Dirty Jokes for Grandma

June 26, 2007 2:52 PM

What are some good, somewhat dirty jokes suitable for telling to my Grandma?

I'm not looking for Aristocrats-type jokes, just slightly dirty things.

My grandma really likes dirty jokes, used to watch Springer regularly, but she's also the kind of grandma who uses words like Davenport and always acts proper in public. After a vodka or two she lets loose a bit and likes hearing a dirty joke to two.

Once again, nothing really CRUDE, so much as naughty.

Thanks!

posted by sciurus to human relations (53 comments total)

A grandma (not mine, but a friend's) told me this joke this past weekend:

q: how do you find an old man in the dark?
a: it's not hard.
posted by AlisonM at 2:55 PM on June 26, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

That's pretty much right on target for what I'm looking for... Thanks!
posted by sciurus at 2:57 PM on June 26, 2007

A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- "Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in this tin cup and walk through that door. The sailor does so, and enters another room, and there's another nun, with a table and a cup. $10, she says, and go through that door. The sailor goes into a third room, where a third nun with a table and cup asks for $15, and go through that door. The sailor coughs up the dough, and walks through the door. It slams and locks behind him, and he is in an alley behind the church, facing a brick wall with a large sign- "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy".
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:58 PM on June 26, 2007 [7 favorites has favorites]

q: Why do mice have little balls?
a: Because they like to dance.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:03 PM on June 26, 2007 [14 favorites has favorites]

I have this book, which is filled with stuffed similar type jokes. It's from the '50s.

My favorite was about two secretaries discussing their alcohol limit. One had a strict two drink limit, because after one drink she starts to feel it and after two anybody can feel it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:07 PM on June 26, 2007 [7 favorites has favorites]

Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A: Because he heard the snowblower coming!
posted by crewshell at 3:09 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Q: Why did the widow wear black garters?
A: In memory of those who had passed beyond.
posted by herichon at 3:25 PM on June 26, 2007

A wonderful if probably fictitious anecdote about Winston Churchill.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:28 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says...

"Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"
posted by jtfowl0 at 3:35 PM on June 26, 2007 [11 favorites has favorites]

The lady golfer came in from her round on the course. The golf pro asked her how she did.

"Terrible. I got stung by a wasp!"

"Where'd it sting you?"

"Between the first and second hole."

"Well first of all, your stance is too wide."
posted by Bud Dickman at 3:36 PM on June 26, 2007 [10 favorites has favorites]

The key to making this joke work is to remember it when somebody else brings up the subject of moth balls. If you do your own setup, it's too obvious. But around old ladies, they'll have to come up eventually, right? Seriously, it's worth waiting years for.

<conversation about moth balls>

You: Yeah, I've heard they've got a rather distinctive scent. (or whatever it takes to get someone to comment on their smell... If you're lucky, that'll be part of the conversation with no prodding on your part.)

Grandma: Oh my yes, they've got quite a noxious smell!

You: Really? You've smelled moth balls? (incredulous)

Grandma: Yes...

You: That's amazing! How do you get their little legs apart?
posted by vytae at 3:37 PM on June 26, 2007 [20 favorites has favorites]

An old lady gets on a bus. She sits in the only available seat, next to two guys with thick accents. She can't help but overhear the conversation:

"Emma comes first. Then I come, by two asses. Next, I come again, with the two asses. Then, I come and pee twice. In the end, I come all alone."

The woman turns around, having heard enough. "Young man," she screams, "this is a public bus and I am dignified lady and I have no interest in hearing this filth that you are spewing! Would you please be quiet!"

And the guy says "Lady, I'll try to keep it down, but it's exactly filthy to spell Mississippi."
posted by 23skidoo at 3:38 PM on June 26, 2007 [15 favorites has favorites]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap from head to toe.

The doctor looks up and says "I can clearly see yer nuts."

(That one is much better heard than read due to the importance of the homophone. See.)
posted by Bud Dickman at 3:38 PM on June 26, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."
posted by jtfowl0 at 3:45 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

A big-city businessman has had enough of the rat race so he moves to an isolated cabin deep in the woods.

He's been there a few days when there's a knock on his door. There stands a grizzled old mountain man.

"I live over that mountain. I come to invite ya to a party," says the old man.

"Well this is a surprise," the man says. "I didn't even know I had any neighbors. I'd love to go to the party. Thanks for inviting me!"

The old man turns to walk away, then turns back. "I guess I should warn ya. There's gonna be drinkin'."

"Well, I can certainly hold my liquor. No problem there."

"And I guess I oughta let you know, there's gonna be fightin'."

"I never go looking for trouble, but I think I can handle myself."

"And you should know there's gonna be lovin'."

"Hmmm. Well, I have been getting lonely out here, so I think I can handle that too!"

The old man once again turns to walk away. The man in the cabin calls out, "Wait! Should I bring anything?"

"Bring anything you want. Just gonna be you and me."
posted by Bud Dickman at 3:45 PM on June 26, 2007 [21 favorites has favorites]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
posted by hortense at 3:55 PM on June 26, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

A friend's grandmother told her this one, so it should be okay for your grandma to hear.

An old widow bought an antique from a shop and brought it home. As she was polishing it up a genie burst from it and said, "You have awakened me from my slumber! I shall now grant you three wishes!"

The widow asked for a cottage in the country. The genie nodded his head, and suddenly she found herself holding the deed to a little place outside of town.

The widow then asked for enough money to be wealthy for the rest of her days. The genie nodded and suddenly they were surrounded by piles of money.

"You have one more wish," the genie said.

The widow pointed to her pet cat and said, "Ever since my dear husband died this cat has been my faithful companion. Please, turn him into a handsome young man who will make love to me just as my husband did."

The genie nodded and disappeared. Suddenly there was an extremely handsome young man standing where her cat used to be. The woman gasped with joy, but the man just glared at her and said, "Well, I bet now you're finally sorry you got me neutered."
posted by christinetheslp at 4:34 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

My wife was sleeping peacefully. I got up, put on my pants, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage, hooked the boat to my pickup and backed out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 80 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and the weatherman said the weather would be bad all day. I unhooked the boat, went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. With aspirations having nothing to do with fishing I snuggled up to my wife's warm backside, kissed her on the neck and whispered "The weather out there is terrible".
She sheepishly replied, "I know... can you believe that stupid husband of mine is out there fishing in that crap".

* * *

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred Blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down And you shit on its head."

[I really hope that my grandchildren know that they can collect this sort of joke for me when I'm a doddering old lady.]
posted by ceri richard at 4:40 PM on June 26, 2007 [48 favorites has favorites]

This is a dirty joke I told my grandma when I was about eight:

Q. What do toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?
A. They both circle around Uranus looking for Klingons.

YMMV, naturally, depending on whether you have a cute speech impediment and how nerdy your grandma is.
posted by thecaddy at 4:44 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother,
'Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.

"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says, "A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."
posted by iconomy at 4:45 PM on June 26, 2007 [10 favorites has favorites]

"She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and for the rest of the night, he was on her and off her."
posted by mosk at 4:49 PM on June 26, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

This was from my barber, Paul.

A regular walks into his local bar and orders a beer. The bartender sees that he has a black eye and says, "geez! Where'd ya get that?"
"Church."
"Church?!"
"Yeah - me and my best buddy were in church and there was a gorgeous woman in a sun dress in the pew in front of us. When we stand up to say the Lord's prayer, her dress is caught between her cheeks so I pulled it out. She turned around and belted me."
"Geez."
"Yeah." He finishes his beer and goes home.

Next week, he's back in with another black eye and orders a beer. The bartender sees it and says, "geez! Where'd ya get this one?!"
"Church."
"CHURCH?!"
"Yeah - me and my best buddy were in church and the same woman was in front of us. When we stand up to say the Lord's prayer, her dress is caught between her cheeks so my buddy pulls it out. I say to him, 'she don't like it like that.' and I stuffed it back in..."
posted by plinth at 5:19 PM on June 26, 2007 [7 favorites has favorites]

A couple goes to a therapist because their love life has fallen on hard times. The therapist gives them some homework - he says to the husband, "This week, when you see your wife bend over, I want you to impulsively pull her pants down and mount her from behind. Just do it!"

A week later, the couple returns, and the therapist asks the husband if he did his homework assignment.

"Oh yes," the husband says, "and it was great. But I don't think we're welcome in Wal-Mart anymore."
posted by jbickers at 6:09 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

A guy walks into a brothel and after looking around uncertainly, approaches a girl. They get to talking and find out that they're from the same small rural town. Eventually he gets around to asking how much it is for a night and she says $100.

"Okay," he says.

So the guy pays for the night and stays with her. Then the next night he does the same. After the third night she exclaims "Wow! You must make an awful pile of money. I don't remember anyone having much money when I was growing up."

As he's leaving he reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out the final $100. Then he says "Oh, your mom wanted me to give you this letter too."
posted by ODiV at 6:27 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is almost a little too dirty.


A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, everyone's having a good time except an old man, sitting by the bar, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, “Hey old man, why the long face?”

The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No."

The old man continued, “And see this bar in here? I took this bar over 20 years ago, and built it up, from a run down hole into a valuable resource for dockworkers and seamen from around the world. But do they call me Simon the bartender? No"

The old man starts to cry again, “But you fuck one goat …"


replace fuck with do or shag, but not as funny
posted by lalochezia at 6:29 PM on June 26, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

Life's Stages

At age 4 success is... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is... having friends.

At age 16 success is... having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is... having sex.

At age 35 success is... having money.

At age 50 success is... having money.

At age 60 success is... having sex.

At age 70 success is... having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is... having friends.

At age 80 success is... not peeing in your pants

* * *

Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.

Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men have actually been known to join in.

The other day Ethel was speeding up a corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

* * *

A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts," he thought, "There's no one here."

The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."

Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who said that?" he asked rather loudly.

"I did, sir. I'm the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me."

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. "How can I help you?" he asked.

"The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you."

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. "At my age," he said, "I'd rather have a talking frog."
posted by ceri richard at 6:35 PM on June 26, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

My grandfather (he's 85) told me this joke last summer.

Two girls were walking down the street. A man walked past them, and the first girl said to him "Well, hello there, Mister Six!"

The second girl said, "Now, why'd you call him Mister Six?"

"Because he's got six inches!" said the first girl.

Later another man passed them and the first girl said "Well, hello there, Mister Eight!"

The second girl said, "Now, why'd you call him Mister Eight?"

"Because he's got eight inches!" said the first girl.

A third man passed the girls and the second girl said, "Well hello there, Four Roses!".

The first girl said "Now wait a second. Why did you call that man Four Roses?"

And the second girl said "'Cause he's a hard licker!"
posted by padraigin at 6:41 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

My grandmother loved naughty stories. She told me this when I was in junior high.

A man with a pet duck goes into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender says, "No pets allowed." So the guy goes outside, stuffs the duck in his pants and returns for a beer or two. Next he's sleepy and decides to have a nap in the theater next door....

A couple comes in and sits next to the snoozing drunk, who has unzipped his pants to give the duck some air. The woman, who is sitting next to him says, "Frank! the man next to me is exposing himself!" Frank says, "Just don't look, don't make a fuss, you'll only encourage him." "Well OK," she says, "but it's eating my popcorn."
posted by RussHy at 6:44 PM on June 26, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Embellish these three as needed.

From Minnie Pearl: "The new young doctor came to Aunt Ellie's house. He said, 'Hello, Mrs. Ellie. You sure look fit for your age.' She replied, 'Why thank you. I've never been sick a day in all my 84 years.' The doc said 'That's great. Say, have you ever been bedridden?' Aunt Ellie stared at him for a moment and said, 'Many times....and once in a buggy!' "

From rec.humor funny:

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

And from email rounds:

On their wedding night, the young bride asked her new husband for $20.00 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years - with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was downsizing and that he'd been let go. It was unlikely that he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, at the age of 55. Thus they were looking at financial hard times.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits which were worth over $2 million. She explained that during the 30 years that she'd charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of assets worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak... When he finally he found his voice he blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I'd have given you all my business!"

That was when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...
posted by dilettante at 7:01 PM on June 26, 2007 [13 favorites has favorites]

An old man sits down in the confessional at the church, and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest says, "Tell me of your sins, my son."

The old man says, "Well, Father, I'm 90 years old; I've been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I've always been faithful. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!"

The priest says, "I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?"

The old man says, "Oh, I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

The priest says, "So what are you telling me for?"

And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody!"
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:28 PM on June 26, 2007 [38 favorites has favorites]

Two older ladies were heard chatting over lunch. One says to the other, "So Harold brought a dozen long-stemmed roses home last night. You know what that means? I'm going to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."

The other lady ponders this for a moment and finally says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
posted by milquetoast at 7:39 PM on June 26, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Different version of jbickers's joke:

Three couples are joining a religious society. They've spent months studying the texts, discussing theology, and so on. Their final task is to be chaste for one month. When the month is up, they meet again with their sponsor, who asks them if they completed the task.

The first couple is quite elderly, and says that they had no problems.

The second couple is middle aged, and they say that they were tempted but managed to hold fast.

The third couple is a pair of newly weds, and when asked they look quite embarrassed. The husband mumbles, "Well, see, we were painting our house, and when my wife bent over to pick up a can of paint, I just wasn't able to restrain myself." Upon hearing this, their sponsor gives them a stern look and says, "You'll understand, you just can't be welcome here after this." The husband replies, "Oh, I know, we're not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

---

A man walks into the doctor, and says: "Doctor, when I was 15, I couldn't push down my hard on with both hands pushing as hard as I could. Then when I was 30, I could barely push it down half way, but it was still a struggle. At 45, I was able to push it all the way down with two hands, or half way with just one. At 60, I could push it all the way down with just one hand, and now that I'm 75 I can push it down with just a finger."

"OK," says the doctor, "What's your question?"

"Well Doc, I just wanted to know, how much stronger am I going to get?"

---

While we're on jokes, I highly recommend Issac Asimov's Treasury of Humour. Most of the jokes aren't dirty (although some are) but they're all pretty funny--rare in a joke book that has non-kiddy jokes. (AND they have notes on how to tell them...Asimov being, obviously, a genius.)
posted by anaelith at 7:43 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

So the boy duck and the girl duck head off for a lovers' getaway. A 5-star hotel, the finest champagne, a big weekend for the ducks. At the crucial moment, the boy duck realizes he's out of condoms, so he phones the hotel manager and explains his dilemma.

"Certainly, sir," says the manager. "I'll put that on your bill then, shall I?"

"Do I look like a fucking pervert to you?"

**

Knock knock
Who's there?
Rude Atheist Viking Interrupting Cow
Rude ath--
Fuck off.
posted by YamwotIam at 7:45 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Joe (74) and Lucy (79) met in their nursing home, fell in loved, then married. That evening, on their honeymoon, Joe slipped into the bathroom to “freshen up”. Ethel put on her sexy gown and jumped into bed. Joe came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom. Lucy giggled and said “Joe, at my age we really don’t have to worry about pregnancy.” Joe said, “I’m not, the dampness makes my arthritis act up.”

What is worse than shrimp on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.

The widow Sadie brought her husband’s ashes home after the service. She shook them out on the coffee table. She said, “John, remember that big diamond ring I always wanted? Look, here it is, I bought it with the insurance money you left me.” She then said, “John, remember that blowjob you always wanted?” leaning over she blew all his ashes off the table. (This joke is more effective if you lean over and blow real hard).
posted by JujuB at 8:42 PM on June 26, 2007

An elderly lady at the old folks' home turned to the old man sitting next to her and says "I bet I can tell you how old you are."

The old guy says "Ok, go ahead."

So the lady reaches over, unzips his fly, reaches in there, feels around for a bit and says "You're 83."

He says "How did you know?!"

She says "You told me yesterday."
posted by wsg at 8:51 PM on June 26, 2007 [11 favorites has favorites]

An old man at church told my wife this ditty:

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep!
posted by JMOZ at 9:14 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
posted by ninazer0 at 10:27 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Three ducks were arrested in a pond one night, and were eventually brought before the confused judge. "What could you have been doing in the pond that got you arrested?" asks the judge.

"I was blowing bubbles, sir," says the first duck.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that; case dismissed. Now, next defendant, what were you doing in the pond?"

"Sir, I was also blowing bubbles," says the second duck.

"This is getting ridiculous -- case dismissed! You there, third duck, I suppose you were just blowing bubbles too?"

And the third duck says, "No, Your Honor. I'm Bubbles."
posted by booksandlibretti at 10:42 PM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

So there's this eagle flying along. Feeling rather randy when suddenly he comes across a Bluetit flying along below him. Being a fast eagle he decides to fly down, have his way with the poor Bluetit and take off before the bird knows what hit her.So he dives in, does his thing and flies away. As he departs he hears the bird singing "I'm a little Tit and I got a little bit!".

So anyway, the eagle, still not satisfied, spies a dove flying below him. 1, 2, 3 he's in and out and as he flies away he hears "I'm a little Dove and I've just had a little love!".

Feeling very pleased with himself but still not ready to call it quits he spots a duck flying below him. He dives down, does the business and as he flies away he hears "I'm a little drake and you've made a big mistake!"
posted by puddpunk at 10:43 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Q Why did the does go into town?
A To blow a few bucks.
posted by yclipse at 4:56 AM on June 27, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

A classic:

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a little chit chat, the priest asked, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi cocked his head and said, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, once when I was young and rebellious."

The two sit in silence for a moment, rocking back and forth together with the motion of the train, then the rabbi asked a question of his own. "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest nodded solemnly and said, "Yes, I know what you are asking, and yes, before I took my vows I did succumb to temptation."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and with a twinkle asked, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
posted by NortonDC at 7:20 AM on June 27, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread..."
posted by contessa at 11:33 AM on June 27, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

A man goes to his doctor complaining about a spot on the center of his forehead.

His doctor says, "That's amazing. I read about this in medical school, but I've never actually seen this."

"Doctor, what is it? Is it serious?" asks the man.

"It means that in 2 weeks, a penis will grow out of your forehead," says the doc.

Dubfounded, the man pleads "Doctor! You're kidding! Can't you cut it off?"

"No, we can't. You see, it's attached to your brain, and if we cut it off you'll die" was the response.

"Doctor, you mean to tell me that every day, for the rest of my life, when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror I'll see this penis sticking out of my forehead?"

"Oh, no," says the doctor. "You won't see it. The balls cover up your eyes."
posted by AstroGuy at 12:52 PM on June 27, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

In my youth, we had a copy of the The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book, and it had a lot of the aforementioned jokes in it, so it would be a good place to look for more.
posted by smackfu at 5:14 PM on June 27, 2007

Two old women are sitting outside of a nursing home smoking. It begins to rain and it seems to be the end of their fun. To solve the problem, one woman takes out a condom and puts it over the cigarette. The other woman asks what the condom is for. She replies "It keeps the rain out of my cigarette". The other woman thinks this is a great idea.

The next day she goes to the pharmacy looking for condoms. She goes up to the pharmacist and asks for a box. He asks "What size?"

She replies...

"I don't know, as long as it fits a camel."
posted by MaHaGoN at 8:54 PM on June 27, 2007

A prostitute walks up to an old man in Times Square and says enticingly "Hey hot stuff how would you like some super sex?" He looks her up and down, shrugs and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."
posted by jessamyn at 10:23 AM on June 29, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas?

Your mother.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:55 AM on June 30, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

A woman visits her doctor. "Doctor, I've been having some strange discharges from my big toe."

The doctor examines her toe carefully, and then runs some tests. A little while later, he comes back with his diagnosis.

"OK, it's not a big problem and we can clear it up with antibiotics, but you have a venereal disease of the foot."

"Venereal disease of the foot", she replies. "I've never even heard of that before. Is it terribly rare?"

"Not especially", says the doctor. "But the patient before you had an unusual case of athelete's cunt."
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:02 AM on June 30, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

My grandma died last weekend and we buried her yesterday. I didn't get to tell her all of the jokes in this thread, but the ones I did tell her gave her a laugh while she lived. Thanks again everyone.
posted by sciurus at 10:36 AM on February 16, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

Wow, sciurus, I am sorry to hear that.

In her memory then:

A man walks into a bar, says "get me a triple". Downs it in one shot.

Bartender says, "wow, man, you look rough, wanna talk?"

Man says, "I just got home from work early, and found my wife in bed with my best friend!"

Bartender pours another drink, says, "oh, that's rough. What did you say to her?"

Man says, "I said: get your skanky butt out of the house and don't come back!"

Bartender says, "Good for you, buddy. And what did you say to your best friend?"

Man says, "I told him: YOU'RE A VERY BAD DOG"
posted by Rumple at 1:30 AM on February 17, 2008 [14 favorites has favorites]

Sorry, sciurus, I'm glad she got a laugh or two in before going to her reward.

Another classic:

Two women went on a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic with the cocktails. Drunk and walking home, they realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive underwear she didn’t want to throw away, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on the grave.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other's husband and says “these damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine had a card stuck between the cheeks of her arse: 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"
posted by maxwelton at 12:22 AM on February 18, 2008 [13 favorites has favorites]

Q: Why do blondes prefer a tilt steering wheel?
A: More head room.
posted by netbros at 8:49 AM on May 23, 2008

1st hooker: So, do you smoke when you finish?
2nd hooker: Gee, don't know. I never looked.
posted by netbros at 9:10 AM on May 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]