It's funny because he's old.
September 24, 2010 12:17 PM Subscribe
My geeky, standup and improv-performing friend is turning 50 today. I'm supposed to bring a joke to his party. I got nothing. Any suggestions?
Geeky? How about "TOUCH GREP UNZIP MOUNT FSCK FSCK FSCK UMOUNT"?
posted by Biru at 12:22 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Biru at 12:22 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender says "What'll you have?"
"Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 12:30 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Bartender says "What'll you have?"
"Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 12:30 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
Dam.
posted by punchtothehead at 12:34 PM on September 24, 2010
Dam.
posted by punchtothehead at 12:34 PM on September 24, 2010
He's so old, we're concerned about the carbon footprint of his birthday candles.
He's so old, seeing him get naked is the best birth control there is.
Just kidding, we're really happy to see him. But let's face it, at his age, we're just happy to see him outside of Old Country Buffet.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:35 PM on September 24, 2010
He's so old, seeing him get naked is the best birth control there is.
Just kidding, we're really happy to see him. But let's face it, at his age, we're just happy to see him outside of Old Country Buffet.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:35 PM on September 24, 2010
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a mop."
Or the whole "transporting underage gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises" bit... I love that one, dork-tastic though it may be.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2010
Or the whole "transporting underage gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises" bit... I love that one, dork-tastic though it may be.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2010
Does it need to be a joke-joke or do you just want to do something that will elicit a giggle? When you first get to the party, find where he is and make a beeline for whomever he's standing right next to. Don't even make eye contact with him, just focus on the person he's talking with. Make a big deal of wishing him/her a happy birthday, along with all those stupid phrases like "another year older, another year wiser, eh?" and do obnoxious rib nudges and stuff. Then turn to your buddy and with a straight face say, "oh, hey, Larry, what's up?"
posted by phunniemee at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by phunniemee at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2010
The funniest joke I've read recently was from Omid Djalili in a Guardian Q&A:
I went to a restaurant called A Taste Of The Raj. The waiter beat me with sticks and made me construct a complicated railway system.posted by rodgerd at 12:38 PM on September 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
This was said to me in a comedy club on my 30th birthday:
"So it's your birtday today? How old are you? 30? Really? You have the face of a 19 year old!" [turns to audience] "Better give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled!"
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2010
"So it's your birtday today? How old are you? 30? Really? You have the face of a 19 year old!" [turns to audience] "Better give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled!"
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2010
Best answer: "Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"To."
"To who?"
"To whom."
posted by smitt at 12:40 PM on September 24, 2010 [35 favorites]
"Who's there?"
"To."
"To who?"
"To whom."
posted by smitt at 12:40 PM on September 24, 2010 [35 favorites]
You know, _____'s making it to 50 is pretty amazing. He won't tell you, but he grew up in a really tough neighborhood. The one thing they did have was a children's zoo ......but then the three kids escaped.
posted by R. Mutt at 12:41 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by R. Mutt at 12:41 PM on September 24, 2010
Yeah, and his old man liked him so much that he used to give him travelers checks for his birthday.
posted by R. Mutt at 12:43 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by R. Mutt at 12:43 PM on September 24, 2010
Bring him a photograph of himself.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:45 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by shakespeherian at 12:45 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
(And depending on how well you know him...)
_______ is so old his favorite position is back-to-back.
posted by R. Mutt at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2010
_______ is so old his favorite position is back-to-back.
posted by R. Mutt at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2010
Response by poster: Keep 'em coming. ThatCanadianGirl and smitt are in the lead, so far.
@phunniemae - it needs to be a joke-joke.
posted by donpardo at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2010
@phunniemae - it needs to be a joke-joke.
posted by donpardo at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2010
I'm supposed to bring a joke to his party.
Is there actually going to be a point in the party where they specifically ask you what joke you brought? If so I would say "Oh, I forgot it in the car" or whatever, leave, then come back in with a cardboard sign that with "YOU'RE OLD" written on it in big letters.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:53 PM on September 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
Is there actually going to be a point in the party where they specifically ask you what joke you brought? If so I would say "Oh, I forgot it in the car" or whatever, leave, then come back in with a cardboard sign that with "YOU'RE OLD" written on it in big letters.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:53 PM on September 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
Reddit asks users to tell most fucked up joke you know... (my favorite is about Palin, but I still don't think it'd go over well on MeFi).
posted by coolguymichael at 12:59 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by coolguymichael at 12:59 PM on September 24, 2010
A duck, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender sees the trio and says, "What is this, some kind of joke!?"
posted by Wink Ricketts at 1:04 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Wink Ricketts at 1:04 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Giraffe walks into a bar , says: highballs on me.
Midget walks into a bar...needs 6 stiches.
posted by Postroad at 1:29 PM on September 24, 2010
Midget walks into a bar...needs 6 stiches.
posted by Postroad at 1:29 PM on September 24, 2010
I found this Askmefi post to be helpful when I was looking for good jokes. I also liked this site, recommended by the user Sfving.
posted by Ryogen at 1:31 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by Ryogen at 1:31 PM on September 24, 2010
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
I love Doctor
I love Doctor Who?
NERD!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:49 PM on September 24, 2010
Who's there?
I love Doctor
I love Doctor Who?
NERD!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:49 PM on September 24, 2010
it's an activity joke, you kinda have to act it out as you tell it.... which makes it all the funnier.
An older man is getting married and really wants to please his young bride, so he asks his trusted younger friend for some advice.
"I want to be an excellent lover to my new wife, but I'm old and out of touch. What are the young people doing these days, do you have any tips?"
The young guy says, "the girls I've been with want a rhythmic, steady movement, and to help you remember and keep the rhythm, you do this:
This is where you act it out:
dime (move hips to the left)
dime (move hips to the right)
nickel (lean back and put your butt up in the air)
dollar (thrust your hips forward)
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
... She will be screaming in ecstasy!"
So the old man does as his young friend instructed, practicing, muttering:
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
When he takes his hot young bride into their honeymoon suite, and they get ready to consummate the marriage, the man, silently in his head, starts to chant
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
The bride goes nuts! "Yeah baby!"
The older husband continues...
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
She's really into it, moaning, "Oh, yes!"
The guy carries on...
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
Finally the old guy can't take it anymore and he's about to lose it. He decides what the hell....
.
.
.
make big back & forth humping thrusts
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
posted by ChefJoAnna at 1:54 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
An older man is getting married and really wants to please his young bride, so he asks his trusted younger friend for some advice.
"I want to be an excellent lover to my new wife, but I'm old and out of touch. What are the young people doing these days, do you have any tips?"
The young guy says, "the girls I've been with want a rhythmic, steady movement, and to help you remember and keep the rhythm, you do this:
This is where you act it out:
dime (move hips to the left)
dime (move hips to the right)
nickel (lean back and put your butt up in the air)
dollar (thrust your hips forward)
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
... She will be screaming in ecstasy!"
So the old man does as his young friend instructed, practicing, muttering:
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
When he takes his hot young bride into their honeymoon suite, and they get ready to consummate the marriage, the man, silently in his head, starts to chant
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
The bride goes nuts! "Yeah baby!"
The older husband continues...
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
She's really into it, moaning, "Oh, yes!"
The guy carries on...
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
dime, dime, nickel, dollar!
Finally the old guy can't take it anymore and he's about to lose it. He decides what the hell....
.
.
.
make big back & forth humping thrusts
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
BUCK TWENTY FIVE!
posted by ChefJoAnna at 1:54 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
by the way, there's always the risk of someone telling the joke you were going to tell, so I'll offer you this:
my OTHER favorite "act it out joke" has a punchline of "we're all going to dallas!" but i tried googling the dime-dime-nickle-dollar joke and couldn't find it, where the "we're all going to dallas!" joke turned up a lot of results.
posted by ChefJoAnna at 1:59 PM on September 24, 2010
my OTHER favorite "act it out joke" has a punchline of "we're all going to dallas!" but i tried googling the dime-dime-nickle-dollar joke and couldn't find it, where the "we're all going to dallas!" joke turned up a lot of results.
posted by ChefJoAnna at 1:59 PM on September 24, 2010
A selection from Dirty Jokes For Grandma, with props to ceri richard:
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred Blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down And you shit on its head."
posted by carsonb at 2:12 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred Blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down And you shit on its head."
posted by carsonb at 2:12 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
With a lot of Jokes being told at the party and plenty of funny people in attendance, it seems like the perfect venue for a well placed "broken" joke.
posted by Widepath at 2:23 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by Widepath at 2:23 PM on September 24, 2010
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt Who?
Aunt you glad I've stopped saying Granny?
posted by Chairboy at 2:51 PM on September 24, 2010
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
( *pause* )
Knock knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt Who?
Aunt you glad I've stopped saying Granny?
posted by Chairboy at 2:51 PM on September 24, 2010
Are you specifically looking for "old" jokes? If not, I'll roll this out again...
(spoken)
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig...
(wait for person to get it, however long it takes...)
I also love:
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
posted by madmethods at 3:42 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
(spoken)
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig...
(wait for person to get it, however long it takes...)
I also love:
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
posted by madmethods at 3:42 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Q: What's 1 foot-long and slippery?
A: A slipper!
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:27 PM on September 24, 2010
A: A slipper!
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:27 PM on September 24, 2010
If your friend is uber-geeky.....
SQL query walks into a bar, approaches 2 tables and asks, "May I join you?" Bartender screams over, "Not before I get your keys!"
Semi-geeky...
A programmer's wife is hassling him to go to the store for groceries. He agrees. She directs him to get a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get 6. Later, the husband returns with 6 loaves of bread. His wife exclaims, "Why in the world did you get 6 loaves of bread?" He responds, "They had eggs."
Geeky...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. The bartender says to him, 'Hey! There's a steering wheel between your legs!'. The pirates replies, 'Yarrr, it be drivin' me nuts!'
posted by prinado at 4:47 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
SQL query walks into a bar, approaches 2 tables and asks, "May I join you?" Bartender screams over, "Not before I get your keys!"
Semi-geeky...
A programmer's wife is hassling him to go to the store for groceries. He agrees. She directs him to get a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get 6. Later, the husband returns with 6 loaves of bread. His wife exclaims, "Why in the world did you get 6 loaves of bread?" He responds, "They had eggs."
Geeky...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. The bartender says to him, 'Hey! There's a steering wheel between your legs!'. The pirates replies, 'Yarrr, it be drivin' me nuts!'
posted by prinado at 4:47 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
So recent, and some very old jokes I have enjoyed:
Hey, I'm Nick and I come from a long line of conga dancers. [internet]
They say all my friends think I'm a weirdo, but it's not true. I don't have any friends. [Jerry Sadowitz]
So I saw that film Inception the other night. It was so boring, I fell asleep. Or did I? [random stand-up comic, last week]
When it comes to religion, you've got two choices. You can read the Bible and dismiss it as rubbish, or you can dismiss it as rubbish without reading it and save time. [Simon Munnery]
They say a woman's work is never done. I think that's why they're paid less. [Sean Lock]
People often ask me if I enjoy being so sarcastic, and I say... 'Noooo.' [Stewart Lee]
posted by permafrost at 5:00 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hey, I'm Nick and I come from a long line of conga dancers. [internet]
They say all my friends think I'm a weirdo, but it's not true. I don't have any friends. [Jerry Sadowitz]
So I saw that film Inception the other night. It was so boring, I fell asleep. Or did I? [random stand-up comic, last week]
When it comes to religion, you've got two choices. You can read the Bible and dismiss it as rubbish, or you can dismiss it as rubbish without reading it and save time. [Simon Munnery]
They say a woman's work is never done. I think that's why they're paid less. [Sean Lock]
People often ask me if I enjoy being so sarcastic, and I say... 'Noooo.' [Stewart Lee]
posted by permafrost at 5:00 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
What's the difference between a trapeze act and the Rockettes?
A trapeze act is full of cunning stunts.
posted by Diablevert at 7:12 PM on September 24, 2010
A trapeze act is full of cunning stunts.
posted by Diablevert at 7:12 PM on September 24, 2010
This is old and terrible:
Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
posted by MegoSteve at 7:18 PM on September 24, 2010
Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
posted by MegoSteve at 7:18 PM on September 24, 2010
This commercial translates into a good joke. We're sinking! We're sinking!
posted by belau at 7:37 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by belau at 7:37 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Two whales are sitting in a bar. One whale turns to the other and says, "(make extended whale songs to the best of your ability)"
The other whale turns to him and says, " (opening mouth as if to make whale songs) Dude, you are so wasted!"
posted by eulily at 9:33 PM on September 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
The other whale turns to him and says, " (opening mouth as if to make whale songs) Dude, you are so wasted!"
posted by eulily at 9:33 PM on September 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
A trucker pulls his rig into a brothel off the interstate and walks up to the front desk.
Madam: How can I help you, sir?
Trucker: I'd like something to eat. Can you make me me some burned kraft mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs and bits of cigarette ash left in. It has to be nearly inedible.
Madam: (clearly confused) I suppose...
Trucker: And could you bring me the oldest, ugliest, fattest woman in the brothel and I mean just horrifying!
Madam: I'll see what I can do...
Trucker: I'd be willing to pay you $5000 dollars for your trouble ma'am.
Madam: Sir, for five thousand we can serve you filet mignon and you can spend the night with the most beautiful woman in the house.
Trucker: (indignant) MA'AM I'm not horny, I'm Homesick!
posted by JimmyJames at 10:29 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Madam: How can I help you, sir?
Trucker: I'd like something to eat. Can you make me me some burned kraft mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs and bits of cigarette ash left in. It has to be nearly inedible.
Madam: (clearly confused) I suppose...
Trucker: And could you bring me the oldest, ugliest, fattest woman in the brothel and I mean just horrifying!
Madam: I'll see what I can do...
Trucker: I'd be willing to pay you $5000 dollars for your trouble ma'am.
Madam: Sir, for five thousand we can serve you filet mignon and you can spend the night with the most beautiful woman in the house.
Trucker: (indignant) MA'AM I'm not horny, I'm Homesick!
posted by JimmyJames at 10:29 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My friend gave me a birthday card one time with a photo of a sexy shirtless guy on front that said "You can still have the body of a 21 year old".
When I opened it, it read "You just have to get him drunk first".
My favorite card ever!
posted by stray thoughts at 12:24 AM on September 25, 2010
When I opened it, it read "You just have to get him drunk first".
My favorite card ever!
posted by stray thoughts at 12:24 AM on September 25, 2010
Knock knock
Who's there?
Goliath
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired
posted by jasondigitized at 4:08 AM on September 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Who's there?
Goliath
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired
posted by jasondigitized at 4:08 AM on September 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I either got this from here or from reddit, but since no one else has posted it...
So, helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
posted by Brody's chum at 9:12 PM on September 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
posted by Brody's chum at 9:12 PM on September 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dumb and old; generally have to deliver through them all serially, machine-gun-style.
Q: What do you call deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes & no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no fucking eye deer.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:12 AM on September 27, 2010
Q: What do you call deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes & no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no fucking eye deer.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:12 AM on September 27, 2010
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posted by Biru at 12:20 PM on September 24, 2010