How much is too much when trying to ask a girl out on a date?
May 13, 2013 9:10 AM   Subscribe

I met a girl at a party and things were going well until I started acting desperate. What can I do to get the situation under control?

I met this girl at a party who seem pretty cool and we talked a lot when we first met there. This was a going away party for a friend who was leaving for good and she is a friend of a friend of mine. So anyways, we both had couple of drinks before we parted on our different ways. While one of her friend was driving her home that night, she texted my friend and told her that I was "nice". So my friend tells me that and gets me her number (I was stupid enough to not ask for her number that night before she left the party).

Anyways, the next day we texted each other all day and seemed we "clicked". So that same day, I asked her if she would want to go out to movies with me and she agreed and said we can go later in the week. Next morning, I texted her hey and if she's got any plans and she replied good morning. And that's all I heard from her that day.

I texted her today with good morning again she she said the same thing. And I asked her when she's free so I can take her out. And she hasn't replied to that as well. I confronted with her that if she should let me know how she feels about this since we just met couple of days ago and I asked her out already. And she still hasn't responded. Or not sure if I handle this situation right.

I have never had a real girlfriend before and I have not told her that. Nor do I know how to approach a girl without looking "clingy". I also told her if she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with me then I'm fine with that but at least let me know how you feel. First day we were texting, she was replying fairly quickly. Now she takes hours or doesn't reply at all.

Should I have handled this situation any differently? What can I do now to make this situation better. How do you tell if the girl is playing games with you or not?
posted by Parh6512 to Human Relations (56 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
What can I do now to make this situation better.

Wait.
posted by baniak at 9:12 AM on May 13, 2013 [8 favorites]


I also told her if she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with me then I'm fine with that but at least let me know how you feel.

Generally speaking, you should hold off on "At least let me know how you feel" discussions until you've been on a few dates with the person.

What can I do now to make this situation better.

Really, the best thing you can do is to be patient. I'd give it several days, then text her back with a definite plan - "Do you want to go to (specific movie) on Friday evening?" Then she'll have something to respond to.
posted by dubold at 9:15 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Stop texting her "good morning." Just ask her if she wants to go out, and if she says yes, make plans. And then maybe contact her the day of to confirm, (like, "Look forward to seeing you at XYZ tonight!") but otherwise leave her alone.
posted by Asparagus at 9:15 AM on May 13, 2013 [13 favorites]


Well, leave it be and don't be THIS GUY.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:16 AM on May 13, 2013


I wouldn't say she was playing games with you (and if I were you I would never, within earshot of other women, accuse any girl of playing games with you since this will make you look immature and disrespectful). She lost interest because you came on too strong and created too much responsibility for her even though you'd only talked to her once. Next time, ask a girl out and then go on that date. You don't need to text good morning every morning. In fact, don't. Go on with the rest of your life and whatever keeps you busy during the day. A guy who's too interested too quickly is throwing up red flag after red flag, and we ladies avoid that as best we can.
posted by pineappleheart at 9:17 AM on May 13, 2013 [19 favorites]


It's over before it started. Move on. Sorry, dude, but this will happen repeatedly through everyone's lives, as some people just don't have the social skills to manage their own feelings and/or handle letting soneone one down gracefully. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could do. The sooner you learn this lesson, the happier you'll be.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:18 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


I confronted with her that if she should let me know how she feels about this since we just met couple of days ago and I asked her out already. And she still hasn't responded. Or not sure if I handle this situation right.

What I would be thinking if I were her: "Wow, this guy is going to be a lot of work. I will constantly have to reassure him that everything is okay between us. I really don't have the time or energy for that right now."

What you can do: Be totally cool. Don't ask your mutual friends about her. Wait at least a week and then come up with specific plans: "I'd still like to go out if you're available. How about seeing Star Trek on Friday at 7?" If she answers anything but "yes" or "no but I'm available on [other day]", completely cease contact.
posted by desjardins at 9:27 AM on May 13, 2013 [17 favorites]


It's not your fault, there was nothing you could do.

While it's not his "fault," and there's nothing he can do about this particular girl, there's PLENTY he can do differently in the future to make this all less fraught and ideally more fun.

Next time:

-get her number; suggest an actual date and time and place to meet. Not something two weeks away, something within a week of meeting.

-I'd suggest not going to a movie, that's no way to get to know someone. Coffee, lunch. Low pressure for a first date.

-And then LET IT GO until you check in, night before or morning of, to make sure the date is on.

If long texting convos happen, they happen, roll with them. But people have lives, man! They can't be texting you 24/7, plus that's mind-numbingly boring and probably costly. It is the EXCEPTION, not the rule for a dating situation.

I have never had a real girlfriend before


And you don't have one now, and you didn't last week. She ain't yo girlfriend, son. Don't put that on her when you haven't even been on a date.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:29 AM on May 13, 2013 [35 favorites]


How you might have handled this situation differently:

When she agreed that you two could go to the movies later that week, respond with, Great! I'll text you later with time and place.

As "later that week" approached, say, a day or 2 prior, text her with specific information: movie title (which you should have found out earlier in conversation), place, and two choices for timing.

If she is interested, she will pick one of these times, or offer a 3rd option. What she would not be, though, is feel hounded by someone who seems too interested in hanging out, yet has no solid plans of what to do, and leave so much decision up to her.

In the future, do not text just to say "good morning." Do not text to ask how she feels about you. You two do not yet have enough face-to-face relationship to sustain those kind of text conversations.

(This advice applies to anyone of any gender, who has greater desire to get a date than the other person.)

From her lack of response, I am sorry to say this window has closed. Better luck next time, my friend.
posted by enlivener at 9:33 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Never text angry! If you're feeling pissy or rejected or whatever, just sit on it. It'll either blow over or you can talk about it next time you talk in person. You were texting angry before the two of you even went on a real date! Unfortunately, I think that probably blew it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:34 AM on May 13, 2013 [11 favorites]


You shouldn't "confront" people you aren't in a relationship who aren't responding to your date requests to your liking. Give up on this one, it's probably not happening. If it does, it'll be a happy surprise.
posted by grouse at 9:34 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


If someone "confronted" me before our first date, there would be no first date. You don't get to bitch people out for not instantly responding to text messages; she doesn't owe you any response duration regardless of previous performance. This is true of any behavior you want and don't get. If you don't like the way she acts, drop it and move on.

Here's how you go out with people: ask them out for a specific time/place in the future. Not today, not tomorrow, but at a point where it is a plan.

On the day of that plan, you confirm once politely and positively. You go out.

If you end up chatting in between, that's nice. It's still just chat.

Probably the most important part of this answer is the part where she doesn't owe you anything, and you don't get to get all shirty with her if she doesn't act like you want. Essential reading that may be relevant to your situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on May 13, 2013 [21 favorites]


yeah, like_a_friend's advice is perfect. It's not that she doesn't have social skills, it's that you came on a little strong while also being vague and it might have weirded her out but she doesn't know how to back out without seeming rude.

You broke the "rules" in a way with the constant texting. No big, but don't do it again.
posted by sweetkid at 9:35 AM on May 13, 2013


To make what people are saying here into steps you can use in the future:

1) Get the girls number at the party yourself.
"Hey, do you have time this week to hang out? We could go do [x specific thing] on [x specific date]"
If she doesn't like you she'll say she is really busy without offering an alternative plan.

If successful with step 1, then:
2) Text the girl ONE TIME saying you had a good time at the party either that night or the next day
3) A day or two later, text the girl offering a specific activity on a specific day
Again, if she is not interested she will say she's busy and offer no alternative. Take the hint.

After that, you can initiate one or two more things, but then wait to see if she initiates something after that. Do not text her more than she texts you. Do not ALWAYS initiate the texting. Try to match her input.

I don't think it is appropriate to do anything other than take the hint if someone's level of interest changes unless you have explicitly defined that you are for real dating. If you haven't had that conversation, then you will only dig a hole deeper if you ask someone to explain why they no longer seem to be reciprocating.

Save the relationship history discussion for if you are nearing the "let's date for realzies" conversation. The chase phase of dating requires a lot of tact, but once you've got someone interested in you there is all kinds of room for getting into the nitty gritty vulnerabilities.

In the future: BE COOL MAN YOU CAN DO IT
posted by skrozidile at 9:37 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


I don't think it's likely that you can turn this one around. You'll really have to leave it. But next time, remember what happened, and try being specific and proactive with a date plan. It sounds a bit like you were putting the onus on her to come up with the plan, and mostly that's not going to fly with someone new. And skrozidile has said what I wanted to say about frequency of texting much better than I would have. Match input is well said.
posted by tomboko at 9:44 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I just received her text out of no where. She said, sorry and she's not intentionally ignoring me. She just had a bad weekend. She said she'll text me later when she gets free time.

When I look at the responses on this question, it makes me realize how much I was pushing her and pressuring her unintentionally without knowing it. I really have no game when it comes to chasing girl and not know how much is too much.

And thing I should say/not say when she does text me later on? I know I have already blew it at this point. I just want to make things clear and not appear too desperate.

As far as texting her "good morning", I generally use that to get the conversation going. But it seems like its better to not text much before the first date and save the conversation for face to face meeting.

To be honest, I was revolving around my phone the past couple of days when I was texting her and that's why I was expecting instant reply.
posted by Parh6512 at 9:51 AM on May 13, 2013


Seeing your update, I'd say that, if she texts you again, then suggest a specific date, like others have suggested. And then proceed as advised above.

If she doesn't text you again, then sorry, she was letting you down easy with her text just now. Drop it, and chalk it up to a life lesson. Don't keep chasing her (been there, done that, it's really embarrassing when I look back).

But don't beat yourself up too much. You didn't use the best approach, but at least you tried, and that takes some courage when you're not used to dating. There's been some great advice in this thread, learn from it and come back better next time.
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:54 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


After your update:

You need to apologize. Face to face if possible, if not over the phone. Just call tonight and say "sorry I got weird." Don't tie it in to going on a date, make the apology the point and then leave it at that. You don't get to "confront" someone for having a life outside of you when you've spent a grand total of 2 hours together. She's under no obligation to get back to you immediately, and only the mildest of ones to every get back to you at all.

Going forward: Treat the person you're asking on a date like a person. They exist outside of you. They're not your future wife, they're not THE ONE, they're not even your date yet. They're just not YOUR anything. What they are is someone who thought it'd be fun to spend a few hours with you.
posted by Gygesringtone at 9:59 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


To be honest, I was revolving around my phone the past couple of days when I was texting her and that's why I was expecting instant reply.


This is both completely normal and also totally crazypants. Lots of people get this way in dating situations, but the important thing is not to make your issues into her problem. Ever, really, but especially when you guys have zero relationship whatsoever.

As far as texting her "good morning", I generally use that to get the conversation going. But it seems like its better to not text much before the first date and save the conversation for face to face meeting.

Correct. But also, having one actual date does not mean NOW I SHALL TEXT ONE THOUSAND TIMES AND IT'S ALL GOOD. I have been seeing someone for several months and we're just now getting to the random "good morning" or "xoxo" types of texts. You're going to be excited and nervous and want answers LIKE NOW but you're just going to have to be a grownup and deal with it on your own, k?
posted by like_a_friend at 10:02 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Would like to reiterate the advice that you not contact her again until she contacts you because she already told you that's what she wanted. It would look even more weird and desperate to call or text before she contacts you, even if there is a voice in your head telling you that maybe she secretly wants you to do that.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 10:06 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]


You need to apologize.

I don't think you need to apologize for anything. This would just turn it into a bigger thing than it already is. If she texts you in the future, just go with it.
posted by benbenson at 10:22 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]


Yes, you were being too needy, and after your update you realized that, which is good.

If she contacts you again, make specific plans for a date. If she doesn't tell you she is not interested, but says she's busy and doesn't offer any alternative plans, she's not interested. Definitely don't say anything about knowing that you "blew it" with her, or ask her how she feels about you.

If you make plans to go on a date, don't text her about your feelings, don't text her good morning, about that funny thing that happened to you today, or really anything until the date.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and this girl. You chatted with her a bit, but you really don't know each other at all. It's entirely possible that even if you had handled things as coolly as possible, she would just realize she's not interested in you, or you might realize you're not that into her.

Oh, also if you do make date plans, pick something low key and low pressure. Don't make plans for something long, expensive, or elaborate. Get coffee or a drink.
posted by inertia at 10:24 AM on May 13, 2013


Response by poster: Here is another update:

She texted me back saying it was really nice knowing me the day we met and she just got out of a relationship not to long ago. And once things are straight in her and eases up the work schedule, she would like to hang out with me.

Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.
posted by Parh6512 at 10:25 AM on May 13, 2013


Back in the day, I was that guy with zero patience, staring at my mobile, thinking "Why haven't you replied to me?" Answer being, because she had, like, everything else to do.

Should I have handled this situation any differently?

You need to be, above all, relaxed and confident (not smug). And you need to give the appearance of being relaxed and confident, verbally, in body language, in actions. This will help you in the long game.

What can I do now to make this situation better.

It's probably irreparable. NO CONTACT for a while - longer than a week, say two or three. Then ask, in a relaxed and friendly way, if she'd like to come out for a coffee at {place} (good advice above; this is better than cinema).

If she says yes, go for it and during your coffee sincerely say "I was a bit of a jerk back then; sorry." and "Thanks for coming out today."

If she says no, or doesn't reply, then don't hassle. You will only gain a reputation for being the overbearing guy.

In the meantime, try chatting to other women in that relaxed, no hassle way (below).

How do you tell if the girl [or guy] is playing games with you or not?

Go to the library and borrow lots of books on this. Read lots of websites. Then slowly realise that no-one really knows, and you should spend your time getting some good life and relationship experience.

This is your, what, 4th or 5th question on "How to get the girl". Take it from me; unless you can double as Ryan Gosling (and very nearly all of us men can't), there's no magic formula, it takes time, and there will be disappointments along the way. Keep it basic:

- Dress well, brush up well and be clean.
- Don't do or say things that repel women e.g. inappropriate humor. Think about the people you hang out with, as that may not help.
- Don't be needy, clingy or desperate, or give that impression in any way.
- When you chat with women, be genuinely interested. Listen. Respond. It's not just about you.
- Never, ever, force the pace.
- Work on that relaxed, confident, thing.
posted by Wordshore at 10:27 AM on May 13, 2013


Don't apologize. Just say you understand and let it go at that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:28 AM on May 13, 2013 [13 favorites]


I don't think you should apologize. Just say something along the lines of "sounds great. I'll be glad to hear from you when you're ready."
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 10:29 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


Just say something along the lines of "sounds great. I'll be glad to hear from you when you're ready."

This, and then LET IT GO. Delete her number so you're not tempted to contact her again.
posted by Asparagus at 10:31 AM on May 13, 2013 [17 favorites]


Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.

Others have addressed that you shouldn't apologize but it might be helpful for you to think about why you shouldn't apologize.

She has just told you that she has just come out of a relationship (read: is emotionally overwhelmed) and is busy at work (read: physically/mentally overwhelmed). Apologizing for "all the shit you put her through" is kind of passive aggressively asking for her reassurance and making this about you and your behavior. Or at least that's how it sounds. She doesn't want to deal with that.

The only way you can salvage this is to not do what you have been doing, and instead of coming on really strong, back off and play it cool. This situation is reminding me of those woven toy tubes that you put your fingers in and the harder you pull, the tighter they hold on to your fingers. You need to relax to get yourself out of the trap.
posted by payoto at 10:38 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.

Do not do this --this conveys self-loathing, the opposite of confidence. You haven't ruined her life or stolen from her quality of life, especially seeing how you haven't even made it to the first date yet. So no need to carry that kind of script forward. No apologies over how you were looking forward to spending more time with her necessary.

Agreeing with the concise and simple, "Sounds great, I'll be glad to hear from you when you're ready."
posted by human ecologist at 10:39 AM on May 13, 2013 [20 favorites]


No, don't say that. Don't apologize. Say something like "Cool. I'd like that." What I'd read between the lines here is that she's (probably but not definitely) not interested in a relationship right now but she might still want to spend time with you. So you can decide if that will work for you or not.

I wouldn't describe yourself as having put her through anything. You came on a little strong, but she was and it seems still is interested in you so you should feel confident about yourself. So here's your strategy: be interesting and magnanimous. How do you do those things? Be interested in your own life, and be happy to share it with others, including with her. Don't focus on being in a relationship or winning this girl over. She'll come over on her own if she wants to.
posted by gauche at 10:42 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


As far as texting her "good morning", I generally use that to get the conversation going.

Texting should NOT be used for conversation, ESPECIALLY when you barely know the person. Texting should be used for short bursts of information, get to the point.

Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.

Look you didn't "put her through shit" you probably mildly annoyed her at most. Admittedly you don't want to be at all annoying prior to actually going on a date but don't act like you killed her dog or slept with her best friend or something. Go with ultraviolet catastrophe's response and don't text her again until/unless she texts you.
posted by magnetsphere at 10:43 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know what, the other comments are right: I was giving you crappy advice.

She wants to be left alone, leave her alone.
posted by Gygesringtone at 10:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


As far as texting her "good morning", I generally use that to get the conversation going.

If a guy did this to me-- multiple times!!--after meeting me once, I would lose alllllll interest in hanging out with him again. I would feel very uncomfortable at this sort of behavior with someone I do not know at all (and, frankly, I would feel not super thrilled about it coming from someone I DID know).

Also, I'm not sure how "good morning" is a conversation starter, at all. This is like those online dating dudes who send messages reading "hi" and nothing else. What is she supposed to respond to? What is she even supposed to say? If it is morning, then nothing has happened yet! What kind of info are you hoping to get from that interaction? How her morning commute went?
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:52 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.

You need to think about why you are so dramatic. You didn't put her through any shit, you were just mildly annoying. Drama is not attractive. This is not a Serious Thing. You sound like you would be draining to be in a relationship with, to be honest.
posted by desjardins at 10:53 AM on May 13, 2013 [8 favorites]


I really have no game when it comes to chasing girl and not know how much is too much.

I'd... avoid thinking of it this way. Maybe it's not what you meant, but: if you wanted to make friends with someone, how would you go about it? You'd probably aim for a low-pressure series of interactions with no other expectations, where you two can get to know one another and take turns moving to the next interaction. Do that. Don't pretend you're not asking women out on a date — being clear about that is good and helpful — but then treat them like people who may or may not want to be your friend or smooch your face. "Chasing girls" isn't an actual thing, and there aren't any magical rules about it. Politely and cheerfully asking actual human beings out is the way to go.

RE: desperation — people say that desperation turns women off, but it's more than that. A lot of times, it scares us. If I had been looking forward to getting to know someone, and he started pushing me and treating me like I owed him my time and energy long before I had expressed a serious and continued interest back, I'd be worried about giving anything more. It sucks, and I know you had good intentions here, but it's a truth about the world. This is basically accurate. You seem like a good person, but until a woman really knows you, she won't be sure of that. So try to be kind and honest and less pushy in the future.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:55 AM on May 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


The good news is that it seems like she might be leaving the door open to see you again. However, it's likely not open very far at this point, and you want to be gentle and not jar it shut.

I think The Pink Superhero is on to the right start for your response: I understand. Because you do now, you get it -- you came on too strong with expectations, she's got a lot going on at the moment, you heard her and you're adjusting your behavior and expectations appropriately. IMO, saying "I understand" gets that across better than "sounds great," but ultraviolet catastrophe is right on with the rest of the response.
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:00 AM on May 13, 2013


She is being kind and telling you to leave her alone in the nicest way possible, and she's hoping you'll take the hint. Based on what you've described of your behavior towards her so far, though, she'd be we'll within her rights to tell you to eff off, too.

Take the hint. Leave her alone. Erase her number. Work on your insecurities first before you pursue someone else. She was not bound to you by some contract when she gave you her phone number.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:00 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


She texted me back saying it was really nice knowing me the day we met and she just got out of a relationship not to long ago. And once things are straight in her and eases up the work schedule, she would like to hang out with me.

Not sure how I would respond to that other then say Im sorry for all the shit I put her through.


Don't reply at all. Leave it alone. She will be in touch if she wants to see you again.

The chances are fairly decent that she said this as a way of letting you down easily, and she is probably not interested in seeing you again. It's not unthinkable that this may be because you came on too strong.

Here is what you did wrong here: Unless I'm misunderstanding, it sounds like you texted her in the morning every day, and then quickly jumped to asking her to hang out with you. Repeated requests like this make a situation feel high-pressure and stressful. This turned her off. It turned her off even more when you confronted her about what you perceived as her problematic behavior. The act of Having a Talk About Us is not something you should be doing with someone you've only known for a couple days.

Here is what you should do in the future: If you want to get together with someone, ask them once, and once only. Wait for them to answer. If they don't answer, there's a reason, and whatever that reason is, it's out of your control, and asking again will not improve the situation. Trust me on this.

Here is another thing you should do: Make friends and spend time with your friends that you make. Some of those friends - or people in your social orbit - should be women. Do not start thinking of them as potential dates. Think of them as friends for the moment. Hang out with your friends in low-stress, low-pressure circumstances. Take note of who seems to have their shit together. Pay attention to them. Observe the way people interact.

Your approach - internal and external - needs a little fine-tuning, but you're a smart guy and you can figure it out. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:20 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Have you seen the movie Swingers? If not, it's good. Check it out.

There's a scene in it where the protagonist gets home at like 2am from the bar where he just successfully hit on a cute girl and got her digits. His buddies had just told him to wait a few days then call her (a week, so like 2 days, tomorrow morning) but he disregards and, in his drunken excitement, calls her that night. Gets her voicemail, and starts to leave her a message, but gets cut off. It happens again, and again, and again, and he winds up leaving her a whole ton of messages, increasingly desperate and pathetic. Past the point where you think he could make it any worse for himself, she finally picks up! And says, "Never call me again you fucking creep."

He doesn't. He muffed it. Took it as a learning experience, righted himself, and went back to his search for love without looking back.

I'm not saying that's what you should do. But you should definitely back off. She knows you want to see her again, you've made that clear. Now it's up to her to figure out what she wants, and get back to you on that. Take a breather, think about how many other women there are alive on earth right now, and be patient.
posted by carsonb at 11:35 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Stop over-thinking it. She's a girl, not your last chance at salvation. Sounds like you have a bit of pedestal thinking – putting her on a pedestal. I'll tell you a secret. It sucks to be put on a pedestal. She lives the same kind of life you do. When someone puts you on a pedestal, they are not seeing the True You, they are seeing the You They Want To See. Which is as mentioned, annoying.

Reverse the situation. Imagine you are having a shitty weekend. Some girl you met at a party keeps texting you "good morning". It's not a good morning. It's a shitty morning. Why does this random person keep texting me good morning? Don't they have anything better to do than text me good morning?

Sometimes men can be funny creatures. We assume that she won't write back. Because she's on the pedestal. And THOUSAND OF DUDES ARE TEXTING HER. OMG. I have the be the sperm that reaches the egg. I WILL TEXT HER MORE THAN ANY OTHER MAN. I AM THE TEXTING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.

Just as she has been on your mind, if she's into you, you will also be on her mind. You have to let the other person come to you, for that is how negotiations of attraction work. She knows you are interested. If she comes back to you, she is also interested. If not, then not. It is not as if she will suddenly forget. "Oh yeah, Bob. Shit. I wanted to marry Bob and have his babies. But I forget to text him back. Oops. Oh well. No happy life for me."

It doesn't really work like that. So be cool and be yourself. How do you text your other friends? Do you text them repeatedly until you get a response? Probably not. There's probably a bit of a natural process there. Let that be your process.

And it's okay to be excited. Use that energy positively. Go take your glow out into the world and have a strut. Buy a new shirt. Go to the gym. Wait for her call, but don't wait by the phone. Wait in the rest of your life. Because what are you going to do when she calls? "What have you been doing?" "Waiting by the phone for you to call me." *Awkward*

You want an answer like, "OMG I was at this amazing party where this amazing stuff happened," or "I was at the art museum seeing the new exhibition because I love that shit". She will be interested in you because you are interesting, not because you sit by the phone putting her on a pedestal.

And I'm not being harsh, mate. Everyone learns. Brothers in arms.
posted by nickrussell at 11:49 AM on May 13, 2013 [13 favorites]


My advice: Stop texting so much and use the phone. She took a liking to you at the party, and your personality will come through again during phone conversations. Texting is much riskier to me, because it's so bad at conveying tone.
posted by see_change at 11:50 AM on May 13, 2013


This is your classic learning experience. Just let this one go. Don't be so gung-ho about the next one. And I promise you, there will be a next one.

You now know how to make a good impression at a party. Your next step is to learn how to recognize that and actually get her number yourself. Then you need to learn what to do with the number when you get it (not what you just did, obviously)

Try not thinking that every girl you like and who likes you might be your next girlfriend. Just work on making friends with girls. Don't make it about going on 'a date'. The more friends you have that are girls, the easier it is to meet girls, and the more likely you will find one who is into you.
posted by empath at 12:45 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah.... it was over at the first "good morning". She's hawt... you want her... but it's not gonna happen. There are others out there. Move. On.
posted by brownrd at 1:56 PM on May 13, 2013


If you are using terms like "I confronted her..." or "I told her if she's not comfortable..." and you haven't even gone on a single date yet, then I am sorry to say you came off looking desperate and overly invested too soon. Even if you don't really believe it, you need to take the tact that, "I like this girl and I offered to take her out. If she likes me, it's up to her to accept. If not, oh well," and stop obsessing. If you will obsess, do so without telling her about it. You were being thoughtful and cautious to the point of being way too invested.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:26 PM on May 13, 2013


Also, aside from looking desperate, just because she had a nice conversation with you at a party and you decided you like her, she really didn't owe you anything. she may have liked you too but she also has other things going on in her life. It comes off a little creepy to simply text "good morning" repeatedly to someone you just met and expect her to respond with an update about her life. Women are human beings, and yes, they are beautiful and make us crazy, but you should really talk to a girl you like the way you would any other person. I agree with the other poster, texting "good morning" to someone you barely know is awkward and not a conversation starter -- it feels like you are keeping tabs, especially if you are literally texting it first thing in the morning.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:47 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Another update: I told her what Asparagus said and deleted her number so I don't get all clingy on her even more then what I did.

Ill wait for her to respond when/if she's ready.
posted by Parh6512 at 3:02 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Also, I have not been in a relationship before so I do NOT know which words I need to say and which words I need to avoid. Anytime I meet someone, texting is usually how I communicate with people. Even with friends I communicate with texting.

But now what I got from the responses on here is that when you get a girls number, only text her to setup a meeting. And also text when needed and not everyday. I thought texting is the way people usually get to know each other before we go on a actual date.
posted by Parh6512 at 3:10 PM on May 13, 2013


I want to tell you, don't overthink it, which is bad advice because it's phrased in the negative. Better advice would be: just be yourself and be cool, but it sounds like you might be young enough or inexperienced enough that you don't yet know how to be yourself and be cool around women your age yet, here's your plan:

Make friends with women (girls?) your age. Get comfortable talking to them, listening to them, &c. You want to have it be no big deal to talk to them. They are just people.

You want to do this for a couple of reasons. First, you will be more comfortable around women in general, which can only help you. Second, women know other women, so if you're ready to be in a relationship you've increased your chances of meeting someone who digs you. And third, there are a lot of unspoken body-language things that go into knowing when someone is attracted to you, and you want to be familiar enough with the body language of women that you can effectively separate the signal from the noise. This will help you to know when it's time to ask someone out.
posted by gauche at 3:35 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


You asked a similar question to your follow-up a while ago about how to get a girlfriend. Have you taken the advice that people gave you?

Getting a girlfriend is like fifth gear. You can't start your car in fifth gear; it will just stall out. You have to start it slowly, in first gear, which is making friends with women. No matter how much you want to be in fifth gear, you're not going to get there unless you start out in first and shift up only when the time is right to do so.
posted by gauche at 3:41 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


I thought texting is the way people usually get to know each other before we go on a actual date.

Going on dates is how people get to know each other. Why do you think you NEED to 'get to know each other' via the extremely short and impersonal medium of texts before having actual sustained face-to-face contact?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:27 PM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


It's hard if you haven't been in a relationship to know what do say/do, as you state, OP, and a lot of people who have been raised watching pop movies and reading stuff like Romeo and Juliet are of the CONSUMING LOVE variety, which I think is not only unrealistic but exhausting and boringly without nuance. I think you should treat future potentials like an acquaintance you find attractive, because that's exactly what they will be, check ALL drama and creamy-eyed looks, and if you get to the relationship stage then you can worry about the mechanics.
posted by amodelcitizen at 7:40 PM on May 13, 2013


Response by poster: Another update:

So I have not heard from her yet since I told her to let me know when she gets everything sorted out. I'm completely fine with that.

But I'm going to hangout with my friends tomorrow and I'm 100% sure she will be there. Two of my friends and their gf along with me and the girl that I have talked to. So its an awkward situation to be in. Do I talk to her normally? Do I bring up any discussion we had over text? I know my friends will be busy with their gf when we go out. Us two will be the odd ones left together and I don't want to make this an weird situation.
posted by Parh6512 at 8:18 PM on May 15, 2013


OMG, do not bring up any of the texts (unless she does first). If you want to make things awkward, talking about your awkward texts is a good way to do that.

Just talk to her like you did at the party when you first met when nothing was at stake and you were just getting to know her. She is not your potential girlfriend, she is just a person you happen to be interacting with. Be nice, be friendly, play it cool. Don't have this idea in your head that the stakes are high or there is baggage to deal with -- there isn't. If the girl has any interest in moving things to the next level, she will do that. As far as you're concerned, you're acquaintances and that's it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:38 PM on May 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


You MIGHT want to tell one of your friends what happened if they are a good wingman, though, and he can help you through it.
posted by empath at 11:00 PM on May 15, 2013


How did it go?
posted by Salamandrous at 9:40 AM on May 19, 2013


Response by poster: We met on that day. I talked to her normally and didnt brought up anything. We both hung out, had loads of fun and now she's my girlfriend after all.
posted by Parh6512 at 10:08 PM on June 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


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