Good clean jokes.

December 14, 2005 9:03 PM

I am going to an office holiday party with a joke telling contest! Alas, my only 2 jokes are terrible. What are some good (clean) jokes to add to my (and our collective) repitoire?

Also, please suggest any tips on good joke delivery -- in general and specific to each joke. I think jokes that tell a story would be best, rather than knock-knocks and other one-liners. If they are customizable, that's definitely a plus. Jokes needn't be holiday related.

posted by pithy comment to society & culture (142 comments total)

I figure you would want to know my two jokes.

1) A guy is going ice fishing (it is the winter in Minnesota) and he walks out onto the ice and begins drilling a hole. A loud voice - the voice of God - sounds around him. "There are no fish here!" "Hm," the man thinks, and picks up his things to move to another place on the ice. As he begins drilling his second hole, again he hears, "There are no fish here!" "Must be my lucky day," he thinks. "Someone's looking out for me." And he moves again. As he begins drilling his third hole, the voice rings out, "This is the rink attendant! There are NO FISH HERE!"

2) A scientist is testing how far a frog can jump. He places the frog down and yells, "JUMP!" The frog jumps 12 feet. Then the scientist cuts off one of the frog's legs and runs the test again. "JUMP!" The frog jumps 6 feet. He cuts off the second leg, places the frog down and yells, "JUMP!" The frog goes nowhere. Conclusion: when both of frog's legs are cut off, frog cannot hear.

P.S. puns are good too.
posted by pithy comment at 9:11 PM on December 14, 2005

I have three.

1. A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin. He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?" Pirate replies "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

2. What kind of bees give milk? BOO BEES!

3. An elderly Zuni man is having serious problems sleeping. He falls asleep fine every night, but tosses and turns and eventually is woken up halfway through the night by disturbing dreams. The insomnia is taking a toll on his health and driving his wife crazy too. He pursuades him to go see his GP. The doctor asks him the problem, what is it specifically about these dreams that is so disturbing that he can't sleep (I usually stretch this part out for a couple of minutes)? The fellow says, well, the dreams are just so surreal - I dream I'm an inanimate object, it's so weird that I'm up worried about it all night. One night I dream I'm a wigwam, the next night a teepee - wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee." Doctor mulls it over, then says 'you know, i've read an article in a recent APA journal about this and I think I know what's wrong with you - you're just too tense!" (pr. "two tents" for the dim)
posted by luriete at 9:19 PM on December 14, 2005

Not sure if it's clean...or good, but here goes:

What's Mary short for?

She has no legs.

...
posted by cloeburner at 9:19 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Q. Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
A. Wherever you left it!

(that's the only joke I know)
posted by Mr T at 9:23 PM on December 14, 2005

I'm noticing a no leg theme here. Perhaps everyone is sensing this holiday party will only be attended by self-deprecating amputees.
posted by cloeburner at 9:25 PM on December 14, 2005

I'm too drunk to type out any good jokes at the moment, but I do have advice for delivery: Practice Practice Practice.

Oh, and a man walks into a bar ... and it hurt.
posted by lester at 9:27 PM on December 14, 2005

Yo' mama so shaggy, that she ain't that shaggy.
posted by kenko at 9:29 PM on December 14, 2005

What did the slug say when riding on the back of a snail?

Wheeeeeeeee!
posted by Falconetti at 9:30 PM on December 14, 2005

Have you seen this from the other day? It's kids' jokes, so some might be a little too lame, but at least they're all clean.

What kind of industry or field do you work in? If it's even slightly common, chances are good that someone here knows jokes about it.
posted by booksandlibretti at 9:38 PM on December 14, 2005

building on luriete's pirate theme....

Did you hear about the pirate movie? no? it's rated ARRR!
posted by krudiger at 9:42 PM on December 14, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "hey bartender! how much for a beer?"

The bartender looks at him and say, "for you? no charge!"

hahaha. Especially good if your office is full of science geeks.
posted by fionab at 9:42 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

kind of a joke...

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its' paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

(if for some reason you don't get it, read it aloud)


1. Ask me what the secret to comedy is?

2 what is the sec...


mmmm don't get me started

1. (interrupt) timing
posted by edgeways at 9:42 PM on December 14, 2005

Q: What the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.49, deer nuts are under a buck.

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A fish
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:44 PM on December 14, 2005

A guy walks into a bar. He's ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why they're there. The barman says, "Well, it's part of a little game I have going here. You've got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool cue or anything else. If you manage, I'll give you $200. But if you try it and you don't succeed, you've gotta give me $200."

So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the barman and says, "No, I'm not going to try it." Of course, the barman says, "Why not? Look it's easy, all you've gotta do is get them down off the ceiling." And the guy shakes his head and says, "No, no, I can't do it. The steaks are too high."
posted by chrismear at 9:45 PM on December 14, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Meta-Meta (Pre-Meta?!?)

This is some cutting edge shit, let me tell you! One of these days these Meta-loops are going to collapse in on themselves and form a new universe or two.
posted by Mr T at 9:46 PM on December 14, 2005

This one was voted somewhere as being the funniest joke ever (I think it was a BBC competition). Your mileage may, of course, vary.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are out on a camping trip. They trudge all day, covering lots of miles, and finally decide, just as dusk is falling, that it's time to set up camp for a night.

They put up their tent, start a fire, cook a simple meal, eat, and both being exhausted from the day's exertions, decide to go to sleep.

At about 3 in the morning Holmes shakes Watson awake and says, "Watson, look up at the stars in the sky and tell me what you deduce from them."

Watson is sleepy, but he has learned that there is always a point to even the most random of Holmes's questions, so he does as he's told, and gazes up at the stars.

"Well, Holmes," he says after a moment, "I can see millions of stars. Millions of them. And I guess if there are millions of stars, then around many of those stars there must be planets. And if there are planets around those stars, then some of those planets must be like our planet. And if planets like ours exist around some of those stars, then on some of those planets there may well be people, looking up at the stars and imagining that we exist as well. That's what I deduce from looking up at the stars, Holmes."

And Holmes says, "No, Watson, you fool -- someone has stolen the tent."
posted by planetthoughtful at 9:49 PM on December 14, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
posted by puke & cry at 9:51 PM on December 14, 2005

A priest, a rabbi and a shamman walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

(You can change the characters, but they have to be the type that are commonly used in politically uncorrect jokes)
posted by elquien at 9:54 PM on December 14, 2005

er, incorrect. I've had 1 too many beers tonight...
posted by elquien at 9:54 PM on December 14, 2005

I like chrismear's joke. It's clean and office-brand PC. I hadn't heard it before and it has just enough of a setup that you could work it a bit to sell it; yet it's not too complicated to remember for a novice. Recommendation - always play comedy straight (no mugging). Tell it like it's the most interesting thing you'd seen that day, but don't set it up like a joke. Let the punchline find your audience.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:55 PM on December 14, 2005

*Should have linked to it, I guess.*
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:57 PM on December 14, 2005

Did you hear about the scarecrow who just won an award for being out standing in his field?
posted by forallmankind at 9:58 PM on December 14, 2005

1. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Say, why the long face?"

2. A man walks into a bar...and says "Ow!"
posted by bac at 10:00 PM on December 14, 2005

Is this clean? I have no sense of propriety (no, really?) so you decide for yourself:

A weathly husband and wife go out for the evening. Before they leave, they give their live-in butler the night off. Midway through their dinner, they get into a fight, and the wife leaves in their car. She comes home, bolts the door behind her and stampedes into the living room where she finds the butler on the couch, watching TV. She gets between him and the TV, turns it off, and then turns around to face him. In a very low, even, controlled voice, she says to him: "Jeeves, I want you to unzip my dress and take it off." And he does. Then she says to him: "Jeeves, I want you to unclip my garters and roll down my stockings." And he does. Then she says to him: "Jeeves, I want you to reach around and unclasp my bra." And he does. Finally, she says: "Jeeves, I want you to take off my panties. And if I EVER CATCH YOU IN MY CLOTHES AGAIN...."

More here. Mostly dirty, but a few gems. Remember, it's all in the delivery.
posted by Eideteker at 10:03 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

**** MUST CREDIT KENKO **** JOKE INVENTED BY KENKO **** MUST CREDIT KENKO ****

It seems that in the sixties a certain Hungarian avant-gardist, a composer who's now well known but was then rather obscure, especially outside his own country, was privileged to have some works of his performed. He was rather nervous because, you see, his works were dissonant and atonal in parts, and music of that type was not generally thought highly of by the then-rulers of Poland. He was true to his art, but as it happened he was right to be concerned, for sure enough, as soon as the opening strains of his Ten Pieces for Wind Quintet floated out from the concert hall, an order came down to apprehend the composer who had so let his muse stray. The audience was likewise agitated and the scene soon became confused. An inferior agent of the secret police, when giving a later report to his superiors on how he had managed to lose track of the counterrevolutionary musician, was only able to state that "everything happened so quickly—Ligeti split".
posted by kenko at 10:03 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin. He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?" Pirate replies: "Yes I was in a very serious accident."
posted by puke & cry at 10:04 PM on December 14, 2005

There are great. Thank you. Keep them coming!

Thank you!
posted by pithy comment at 10:04 PM on December 14, 2005

Whoops! s/Poland/Hungary/
posted by kenko at 10:04 PM on December 14, 2005

My favorite's basically an old Emo Philips bit:

When I was a child, my parents told me never to open the cellar door. "Never open the cellar door," the said, and for many years, I obeyed them, although I always wondered what it was that was so dangerous behind the cellar door. And then one day, when there was no one around, I finally got up my courage... I slowly walked over... I put out my hand... and I opened the cellar door. And I saw wonderful things! Amazing things! Trees! The sky! Other children!
posted by scody at 10:05 PM on December 14, 2005 [4 favorites has favorites]

1) Dalai Lama is in New York visiting the UN. Goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

(pause)

Dalai Lama gives the vendor a $20. After a minute the vendor has not given him his change, so he asks, "where's my change"?

"Change must come from within."

2) Skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a beer and a mop."
posted by ldenneau at 10:06 PM on December 14, 2005

I used to have a tape of that Emo routine. That is a great one.
posted by pithy comment at 10:11 PM on December 14, 2005

Mostly clean:

Bear walks into a bar, says: "I'd like a scotch and soda please."

Bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears in this bar"

Bear says, "Whaddya mean you don't serve bears?"

Bartender says, "You see the sign? We have a very strict no bear policy. I can't serve you no matter what."

Bear says, "Listen pal, if you don't give me my drink I'm going to go over there and eat that lady sitting at the bar."

Bartender, "You do whatever you want buddy. WE DON"T SERVE BEARS."

Bear walks over to lady, "Growl...Gulp." Eats the lady up in one gulp. Bear walks back over to bartender says, "Okay buddy, now you gonna gimme my drink or what!?"

Bartendar, "Sorry buster, we don't serve bears, and absolutely don't serve drug addicts in this bar!"

Bear, puzzedly growls, "Wha...? I'm no drug addict!?"

Bartender, wagging finger and tisking, "Tisk, tisk, tisk...what about that Bar-bitch-you ate?" (Get it? Like barbituate...except for a pun!")

The best of my two jokes. My wife has heard it like a million times - but it's great, especially if you sort of growl when you're telling it. Happy yucking!
posted by prettyboyfloyd at 10:11 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman* walk into a bar...
Bartender: "Is this some kind of joke?!"

* adjust stereotypes to taste
posted by normy at 10:12 PM on December 14, 2005

Fella goes duck hunting out in the country, and spends the whole day without seeing a single duck. Finally, as the sun is setting, he spies a single duck flying away from him, and he shoots it down just before it passes out of sight. Excitedly, he runs off into the brush, hops a fence, finds the duck and scoops it up triumphantly.

"Hey there!" calls a voice, "that's my duck!"

The hunter turns to see a very large farmer looming up behind him.

"No it's not, I just shot it!" exclaims the hunter.

"Well, it's on my land, so it's my duck. I reckon we'll have to settle this country-style," the farmer said gravely.

"Country style?"

"Yep. First I kick you in the nuts, and then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep taking turns until someone gives."

The hunter reluctantly agrees, and the farmer takes a dozen steps back, runs up to the hunter and kicks him square in the balls as hard as he can. The hunter crumples to the ground, reeling. Minutes pass, and finally the hunter can muster the strength to stand.

"Okay," croaks the hunter, "my turn."

"Nah, you can have the duck."
posted by popechunk at 10:19 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

The world's funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
posted by Dasein at 10:23 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:29 PM on December 14, 2005

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
posted by Ironmouth at 10:33 PM on December 14, 2005

Hee hee... I can never hear that joke without thinking of the first time I ever saw Monty Python when I was a kid -- it was the sketch about the secret killer jokes during WWII, and the Germans' first attempt was interrupting BBC radio transmissions with that one, delivered in a German accent: "der ver zwei peanuts valking down ze strasse, und one vas assaulted... peanut. Ho-ho." And then "Deutschland Uber Alles" starts blasting while the British family gathered round the radio just looks at each other blankly.

On preview: Gah! You beat me to it!
posted by scody at 10:35 PM on December 14, 2005

The following isn't exactly clean, but it doesn't use any offensive language, so may go well in your repetoire for other occasions.

An Englishman, an American, and a Frenchman (adjust nationalities to taste) are sitting together in an exclusive club, sipping brandy, and discussing the true meaning of 'savoir faire'.

"Well," says the Englishman, "I'd define it in the following way. If you were to come home and find your wife making love to another man, and you said, "Excuse me for intruding," I think that would be savoir faire."

"Hah," says the American. "If you were to come home and find your wife making love to another man, and you said, "Excuse me for intruding, please continue," now that would be savoir faire!"

The Frenchman shakes his head with amusement and says, "No, no, gentlemen. If you were to come home and find your wife making love to another man, and you said, "Excuse me for intruding, please continue," and he could continue? Mon Dieu! Now THAT would be savoir faire!"

An alternate ending that, as far as I know, is original to my telling of the above, goes:

The Frenchman shakes his head with amusement and says, "No, no, gentlemen. If you were to come home and find your wife making love to another man, and you said, "Excuse me for intruding, please continue," I would continue, and THAT would be savoir faire!"
posted by planetthoughtful at 10:42 PM on December 14, 2005

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None-- if the lightbulb needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
posted by Shoeburyness at 10:46 PM on December 14, 2005

Scene: a ritzy bar at the top of the space needle.

D.P: An obviously drunk guy with glasses at one end, a guy with a briefcase coming in to unwind, and the bartender.

Opens:
Glasses: BARKEEP! 'Nother roun', pleash! Make it a double Urp.

[briefcase sits down at bar]

Glasses: And one f'r m'frien' here!

Briefcase: Hey thanks, man! Cheers.

[they both drink.]

Glasses: Y'know what I like 'bout the Spash Needle? I mean, beshides the arch'teksher an' all.

Briefcase: It's tall?

Glasses: Yesh! 'tis. Ver' tall. Y'know wha' else?

Briefcase: Umm, no.

Glasses: Well, 's got a p'culiar airflow to it. I mean, I could jump righ' ou' tha' winder, an' the win'd push ya righ' back up!

Briefcase: Haw! Yeah right.

Glasses: No, really! Watch!

[Glasses gets up, falls over, and picks himself up. He stumbles over to the window and jumps out. Moments later, he floats up and lands back on the ledge.]

Briefcase: WOW! That's incredible! Let me try!

[Briefcase walks over to the window, looks back to see Glasses giving him the thumbs up, and leaps out.]

[a distant THUMP is heard.]

Bartender: You know, Superman, you can be a real dick when you're drunk.
posted by gilgul at 10:56 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

A seal walks into a club...
posted by null terminated at 10:58 PM on December 14, 2005

A duck walks into a convenience store, goes up to the counter, and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "I'm sorry, but no, we don't have any grapes." The duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the convenience store, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No, sorry, no grapes." The duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the convenience store, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No. This is a convenience store. We don't sell fruit. We don't have any grapes." The duck walks out.

The next day the duck walks into the convenience store, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?"

This time, the clerk loses it. He glares at the duck, leans forward over the counter so his face is inches from the duck's, and says, "Listen, I told you three times already that we don't have any grapes. We don't carry grapes. You come into my store again and ask for grapes, and I'm gonna nail your beak to the counter!"

A couple of days go by with no sign of the duck. But on the third day, the duck walks into the convenience store and goes up to the counter. The clerk stands there watching him, his face turning red and steam coming out of his ears. The duck looks at him, and says, "Got any nails?"

The clerk looks at him, exhales, and then says in a gentle voice, "No, sorry, we don't have any nails."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Some more here.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:59 PM on December 14, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Defective Yeti had a sort of joke roundup a while back, and some of them are outstanding. There are hundreds and hundreds of jokes here. Enjoy.

My favorite:

A man is standing behind a woman at the checkout line. She's got a pint of ice cream, a bunch of bananas, a gallon of milk and some bread. The man looks at these items carefully and then asks the woman, "Are you single?" She replies, "Wow, can you tell that just by looking at what I'm buying?" He says, "No, I can tell that because you're ugly as hell."

Most of them are nicer though. Click the link.
posted by Sfving at 11:00 PM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

1. A drunk stumbling down the street sees a nun in full habit. He rushes her and knocks her down. Standing over her, he yells, "Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

2. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

3. A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
posted by rob511 at 11:42 PM on December 14, 2005

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: "Do you smell carrots?"
posted by blue_beetle at 11:43 PM on December 14, 2005

I can't take credit for these but they're safe*:

Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was no great shakes but the reception was excellent.

The world's worst bandleader gets in a fight with his orchestra -- he's so bad his players confront him. This piques his stereotypical conductor temper and he throws a music stand at the first violinist, killing him. He's tried for murder and gets sentenced to the electric chair. As he's led to the death chamber he's asked if he's got any last requests. "One," he says, "I'd like a fresh banana."

So he gets his banana, the guards put him in the chair and he proceeds to peel and eat the banana, (miming this is key when you're telling the joke) puts the peel in his front right pocket, settles in comfortably and with a smirk tells the warden he's ready -- throw the switch. They throw that Frankenstein switch they alway have in the chair room and... nothing happens!

The executioner's dumbfounded and they take him back to his cell to figure out what went wrong. (It helps to mime the staff's reaction here, too.)

As in most jokes, this happens two or three more times, with the bandleader's peeling actions and smirk becoming more exaggerated and the prison staff's reaction becoming more dumbfounded each time. Finally the warden tells the bandleader the governor is going to commute his sentence because trying to kill him any more would be cruel and unusual punishment. "Just one thing," the warden asks, "the executioner wants to know how those bananas kept you from getting killed."

"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it," replies the bandleader. "It's just that, you see," now with the biggest smirk yet, "I'm a really lousy conductor."

Try your waitress, tip the veal, yada yada yada.

Less safe:

Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

I've only ever heard this one with a Yiddish accent:
Two old women sitting on the porch at a Catskills resort, trying to outdo each other The first woman says "When my first child was born, my husband bought me a mansion in Scarsdale!"
The second woman says, "Fantastic!"
Woman 1: "When my second child was born my husband bought me a Chrysler Imperial 30 feet long!" (this is an old joke.)
W2: "Fantastic!"
"And when my third child was born, my husband bought me the most expensive diamond bracelet they had at Tiffany's."
"Fantastic!"
W1: So what did your husband buy you when your first child was born?
W2: He sent me to charm school.
W1: Charm school? Psshh.. what for?
W2: So instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I could learn to say "fantastic!"

I've got two more that are kind of safe but they only work in Greek -- one capitalizes on the language's use of the same term for "candle" and "suppository." Oh well.

Sorry if any of these are retreads but I was too bleary-eyed to go through the whole thread.

*Why is it that the funniest ones never are safe?

Joe Franklin raped me.
posted by Opposite George at 11:45 PM on December 14, 2005

Two more really unsafe puns that always made me groan, courtesy of my old college buddy Jose, a gay Puerto Rican fireman:

Did you hear about the two Puerto Rican firemen -- Jose and Hose B?

-- and --

Did you hear about the two gay Irish guys -- Kevin Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzkevin? (say it.)*

A safer one that was only funny when I heard it in badly-accented Greek, and only because the person speaking badly-accented Greek was Dan Ackroyd telling it to Bill Murray in the background of one of SNL's "Cheeseburger" sketches:

A man's eating lunch in a restaurant. He calls the waiter over and tells him, "I've got some bad news and some worse news -- which do you want to hear first?"

The waiter opts to hear the merely bad news first.

"The bad news is there's a fly in my soup."

"Okay, what's the worse news?"

"It's the best part of the meal!"


*I said they weren't safe... I didn't say they were good.
posted by Opposite George at 12:00 AM on December 15, 2005

Hey, that snail one reminds me of this:

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was all excited and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
posted by mono blanco at 12:02 AM on December 15, 2005

(borrowed from Jimmy Carr)

Friend of mine went out recently and pulled two women. I said "they're like busses". "Yeah", he said, "nothing for ages and then two come along". "No" I said, "they ... are ... like ... busses".

I thought it was funny.
posted by mr_silver at 12:54 AM on December 15, 2005

William Shakespeare walks into a pub - the landlord says:
"Oi! Out of here, you! You're Bard!"
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:16 AM on December 15, 2005

lester was close, but:

two guys walk into a bar. second guy should've known better.

--

this one's fishy... lady hails a cab at boston's logan airport; she's just been on a long flight and she's hungry. looking to try a local delicacy, she asks, "you know where a girl can get scrod around here?" says the cabbie: "wow! i've never heard that in the past pluperfect tense before."
posted by thejoshu at 1:18 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

not exactly clean, but:
The Chicken and the Egg are in bed. The Egg's dragging on a cigarette. Turns to the Chicken and says "well I guess that answers THAT question!"

and cleaner:

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. Then he goes back into the bar and asks the bartender for a beer again. The bartender says "aren't you that same piece of string that was just in here?" The string replies "no, I'm a frayed knot!"

and silly:
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
"Wasabi"
posted by purplefiber at 1:19 AM on December 15, 2005

I've been telling this one for the last two weeks:
A man buys a pitbull. A few days later he notices that she's cross-eyed, so he takes her to the vet.
"Doc, can you look at my dog? IShe's cross-eyed!"
The vet picks up the dog and looks in her eyes, then he looks at her teeth.
"I'm going to have to put her down, sir" The vet says.
"What? Just because she's cross-eyed?"
"No... because she's really friggin heavy!"
posted by muddylemon at 2:03 AM on December 15, 2005

My only joke:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
posted by antifuse at 2:37 AM on December 15, 2005

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a hardware problem!
posted by Fat Guy at 2:38 AM on December 15, 2005

Q. Who swears the most on TV?
A. Roadrunner.
posted by holloway at 2:54 AM on December 15, 2005

Two boys are playing catch in Rock Creek Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Redskins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in DC I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again. "Captials Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."

"I'm not a Captials fan either," the boy said.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in DC was either for the Redskins or the Captials. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet."
posted by Fat Guy at 2:57 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

And "catch" above should be "hockey". Change places and team names to suit your locale.
posted by Fat Guy at 2:59 AM on December 15, 2005

Perhaps not entirely safe, but not too bad...

The 7 dwarfs are on holiday in Rome (Italy). Dopey seeks an audience with the Pope.

"Holy Father, please tell me something - are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No my son, " replies the Pope, "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

The other dwarves - including Grumpy - smirk quietly.

"But Holy Father - I *must* know - are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Eurpope?"
The Pope looks at Dopey gently. "No, I'm afraid there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

Happy barely manages to smother a laugh. The others avoid making eye contact with each other, so that they don't set each other off laughing...

Dopey wrings his hands desperately.

"There must be a dwarf nun somewhere. Holy Father please - isn't there at least one dwarf nun somewhere in the World?"
The Pope closes his eyes and sighs. "I'm afraid that there are no dwarf nuns anywhere, my Son."

Happy can contain himself no longer - he falls to the floor in hysterics, clutching his sides. The other dwarves call out to Dopey:



"See - we told you that it was a penguin you slept with!"
posted by Chunder at 3:03 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for A BIG ORANGE HEAD!"

sorry.
posted by milquetoast at 3:06 AM on December 15, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Another science one in a similar vein to fionab's neutron joke...

Two sub-atomic particles meet at a party.

"Hi there, " says the boy particle to the girl particle. "I'm a proton."

"Are you sure?" she asks.

"Yes, " he replies confidently, "I'm positive."
posted by Chunder at 3:12 AM on December 15, 2005

Jerry Sadowitz is a magician cum comedian in the UK. He had a show on Channel 4. This was the last joke that got broadcast before he went off-air. Its neither clean nor non-offensive. Still want to repeat it though,

-How do you make your granny's toes curl?
-Shag her with tights on.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:15 AM on December 15, 2005

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because six inches would look stupid on an elephant.

I thangyew.
posted by Hogshead at 3:28 AM on December 15, 2005

My Favourite joke:
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

My Second Favourite Joke:
What would you rather bee or a wasp?
posted by roofus at 3:29 AM on December 15, 2005

I have three children, two older boys and a daughter. My oldest son, Jimmy came downstairs this morning, and my wife asked him what he wanted for breakfast. "Give me some fuckin pancakes." She was outraged, slapped him in the face and sent him back upstairs.

Our second son, Matty came downstairs after that, and my wife asked what he wanted for breakfast. "I'd like some fuckin pancakes", he replied. She was aghast, slapped him in the face and sent him back upstairs.

Then our precious daughter, Emily, came downstairs. My wife says "hey there pretty lady, what would you like for breakfast?" and she thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know, but I definitely don't want the fuckin pancakes."
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:37 AM on December 15, 2005

Tasteless perhaps, but not really offensive per se...

One day, Dracula dies, and tootles off to the afterlife. It's Buddhas turn to on the rota to be the ruling deity, and he tells Dracula that he hasn’t been good enough during his lifetime, and will be reincarnated several steps down the Social Order, as an animal - he won't be able to change to be a human any more.
"What would you like to be reincarnated as?" asks Buddha.
Dracula ponders for a moment, grins, and says "Something with wings that sucks blood!!".
Buddha frowns slightly in thought, and says "Sobeit!" and reincarnates Dracula as a Vampire bat.

After a short while, Dracula the Vampire bat is killed by a farmer protecting his animals, and ends up back in the afterlife.
Buddha is beginning to catch on, and says "You hardly repented in that lifetime - you’ll have to be reincarnated as something lower than an animal! An insect! What will it be?"
Dracula pauses to think, then chortles aloud: "Something with wings that sucks blood!!!"
Buddha curses under his breath, and says "Right-o! A mosquito it is!", and Dracula is reincarnated as a mosquito.

This existence doesn’t last long at all, and Dracula is swatted within the first day, after causing havoc in a crowded train, a nudist beach, and a shopping mall.
He returns to the afterlife, and implores Buddha to give him another chance.

"Okay", says Buddha, "Last chance. Since you’ve been so bad, I will have to reincarnate you as something that isn’t alive."

"Fine!", replies Dracula, "As long as it has wings and sucks blood, I don’t care!"

Buddha did his stuff, and Dracula was reincarnated...


... as a sanitary towel ;-)
posted by Chunder at 3:41 AM on December 15, 2005

Two priests have died, and they’re standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to be let in. Saint Peter appeared and said "Sorry chaps, but we can’t let anyone else in for a while, as we just installed the latest Windows upgrade on our computer, and it doesn’t work any more. In the meantime, I can let you be temporarily reincarnated as anything that you want!"

"Wow!" exclaims the first priest, "I’ve always wanted to be an Eagle, to be able to swoop and soar far above the Earth."
"Sobeit!" replied St. Peter, and the first Priest was turned into an Eagle, and off he flew.

"Hang on!" said the second priest, "If your computer has crashed, how will you keep a record of what we have done, and stuff?"
"We can’t." St. Peter responded, "This life won’t count towards the balance of things - you are free to be anything, and do anything, that you could possibly desire without penalty!"

"Well, in that case, " said the priest, "can I be a... .. stud??"

"Certainly, " said St. Peter, "SOBEIT!".

Later, when the computer was up and running again, an apprentice asked St. Peter "How will you go about retrieving those two priests that you sent back a while ago? Won’t it be quite tricky since we couldn’t keep track of them?"

"Well, " said St. Peter, "The first priest should be quite easy to find - he’s been flying around those mountains, enjoying the scenery...
"The second, however... hmmmm... you could be right... he’s on a snow-tyre somewhere in Alaska!"
posted by Chunder at 3:43 AM on December 15, 2005

So I'm out at a bar, and this hooker comes up to me and orders a drink. While she's waiting for the bartender she leans over and whispers in my ear "baby, I'll do anything you want for $300, as long as you can describe it in three words or less."

I'm a bit taken aback, but the offer is simply too good to refuse. So I take out my wallet, count out three bills and say "Paint... My... House."
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:44 AM on December 15, 2005

A coach-load of OAP’s are out on a day trip travelling around the country.

Suddenly, without warning, one of the old ladies leaps into the air, shrieking that she has been molested, even though they are miles along a country lane, in the middle of nowhere.
The coach driver stops the coach, and asks if anyone saw anything. All replies were negative, so the old lady sat down sheepishly, and the driver got underway once again.

A couple of miles along the road, the same old lady leaps into the air once more, saying, again, that she has been molested.
The driver, wondering whether she was all there, humoured her, and had a look under her seat.
Sure enough, there was an old bald chap curled up underneath.

When asked what he was doing down there, he replied: "I’m looking for my toupee - I almost had it twice, but it got away both times!"


Should I stop yet? I've got some more ones which are - IMO - very funny and pretty easy to remember...
posted by Chunder at 3:44 AM on December 15, 2005

Somewhere in the Soviet Union, 193-

The ‘phone rings at the KGB headquarters:
"Da?"
Furtive voice: "My neighbour, Yankel Rabinovitz, is an enemy of the state - he is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
Click.

The next day, the KGB go to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed in which he keeps his firewood, breaking up all the wood they find to ensure that they don’t miss anything. They find no diamonds, so they curse Rabinovitz, and leave.

Later, Rabinovitz’s telephone rings:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes."
"Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed"
posted by Chunder at 3:46 AM on December 15, 2005

I bought a box of animal crackers, and it said "Do not eat if seal is broken." I opened it up, and wouldn't you know...
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:47 AM on December 15, 2005

Kind-of seasonal:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into an hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because, " came the reply, "it’s the wrong season to have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
posted by Chunder at 3:48 AM on December 15, 2005

Last one, I promise...

On a train to a large computer convention, there were a bunch of computer programmers, and a crowd of computer engineers.
Each of the programmers had a ticket, whilst the engineers only had one ticket between them. The programmers laughed at this, sure that the engineers would get caught out, and kicked off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, called "Here comes the conductor!", all of the engineers leapt up, crowded into the toilet, and locked the door. The programmers sat there looking puzzled.

The conductor came into the carriage, and asked "Tickets please!", and collected the tickets from each of the programmers. On his way to the next carriage, the conductor passed the toilet cubicle and noted that it was locked. He knocked on the door, and asked "Ticket please!". The engineers pushed their ticket under the door, which the conductor collected.

When the conductor had gone, the engineers left the toilet, and returned to their seats. The programmers felt really silly.

On the way back from the convention, the same two groups shared a carriage. This time, the programmers decided to try the engineers method of saving money, and only bought one ticket between them all. However, when the programmers met the engineers, they noticed that they didn’t even have the one ticket, so again, they laughed at them.

When the lookout called "Here comes the conductor!", all of the engineers went into one toilet cubicle, and all the programmers crowded into another.

Before the conductor actually came aboard, one of the engineers left their cubicle, knocked on the programmers toilet, and asked "Ticket please!"


Note: change occupations to fit your audience...
posted by Chunder at 3:51 AM on December 15, 2005

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:55 AM on December 15, 2005

I'm out at poker night, right after we got our Christmas bonuses, and a terrible thing happens. After losing with four a kind, my friend Collin drops dead of a heart attack.

So we have a discussion about who should tell his wife, and it's decided that since I was his closest friend, I should be the one. On the drive to her house, I'm pondering what I'm going to say to her.

I knock on their door, his wife answers, and I say "Collin just lost his whole Christmas bonus on a single hand of poker."

She angrily replies "Tell that bastard to fuck off an die."

I answer, "Okay, I'll tell him."
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:13 AM on December 15, 2005

A woman goes to a casino for the first time in her life. She's watching the roulette wheel, and an attractive man asks her if she'd like to play.

She says she'd love to, but she doesn't know what number to pick. He says that she should play her age.

She smiles at the man, puts $50 down on 29 and the croupier spins the wheel.

The ball stops on 36, and the woman faints.
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:34 AM on December 15, 2005

Knock Knock joke variation.

Say you have a good knock knock joke. Ask the other person to start and when they say knock knock ask "whos there"
posted by Raybun at 4:42 AM on December 15, 2005

Why don't canniblas eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
posted by whatisish at 5:03 AM on December 15, 2005

What's the difference between mean and fish?

If you beat your fish, it's going to die.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 5:08 AM on December 15, 2005

A Mohel was nearing retirement. Every time he had done a circumcision, he had saved the foreskin. After many years he had saved a very large number of foreskins. He thought it would be nice if he had something to have as a memento of his years as a Mohel. He had a friend that was in the leather goods business. So he brought the big box of foreskins to his friend and asked if he could make them into something that would remind him of his years working as a Mohel. His friend said "Sure, I cam make you something, come back in a week and it will be ready" and took the box into his shop. He came back to his friends' shop a week later and was given a beautiful wallet that had been made from the foreskins. He was very happy with the wallet and asked how much he owed. "Ten thousand dollars"
"Ten thousand dollars just for a wallet? This is outrageous" "Hold on, don't get upset, this is not an ordinary wallet, if you stroke it, it will turn into a suitcase."
posted by Raybun at 5:10 AM on December 15, 2005

whatisish said: Why don't canniblas eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

I already beat you to that one - and I spelled cannibals properly :)
posted by antifuse at 5:10 AM on December 15, 2005

Guy and gal go on date to trattoria. They arrive, they order and she disappears to powder her nose.
He waits 10 minutes...
He waits 20 minutes...
He waits half an hour!
'Will she ever return?' He sighs. When she eventually comes back, the food has arrived and he's squidging the pasta about with his fingers.

'What on earth do you think you are doing', she screams in disgust.

'I was just feeling cannelloni'
posted by patricio at 5:14 AM on December 15, 2005

1.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I have bad news. Your wife either has Alzheimer's, or she has AIDS.

MAN: What? Either Alzheimer's or AIDS and you can't tell which one? What am I supposed to do about that?

DOCTOR: Take your wife out for a drive into the mountains and leave her there.

MAN: Then what?

DOCTOR: If she comes back, don't fuck her.
posted by emelenjr at 5:29 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

A man is out drinking at his neighborhood pub and realizes he needs to leave before his wife finds out.

He gets up off the barstool and BOOM, falls to the floor. He tries to pull himself up but falls down again.

He thinks to himself, "if I can just crawl over to the door and get some fresh air, I can gather myself and walk home."

He crawls over to the door, tries to pull himself up and take a step and BOOM, falls to the floor again.

He thinks to himself, "wow, I must be drunker then I thought!" But he knows that he can't call the wife because he would just be in trouble.

He proceeds to crawl all the way home, crawl up the stairs, and pull himself quietly into the bed. He thinks to himself, "cool, I didn't get caught."

The next morning, he wakes and sees his wife glaring at him. She says, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE OUT DRINKING AGAIN!!"

He asks how she knows??

She says, "the Bartender called, you left your wheelchair there again!"
posted by keep it tight at 5:30 AM on December 15, 2005

What's another word for thesaurus?
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:38 AM on December 15, 2005

I have an affinity for broken jokes but be warned that languagehat won't get them.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:46 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

A guy was sitting in a bar. The bartender noticed that the guy was softly crying. He went over and asked what was wrong. "I have just written the most beautiful song and nobody will publish it. There was a piano in the bar. The guy asked if he could play his song. It was so beautiful that one by one, every patron in the bar cried. When the song was finished, the batender went over and told the guy "that was the most beautiful song I have ever heard" "What do you call it?" "I love you so fucking much I could shit"
posted by Raybun at 6:03 AM on December 15, 2005

There's an eight-year old boy named James, who's the only son of a very wealthy widower.

A few days before James' ninth birthday, his father comes to him and says, "James, your birthday's next week. You can have absolutely anything in the world you want. What will it be?"

"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd like a pink ping-pong ball."

"A what?" says his dad.

"A pink ping-pong ball," repeats James.

So, James' dad gives a non-commital response and walks away. Since a pink ping-pong ball is hardly a fitting birthday gift, he goes out that day and buys the fastest, neatest bicycle he can possibly fine.

On James' birthday, his dad gives him the bike. And he really loves it. He rides it all around the grounds of their mansion, and really has a blast. But, what he really wanted was that pink ping-pong ball.

Soon enough, it's the week before James' twelfth birthday. Again, his father comes to him and asks what he'd like.

"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd really like a pink ping-pong ball."

"Are you sure there isn't something else you'd like?" asks his dad.

"No, I really just want a pink ping-pong ball."

So again his father gives a non-commital response, and goes away.

On his birthday this year, James receives a brand-new, next-generation video game system and a copy of every game published for it. James loves the crap out of that video game, and plays it constantly for weeks on end. But, even as he's kicking alien ass, he can't help but feel a little disappointed that he didn't get his pink ping-pong ball.

Three days before James' sixteenth birthday, his father comes to him and asks what he'd like.

"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd really like a pink ping-pong ball."

"You ask for that every year, James. And, I'm not getting it for you. It's not a fitting birthday gift," says his father somewhat angrily.

James' father rushes out that day, goes to the dealership, and buys his son an absolutely top-of-the-line Ferrari. He brings it home and hands James the keys.

James really loves the car, and drives it everywhere for years. He gets into street racing, and wins not a few of his challenges. But, as much fun as the sportscar is, he really wishes he could have just gotten the pink ping-pong ball.

On James' twenty-first birthday, his father again comes to him and asks that fateful question.

"Well, Dad," says James, "What I'd really like is a pink ping-pong ball."

"Absolutely not, James!" his father roars, "That's not a birthday present fit for my boy. I'm retiring soon, and you'll be made head of the company. What kind of a chairman asks for ping-pong balls? Go to Chez Michael in the city. Your birthday party is there. Open bar, and I've already invited all of your friends."

So James goes to his party and has a really excellent time, drinking and dancing with his friends. But, the whole time he wishes his dad had just gotten him a pink ping-pong ball.

Well, on his way home from the party, James, not a little drunk, runs his speeding Ferrari into an oak tree. He's thrown through the windshield, and out onto the highway. A passing motorist calls 911, and the police and EMS show up rather quickly. The EMTs have a look at James and realize they can't move him, and that the boy's going to die soon.

They call James' father, and tell him the horrible news. He drives like a bat out of hell and within minutes, he's arrived at the scene. Tears streak down his face as he kneels next to his son.

"James," he says, "I love you."

"I love you too, Dad," says James.

"There's one thing I have to know," says his father, "Why did you always ask for a pink ping-pong ball?"

"Well, Dad," says James, "I'll tell you--"

At that moment, James dies.

------

Delivery notes: finish the joke and immediately leave the stage. Like, the 's' in "dies" should still be on your lips as you sit down. But don't rush the "punchline".
posted by Netzapper at 6:12 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

A woman discovered an old lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. "Thank you for releasing me from the lamp" I will grant you three wishes in gratitude for my freedom"

"I want to be rich"

POOF

She was wealthy beyond comprehension.

"I want to be gorgeous"

POOF

She was so wondrous that even the trees turned towards her beauty.

"Turn my cat fluffy into the most handsome man in the world"

POOF

This Adonis stood before her. He held his arms out to her. "I love you" "I want you" "Why did you have me neutered?"
posted by Raybun at 6:14 AM on December 15, 2005

planetthoughtful, I have heard that joke with "sang-froid" instead of savoir-faire. Just my opinion, but I think it makes a bit more sense that way.
posted by teleskiving at 6:16 AM on December 15, 2005

Took me a while to realise that Dipsomaniac meant to write "meat" instead of "mean"...

What's the difference between mean and fish?

If you beat your fish, it's going to die.


Whilst I'm here, it seems like there's an awful lot of jokes appearing which aren't really in keeping with the original request for "good clean jokes"... or perhaps they are, but only for certain interpretations of "good" and "clean"! :-)


@Netzapper - am I being stupid, or is there really nothing in that joke that's supposed to be funny? i.e. it's a big and annoying version of Wolfdog's favoured broken jokes? Grr!
posted by Chunder at 6:23 AM on December 15, 2005

Q. How come a chicken coop only has two doors?
A. If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
posted by jessamyn at 6:36 AM on December 15, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

A man buys an elephant, but is aghast at how much it costs to feed him. He toys around with a few ideas and settles on having a contest. He looks up an The Big Book of Elephant Trivia and discovers that elephants are incapable of jumping straight up in the air. He offers a prize for anyone who can make his elephant jump. People come from miles around, pay an entrance fee and inevitably leave without success. All was going swimmingly until a man in a little red sports car pulls up and takes a baseball bat out of his car. He pays he fee and walks up and looks the elephant right in the eye. He walks around back and whacks the elephant as hard as he can in the balls. Sure enough, the elephant jumps straight up in the air. He collects his prize money and leaves.
The man is distraught - he's now in worse shape than before. He decides on another contest and consults his book again. He finds that elephants can't move their heads side to side, so once again he sets that up as a contest. People come from miles around, pay an entrance fee and leave somewhat poorer. He was raking in money and all was well until a man in a little red sports car pulls up and takes a baseball bat out of his car. He pays his fee and walks up and looks the elephant in the eye.
He says, "Remember me?" (nod your head vigorously) "Want me to do it again?" (move your head side to side vigorously)
posted by plinth at 6:43 AM on December 15, 2005

*made up by me*

My sister has a unique perspecting on the members of my family. She thinks each of the rest of us are historic leaders masquerading as newsreporters. According to her, my father is Hitler, working for the Post. My mother is Mussolini writing for the Times, and me? I'm Stalin, for Time.
posted by vanoakenfold at 7:04 AM on December 15, 2005

Industry question: I'm in a social sciences university setting with a tad bit of public radio on the side. I'm quick to respond, too.
posted by pithy comment at 7:43 AM on December 15, 2005

A baby seal walks into a club.


or if you don't like that one...

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner.
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
posted by sciencejock at 8:02 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

1: Knock Knock
2: Who's there?
1: Control Freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"
posted by amarynth at 8:10 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

These two courtesy of Garrison Kiellor.

A guy goes into the doctor's office, feeling terrible. After examining him, the doc says: "The news isn't good. You don't have much time left."

"Oh God!" the man says. "How long do I have?"

"Ten," says the doc.

"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months? What, doc?"

"Nine. Eight..."

**
A guy has a very smart dog, a retriever. Over the years, he trained the dog to buy his beer. The routine was that he'd slip a $5 bill under the dog's collar, and the dog would trot down to the corner bar, where the barman knew to take the $5 and give the dog a six-pack of cheap beer in a brown paper bag. The dog would then trot back home with the bag in his mouth.

One night, the guy finds he hasn't got a $5. So instead, he takes a $20 and slips it under the collar, figuring the barman will slip the change back under the collar. Off the dog went. After a few minutes, no dog. The guy waits another few minutes -- still no dog. He pulls on his boots and heads out toward the corner bar, looking all over the streets and yards -- no dog. Finally, he arrives at the bar, pulls open the door, and sees the dog sitting up on the barstool, drinking a vodka gimlet.

"What is this?" The guy says, dumbfounded. "You never did this before!" To which the dog replies:

"I never had the money before."

That last joke is one of my all-time favorites. I love most talking-dog jokes, but what really makes it for me is the ridiculous specificity of the vodka gimlet. Also, render the last line with great resentment and bitterness.
posted by Miko at 8:33 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Rene! What'll you have?"

And Rene Descartes says, "I think I'll have a beer, please."

The bartender serves Rene his beer, and about twenty minutes pass. The bartender says, "Hey, Rene, looks like you're getting a little low there... can I get you another?"

And Rene Descates says, "Yeah, I think I'll have another beer, thanks."

The bartender pours Rene another, and goes back to his other bartending duties. After another twenty minutes or so, the bartender heads back to Rene's spot at the bar and says, "Hey, Rene, you about ready for another?"

And Rene Descartes says, "No, I don't think--" and POOF! He disappears.
posted by inging at 8:39 AM on December 15, 2005

You: Knock Knock?
Audience: Who's there?
You: Interrupting cow
Audience: Interrupting c[MOO]ow who?

(tip: Say MOO really loudly.)

Also:
Question: What kind of fish has no eyes?
Answer: a fsh

(tip: Make sure to draw out the shhhh sound)
posted by blackkar at 8:41 AM on December 15, 2005

/me thinks about inging's joke for a bit, and then laughs once I remember the phrase that Descartes is most well known for... bravo!
posted by Chunder at 8:51 AM on December 15, 2005

So this eccentric guy hires a contractor to make his dream house. The only thing is it is to be made out of blue bricks. At great expense a batch of blue bricks are made and the house built. While cleaning up, the foreman finds a leftover blue brick. He thinks, no else will want a blue brick and just throws it as hard as he can.
Don't get it? Just think about it some. Here's another one in the same vein:
Back when smoking was allowed on planes, a rich old lady was flying with her little yip dog. A guy across the aisle starts smoking a smelly cigar. She says "put out that cigar, its making my dog cough". The guy doesn't a see the dog coughing, but puts out the cigar. Later, the lady drifts off to sleep and the guy lights up again. The lady rouses and says "I told you to put out that cigar, it bothers my dog" and snatches the cigar and flings it out the window. The guy flips out, grabs the dog and throws it out the window. The lady screams and runs to the window, when she looks out, do you know what she saw?

A blue brick.
posted by 445supermag at 8:51 AM on December 15, 2005

inging's joke works a little better if Descartes answers "I think not."

Miko, my favorite talking dog joke:

Two dogs are out playing in a field when the sky clouds over. One dog says to the other, "we should get to the barn, it's going to rain."

So the dogs run into the barn, and just then the skies open up and the rain pours down.

"See that," says the first dog, "I told you it was going to rain."

"Yep," says the second, "you were sure right."

Two horses are standing in their stalls nearby watching the dogs. Upon hearing their conversation, one horse turns to the other with surprise and says . . .

"Well will you look at that? Talking dogs!"
posted by The Bellman at 9:10 AM on December 15, 2005

Q. Where do generals keep their armies?

A. In their sleevies!

(never fails to evoke a smirk or a cackle)
posted by missmobtown at 9:16 AM on December 15, 2005

Two silk worms were in a race.

It ended in a tie.

(I don't know why, but when I was younger, every time I even told this one, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing for the longest time. I think the simplicity just killed me.)
posted by bibbit at 9:20 AM on December 15, 2005

Some literary bartender jokes:

Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?

James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.

Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.

Franz Kafka: I'd like a mineral water.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
Franz Kafka: I can't digest solid food.

Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?

Virginia Woolf: I'll take your second-best cognac and unadulterated experience.
Bartender: We don't have that. This is a bar.
Virginia Woolf: Patriarchy! (drowns)

admittedly these don't play as well when spoken aloud as when read, but I couldn't resist posting--you know, for posterior's sake.
posted by missmobtown at 9:21 AM on December 15, 2005 [4 favorites has favorites]

for posterior's sake!
posted by pithy comment at 9:34 AM on December 15, 2005

thank you, I'll be here all week.
posted by missmobtown at 9:37 AM on December 15, 2005

1) Why would we have stayed in the garden of eden, had Adam and Eve been Vietnamese? .... they would have eaten the snake.

2) A man is walking along the beach when he finds a lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie says, 'For releasing me I will grant thee three wishes.' The man thinks and says, 'I wish for health and wealth for all myself and all the people I care about.'. The genie snaps his fingers and says 'done'. The man is amazed and impressed and decides to do something for mankind. He says, 'I wish for world peace!'. The genie squints at him a second then snaps his finger and says, 'it is so.'. For his third wish the man thinks for a while until he has a eureka moment and says, 'My entire life I've wanted to see Hawaii, but I have a terrible fear of flying. I wish there was a highway that I could just drive to Hawaii.'. The genie looks aghast and says, 'hey, thats too big. The other two were within my power but that one I cant do.' The man is really disappointed, and says ' oh man, ok ... let me think a moment about something else'. The man thinks for a while until he excitedly gets it and say, ' Oh, I know! My entire life Ive never been able to get women. Can you make it that I understand women?' . The genie looks at him and says, 'How many lanes for the highway?'
posted by blueyellow at 9:59 AM on December 15, 2005

Thanks for all these great jokes. I've been laughing at my desk all day and everyone is wondering what is wrong with me now. I'm not going to mark a 'best answer' but here are a few of my favoirtes so far:

• The Cellar Door
• Got any grapes?
• Surrealist Painters
• High Steaks
• Sherlock Holmes
• Bad Conductor
• The Butler
• The Pirate and the ship's wheel
• Dalai Lama
• Hunters
• Snail(s) at the door
• Pitbull
• Ham bush!
• KGB might also apply to DHS
• Chess Nuts
• Train tickets
• Roulette
• Chicken coop
• Talking dogs

I also found the broken jokes to be rather amusing.
posted by pithy comment at 10:12 AM on December 15, 2005

A man has twin sons, and as they grow, he notices that they have very distinct personalities. One is ever the optimist, and the other is an inconsolable pessimist.

Well, this bothers the man. He wants to show his optimistic son that the world isn't always bright and cheery, and he wants his pessimistic son to learn that not everything is bad. So, on their eigth birthdays, he decides to teach them these lessons.

While the boys are off at school, the man fills the pessimistic boy's room with toys. Fantastic, wonderful toys, packed all the way to the ceiling. He fills the optimistic boy's room with horse shit. Mounds of horse shit, packed all the way to the ceiling. He then leaves for work.

When he returns home that evening, he opens his front door and hears hysterical crying coming from the pessimistic boy's room. Sighing, he heads in that direction to see what the problem is. "Son," he says, "why on earth are you crying? I've filled your room with toys. Fantastic, wonderful toys, all the way to the ceiling. Surely you must be having a happy birthday!"

The boy just shakes his head and continues to sob, whining, "But Daaaaad, all theses toys will need batteries, and what if they break, or what if I lose them, and what if all my friends are jealous of me and my toys?"

The man shakes his head, deciding that this son is a lost cause. He moves on to the optimist's room, to see how that boy is dealing with his birthday surprise.

When he opens the door, he sees his optimistic son dancing around, jumping into the pile of horse shit and giggling madly. The man is taken aback, and worries that this son may not be 'all there,' if you know what I mean. And he asks the boy, "Son, what on earth are you so happy about?"

To which the boy replies, "Well, Daddy, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"
posted by inging at 10:39 AM on December 15, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?

A: A brick!
posted by Specklet at 10:41 AM on December 15, 2005

Two nuns driving home late on Hallowe'en, a bit freaked out and looking out for anything spooky. Suddenly a vampire lands on the window screen with a blood curdling scream.

The nun who's driving shouts "Quick, Olive, show him your cross".

Olive winds the window down and screams [top of your voice] "Get off the fucking car you baaaastard!"

(amend language according to audience)
posted by penguin pie at 10:46 AM on December 15, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

A followup to blackkar's interruptting cow knock knock joke--this requires you to be face to face with someone.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interupting Giraffe
Interupting Giraff [at this point stretch your neck toward the person making big giraffe eyes, timing is everything]

**********

What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Well anyone can roast beef . . .

**********

What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Hey! Nice belt!

**********

Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
posted by donovan at 10:50 AM on December 15, 2005

And if you happen to know a lot of geeks where you work:

A byte goes into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"

"Parity error," says the byte.

"Yeah," says the bartender, "you looked a bit off."
posted by The Bellman at 11:12 AM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Two tv antennaes met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't that great, but the reception was FANTASTIC.
posted by papercake at 12:12 PM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Visited Australia last year. Immigration guy asks me "Do you have a criminal record" I reply, "I didn't think you still needed one"
posted by Neiltupper at 12:27 PM on December 15, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.

Gnocchi, gnocchi.
Who'sa there?
Pope Paolo Seis.
Pope Paolo Seis who?
Pope Paolo Seis "gnocchi, gnocchi".

A young woman takes a seat near 4 elderly English gentlemen. She soon notices they are engaged in an argument:
"I tell you, it's W-O-O-M."
"No, there's sort of a B sound at the end."
"Not just a B, it's a trill, like W-O-O-M-B-R."
"Don't be absurd, it's much shorter."
Scandalized, she approaches the gentleman and scolds them. "I can't believe you would be discussing such a thing in public. Shame on you. And it's W-O-M-B." Whereupon she stomps out.
The gentleman look at each other perplexedly and one says, "Do you think she's right?"
"Nonsense, where would a young woman like that hear an elephant fart?"

For the math geeks:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
elephant giraffe sine theta.
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't cross an elephant with a scaler.
posted by forrest at 12:56 PM on December 15, 2005

What do you get when you cross and elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't cross an elephant with a scaler.

Should be

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
posted by gleuschk at 1:57 PM on December 15, 2005

I agree with the snails one. One of my favorite jokes! (it's the one whose punchline I mentioned here, towards the bottom.)

This is quite a good thing to come home to after a long day of exams! No more exams; keep the jokes coming! School's out for winter!

The first joke I wrote when I was 3 was: "What did one mountain say to the other mountain?" "High!" Got my name on the USA Kids Club!
posted by Eideteker at 2:36 PM on December 15, 2005

A traveling salesman is driving down the highway. On the outskirts of little town, he runs over a cat. He gets out of the car, sees a little house off the road with a few cats in the yard. He walks over to it, and knocks on the door. A little old lady answers, and he says, [wearily]
"Lady, I think I ran over your cat."
The old lady says,
"Oh, no! Well, what did it look like?"
Hold your hands up in front of you, palms down, like limp paws, close your eyes and stick out your tongue, like a squashed cat.
"Oh, no, I mean before you hit it."
Lean back and open your eyes wide as if in terror, like a cat about to be run over.
posted by atchafalaya at 2:50 PM on December 15, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

A guy was on vacation in Spain and was walking by the sea when he saw a guy sitting on a wall crying. He stopped and asked what the problem was.The man wiped away a tear and pointed to a fishing boat drawn up on the beach
'see that boat ? isn't it the finest you've ever seen ? I built that with my own hands, to my own design, but do you think people around here call me Manuel the boat-builder ? no they dont'
He then pointed to the nearby church
'see the church ? if you go in you'll see the most magnificent painted ceiling outside of the vatican, I painted it myself - three months hard work, but do you think people round here call me manuel the painter ? no they don't'
He now pointed to a beautiful stone wall
'see that wall, its 300 years old and last year it fell down and I restored it to its original form, I worked on my own for weeks, bringing the stones down from the mountain, and do you think people round here call me manuel the wall-builder ? no they don't'
he jumped up and stamped his foot in frustration
'ONE sheep I fucked !! ......'
posted by stirfry at 5:46 PM on December 15, 2005

This is terrible. I don't get the blue brick joke. I have now become one of those people who post on forums asking for explanations of jokes. Anyone explain it to me?

A good knock knock joke: try this on your friends

A: Want to hear a great knock knock joke?
B: Sure
A: Okay, you start.
B: Uh... okay.. Knock knock.
A: Who's there?
B: .....

Second joke :

A baby polar bear goes up to his father and asks `Am I really a polar bear?'.

The father bear responds `Of course, I'm a Polar bear, your mother is a Polar Bear, you're a Polar bear'.

The baby bear wanders off, and asks it's mother. `Am I really a Polar bear?'.

The mother bear says `Yes of course you are, I'm a Polar bear, your father is a polar bear, you're a Polar Bear'.

The baby bear goes off to find it's brother. It asks `Am I really a Polar bear?'

Brother bear says `Yes of course, Our mother and father are Polar bears, I'm a Polar bear, so you're a polar bear too. Why are you asking?'

`BECAUSE I'M COOOOOLD!'

Feel free to stretch that joke forever - grandparents, cousins etc.



Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting C...
MOOO!!!!!

How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A tree in a golden forest.

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says `Why the long face?'. The horse says `I've just been reading about the economy, and I think that my stock portfolio may be in trouble.
posted by tomble at 8:54 PM on December 15, 2005

"This is terrible. I don't get the blue brick joke. I have now become one of those people who post on forums asking for explanations of jokes. Anyone explain it to me?"

Isaac Asimov once said that a punchline induces an unexpected change in perspective. This is why a lot of jokes follow the pattern with "and the third guy...". In the blue brick joke, the first part is presented as a complete joke. Its not funny, but you are lead to believe that you just don't get it. In the second part, you think you know what the punchline will be. I've actually had people break in with "the dog was smoking the cigar". So the blue brick punchline is a total change in perspective: the it wasn't two jokes but one. Plus it's self referential, a device often employed by standup comics.
posted by 445supermag at 9:39 PM on December 15, 2005

445 supermag, that is one of my favorite jokes ever. I have even heard it told with three setups rather than 2, but I can't remember what the third was. It was elegant.

When I tell it, I usually pretend that I just plain can't remember the brick punchline -- the first one -- and it works well because it looks like your standard girl-who-can't-tell-a-joke. Then I launch into the second one, and redeem myself with the mindblowing punchline.

I think of it not so much as a joke, but as performance art.

Finally, here's my latest Bush joke:

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; the conditions of the light bulb are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are the work of naysayers and doubters in the liberal media. The light bulb is performing an honorable service to the American people, and those who question its efficacy are only lending aid and support to the darkness, hampering the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
posted by Miko at 10:18 PM on December 15, 2005

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?


Dam!
posted by pointilist at 1:09 AM on December 16, 2005

I love this one but no one ever laughs.
A man walks into a doctors office with a frog growing out of his forehead. The doctor is astounded and amazed and can hardly speak. Finally he blurts out, "How did this happen?" The frog says, "I had a pimple on my butt."

My friend came up to me and said he was seeing these red and white dots swirling around in front of his eyes. I said, "Yikes! have you seen a doctor?" He said, "No, just these red and white spots."
posted by pointilist at 1:16 AM on December 16, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Miko reminded me of this:

Q: What's the difference between the Iraq and Vietnam wars?

A. Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
posted by muddylemon at 7:14 AM on December 16, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

The worst possible joke to tell.
posted by fidelity at 9:50 AM on December 16, 2005

Except you ruined it, fidelity! It's supposed to be "Orange Julius" and at the end, the answer to what it means is just across the street.

I thought for sure someone would have posted this one already:
A highway patrol cop is cruising down Route 22 when he sees this slow moving car causing all sorts of problems. Some people are swerving recklessly around it, others are slowing down behind it, causing a terrible traffic jam. So the officer pulls the car over. Lo and behold, when the driver rolls the window down, it's an elderly woman who can't be less than 80, 85. So the cop says, as they always do, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The old lady says, "Heavens, no! I haven't a clue." The officer replies, "Ma'am, do you know what your rate of speed was?" And the old lady smiles and says, "Yes, 22. Same as the sign says," and she points. The officer says to her: "Ma'am, that's the route sign, not the speed limit. Please try to keep up with traffic. Good day." And as he's about to walk away, he glances at the other occupants of the car through the window. Before the old lady can close it, he says to her, "Wait, what's wrong with your passengers?" because he's just noticed the three other ladies in the car are all sitting ramrod straight in their seats, faces locked in horror, hair straight on end. The old lady says to him: "Oh, well, we just got off Route 128."
posted by Eideteker at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2005

I thought of another one, Christmas-themed, if you like:

A man is out shopping for last minute presents. The only place that's open that late on Christmas Eve (for whatever reason) is the local exotic pet store. "Exotic Pet Store?" the man thinks, and walks inside, where the owner smiles at him and bids him good evening. The heat feels good, and after taking a moment to warm himself, the man explains his gift-giving situation and asks the owner to show him some exotic pets. So the owner takes him around and shows him a few things. "Here are some glow-in-the-dark fish. Watch!" and he turns the lights off in the shop for a minute. The fish do indeed glow, if faintly. But the man shakes his head. "How do I know it's not just glow-in-the-dark paint? I don't want to get them home just to have it wash off in a few days." So next the owner shows him a dog. He says, "Believe it or not, this dog can talk." The owner asks the dog, "What's the thing over our heads?" And the dog, of course, answers: "Roof!" "And how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!" "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" The customer is not impressed. "I've heard that one before. I need a gift that I know is not just some cheap gimmick. I'll pay you good money if you can just show me something genuinely impressive." So the owner says, "Well, I've got one more thing in the back. I haven't put it up for sale because I've been working out a few kinks, but I think it's about ready."

So the owner takes the man into a large room in the back. The owner pulls a large blanket off a big cage. Inside is a monkey, dressed in a gi.* "This is my Karate Monkey." He opens the cage, and the monkey ambles out and stands very still, waiting. "He will chop anything in half with but a simple command." The owner pulls out a small platform and sets a watermelon down on it. Then he says: "Karate Monkey, watermelon!" And the monkey lets out a piercing HIIIIII-YAH!* and with a fierce karate chop splits the melon cleanly in half. The owner looks at his customer expectantly, but the man's expression is blank, and he's shaking his head no. "Very well." The owner takes out several boards stacked together and sets them on the platform. Then he speaks the command: "Karate Monkey, wooden boards!" and the monkey KI-YAHs again and with a swift motion of his hand, the boards are split evenly, down the middle. The customer shakes his head again. "Either of those could have been prepared in advance. They were probably already cracked halfway through! I suppose next you've got a cement block prepared." And sure enough, the owner has already set out a concrete block for the monkey to break. Before the customer can leave, he shouts: "Karate Monkey, concrete block!" and sure enough, the monkey yells HIIIIIII-YAH! and splits the brick in half. The customer grabs his coat and starts to put it on. "No way. I'm not buying it. I don't believe that monkey actually knows karate." The owner at this point is desperate to make a sale. He grabs the man's arm, and spins him around so that they are facing. "But please, sir. This monkey is the genuine article. I've spent the last ten years of my life training him for four hours each day. If you won't buy him, won't you at least admit the Karate Monkey is the real thing?"

And the man stares him dead in the eyes and says, "Karate Monkey, my ass!"

HIIIIIIIIII-YAAAHHHHHHH!

*You can say "karate outfit" or "karate uniform" if your audience won't get this
**Helps if you actually scream this, and, ermm... ape the motion of a karate chop
***ass/butt/tushie; again, as per your audience

Yeah, I like really long jokes. I've made the snails one last about 20 min... it's all in the telling for me.
posted by Eideteker at 11:49 AM on December 16, 2005

Q. What kind of guitar did the pool player use?

A. A-cue-stick.
posted by carabiner at 2:36 PM on December 16, 2005

Well, I read this far down, so I hope somebody else has, too.

A penguin is driving his car around town and it starts making this horrible sound. Being the responsible sort, he takes it down to the local garage before things get any worse. While the mechanic is checking under the hood, the penguin notices an ice cream stand across the street. He decides he'll get himself a cone while the mechanic is assessing the damage. Because eating ice cream is difficult when you have a beak, the penguin ends up getting ice cream all over his face.

The mechanic is waiting for him when he walks back across the street.

"You blew a seal."

The penguin hastily wipes his mouth with a flipper. "No I didn't! It's ice cream!"
posted by quite unimportant at 8:18 AM on December 17, 2005

@pithy comment: When's the party? Are you going to let us know which one(s) you used, and how they were received?

@thread: Here's a good one that my Dad told me at the weekend...

There was once a tribe of very aggressive, territorial people who lived in a small village, deep in the a jungle.

One year, a new leader was appointed - he was a bit aggressive and power-hungry, and decided that his tribe should be the only tribe in the region - they would have to wage war on all the other infidels.

His warriors set out, and - surely enough - began to conquer the other tribes. Each time they deposed the leader of a tribe, they would claim his throne as a trophy.

These thrones were stored in the chief's straw hut, as a sign of honour. After a few victories, the whole hut was full of thrones, so they built it up into a two-level hut, and started putting the thrones upstairs.

It didn't take many more victories before the weight of the trophies became too much, and the hut collapsed - killing the tribal chief.

The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
posted by Chunder at 6:19 AM on December 19, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing…. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
posted by Chunder at 6:31 AM on December 19, 2005 [2 favorites has favorites]

Here's a cool one that my brother's fiancee told me the other day:

A man walks into a zoo. All of the cages are empty except one, which has a small dog in it.
It's a shitzu.


I don't care that this thread is hibernating - I'm sure that it will be a valuable resource in the future!
posted by Chunder at 3:38 AM on December 22, 2005

A guy with a speech impediment walks into a Bible distributor and says to the manager "H-H-Hi, I w-w-want to sell B-B-Bibles." The manager says 'Listen buddy, I applaud your enthusiasm, but selling bibles door to door is tough business, and with your speech impediment, I don't think you will be successful'. The guy says 'W-W-Well, I really r-r-r-really R-R-R-Really wanna t-t-t-ry'. So the manager, out of the kindness of his heart gives the guy 100 bibles and sends the guy on his way. A day later, the guy comes back to the distributor and comes back empty handed having sold all of the bibles. The manager is amazed, "Wow, this is amazing. I have been in this business for years, and no one has ever sold that many bibles in that short of time. How did you do it?' The guy says 'W-W-Well, it w-w-was e-e-easy. I went up to the d-d-d-door and said H-H-Hi, would would would you like to b-b-buy a bible, or would would would you l-l-l-like me, like me t-t-to Read It To You"
posted by jasondigitized at 4:38 PM on January 13, 2006

Thanks afor all the great jokes. Follow up:

At the party I tried 3 jokes:

1) Bad conductor - went across great.
2) Surrealist Fish - only some people got it, but they thought it was hilarious.
3) Train tickets - went across great.
posted by pithy comment at 7:47 AM on January 14, 2006

@pithy comment - awesome... glad to hear that it all worked out. Will you be able to remember any for next time? :-)
posted by Chunder at 3:12 AM on January 16, 2006

I was informed that the other day the "surrealist fish" joke appeared on Adult Swim.
posted by pithy comment at 3:25 PM on February 1, 2006

Another pirate joke:

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
posted by frecklefaerie at 12:34 PM on September 19, 2006