penny for my thoughts?
February 12, 2011 3:04 PM Subscribe
I know what my problem is. I know why it was happening. Question is: how do I CHANGE my knee-jerky negative subconscious?
Backstory (yup. daddy issues.):
Throughout my life my father would correct me if I said something that he thought was "wrong" (like when having a conversation at dinner or if I misspoke when talking to him), or if I did a chore/fed the dog/etc he would almost always tell me I did it wrong or would make some comment. If I would speak up for myself he would say "I don't want to argue about it" and if I continued to speak he would tell me to "shut up". I know this behavior is wrong, not normal or even healthy and I know it's not about me. Even knowing this I still put up a "barrier" between me and the rest of the world. Mostly I was afraid to say something wrong or stupid so I would be really quiet around people. It was a bigger problem when I was younger, but I grew up, lived life a little and now at 26 I am pretty much successful interacting with the rest of the world in a normal manner. I still have one lingering issue though: men. When I was much younger I couldn't even approach a guy I liked without having an anxiety attack (I would get so nervous I would be physically ill). I pretty much avoided dating until my mid-twenties.
Cue to now:
I was in relationship (my first real one) with a great guy for four months. He broke up with me. He said wasn't ready for a relationship right now and after a lot of soul-searching I realized I wasn't either (we are still friends though). I do feel that part of the reason for him wanting to break-up with me was due to the fact I was REALLY quiet and shy when we were alone (in groups I would be fine, but alone? meep. one. word. comments.). I mean, come on! We were together for FOUR months and I was STILL really nervous talking with him when we were alone. I KNOW this is a subconscious reaction to what my father would do to me and I KNOW that this guy is nothing like my father. My ex wanted to hear what I had to say, wanted to know what was inside my head a little and just to know more about ME in general. Instead I would get really nervous and tongue-tied (it was like I had a cork inside my throat and I had all these words I want to get out, but they would just get stuck). So I ended up being really quiet and acted a little disinterested and not really enthusiastic around him, when in reality (aka inside my head) I really liked him, thought he was interesting and was super pumped to be dating him. I knew what was happening but I ended up self-sabotaging myself. BAH.
Soooo...how do I turn off or ignore that deeply-ingrained subconscious reaction that is making me really anxious and keeping me from being myself around guys I'm dating/like (particularly my ex)?
Backstory (yup. daddy issues.):
Throughout my life my father would correct me if I said something that he thought was "wrong" (like when having a conversation at dinner or if I misspoke when talking to him), or if I did a chore/fed the dog/etc he would almost always tell me I did it wrong or would make some comment. If I would speak up for myself he would say "I don't want to argue about it" and if I continued to speak he would tell me to "shut up". I know this behavior is wrong, not normal or even healthy and I know it's not about me. Even knowing this I still put up a "barrier" between me and the rest of the world. Mostly I was afraid to say something wrong or stupid so I would be really quiet around people. It was a bigger problem when I was younger, but I grew up, lived life a little and now at 26 I am pretty much successful interacting with the rest of the world in a normal manner. I still have one lingering issue though: men. When I was much younger I couldn't even approach a guy I liked without having an anxiety attack (I would get so nervous I would be physically ill). I pretty much avoided dating until my mid-twenties.
Cue to now:
I was in relationship (my first real one) with a great guy for four months. He broke up with me. He said wasn't ready for a relationship right now and after a lot of soul-searching I realized I wasn't either (we are still friends though). I do feel that part of the reason for him wanting to break-up with me was due to the fact I was REALLY quiet and shy when we were alone (in groups I would be fine, but alone? meep. one. word. comments.). I mean, come on! We were together for FOUR months and I was STILL really nervous talking with him when we were alone. I KNOW this is a subconscious reaction to what my father would do to me and I KNOW that this guy is nothing like my father. My ex wanted to hear what I had to say, wanted to know what was inside my head a little and just to know more about ME in general. Instead I would get really nervous and tongue-tied (it was like I had a cork inside my throat and I had all these words I want to get out, but they would just get stuck). So I ended up being really quiet and acted a little disinterested and not really enthusiastic around him, when in reality (aka inside my head) I really liked him, thought he was interesting and was super pumped to be dating him. I knew what was happening but I ended up self-sabotaging myself. BAH.
Soooo...how do I turn off or ignore that deeply-ingrained subconscious reaction that is making me really anxious and keeping me from being myself around guys I'm dating/like (particularly my ex)?
Try saying two words instead of one. Seriously. Changing a lifetime habit overnight is pretty unlikely. It can be done, but baby steps work way better in my opinion.
I don't have exactly the same problem as you, but I do have difficulty standing up for myself at times, particularly at work. I know what sort of things are likely to set me off, so I make more of an effort to stand up for myself in those situations. I don't often do much more than what I do now, but maybe I'll ask a clarifying question when my boss asks me to do something, for example. It's just a matter of getting used to behaving in a new way in a given situation.
The first step is often the hardest, because you have all of that inertia (AKA habit) to overcome, but every time you try, you get yourself moving a little more. It sounds silly, but I try to imagine what question to ask when my boss asks me to do something (following the above example). I'll even role play it, sometimes out loud, just to get my brain used to the idea of me asking the question. Maybe you could imagine a guy asking you a question, and rehearse some answers? Obviously it won't always be the right question, but any practice is better than no practice. Also, perhaps you could practice being the first one to say something.
It can seem like this is a major thing, and in one way it is, but it's a pretty easy thing to overcome. Just take one baby step at a time, and keep taking them.
posted by Solomon at 3:35 PM on February 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't have exactly the same problem as you, but I do have difficulty standing up for myself at times, particularly at work. I know what sort of things are likely to set me off, so I make more of an effort to stand up for myself in those situations. I don't often do much more than what I do now, but maybe I'll ask a clarifying question when my boss asks me to do something, for example. It's just a matter of getting used to behaving in a new way in a given situation.
The first step is often the hardest, because you have all of that inertia (AKA habit) to overcome, but every time you try, you get yourself moving a little more. It sounds silly, but I try to imagine what question to ask when my boss asks me to do something (following the above example). I'll even role play it, sometimes out loud, just to get my brain used to the idea of me asking the question. Maybe you could imagine a guy asking you a question, and rehearse some answers? Obviously it won't always be the right question, but any practice is better than no practice. Also, perhaps you could practice being the first one to say something.
It can seem like this is a major thing, and in one way it is, but it's a pretty easy thing to overcome. Just take one baby step at a time, and keep taking them.
posted by Solomon at 3:35 PM on February 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you've isolated a problem and know what's going on but can't change it through willpower alone, therapy might be a good idea. Otherwise, keep putting yourself out there, and eventually you'll just get over it with more experience (like you did in social/group settings).
posted by J. Wilson at 3:37 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 3:37 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cognitive behaviour therapy might help. There are some good books out there on the subject - maybe you can find one that's right for you - if the cost of an in-person therapist is too expensive. Good luck - for whatever reason, not likely intentional, my parents instilled too much shame. As in, everything I thought or did was shameful or became so. That sounds pretty messed up, but I can sympathize with the anxiety part!
posted by Calzephyr at 3:45 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Calzephyr at 3:45 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
There are many ways to communicate, so if you found that speaking does not come easy to you, you can try to cultivate different mode of communication. First, try writing down your thoughts and share them with your love one. I've found that written words have a distinct advantage of time shifting: you can express what you feel at your most convenient moment, and share them with others when it's most meaningful. You can also make it more personal by preparing a speech and read that to your love one. This actually would be a very powerful and effective method. Beside words, there are also action. Touching is among the best non-verbal communication; and, as a method, it's pretty unambiguous in transmitting the message. Caring and gifts are also very good ways to appreciate another person. And finally, planning and making commitments also send strong messages that get your sentiment across.
In reality, speaking is not as uniformed as commonly perceived. As you have noticed, environment greatly effects speaking comfort. A common example is public speaking: almost everyone are comfortable with private conversation, but many have problem with public speaking. So, I urge you to search for different environment to try your speaking ability again. Try talking via the phone; or in public or semi-public environment if private conversations are difficult. Try talking in car while driving somewhere; or at a dinner party, take your boyfriend aside and tell him what you wanted to say. Ultimately, the right method to improve your speaking ability is: first, find what make you comfortable; and secondly, when you are in an uncomfortable environment, imagine yourself back in your comfort zone... then plough through until you are used to it.
Good luck.
posted by curiousZ at 4:44 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
In reality, speaking is not as uniformed as commonly perceived. As you have noticed, environment greatly effects speaking comfort. A common example is public speaking: almost everyone are comfortable with private conversation, but many have problem with public speaking. So, I urge you to search for different environment to try your speaking ability again. Try talking via the phone; or in public or semi-public environment if private conversations are difficult. Try talking in car while driving somewhere; or at a dinner party, take your boyfriend aside and tell him what you wanted to say. Ultimately, the right method to improve your speaking ability is: first, find what make you comfortable; and secondly, when you are in an uncomfortable environment, imagine yourself back in your comfort zone... then plough through until you are used to it.
Good luck.
posted by curiousZ at 4:44 PM on February 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is a really good question! I have been having similar thoughts lately: that no matter how much I change
my outward behaviour, I'll still have the painful reaction inside, forever.
Then I remembered that I've tried various ways of changing my outward behaviour, and only recently have I hit upon a really elegant solution, and anybody without a heart of stone would be having uncomfortable feelings now, let alone someone who'd been programmed to feel this way from the earliest age. I also remember that there are things I'm so good at now that I've almost forgotten I was ever bad at them.
I like the suggestion of making yourself say two words instead of one. You could also, without going all threapy-speak on someone new, find a moment mention that you're working on beingnless shy in one-to-one settings, and your quietness isn't because you don't like them.
posted by tel3path at 3:33 AM on February 13, 2011
my outward behaviour, I'll still have the painful reaction inside, forever.
Then I remembered that I've tried various ways of changing my outward behaviour, and only recently have I hit upon a really elegant solution, and anybody without a heart of stone would be having uncomfortable feelings now, let alone someone who'd been programmed to feel this way from the earliest age. I also remember that there are things I'm so good at now that I've almost forgotten I was ever bad at them.
I like the suggestion of making yourself say two words instead of one. You could also, without going all threapy-speak on someone new, find a moment mention that you're working on beingnless shy in one-to-one settings, and your quietness isn't because you don't like them.
posted by tel3path at 3:33 AM on February 13, 2011
My wife was raised in a similar way. In her case, she was never, ever right about anything, when growing up. Esteem issues and perfectionism are likely in the mix for you to deal with, now and in the future. I would encourage you to address things thoroughly, since the negative behavior, like abuse, seems to propagate down the generations. I think your best bet is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as Calzephyr suggested. Changing negative thoughts is what it is all about. Here is a cross-posting that might help:
Changing how you look at things (usually from negative to positive) is what cognitive behavioural therapy is about. In fact, the hot thing these days is a combination of mindfulness and CBT. There is a free UK course on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). You could check it out at http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/. The British medical system seems to like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, since it gets results. Australia also has a freebie program.
If you prefer books, I think you would find Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by D M Burns to be very helpful. Once again it is about CBT. Here is the thread about CBT:
http://ask.metafilter.com/142970/Therapy-for-the-Uninsured-and-Rural
posted by PickeringPete at 7:17 AM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Changing how you look at things (usually from negative to positive) is what cognitive behavioural therapy is about. In fact, the hot thing these days is a combination of mindfulness and CBT. There is a free UK course on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). You could check it out at http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/. The British medical system seems to like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, since it gets results. Australia also has a freebie program.
If you prefer books, I think you would find Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by D M Burns to be very helpful. Once again it is about CBT. Here is the thread about CBT:
http://ask.metafilter.com/142970/Therapy-for-the-Uninsured-and-Rural
posted by PickeringPete at 7:17 AM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by jbenben at 3:17 PM on February 12, 2011