Is it normal to dislike your boyfriend at times? (Or girlfriend, or husband, any SO...)
posted by anonymous to human relations (40 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I'm 43, he's 40. We are at the three year dating mark. In a LDR whole time, but that is changing soon as we will be moving in together (and marriage soon thereafter). We've managed the LD pretty well, also. But my question refers to the fact that there have been a couple of times recently that it occured to me that I didn't like him at that point. I could be jumping to conclusions, whereas, I really don't just like something he said, rather than just not liking HIM. (Is it just semantics?)
Some important things to note:
--we've both been working a lot, and under a little extra pressure with deadlines and such
--both of us hate talking on the phone, but we sincerely try to make the best of it and "let each other off the hook" when one of us isn't up to talking
--when I want/need to discuss something on the heavy side (not always relationship talk, but sometimes I just want to "check in" with him and tend to us without getting too heavy because he'll tend to withhold when he thinks we are going in that direction), he tends to more and more "jokingly" tell me how I think too much or how serious I am in such a way that it's turning me completely off to even approach him about anything
For example, today, we were talking about our work day, and how busy we are and how much we hate it when there is no food in our house(s); we end up grabbing fast food, eating bad, etc. rather than spend the energy to go grocery shopping (we both feel this way). I've been better about breaking this habit than him, not that I gloat about it or anything Since I know that when schedules are hectic, it's *ideal* to try to at least grab something on the healthy side and try to stay away from McD's, if at all possible. So, ALL I said to him was "ok, NOT to sound like a mother, but as a caring girlfriend who cares for you and is looking out for you, when days are like that, I try to eat as healthy as possible, and drink as much water as possible, simply to help keep the energy up as much as possible." That's all. I said this because he always complains about feeling tired and having no energy (before the heavy workload, too), and this dude can put down some sweet tea like nobody's business (other than coffee, basically all he drinks), and he'll grab bad food most times, he smokes, has ADHD (wherever that might play a role), and he does not get any regular exercise.
Soooo, I know he knows he should eat healthy, I just said it out of a gentle, loving reminder and out of simply caring about him. Ok, and I even made a joke about me giving "unsolicited advice".
His reply: "ANY type of UNSOLICITED ADVICE goes 100% back to what my FATHER does!!" (FYI, he has a very strained relationship with his father, and yes, his father is well-known for his "lectures" and "unsolicited advice" and boyfriend hates it, understandably).
So what I am to do? Not EVER, EVER give gentle reminders or bits of advice or whatever again in our lives together, because I'll be damned if I remind him of his father!? I told him I'm jus tlooking out for him and I don't mean it in a bad way at all. But his response felt a little over the top towards me. Even after I tried a little damage control, he still had his defenses up and even made another remark about it (can't remember exaclty). But damn.
I don't know, maybe the work strain is just wearing on us both. I do tend to feel more sensitive about things in general than him, (which he'll point out how sensitive I am, and not in a complimentary kind of way, either).
Is this a phase that all relationships go through? Neither of us have been married, but some long term relationships. If you go through this in a marriage, how in the hell do you get back to "normal". Am I making too much out of this? How do you let these things just roll off your back and make sure you are truly picking the right issues to be concerned about? Is couples counseling in order? I've brought that up before to him; we never went.
Thank you for reading!