Help me to be of good help!

September 9, 2010 11:37 AM

I'm about to begin volunteering at a shelter for battered women and their children. The shelter also operates a 24/7 crisis line for women who have suffered from abuse and violence, including sexual assault. What should I know before I start? How should I prepare? What was your experience like?

I'd like to hear from anyone who has experience working with battered and abused women and children, and victims of sexual violence. I know that it takes enormous courage for women to call a crisis line, and that it may even be dangerous for them to do it. I want to do my absolute best for these women.

I'm hoping for recommendations of good online resources, personal accounts of your experiences (as a worker, or as a someone who has used these services), and general advice on how to prepare, and what to do or what not to do.

Thanks for your help!

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total)

If you'll be on the line, no doubt they will have a training program, including call observation, before you can answer the phones. When I did hotline work it took 60 hours of classroom training and an additional 20 hours of call observation before I was allowed to go it alone.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:44 AM on September 9, 2010

Go to the training, do not skip the training. Like fiercecupcake I had to do 60 classroom hours before I ever saw a client in Trenton/Hamilton NJ area.
posted by vincele at 11:51 AM on September 9, 2010

I volunteered at a shelter for battered women and children.

The number one concern was this: Never reveal the location of the shelter to anyone. ANYONE.

Just don't. Too many of those women have escaped horrifying situations. Their partners are controlling, abusive scum who would do anything to find them and make them pay for leaving and/or taking the children away. Stalking a friend of a friend's daughter who he knows volunteers at a shelter isn't a long shot.

That said, it was a really rewarding experience for me. I had the pleasure of babysitting while the moms ran errands or worked. Those kids were wonderful and fun, but it was always a challenge. I had to do two days of training just to be able to volunteer there, so (as someone said above) they'll give you a lot of preparation for whatever you'll be doing.
posted by two lights above the sea at 11:57 AM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

Please make sure you have good social support of your own and remember to take care of yourself. Burnout is probably inevitable, but you can delay it and make it less traumatic when it happens.

Not to be discouraging. We desperately need people to do this work. But please don't underestimate how emotionally difficult it can be.
posted by QIbHom at 12:04 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm going to agree with QIbHom, make sure you have at least one person who can share the emotional burden of this with you. You will be getting to know people who have gone through something horrific, and some of those people are, sadly, going to go right back into that horror. You need someone that you can talk to about this, obviously, without giving details that would breech confidentiality.

I have a friend who is a hospice nurse and I know that one of the most difficult parts of her job is that hardly anyone wants to hear her talk about work, it's just so darn depressing. Find a friend who will listen to you.
posted by shesbookish at 12:08 PM on September 9, 2010

Before I was allowed to volunteer for a domestic/sexual violence center here in Austin, Texas, we had 40 hours of general training and additional training for the type of volunteering we would be doing. I would be surprised if there wasn't some kind of training for you.

That said, the main thing I remember them teaching is to first take care of yourself or you will burn out. Second, they reiterated over and over not to tell survivors what they should do.

In my own experience, I learned that no one in the shelter fit my pre-conceived notion of how someone in that position would be or act.
posted by murrey at 12:11 PM on September 9, 2010

I too think you'll get training, and you shouldn't miss it.

I've worked with domestic violence and sexual assault victims (and of course those categories overlap) and have the following suggestions that I hope help:

1. Aim to be a wonderful listener. Victims really need kindness and an empathetic ear. Most have had enough control and direction for a lifetime.

2. Don't take anger personally. Being abused makes people very, very angry but they usually have no safe place to take it. Sometimes it gets dumped on helpers. That isn't about you. (I used to imagine myself standing behind a cardboard cutout of myself when victims yelled at me. That helped me to wait for them to finish their say, then be able to tell them how sorry I was about what they'd experienced, or how concerned I was for them.)

3. Probably the most therapeutic things you can say are (if someone appears to be unsafe) is that you're concerned for them and their safety and (if someone is away from the situation or headed that way) to praise them, sincerely, on their survival skills.

4. It is helpful to read up on PTSD. You will hear a lot of people who blame themselves for their victimization. In a supportive way, it is great to tell them that the only person you can see who is responsible for their abuse is their abuser. . . . and point out what you see that they did that helped them get through the experience and survive it.

5. Be patient. I think the numbers are that it typically takes 5 separations before a victim is really able to leave an abusive relationship . . . and be aware that separation is also a very risky move for a victim to take, as violence tends to get worse with separation. Take a long view, make it clear you and the shelter will always be there for the person.

6. Take excellent care of yourself, by which I mean get enough sleep, eat healthily, get exercise, and have a safe person you can talk to about what you see and hear. The better you are at taking care of yourself, the more effective and strong you will be at this work.
posted by bearwife at 12:14 PM on September 9, 2010 [6 favorites]

I've been a domestic violence advocate for a long time and the most salient observation about hotline work that I can offer is that it can be profoundly difficult to hang up the phone and never know what happens to the survivor you have just spoken to. In that vein, I echo what has been suggested above - make sure you have informal and formal supports in place to process the experiences and the good work you will be doing. Make sure you know how to get your questions answered through a formal supervision of some sort.

Comprehensive training is critical before you get near a phone - we all hold preconceived notions about victims and perpetrators of intimate partner violence and it's important to challenge those notions. It's also important to have a solid grasp on local resources, including (but not limited to) the shelter/community-based agency you will be working in. Not all clients will be interested in shelter as an option.

Most importantly I think, remember that we are talking about humans and emotional relationships. It's important to condemn the abusive behavior in the strongest terms to a survivor and tell them that they do not deserve the abuse. BUT it is important not to dehumanize a perpetrator of violence, as these are partners that have been loving at one point and by categorizing the partner as a monster, you potentially blame the victim for "not seeing that this person is such a heinous, monstrous perp and nothing else." That said, focus on the abusive behavior and the pattern of abuse over the course of time. Learn about the cycle of violence, patterns of abuse, about why people stay, and what risk factors look like so you can help a survivor see ways to make change while not blaming them for finding themselves in a a horrible situation.

Good luck!
posted by boofidies at 12:23 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

In preview - murrey makes a relaly important point - never tell a survivor what to do. Being told what/when/how to do things is exactly how they are treated by their abusive partners.
posted by boofidies at 12:26 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Boofidies is so right. Abusers are often very troubled people, and one dynamic I've seen over and over again is a victim who is the strong and supportive partner in the relationship, and who feels great guilt over leaving their needy abuser in the lurch. Those are legitimate feelings, as are the understandable ambivalence victims feel about leaving abusers who are also the other parent.

Boofidies is also right to point out that victims are real people, and some have additional issues such as alcohol addiction or substance abuse issues. (In fact, substance abuse is a not uncommon way for some victims to detach themselves from or medicate the abuse.) It helps to be patient and understanding, rather than judgmental, about people's unhealthy coping mechanisms, or other issues.
posted by bearwife at 12:34 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

I volunteered on a crisis line for abuse victims, and I went into it thinking that I was responsible for formulating the perfect solution for each caller's concerns. Thankfully, I was wrong in the assumption that I was to be the bearer of the silver bullet. The callers needed the time and emotional space to think aloud about their issues. If they were listened to and taken seriously, it wasn't hard for them to decide what steps they wanted/needed to take next.

One resource that we used a lot was "Keeping The Faith: Guidance For Christian Women Facing Abuse," by the Rev. Marie Fortune, a United Church of Christ (Congregationalist) minister. I've mentioned this book in other threads about domestic abuse. A lot of women in the area where I volunteered are church-goers, who sometimes are reluctant to contact a crisis line or shelter for fear that they will be misunderstood because of their beliefs.

"Keeping the Faith" lets an abused woman know that the threat to the marriage/relationship lies not in her seeking support, but in her partner's bringing violence into the family's life. You can read some excerpts from the book here. (The man who posted them speaks out against domestic abuse as someone who grew up in a household where he, his two siblings, and their mother were all physically and emotionally abused.)

The Rev. Fortune is also founder of the Faith Trust Institute, a multifaith nonprofit that strives to end domestic and sexual abuse. On the group's website, there are books, DVDs, and brochures pertaining to abuse in Muslim, Jewish, and multifaith communities, as well as the Christian community. I haven't had the chance to look over those materials -- when I was volunteering, the faith community in our service area was predominantly Christian -- but based on Rev. Fortune's previous work, I would imagine that they're pretty solid.
posted by virago at 1:21 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Not that it changes the gist of what I said, but ...

(The man who posted them speaks out against domestic abuse as someone who grew up in a household where he, his three siblings, and their mother were all physically and emotionally abused.)
posted by virago at 1:25 PM on September 9, 2010

I know some people are recommending having a safe person to process stuff with, but this will likely be against the rules. Where I volunteer processing is only done with staff for confidentiality reasons. We can talk about stuff all we want, but it can only be done with staff. Breaking confidentiality means instant dismissal.

And probably the very best bit of wisdom I was given is to not be afraid of silence. Never underestimate the power of being present for the survivor, whether on the line or sitting next to her.
posted by hecho de la basura at 1:29 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Make an effort to befriend the people you meet at your training. (And you -will- have a training-- possibly several.) Those people will understand the unique stresses, challenges, joys, and frustrations of the work better than anyone.

Also, don't be surprised if you start to develop a bit of gallows humor. Among certain of my friends, the word "awesome," when combined with certain gestures means "Of course that's what he/she/they did, because it's the most absurdly bad thing possible! Wow!"

The other thing you should try to understand, as quickly and as completely as possible, is that, as they say, "Going back is part of leaving." People you counsel will overcome incredible odds to get out of bad situations-- and then many of them will head straight back in, surrendering hard-won apartments and hard-won restraining orders to do it. This sucks, especially when you work your ass off to help someone get out. Just remember, they're making progress all the time-- it's just that the path of the progress may not be as straight and true as you would like. The fact that someone goes back for a third or fourth time doesn't mean that it won't take when they leave for the fifth.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:53 PM on September 9, 2010

On the training thing, I agree with all the posters that say that you should get some, especially for working on the hotline. If no training is offered for the hotline work, I'd be rethinking your involvement, tough as that might sound. You should also have an opportunity at the end of your shift to debrief. ALWAYS take that opportunity - it's essential.

In terms of volunteering at the centre itself, you may find that a lot of your time is spent on logistical things like cleaning / food preparation / getting beds ready / laundry. Which can be a welcome break after a particularly traumatic conversation!

You'll also find that not everyone is going to want to talk to you about their experiences. A lot of the time, they may just welcome an opportunity to talk to someone about normal things - this applies especially to kids.

Don't be afraid to say that you don't know something - always better to go away and find out than give incorrect information based on an assumption you've made.

You'll learn to pick up cues from the people you're speaking to, if you really listen to them. When they want to talk, when they want to vent and get angry, and when they just want a hug.

You'll probably find that you deal with some situations / types of people better than others - I volunteer at a homelessness shelter (different issues, but equally vulnerable people), and I find I'm better with someone who's angry and aggressive than I am dealing with someone who's suicidal, for instance. Luckily there is always a team of us there so we play to each others' strengths and keep an eye out for each other.

And that brings me to my final point - don't be afraid to ask for help from more experienced volunteers, or ask for advice from them about how to handle a particular situation better in the future. Watch them dealing with the women and children who come to the centre and learn from the way they interact.

Good on you for wanting to get involved. I hope you find the experience rewarding.
posted by finding.perdita at 2:12 PM on September 9, 2010

Hecho de la basura's comment brought to mind something else: this kind of volunteer work is not about you. The victim's needs come first. It's great to grow and learn through the experience of volunteering, but a role like means putting the victim first and dealing with your emotions later. That's how I approached it, at least. To do otherwise I thought was selfish. We interacted with victims within very strict boundaries, and learned how to listen in particular way in training.

I agree with finding.perdita, if there's no training, rethink your involvement. What works in a crisis counseling situation is counter-intuitive, and structured training really is essential to doing it right for the victims. And like palmcorder_yajna said, your training cohort is the natural group to talk about these things with. Beyond that you're getting into a gray area with confidentiality agreements.

But the main thing I want to add is that you have to be committed to putting the victim first when you go into your volunteering session, and deal with your own stuff later.
posted by vincele at 4:17 PM on September 9, 2010

Read, 'Why Does He Do That?"
posted by WhiteWhale at 9:31 PM on September 9, 2010

I apologize ahead of time for tl;dr. Most of it is a slightly edited memail I sent to about a year ago to a mefite who was joining a DV program. At the end I'll put some links to resources that you might find useful.

I've volunteered for a good part of my adult life. When I was in Phoenix, I worked on a rape crisis hotline, I worked in a child crisis shelter, and then I settled in at a DV shelter. The shelter work was mostly just kitchen work, so I didn't really do any direct service. But going through the training for the shelter was pretty amazing, and it was only a 4-hour DV:101 class. But it made me look at relationships differently, and specifically made me re-evaluate previous relationships in my life.

Along those lines, I think the biggest thing was seeing that physical violence was not the defining feature of DV, that there were a lot of different kinds of abuse, and it isn't always black and white the way it is frequently portrayed in popular culture.

After I moved to Seattle, I wanted to continue the DV work, and stumbled across the program I'm with now (VST). I was pretty nervous about it, because it was direct service, and I'd only done crisis work with people over the phone, so the face-to-face thing was daunting, especially since this program works with victims immediately after the violence happens.

But it's been an amazing, transformative experience for me.

Our training class was 50 hours, and was focused on DV, crisis intervention, "cultural sensitivity" and working with the police (since we operate inside the department). There are also monthly meetings that usually involve training of some kind, and have included suicide prevention, GLBT issues, secondary trauma work (which I'm guessing you'll go through or need), gender issues, training about specific cultural issues, elder abuse, alcohol and drug counseling, etc.

The most significant part of that initial training class for me was work that forced me to think about, feel and see what it's like to experience marginalization. A lot of that was to get us ready to work with communities that we might not have otherwise (poverty, minorities, homeless). But it also really opened my eyes about society in a larger context, and how my life experiences were extremely limited. Typing that makes me sound naive, but you'll just have to trust that I'm not, and that my perspective changed in significant ways.

Another large part of the training had to do with active listening, something that I actually had some skills in, partly because of my previous volunteer work, and also because my career has been telephone service and support for the last 15 years. Being able to listen, reflect and sometimes sit quietly with a victim is not something that you may be able to do without coaching, and it's important to develop that skill.

My current program works based on an advocacy or empowerment model, which means that we don't tell victims what to do or what they need. DV is about power and control, and working with victims that have lived without either power or control can be tricky. They may not know what to do, or where to turn, and they are used to having decisions made for them. But if I tell the victim what to do, then I'm just replacing one form of control (their abuser) with another (me). So we really focus on listening to what the victim is saying, and providing them with information that they may not have, or recognize as a potential source of support. This is probably the single hardest thing about this work for me, and I continue to struggle with it. It requires that you put your ego on hold in an extreme way, and that in some cases you have to let the victim make decisions that may lead to further abuse (as others have said above). In those cases, we work with the victim to think about how they can best stay safe ("safety planning") if they are going back to the abusive situation when we leave them. But if my goal is to work with the victim to become indepent of the abuser, then I have to let that person be independent of me as well.

You'll be presented with some of the worst kinds of human behavior imaginable. Humiliation, degradation, terrible physical violence and sexual abuse. And many, many of the victims you deal with will minimize it, blame themselves, put themselves back into the situation that led them to you, and you won't be able to prevent it. Even if you successfully put your ego aside, it's awful to witness. There are a few things I always hold in my mind.

The first is that DV victims are resilient, and know what's safe for themselves and what isn't. The second is that no matter what, a victim comes away from an interaction with me knowing more than if I hadn't been there, even if the only message is that there was someone concerned for their safety. One of my peers in the program says that she feels as if we pierce the veil that victims are shrouded by, and that hope may carry them forward in the future. The third is that even if this particular victim doesn't remember the work I've done, everyone else in my life understands what I do, and that raises awareness of the issues that are important to me.

And sometimes none of that's enough, and that's when I go home and cry.

I don't know if you've got experience with secondary trauma or learned anything about it. It's basically the stress that people who do trauma work go through. So, I'm not physically hurt myself, but witnessing someone else being hurt is traumatic for me. First and foremost, you have to have resources that allow you to debrief about what you've experienced. I do that with the people I volunteer with, either my immediate partners while on shift, or program management after the fact. I generally don't do it with my friends or family, since the work I do is confidential. Secondly, make sure that you have some sort of coping mechanism for stress. I walk or ride a bike, and that helps. Third, know that you will eventually develop emotional calluses because of it, and pay attention to them. Knowing when you've become numb to things is important as a clue that you need to deal with feelings that you're having.

Some places to find more information:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. There are tons of resources, both for victims and advocates.

The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence

The National Center for Victims of Crime. Their DV resources and in particular the Stalking Resource Center are great.

Learn the Power and Control Wheel. Sharing it with victims can be extremely useful in helping them see the spectrum of DV, and help them see it's not just them.

Learn about the "Continuum of Abuse", the way abuse escalates. Learning this can help you assess the lethality of a victim's current situation.

Learn about Safety Planning. This link is to a web page about tort law, but the safety planning list is good. If you want others, just google "Domestic Violence Safety Plan".
posted by Gorgik at 10:51 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is a better link for the continuum of abuse
posted by Gorgik at 11:17 PM on September 9, 2010

One thing that no one has mentioned (and, this is a great thread), is that the line between victims and abusers can be pretty blurry sometimes. Victims can become abusers. I did, and I'm not the only one I've met.
posted by QIbHom at 8:33 AM on September 10, 2010

Since it's been several months, I'm wondering how things are going. How has your experience been so far? Has it met your expectations?
posted by Gorgik at 10:18 PM on December 26, 2010