off during foreplay and then he would have sex with me.
communication is the biggest part of any sexual problem. he needs to meet you halfway (watch the language though..."demand"?) he needs to know how important this is to you, before more resentment builds.
posted by virginia_clemm at 8:36 AM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
The way you write this makes it sound like deep down you fear that he doesn't care about your orgasm and pleasure, or he'd have done more to fix this. That can be really hard on a relationship.
If your drive is higher than his, great! Can you guys have a few sessions that are all about the foreplay-type activities for You, to see if that makes a difference? Instead of making it about getting you to orgasm (too much pressure), make it that it's just all about his taking his time to pleasure you, no pressure on him to have sex. If he does end up wanting to have sex, great, awesome... and then he goes back to pleasuring you until you want him to stop. Or he participates while you masturbate. Whatever it takes to reintegrate him into your orgasms.
posted by ldthomps at 8:54 AM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
If your drive is higher than his, great! Can you guys have a few sessions that are all about the foreplay-type activities for You, to see if that makes a difference? Instead of making it about getting you to orgasm (too much pressure), make it that it's just all about his taking his time to pleasure you, no pressure on him to have sex. If he does end up wanting to have sex, great, awesome... and then he goes back to pleasuring you until you want him to stop. Or he participates while you masturbate. Whatever it takes to reintegrate him into your orgasms.
posted by ldthomps at 8:54 AM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
Use toys with your husband.
posted by coolguymichael at 10:06 AM on June 16, 2011
posted by coolguymichael at 10:06 AM on June 16, 2011
If masturbation is still working fine, you might want to involve your husband in it on days when he isn't up for sex. Have him hold you while you touch yourself. He can kiss you, do foreplay type stuff, maybe even join in if he's up for it, or you can just be close. That might help take some of the pressure off of him and make you feel like he's a more active part of your sex life.
posted by zug at 11:21 AM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by zug at 11:21 AM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
We both fully acknowledge that my drive is much higher than his, but we try to work with what we have. So, if I''m lucky, we may have sex twice a week. (This is something my spouse is working on.)
I deal with the fact that a lot of my sexual interests don't mesh with his, and some of your basic titillation tactics (dirty talk, sex somewhere outside of the bedroom) haven't taken hold. The foreplay is great, but he does get too impatient to get right to intercourse, when I want it to last longer because, frankly, that's the only thing doing it for me at the moment.
Do I demand that we vary things a lot more so I will be able to enjoy it too? Or should we seek couples therapy to unlock my husband's inner bad boy?
I get that you are not climaxing, and that IS a big deal, and why you are asking this question.
But it seems like there are some really serious issues here, mainly about how you feel about your husband's lack of experience and his approach to sex.
You say things like, "If I'm lucky," or "I deal with" this issue or that. Sounds like some resentment there. Also seems like you are putting all the responsibility for your not climaxing onto him, and that hardly seems fair, or productive.
For instance, you say that your partner is 'working on' having sex more frequently. We often see posts on Mefi where the low libido partner feels pressured by the high libido partner. Are you sensitive to his feelings? Have you considered that he might not be so "rushed" if you had sex less often? I'm just saying, I'm not seeing a willingness to compromise here on your part. Just the assumption that he has the problem (though there is nothing in your post to indicate that his libido has changed since the beginning of the relationship).
You say he hasn't unleashed his 'inner bad boy'. Does he feel comfortable and open enough to do that with you? That's not something that happens overnight (and I say this as a liberal woman married to a raised-on-guilt Catholic guy). I'm also not sure I understand what you mean when you say the 'basic titillation tactics' 'haven't taken hold'. Are you initiating these or suggesting them to him or what?
Ultimately, your sexual needs are not being met. And normally I would suggest frank, open communication with your husband about what you specifically need for that to happen. Tell him, show him, etc.
But in your case I would add that needs to happen without all the judgment I'm seeing in this post. In other words, I'd say, "That is not working for me. Can we try this instead?" Not, "Why aren't you doing this? You always do that. I demand this!"
You have more experience than your partner, and I think you are impatient and frustrated because of that, and it's coming through loud and clear. Try putting yourself in his place, and exploring how your frustration might be making him feel. Because I agree that a good sex life is important to a relationship, and effort and compromise on BOTH parts is what makes that happen.
posted by misha at 11:37 AM on June 16, 2011 [6 favorites]
I deal with the fact that a lot of my sexual interests don't mesh with his, and some of your basic titillation tactics (dirty talk, sex somewhere outside of the bedroom) haven't taken hold. The foreplay is great, but he does get too impatient to get right to intercourse, when I want it to last longer because, frankly, that's the only thing doing it for me at the moment.
Do I demand that we vary things a lot more so I will be able to enjoy it too? Or should we seek couples therapy to unlock my husband's inner bad boy?
I get that you are not climaxing, and that IS a big deal, and why you are asking this question.
But it seems like there are some really serious issues here, mainly about how you feel about your husband's lack of experience and his approach to sex.
You say things like, "If I'm lucky," or "I deal with" this issue or that. Sounds like some resentment there. Also seems like you are putting all the responsibility for your not climaxing onto him, and that hardly seems fair, or productive.
For instance, you say that your partner is 'working on' having sex more frequently. We often see posts on Mefi where the low libido partner feels pressured by the high libido partner. Are you sensitive to his feelings? Have you considered that he might not be so "rushed" if you had sex less often? I'm just saying, I'm not seeing a willingness to compromise here on your part. Just the assumption that he has the problem (though there is nothing in your post to indicate that his libido has changed since the beginning of the relationship).
You say he hasn't unleashed his 'inner bad boy'. Does he feel comfortable and open enough to do that with you? That's not something that happens overnight (and I say this as a liberal woman married to a raised-on-guilt Catholic guy). I'm also not sure I understand what you mean when you say the 'basic titillation tactics' 'haven't taken hold'. Are you initiating these or suggesting them to him or what?
Ultimately, your sexual needs are not being met. And normally I would suggest frank, open communication with your husband about what you specifically need for that to happen. Tell him, show him, etc.
But in your case I would add that needs to happen without all the judgment I'm seeing in this post. In other words, I'd say, "That is not working for me. Can we try this instead?" Not, "Why aren't you doing this? You always do that. I demand this!"
You have more experience than your partner, and I think you are impatient and frustrated because of that, and it's coming through loud and clear. Try putting yourself in his place, and exploring how your frustration might be making him feel. Because I agree that a good sex life is important to a relationship, and effort and compromise on BOTH parts is what makes that happen.
posted by misha at 11:37 AM on June 16, 2011 [6 favorites]
Have you tried pretty much just jumping him in say the living room or the dining room?
Try teasing him all day first . See if those help both of you.
I find that if i am not horny and my wife is if she keeps teasing me i will get horny pretty quickly.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:50 AM on June 16, 2011
Try teasing him all day first . See if those help both of you.
I find that if i am not horny and my wife is if she keeps teasing me i will get horny pretty quickly.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:50 AM on June 16, 2011
Seconding Misha's entire response.....
The only times demands are typically made are during hostage situations. And make no mistake: You are making demands...you want him to be something he obviously is not. That will cause nothing but resentment.
posted by PsuDab93 at 12:52 PM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
The only times demands are typically made are during hostage situations. And make no mistake: You are making demands...you want him to be something he obviously is not. That will cause nothing but resentment.
posted by PsuDab93 at 12:52 PM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to second involving him with masturbation. It sounds like there's a certain amount of tension around sex in general and him being unable to bring you to orgasm specifically; Having pressure free time in bed can help ease that quite a bit.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:48 PM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:48 PM on June 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I find that having more orgasms makes me have easier orgasms. Masturbate quite a bit for a couple of weeks and see if things get easier.
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
The suggestions to masturbate more or use toys are all well and good, but really, this is a marriage problem, not a sex problem.
You do things X way, he does things Y way, and you're not finding a way to bridge the gap.
I'd bet $50 that there are other parts of your life where you're having similar difficulties--different approaches, different hopes and expectations, difficulty bridging the gap.
Take it seriously and do whatever you need to do to nip it in the bud. Go to marriage counseling and find a way to make it work. I'll bet you'll find out LOTS of new and surprising things along the way that will help you in the long run. Why can't he cut loose? Why do you place as much emphasis as you do on an adventurous sex life? (Note that the last is not at all intended to judge--instead, think about figuring out why *you* prioritize that so much more highly than your spouse.) Best of luck.
posted by Sublimity at 10:44 AM on June 17, 2011
You do things X way, he does things Y way, and you're not finding a way to bridge the gap.
I'd bet $50 that there are other parts of your life where you're having similar difficulties--different approaches, different hopes and expectations, difficulty bridging the gap.
Take it seriously and do whatever you need to do to nip it in the bud. Go to marriage counseling and find a way to make it work. I'll bet you'll find out LOTS of new and surprising things along the way that will help you in the long run. Why can't he cut loose? Why do you place as much emphasis as you do on an adventurous sex life? (Note that the last is not at all intended to judge--instead, think about figuring out why *you* prioritize that so much more highly than your spouse.) Best of luck.
posted by Sublimity at 10:44 AM on June 17, 2011
Seconding zug and Narrative Priorities: one of the loveliest and most intimate things to do in situations like this is to have him hold you while you masturbate to orgasm. He doesn't have to be up for sex, he just has to care about you and your enjoyment. This is a lot more fun than masturbating alone.
posted by westerly at 10:53 AM on June 17, 2011
posted by westerly at 10:53 AM on June 17, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:13 AM on June 16, 2011 [6 favorites]