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Old man starter kit
November 18, 2011 7:33 AM   Subscribe

My friend is turning 30 and thinks he's old. I'm getting him an old man starter kit: hard candies (Werther's Originals of course), Metamucil...what else should I include?
posted by echo target to Shopping (78 answers total) 37 users marked this as a favorite
 
A bottle of Old Granddad whiskey.
posted by coppermoss at 7:34 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Adult diapers, of course.
posted by bfranklin at 7:35 AM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


Donut cushion.
posted by BurntHombre at 7:35 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


One of those things you can use to open jars [side benefit, they're actually helpful for people of any age and I use mine all the time]
posted by jessamyn at 7:36 AM on November 18, 2011 [6 favorites]


reading glasses

nose hair / ear hair trimmer
posted by Fairchild at 7:36 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


suspenders
posted by to recite so charmingly at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


A heating pad.
posted by Mizu at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011


A pipe and slippers.
posted by misteraitch at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Reader's Digest, Large Print Edition
posted by BurntHombre at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011 [10 favorites]


An ear horn.
A coupon for a local buffet.
Sandals and socks
A brochure for a Jazzy scooter
posted by inturnaround at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


sock gaiters or suspenders
posted by crush-onastick at 7:38 AM on November 18, 2011


walking cane.

dentures?
posted by Seboshin at 7:38 AM on November 18, 2011


denture cleaning stuff
a snuggie
coupons for the early bird special at restaurants (although maybe this is just a florida thing)
prunes
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 AM on November 18, 2011


A big daily vitamin sorter thing.
posted by Swisstine at 7:39 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Andy Rooney: 60 Years of Wit and Wisdom
posted by argonauta at 7:41 AM on November 18, 2011


Those socks that say they improve circulation.

A really long strap to hang his glasses around his neck.
posted by Think_Long at 7:42 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ben Gay.
posted by plinth at 7:43 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Nose hair trimmer
posted by Burhanistan at 7:43 AM on November 18, 2011


This is fantastic.

Moth balls? Loose elbow patches?
posted by flippant at 7:44 AM on November 18, 2011


One of those grabby claws old people use when they can't bend over anymore.
Having done this, an AARP membership is very cheap and you can just make up whatever birthday you want.
Ugly old man sweaters
Those black and orange peanut butter candies from Halloween that are universally loathed
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:44 AM on November 18, 2011


Brochures for cruise ships. Said ships may only leave from Florida.

Brochure for the "help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" pendant (or the real thing, but that seems expensive).
posted by alleycat01 at 7:46 AM on November 18, 2011


Black and white, aged, scratchy photo of him when he was a boy.
posted by mittens at 7:46 AM on November 18, 2011 [9 favorites]


Grecian Formula.
posted by The Deej at 7:46 AM on November 18, 2011


A very large television/universal remote control.
posted by emilycardigan at 7:47 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


a cane for shaking at youngins (this is different from your walking cane)
a life alert necklace
a slip-proof mat for the bathtub
giant rectangular sunblocker sunglasses
velcro shoes
posted by reverend cuttle at 7:48 AM on November 18, 2011


A Jitterbug cell phone.
posted by emelenjr at 7:48 AM on November 18, 2011


A zimmer frame can be used as a dip station for exercise, you may be interested to know.
posted by Not Supplied at 7:50 AM on November 18, 2011


reactionary email forwards in bright red comic sans
posted by reverend cuttle at 7:50 AM on November 18, 2011 [8 favorites]


A bald wig, and a toupee to go over it.

Old-man pants that come up to the armpits.

Saggy, yellowing underpants (soak them in weak tea).
posted by essexjan at 7:50 AM on November 18, 2011


A fanny pack.

DVD of The Golden Girls

A blood pressure monitor

A weather station

Brochures from a retirement community

A copy of Zoomer (I've seen it for sale in Barnes & Noble
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:53 AM on November 18, 2011


Wow, a lot of good ones covered already.

How about some old fogey vitamins?
posted by EKStickland at 8:03 AM on November 18, 2011


Frank Sinatra records.
posted by Modus Pwnens at 8:03 AM on November 18, 2011


Plastic lawn chair.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:04 AM on November 18, 2011


Ice packs and rice bag warmers.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:06 AM on November 18, 2011


stomach-soothing herbal teas and decaf mild coffee.
A giant magnifying glass and a book with big letters.
posted by Namlit at 8:08 AM on November 18, 2011


and for the Coup de grĂ¢ce - Gold Bond Powder
posted by any major dude at 8:08 AM on November 18, 2011


One of these signs. Or more than one!
posted by moonmilk at 8:08 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Jumbo number alarm clock
posted by argonauta at 8:10 AM on November 18, 2011


Maybe you could get a pair of Hook 'n ' Loop shoes off eBay.
posted by droplet at 8:13 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Casket catalog (or maybe just print offs from Walmart's website), info on burial plots, a Do Not Resuscitate form, etc...
posted by mullacc at 8:14 AM on November 18, 2011


What about one those canes with a fold out seat, like this?

Glasses with giant, almost aviator-like frames.

A remote control with huge keypads.
posted by runningwithscissors at 8:14 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some Tired Old Ass soak from the Vermont Country Store (a great source of other ideas) and a brochure about walk-in tubs.

Peach Blossom candies and a night shirt, also from the VCS.
posted by jgirl at 8:14 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


I did this for a (female) friend who turned 40 a few years ago and it was a huge hit, this big box filled with all this stuff. The Goodwill is your friend here.
posted by essexjan at 8:15 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Cardigan and white non-sneaker shoes!
posted by jgirl at 8:16 AM on November 18, 2011


A square of astroturf. Which you will then stand on so he can tell you to Get Off His Lawn.
posted by mkultra at 8:26 AM on November 18, 2011 [7 favorites]


One of those plastic coin purses.
posted by 23skidoo at 8:36 AM on November 18, 2011


hot water bottle
denture cream adhesive
digestive biscuits (arrowroot)
tapioca pudding
shoe horn
posted by mce at 8:49 AM on November 18, 2011


tennis balls for his walker :D
posted by brilliantine at 8:57 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Beano
Brochures from local Independent/Assisted Living places, and nursing homes
Application for MediCare
Social Security retirement info

On my 30th birthday, I was given a bottle of really good champagne, and a mug with a saying on it, which I can't remember, but but along the lines of No Whining.
posted by theora55 at 8:58 AM on November 18, 2011


Big white cotton hankies
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:05 AM on November 18, 2011


A small bag of grass, so he can plant a lawn and tell his kids to get off it.
posted by kindall at 9:07 AM on November 18, 2011


Plaid trousers.
Shower handles.
Geritol.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:21 AM on November 18, 2011


clip-on blublocker sunglasses for his bifocals
posted by elizardbits at 9:22 AM on November 18, 2011


"I've fallen and I can't get up!" alarm

I'd also say, sign him up for the Harriet Carter catalog. My mom gets this, and pretty much every time I go, I see she's ordered something from it - pants extenders, dickies, under bed shoe racks, a kitchen sink organizer, rain bonnets, an outfit for a goose statue... mrgood and I particularly enjoy the theraputic aids section, where young, fit people make posture aids look appealing. Thankfully, nobody has to model the vinyl pants.

I can also pop a Whisper 2000 in the mail for you if you'd like. We just happen to have a spare one.
posted by peagood at 9:27 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sandwich paste, tinned pilchards, corned beef.
posted by mippy at 9:34 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


prunes.
posted by cestmoi15 at 9:43 AM on November 18, 2011


A red union suit?
posted by droplet at 9:43 AM on November 18, 2011


A speedo.
posted by jph at 9:50 AM on November 18, 2011


Secrets of Shuffleboard Strategy
posted by argonauta at 9:59 AM on November 18, 2011


Soap on a rope.
posted by Polyhymnia at 10:08 AM on November 18, 2011


4711.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:13 AM on November 18, 2011


Viagra! Just put some candies in an old prescription bottle and make a fake label.
posted by mareli at 10:22 AM on November 18, 2011


Matlock!
posted by grapesaresour at 10:53 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


A hip flask, a kit for polishing his bold head, a remote control holder for the armrest of his sofa, viagra.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:38 AM on November 18, 2011


Subscription to Reader's Digest.
posted by Xoebe at 11:40 AM on November 18, 2011


I'm sure these are all mentioned already, but my sister did this for me this year when I turned 30. Here's what was in the box:

Depends (for men) adult diapers
Preparation H
Men's multivitamin
Denture Cleanser
Poligrip denture glue
Just For Men hair/beard color kit
Old Spice cologne
Metamucil
and a single sample of Cialis

Also an Amazon gift card, which was perfect.
posted by carsonb at 11:44 AM on November 18, 2011


Cream of wheat and "Patton" on VHS.
posted by devymetal at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


handkerchiefs
brylcream
old spice
posted by domino at 12:10 PM on November 18, 2011


Sign him up for the Solutions catalog which features "aging support" products.
posted by jgirl at 12:51 PM on November 18, 2011


Quaker Oats and a Wilfrid Brimely mustache.
posted by Leezie at 12:53 PM on November 18, 2011


seconding prunes

Naugahyde jacket
lounge suit
posted by BlueHorse at 2:09 PM on November 18, 2011


baby wipes
nthing nose hair trimmer
posted by notned at 2:20 PM on November 18, 2011


Slippers and/or shoes with velcro closures. Preferably the cheapest and most plastic-y that you can find.
posted by ninazer0 at 2:31 PM on November 18, 2011


Aldi brochure.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:08 PM on November 18, 2011


The Vermont Country Store catalog. You might find some of these things in it.
posted by bad grammar at 5:11 PM on November 18, 2011


Thanks, everyone! I'm going out now to get supplies. Jar opener and large print Reader's Digest for sure, lawn sign and Andy Rooney book if I can find 'em. And I've photoshopped his face onto this photo.
posted by echo target at 5:43 PM on November 18, 2011


Gym membership.
posted by Decani at 2:41 AM on November 19, 2011


A lawn for him to tell the kids to get off of.
posted by Scoo at 8:34 AM on November 20, 2011


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