Seeking fellow victims...

November 18, 2014 11:07 PM

Reading the news articles about the accusations of rape made against Bill Cosby has suddenly made me resolutely certain of the fact that my rapist has had other victims. My question is, how does one "find" those other victims... without going to court or being super public about having been raped?

Bill Cosby's words align so perfectly with those of my rapist's: "You aren't going to fight me this time, are you?" Seriously, my rapist might as well have just quoted Cosby verbatim. That made something click for me: I can clearly see now that it is a very particular pattern of thinking and twisted logic that enables a rapist to carry out an assault, replete with gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse-- and that logic was reflected in his peculiar word choice and manipulative sentences. I am sure that my rapist has had other victims. In fact, he said himself that he had "forced" other women to have sex before, "just not very frequently," ... so I'll leave it at that.

There has to be some sort of critical mass before more victims are willing to come forward... but how does that happen, given that sexual assault is such an intensely personal and stigmatized matter? How have things like the abuse at Horace Mann come to light; how do things like that unfold?

How might one go about reaching out to and/or finding fellow victims, especially when the perpetrator was adept enough to not shit where he eats and pick someone (me) who was completely isolated (I have zero mutual contacts with my rapist) from the academic community in which he spends most of his time? There isn't any sort of a physical bathroom stall graffiti list sort of thing going on, so in practical terms that wouldn't work. And the fact that he targeted me means that he probably targeted other people who were not really in his community-- correct me if I am wrong-- which makes things a lot more difficult. I have chosen to not file a criminal complaint and do not want to file a criminal complaint, even though I filed a report a while back (just not in the criminal justice system).

Would an anonymous Craigslist posting work, and if so, do you have any tips on how one might want to phrase things? How much can I reveal? Can I reach out to individuals within his community and ask if they have any information, or is that an invasion of his privacy? Could I get in trouble? Is this, all in all, a reckless and dangerous thing to do? Something that is likely fruitless? Too emotionally exhausting? Do you have any personal anecdotes on connecting with fellow victims?

I can give more details if necessary; throwaway email is: [e-mail]. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I don't think anyone really reads Craigslist, maybe try Reddit?

I know this is a weird suggestion, but maybe call a Rape Hotline in your jurisdiction?

I'm trying to imagine how you would go about this legally, without opening yourself up to civil legal action by the perpetrator. I feel like a lawyer or helpline might give you some guidelines.

Just to go even more outside the box, maybe there is a way to initiate a class action suit, if you suspect there may be that many victims.

I'm going to add here that your idea is not wrong!

Lately, I was turned on to this researcher/philosopher who seemed quite groovy. He had recently passed away. I googled him. One of the first results that popped up was a Facebook page dedicated to discussing how he has abused his authority and raped female "fans."

I stopped pursuing this guy's work once I read the accounts of his abuse. As a woman, they rang too true.

Your question is vague and difficult to provide a concrete plan. Just letting you know this sort of thing is starting to be done. And it works. On some level. FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 12:31 AM on November 19, 2014

This post on xojane was about a teacher at a nearby school. The author used her real name but didn't mention the name of the teacher or the school. However she included enough details about the guy and, most importantly, included a photograph of herself at the school (thereby maintaining confidentiality unless someone recognized the school from the photo). I believe quite a few others came forward on a hunch that they had experienced abuse from the same teacher.

Here is another example. Looks like she sent an article to Thought Catalog and a blog close to the professor's academic interests, and an editor at the latter put her in touch with some other victims.
posted by acidic at 1:05 AM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

I remember reading about one of the "abuse in an orphanage" scandals. As far as I remember, it started when one guy posted an ad in a newspaper saying, "anyone remember teacher (name) of (institution name)? Contact (phone and email)."
That was all it took. Former victims knew exactly what this was about, others were unlikely to answer the ad.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:34 AM on November 19, 2014 [18 favorites]

Maybe it would be worth consulting a private investigator?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:12 AM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Along the lines of acidic's suggestion you could try contacting Gawker; they are actively looking to expose people who like your rapist depend on the willful ignorance of their community to enable them to continue to assault others.
posted by fox problems at 6:42 AM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't think anyone really reads Craigslist, maybe try Reddit?

Good lord, no, Reddit is probably the worst place for this.
posted by empath at 8:35 AM on November 19, 2014 [5 favorites]

As of right now, there's really not a great way to do this without making yourself public. A nonprofit group is building a reporting tool that would allow you to add an incident to a database without making a formal report and be notified if someone else added a similar incident against that person, but I don't think it will include a way for victims to get in touch with each other.

Other than that, reaching out privately to people in your community about that specific person without making a specific allegation might also be useful. I doubt this would lead you to other people who have been victimized by the same predator (though it could), but it could at least alert the informal network that this guy is a creep who other women/people should be warned about.
posted by ohisee at 8:47 AM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Are you hoping that in so doing there could be enough of you to make an impact? Thus you may re-consider legal action? Or is the embryo of an idea re: how to protect others?

I really do get you wanting to reach out to other victims and yes there are so often more. One thing I'd say to be mindful of people experience/react to rape in quite different ways (as with anything, that is not said in any way to belittle anyones experience)... so some may well have tried to bury this totally etc and there is the possibility that this move could be very triggering for people you are likely ultimately trying to help. Please be careful with this very delicate situation.

The good thing about posting on some kind of board (?) is that people would have to come to you. In the UK there is womens aid which has a discussion forum.. may be something similar in US??? (If that's where you are).
posted by tanktop at 9:26 AM on November 19, 2014

Depending on where you were at the time, if you do end up putting up a very simple anonymous post you might want to use Topix for that town or city rather than Craigslist or Reddit.
posted by dilettante at 4:06 PM on November 19, 2014

Project Callisto is being created to address this very problem. It allows people to create escrowed descriptions of sexual assaults.

Users may choose to submit a report to campus authorities immediately or store the information and return to it later once they have made a choice about whether to report. Most notably, users are provided with the option to automatically submit their report if another student reports being attacked by the same person, creating shared awareness of a possible serial perpetrator who might otherwise not be identified to campus authorities.

Importantly, no one has access to the escrowed reports without the permission of the person who created it.

Project Callisto is currently in the fundraising stage. It is being designed specifically for the college environment, so it may not address your circumstance. But I thought you would want to know that the need you're feeling is a recognized one, and people are working to address it.
posted by alms at 11:07 AM on December 2, 2014