Pint of ice cream, here I come!
April 11, 2007 3:21 PM Subscribe
Relationship Filter: How do I stop myself from tallying stuff up then try to make myself dismiss it because I don't want to make our relationship into a scorecard but not being sucessful and end up feeling confused and emotional? And how do I talk about it with my boyfriend?
posted by spec80 to human relations (25 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Please forgive the word/grammar vomit I am about to unleash. Run on sentences hoooooo!
I am in a long distance relationship. I live in New York and he lives in Chicago. It is also my first relationship (it is not his first) and we have been dating for about 11 months. We are both in our mid-20s.
What prompted me to post was a call from my father. He said he doesn't think I should go to Chicago as often as I do because I shouldn't spend so much on going over there and because I will (or would be) treated as having less dignity. On one hand, flying over to see him makes me happy. On the other hand, he has my best interest at heart. I know that he doesn't want me to be taken advantage of, also, I'm inferring that he sees me visiting him so frequently as unseemly.
The reckless teenage rebel in me wants to be dismissive, but looking back at all my parents' advice and talks, they more often than not DID know better and I'm not going to cast away an observation made out of love because I want to be all "but he's my booooyyyyfrrriiieeend."
I've flown to see my boyfriend at least a dozen times. He has come to NY 4 times. Two times with his friend (one time for a music festival, the other time to apartment search because they both plan on moving here and being roommates).
We did talk about this last November because I got really upset because I was jealous because his friend was there (this was his first visit to me). What I got out of our talk was that when we usually see each other, I'm so used to having all his attention and it really threw me when his friend (that he does sees rarely) was with us. And the reason why he hadn't come to NY was because he works as a freelance programmer and all his programs and work is on his home computer and his laptop, which at that point he had recently got, wasn't ready to be a reliable alternative for him to travel and be productive. Plus, one of his roommates is his business partner.
The talk made me feel a lot better and we do communicate well and openly.
Also, I tend to invest time and money in holiday/birthday gifts (see 2 of my past questions) and random presents (i.e. aveda shampoo/conditioner - he used mine during a vacation and he liked it, kiehl's shaving cream - I got him a sample when I was getting myself something and he liked it). I know I'm the type of person to get my friends random gifts because it makes me and them happy. But since he's my boyfriend, not only that, my FIRST boyfriend, I know I've been going b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
I feel that if I were a guy, I wouldn't have a problem with this, nor would my dad. I feel that I look desperate but then I think I shouldn't care about how I look, but how I feel. There's a part of me that wants to overanalyze everything and there's a part of me that wants to proceed balls out and, worst case scenario, if we break up, I get hurt, accept it, learn from it and appreciate the experience. I want to talk to him about this without crying because I'm not emotionally brave enough. I want to keep seeing him when I want to without hiding from my parents that I'll be flying over this or that weekend.
My mind is all jumbled and I don't know how to express myself to my parents or my boyfriend without sounding like a flaky, emotional basketcase that rambles on without a point (like I feel I am doing now).