Ever since I was raped, I can only get off to violent rape fantasies
March 26, 2009 12:48 PM Subscribe
How can I come during sex with my boyfriend? I find it impossible to reach orgasm unless I'm doing it myself, with extreme, violent fantasies. I've tried fantasizing about the same stuff during sex, but it's hard to reconcile with the reality of my gentle, loving boyfriend, even if we have rough sex or (to a degree) act out the fantasy.
posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
When I was 17, I was raped by two men. One of them had a knife, with which he made shallow cuts on my breasts, arms, and neck. During the assault, I didn't know they were shallow and I was afraid he was going to kill me. FWIW, one of the men was an acquaintance and his friend was a stranger.
For about three years afterward, I did not date or have sex, and rarely masturbated. I started dating again when I was 20, and I'm 25 now. I've been with my current, amazing boyfriend for two years, and he's the first man with whom I've been able to actually enjoy sex. Since the assault, I haven't been able to come during oral sex or intercourse, and the only way I can climax is through masturbation while thinking about violent rape and/or breast mutilation. I've tried reverting to the type of fantasies I used to have (oral sex, romantic love, sensual massage), but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. Two of my high school boyfriends were able to get me off via fairly clumsy oral sex. Now, I'm so accustomed to only coming while thinking about slight variations on the violent rape theme. Though I know rape fantasies are common among rape victims and women in general, I do feel some guilt. Also, if might be relevant that I don't think about myself being raped; I think about a make-believe, doesn't-exist-IRL woman being raped. Another factor is that even though my boyfriend is wonderful and we are in love, I sometimes have this irrational feeling that no man truly cares about a woman, and that the secret truth is that women are nothing but fuckholes that are fun to hurt.
The following techniques, during oral sex or intercourse (usually while he or I touch my clit), have not worked for me:
- rape fantasies
- lots of other fantasies (which don't get me off during masturbation, either)
- not thinking about anything and just focusing on the sensations
- roleplaying rape (a friend suggested this, and we've tried it a few times, but it usually results in one or both of us getting really upset)
- using a vibrator during sex (even the Hitachi Magic Wand doesn't do it, during sex)
- soft/romantic sex
- rough sex
I am in therapy, but I'm thinking of switching therapists. Also, my brother went to a hypnotherapist who helped him quit smoking and overcome a phobia, and he raves about her. She does hypnosis and "rapid eye movement therapy" (??) that she says have had success with victims of abuse and sexual assault, but it's expensive and I'm skeptical. I am in New York City. I would consider traveling up to an hour outside the city for an amazing therapist, especially if s/he takes Oxford insurance.
If you have any suggestions, I'll greatly appreciate them! Thanks!!
Throwaway e-mail at mefi.anon.mouse@gmail