I'm not an alien; people just confuse me
March 24, 2011 11:28 PM Subscribe
He texted, but didn't ask me out. Is this a bad sign?
Met a guy the other day, he gave me his number and I texted him a day later.
Today (2 days after our last conversation), he texts at lunch and asks my plans for the weekend and exchanged a few messages. I thought he was going to ask me out, but no...
Basically, I'm really confused by the purpose of his text today. I guess I'm just looking for some insight and perspective from other people. I know I wouldn't text people without there being a purpose behind it, but maybe I'm the odd one out...?
Met a guy the other day, he gave me his number and I texted him a day later.
Today (2 days after our last conversation), he texts at lunch and asks my plans for the weekend and exchanged a few messages. I thought he was going to ask me out, but no...
Basically, I'm really confused by the purpose of his text today. I guess I'm just looking for some insight and perspective from other people. I know I wouldn't text people without there being a purpose behind it, but maybe I'm the odd one out...?
he texts at lunch and asks my plans for the weekend and exchanged a few messages. I thought he was going to ask me out, but no...
What was your answer to his question about your plans for the weekend? Is there any chance he got the impression you already had plans and that's why he didn't ask you out?
posted by amyms at 11:40 PM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
What was your answer to his question about your plans for the weekend? Is there any chance he got the impression you already had plans and that's why he didn't ask you out?
posted by amyms at 11:40 PM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
Maybe he asked you about your weekend plans because he was hoping you would give him a vague answer/opening: "Not much, want to do something?" Did you do that? Or maybe he was briefly bored at work and has no intention of hanging out with you. Either way, you can clear everything up by calling him and asking him out, if you would indeed like to go out with him.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:43 PM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by charmedimsure at 11:43 PM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
He's a flake for 2 reasons.
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
2. He didn't end up asking you out! So rude. Why did he bother?
Wait. I think I know the answer to that...
When he texts you late nite sometime soon for a booty call, I hope you have the good sense to delete without replying. Please.
posted by jbenben at 11:49 PM on March 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
2. He didn't end up asking you out! So rude. Why did he bother?
Wait. I think I know the answer to that...
When he texts you late nite sometime soon for a booty call, I hope you have the good sense to delete without replying. Please.
posted by jbenben at 11:49 PM on March 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I said that I was having dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow as well.
Ok, this is really helpful! Totally didn't think in that direction for some reason.
posted by moomootown at 11:53 PM on March 24, 2011
Ok, this is really helpful! Totally didn't think in that direction for some reason.
posted by moomootown at 11:53 PM on March 24, 2011
Yeah, I think he thinks you're otherwise engaged. Ball is in your court if you want to see him this weekend.
posted by mleigh at 11:54 PM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by mleigh at 11:54 PM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
He asked what you were doing this weekend and you said you were busy without suggesting an alternate date? He thinks you blew him off.
posted by ewiar at 11:58 PM on March 24, 2011 [29 favorites]
posted by ewiar at 11:58 PM on March 24, 2011 [29 favorites]
"I said that I was having dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow as well."
Argh! Why didn't you say you replied by telling him you were busy? Geez.
(although, I still think phone calls are better for the first few dates...)
posted by jbenben at 12:10 AM on March 25, 2011
Argh! Why didn't you say you replied by telling him you were busy? Geez.
(although, I still think phone calls are better for the first few dates...)
posted by jbenben at 12:10 AM on March 25, 2011
Yeah, he was seeing if it was possible to ask you out the weekend. You indicated it wasn't.
Next time indicate you'd like to spend some time with him.
posted by Ookseer at 12:16 AM on March 25, 2011
Next time indicate you'd like to spend some time with him.
posted by Ookseer at 12:16 AM on March 25, 2011
Response by poster: I thought the "maybe" part would suggest I was free if he asked. But I see your point and will try to be less thick in the future. (Also, what about lunch or coffee?)
posted by moomootown at 12:17 AM on March 25, 2011
posted by moomootown at 12:17 AM on March 25, 2011
I tend to answer questions directly and if a guy wanted to ask me out I'd find the question, "What are your plans this weekend?" to be annoying/misleading. The question gives one pressure to come up with a response; it already assumes you are doing something. If you answer, "nothing much", then you might seem boring.
So I agree he might have been feeling you out but I think it's much better for him just to ask directly. That in combination with the texting may mean he's passive and wishy/washy, and/or taking in all this options...
posted by bearette at 12:19 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
So I agree he might have been feeling you out but I think it's much better for him just to ask directly. That in combination with the texting may mean he's passive and wishy/washy, and/or taking in all this options...
posted by bearette at 12:19 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm no expert on this stuff, but he gave you his number, and you texted him. Why haven't you asked him out?
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:24 AM on March 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:24 AM on March 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
he texts at lunch and asks my plans for the weekend
This is him putting out feelers.
I said that I was having dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow as well.
This is you shutting him down.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:46 AM on March 25, 2011 [28 favorites]
This is him putting out feelers.
I said that I was having dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow as well.
This is you shutting him down.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:46 AM on March 25, 2011 [28 favorites]
(Also, what about lunch or coffee?)
Seriously, do you want to see the guy or not? If yes, quit asking random strangers to figure out he means and ask him if he wants to have lunch or coffee. You know his number, go for it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:49 AM on March 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Seriously, do you want to see the guy or not? If yes, quit asking random strangers to figure out he means and ask him if he wants to have lunch or coffee. You know his number, go for it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:49 AM on March 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
If you answer, "nothing much", then you might seem boring.
What? No.
For future reference: When answering the question Any plans for the weekend? (translation: Are you available to go on a date this weekend?), your options are as follows:
1. "Nothing much." = Yes, I am available. You may ask me out now.
2. "I have plans." = No, I am not available and/or not interested. Do not ask me out.
3. "I might be doing something." = Syntax Error. Abort, Retry, Fail?
posted by Sys Rq at 2:55 AM on March 25, 2011 [13 favorites]
What? No.
For future reference: When answering the question Any plans for the weekend? (translation: Are you available to go on a date this weekend?), your options are as follows:
1. "Nothing much." = Yes, I am available. You may ask me out now.
2. "I have plans." = No, I am not available and/or not interested. Do not ask me out.
3. "I might be doing something." = Syntax Error. Abort, Retry, Fail?
posted by Sys Rq at 2:55 AM on March 25, 2011 [13 favorites]
Just for the future, a good way to respond in this situation when you have plans is like this:
Him: What are you doing this weekend?
You: I might have x plans, what about you?
Him: Ah, nm...blah blah
Then, he'll ask you to do something. If he doesn't ask, say:
"Well I'd like to get together, call me so we can plan something." Or if you really can't make it work ask for something when you're available.
You don't need to make it complicated. Easy, simple, direct, open. You things when you want instead of wondering what happened.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:57 AM on March 25, 2011
Him: What are you doing this weekend?
You: I might have x plans, what about you?
Him: Ah, nm...blah blah
Then, he'll ask you to do something. If he doesn't ask, say:
"Well I'd like to get together, call me so we can plan something." Or if you really can't make it work ask for something when you're available.
You don't need to make it complicated. Easy, simple, direct, open. You things when you want instead of wondering what happened.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:57 AM on March 25, 2011
Actually, the proper response to "What are you doing this weekend?" if you want to go out with him is to not answer the stated question but answer the implied question. "This weekend? Hey would you like to meet me for lunch on Saturday at the brunch place downtown?" This way you set up a date and don't have to tell him you are busy the other two nights.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:03 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:03 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Dude, you've gotta be kidding me! If I asked a woman what she was up to this weekend and she said she had dinner plans tonight and maybe tomorrow I'd think she was straight up blowing me off.
Him: What are you doing this weekend?
You: I might have x plans, what about you?
Him: Ah, nm...blah blah
WTF? No, if you want him to ask you out, say "No solid plans made yet, what about you?" or better yet, "No plans yet, you want to get together?"
What is with these weird games people play? Are we afraid we're not gonna look cool if we don't have plans? You told him you had dinner plans both nights and you're wondering why he's not striving to impose himself into your weekend?
posted by windbox at 4:14 AM on March 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Him: What are you doing this weekend?
You: I might have x plans, what about you?
Him: Ah, nm...blah blah
WTF? No, if you want him to ask you out, say "No solid plans made yet, what about you?" or better yet, "No plans yet, you want to get together?"
What is with these weird games people play? Are we afraid we're not gonna look cool if we don't have plans? You told him you had dinner plans both nights and you're wondering why he's not striving to impose himself into your weekend?
posted by windbox at 4:14 AM on March 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
What is with these weird games people play?
Well, I guess I'm just weird then but when someone asks me what I'm doing for the weekend....I tell them my plans? If you want to ask a girl out, why not just ask? To me, an indirect questions feels like a game, but I guess I'm just awkward....and have missed a lot of dating oportunies :/
posted by bearette at 5:08 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well, I guess I'm just weird then but when someone asks me what I'm doing for the weekend....I tell them my plans? If you want to ask a girl out, why not just ask? To me, an indirect questions feels like a game, but I guess I'm just awkward....and have missed a lot of dating oportunies :/
posted by bearette at 5:08 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, telling someone you might have plans is just about the absolute worst way to indicate interest in a date short of saying "don't bother me". I guess I don't understand why if you were free to do something with him you would say you might have plans? It sounds like playing head games.
If you want to go out, call him and say you shuffled some stuff around and freed up Saturday if he wants to go out. That's how you know if he wants to go out. By asking him if he wants to go out.
posted by Justinian at 5:14 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you want to go out, call him and say you shuffled some stuff around and freed up Saturday if he wants to go out. That's how you know if he wants to go out. By asking him if he wants to go out.
posted by Justinian at 5:14 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
This is really not true, any more.
posted by empath at 7:02 AM on March 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is really not true, any more.
posted by empath at 7:02 AM on March 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Btw, I wouldn't overly stress on this. A guy is not always going to think you're blowing him off because you told him you had plans friday and saturday. He might think you were just busy.
Send him a text message. Or if you really want to show interest, text him while you're actually at the place you had plans for this weekend saying you're bored or wished you didn't have to be there or something.
posted by empath at 7:05 AM on March 25, 2011
Send him a text message. Or if you really want to show interest, text him while you're actually at the place you had plans for this weekend saying you're bored or wished you didn't have to be there or something.
posted by empath at 7:05 AM on March 25, 2011
I'm sorry.... He waits until Friday to ask "whether you have plans" for this weekend? Many people would by now, so he leaves it to you to either answer truthfully (right?) that you do have plans or try to interpret and guess what he was really asking? I'm not impressed.
Now if he had said, "Hey I'd really like to take you to dinner this weekend, are you free?" or at least "Hey do you want to get together this weekend?" you could then have answered his real (we assume) question. Maybe one of the dinners is up-in-the-air. Maybe unbeknownst to him you would have cancelled or rearranged your existing plans. But now what are you left to do?
I think he's either a wuss, or he was indeed "putting out feelers" to see whether, if he can't come up with any better plans, you'll be available as a backup.
posted by thebazilist at 7:38 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Now if he had said, "Hey I'd really like to take you to dinner this weekend, are you free?" or at least "Hey do you want to get together this weekend?" you could then have answered his real (we assume) question. Maybe one of the dinners is up-in-the-air. Maybe unbeknownst to him you would have cancelled or rearranged your existing plans. But now what are you left to do?
I think he's either a wuss, or he was indeed "putting out feelers" to see whether, if he can't come up with any better plans, you'll be available as a backup.
posted by thebazilist at 7:38 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
He texted, but didn't ask me out.
He tried to. You shot him down.
posted by rokusan at 8:20 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
He tried to. You shot him down.
posted by rokusan at 8:20 AM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you like him, why don't you ask him out?
Sounds to me like he was fishing for a "I don't have anything going on" type of answer from you so he could ask you out. He likely didn't want to hear a rejection, regardless of the legitimacy of the reason.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:52 AM on March 25, 2011
Sounds to me like he was fishing for a "I don't have anything going on" type of answer from you so he could ask you out. He likely didn't want to hear a rejection, regardless of the legitimacy of the reason.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:52 AM on March 25, 2011
I'm sorry.... He waits until Friday to ask "whether you have plans" for this weekend? Many people would by now, so he leaves it to you to either answer truthfully (right?) that you do have plans or try to interpret and guess what he was really asking? I'm not impressed.
Some guys are shy and/or can't handle rejection and/or are socially awkward and that doesn't make them bad people.
posted by empath at 10:02 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some guys are shy and/or can't handle rejection and/or are socially awkward and that doesn't make them bad people.
posted by empath at 10:02 AM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some guys are shy and/or can't handle rejection and/or are socially awkward and that doesn't make them bad people.
It absolutely does not make them bad people. But it doesn't make their shyness/fear of rejection/social-awkwardness the OP's problem, either. She shouldn't feel like she did a wrong thing by not answering his question "correctly."
posted by thebazilist at 10:25 AM on March 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
It absolutely does not make them bad people. But it doesn't make their shyness/fear of rejection/social-awkwardness the OP's problem, either. She shouldn't feel like she did a wrong thing by not answering his question "correctly."
posted by thebazilist at 10:25 AM on March 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
She shouldn't feel like she did a wrong thing by not answering his question "correctly."
Again, what does she want to do? Does she want to go out with him? Then she needs to communicate that or decided whether it's worth the trouble.
Getting back to the original questions "Is this a bad sign," yeah it potentially is because the two of them don't seem to be communicate well and it's creating minor problems when there's no need for one. Both of them seem to expect people to behave as they would in a situation, which is fine, if they think alike. But they don't. That doesn't sound good for a relationship.
I'd say give a call and go with him, see what happens, mention the communication snafu and see if ya'll can learn to talk and understand those "between the lines" things that pop up in any relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:41 AM on March 25, 2011
Again, what does she want to do? Does she want to go out with him? Then she needs to communicate that or decided whether it's worth the trouble.
Getting back to the original questions "Is this a bad sign," yeah it potentially is because the two of them don't seem to be communicate well and it's creating minor problems when there's no need for one. Both of them seem to expect people to behave as they would in a situation, which is fine, if they think alike. But they don't. That doesn't sound good for a relationship.
I'd say give a call and go with him, see what happens, mention the communication snafu and see if ya'll can learn to talk and understand those "between the lines" things that pop up in any relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:41 AM on March 25, 2011
Holy god, y'all.. she just MET him 2 days ago. They don't have a 'communication problem'. They've barely communicated!
posted by empath at 10:43 AM on March 25, 2011
posted by empath at 10:43 AM on March 25, 2011
He's a flake for 2 reasons.
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
NIMHO.
2. He didn't end up asking you out! So rude. Why did he bother?
He pretty much did in a non-confrontational sort of causual shy way. I've been asked out this same way about 90% of the time.
I mean, it was pretty obvious that he was asking the OP out. But then the OP said she had dinner plans for the next two nights (which to me, indicates she has dates all weekend).
I totally would have stop texted and just figured they were involved with other people or just not interested.
posted by KogeLiz at 11:34 AM on March 25, 2011
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
NIMHO.
2. He didn't end up asking you out! So rude. Why did he bother?
He pretty much did in a non-confrontational sort of causual shy way. I've been asked out this same way about 90% of the time.
I mean, it was pretty obvious that he was asking the OP out. But then the OP said she had dinner plans for the next two nights (which to me, indicates she has dates all weekend).
I totally would have stop texted and just figured they were involved with other people or just not interested.
posted by KogeLiz at 11:34 AM on March 25, 2011
1. Asking for a first date over text is kinda no good. You want someone to phone and show up a few times before treating you so casually, IMHO.
This is really not true, any more.
This is especially not true considering he gave OP his number, and she texted him first (instead of calling). Texting was thus established as the primary form of communication.
Nthing he was putting out feelers on asking you out by asking about your plans, and took your response as disinterest (either because you really had plans or as a polite brush off). While a little passive, it definitely speaks more to shyness than to rudeness, to me. You should respond with a "how about we get together next weekend" or something similar if you are interested.
posted by Roommate at 11:39 AM on March 25, 2011
This is really not true, any more.
This is especially not true considering he gave OP his number, and she texted him first (instead of calling). Texting was thus established as the primary form of communication.
Nthing he was putting out feelers on asking you out by asking about your plans, and took your response as disinterest (either because you really had plans or as a polite brush off). While a little passive, it definitely speaks more to shyness than to rudeness, to me. You should respond with a "how about we get together next weekend" or something similar if you are interested.
posted by Roommate at 11:39 AM on March 25, 2011
The culture on AskMe tends to favor extreme clarity of communication (ex - frequently advising people to use the word "date" when asking people out). This is not a bad thing, of course, but it does sometimes lead to people unfairly condemning perfectly normal social scripts that lots of people manage to use successfully as though they were instances of inexcusable and manipulative game-playing. I suppose it would be nice if people said exactly what they meant 100% of the time, but that's not the world we live in. "What are your plans for the weekend?" is a perfectly fine way to ask someone out - the way you say yes to it is to indicate that your plans are either flexible or that one of your nights is free. If you're genuinely busy both nights, you say what you're doing, then specifically suggest getting together another time. Moomootown - it's totally fine that you missed it - you should feel free to do that last part now, "hey, I'm super busy this weekend but we should hang out next weekend."
As for lunch or coffee, lots of people like their first dates to involve alcohol, so that rules those out, unless he has a drinking problem.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:17 PM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
As for lunch or coffee, lots of people like their first dates to involve alcohol, so that rules those out, unless he has a drinking problem.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:17 PM on March 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
A relevant Steven Pinker video on the utility of indirect language
posted by empath at 12:20 PM on March 25, 2011
posted by empath at 12:20 PM on March 25, 2011
Asking you for your weekend plans seems pretty direct to me. He *was* asking you out. If I asked a lady about her plans and got the response you gave him, I would read it as "not only am I not free tonight, but I'm not free on other nights either."
You seem to have two broad options now. Ask him out yourself, or, if you're the type of gal who wants to be asked/pursued, which is totally fine, you might have to send him a text or call him up and somehow subtly mention that the dinners you referenced were not dates. Maybe a funny story about how one of your dinner companions were annoying or the place where you ate was terrible.
Because if it were me on the other end, unless I was really nutty about you, I'd move on, unless I got some signal from you that you were unattached and found me attractive/interesting. Good luck!
posted by Philemon at 12:33 PM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
You seem to have two broad options now. Ask him out yourself, or, if you're the type of gal who wants to be asked/pursued, which is totally fine, you might have to send him a text or call him up and somehow subtly mention that the dinners you referenced were not dates. Maybe a funny story about how one of your dinner companions were annoying or the place where you ate was terrible.
Because if it were me on the other end, unless I was really nutty about you, I'd move on, unless I got some signal from you that you were unattached and found me attractive/interesting. Good luck!
posted by Philemon at 12:33 PM on March 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Coming from someone who is rather shy:
When I first start talking to a girl I like to try and test the waters first with a
Hey what are you doing this weekend type message/text. It lets me know what you are up to without embarrassing myself. Sometimes getting the courage to ask someone out is harder than it seems.
When you mentioned that you had dinner plans both days that right there would "scare" me off until next week.
You could invite him to one of these dinner plans and then say your friend couldn't make it. Instant date without either of you asking... TADA!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 12:47 PM on March 25, 2011
When I first start talking to a girl I like to try and test the waters first with a
Hey what are you doing this weekend type message/text. It lets me know what you are up to without embarrassing myself. Sometimes getting the courage to ask someone out is harder than it seems.
When you mentioned that you had dinner plans both days that right there would "scare" me off until next week.
You could invite him to one of these dinner plans and then say your friend couldn't make it. Instant date without either of you asking... TADA!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 12:47 PM on March 25, 2011
When he texts you late nite sometime soon for a booty call, I hope you have the good sense to delete without replying. Please.
For the love of god, reply and then delete.
He may be an ass (should he do that), but even asses have feelings. People generally tend to get concerned when other people just disappear from contact without so much as a "thanks, but go fuck yourself".
posted by gjc at 4:09 PM on March 25, 2011
For the love of god, reply and then delete.
He may be an ass (should he do that), but even asses have feelings. People generally tend to get concerned when other people just disappear from contact without so much as a "thanks, but go fuck yourself".
posted by gjc at 4:09 PM on March 25, 2011
This is also why I hate invitations that begin with "what are you doing on the 18th?" If I say "nothing" or don't want to share what I am doing, then I have no way to say "no" without flat out rejecting. Have the confidence to ask what you are asking- "would you like to go to dinner this weekend"- and let the invitee wiggle out of it the way they want to. The more leeway you give to people you are asking questions of, the nicer you are.
posted by gjc at 4:23 PM on March 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by gjc at 4:23 PM on March 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
moomootown: " (Also, what about lunch or coffee?)"
I don't know about you but man, I don't want to go to a restaurant for lunch and then another one for dinner. I don't know many people who would. Way too much food.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:34 PM on March 25, 2011
I don't know about you but man, I don't want to go to a restaurant for lunch and then another one for dinner. I don't know many people who would. Way too much food.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:34 PM on March 25, 2011
Response by poster: Wow, I honestly didn't expect so many responses. I was just hoping for a little reassurance, I think.
Anyway, an update!
He rang me yesterday and we were supposed to go for coffee but ended up having dinner instead. (So I guess everyone's happy? Lol.)
posted by moomootown at 6:17 PM on March 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Anyway, an update!
He rang me yesterday and we were supposed to go for coffee but ended up having dinner instead. (So I guess everyone's happy? Lol.)
posted by moomootown at 6:17 PM on March 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by moomootown at 11:35 PM on March 24, 2011