What do I ask my Grandma?
July 2, 2010 11:42 PM Subscribe
My Grandmother is turning 94 years old, what should I ask her?
My beloved Grandmother is turning 94.
She has survived WWII in Germany. She has had cancer, twice. She raised 5 boys and one daughter on a desolate Iowa farm. She got a divorce in the 70's, after 30 years or marriage, when such a thing was unheard of in our parts. And believe me, she's still kicking. She still lives on her own in a small town in Iowa. She may be the funniest and strongest personality I have ever met.
If you were in this situation, and had a tape recorder, what would you ask her?
My beloved Grandmother is turning 94.
She has survived WWII in Germany. She has had cancer, twice. She raised 5 boys and one daughter on a desolate Iowa farm. She got a divorce in the 70's, after 30 years or marriage, when such a thing was unheard of in our parts. And believe me, she's still kicking. She still lives on her own in a small town in Iowa. She may be the funniest and strongest personality I have ever met.
If you were in this situation, and had a tape recorder, what would you ask her?
Be sure to ask her if she realizes just how much you love her, and how loved she is by everyone in the family.
posted by davejay at 12:37 AM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by davejay at 12:37 AM on July 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh how wonderful. I had hoped to do this with my grandfather but by the time I started he'd already started forgetting (Alzheimer)
Ask her to tell you how it was to live back then and her thoughts with the advent of every new invention and change in the world. In front of her eyes the world we live has changed, capture that change through the eyes of one who lived through it all.
posted by infini at 12:38 AM on July 3, 2010
Ask her to tell you how it was to live back then and her thoughts with the advent of every new invention and change in the world. In front of her eyes the world we live has changed, capture that change through the eyes of one who lived through it all.
posted by infini at 12:38 AM on July 3, 2010
Without implying that she was about to shuffle off this earth, I'd ask her what she would like to tell you.
94 year olds come from a different culture, in which talking about the past openly isn't a given. My grandfather was a great storyteller and a lovely, engaging man. He fought in the Second World War, grew up in colonial India, lived in post-war Yemen and Egypt and met some interesting people.
But, through the stories he chose not to tell, one could sense there were lots of things he didn't much want to revisit. I, too, would have liked to have sat down and listened to him talk about the past for hours. I was a little too young to do it. If I had the chance now, though, my starting point would be what he was comfortable with talking about.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:57 AM on July 3, 2010
94 year olds come from a different culture, in which talking about the past openly isn't a given. My grandfather was a great storyteller and a lovely, engaging man. He fought in the Second World War, grew up in colonial India, lived in post-war Yemen and Egypt and met some interesting people.
But, through the stories he chose not to tell, one could sense there were lots of things he didn't much want to revisit. I, too, would have liked to have sat down and listened to him talk about the past for hours. I was a little too young to do it. If I had the chance now, though, my starting point would be what he was comfortable with talking about.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:57 AM on July 3, 2010
When she was 91, I asked my grandmother what it was like to look over life itself at the end/last yards of the journey. Things seem so huge when we are in the midst of them. I wanted to know what life looked like to her at the end of that continuum, kind of like from the top of the mountain view over the landscape I guess. It was humbling to hear - a woman like your gran: had five boys, a daughter, a farm, a humble start, suffered cancer, lost a child in a tragedy, was highly involved in community activities and history etc - that she thought life was just oh so beautiful. Through everything, she said that even the hard times took on a beautiful hue when she recalled them, especially the love around her during the hardest of times.
We recorded her stories with a local historian and we labeled photographs and linked up family tree threads. Like your gran, my gran's life and energy was incredible. It was a lovely time to look back over her life with her.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:02 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
We recorded her stories with a local historian and we labeled photographs and linked up family tree threads. Like your gran, my gran's life and energy was incredible. It was a lovely time to look back over her life with her.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:02 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
After she's done telling you about her life, ask her if she has any stories from her parents, grandparents, other elders from her youth.
posted by marsha56 at 2:23 AM on July 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by marsha56 at 2:23 AM on July 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
her old family photo albums + her favorite booze + tape recorder. Worked great for us. She died last year at age 104. Still miss her every day. Don't forget to hug her as much as possible. And keep filling that glass!
posted by ouke at 2:47 AM on July 3, 2010
posted by ouke at 2:47 AM on July 3, 2010
We got the stories of my grandfathers youth, riding to a market (Denmark country town early 1900s) on a small wagon behind a horse, falling asleep on the way home and finding the horse had brought him right to his yard, then waited patiently for him to awaken; he told us of traveling to the states at 18, on his own, huge ship across the Atlantic -- my sister later found the ship manifest with his name on it, also record of his entry at Ellis Island. Told us of his looking for work, and finding good work finally, a solid job with a company he stayed at until he retired, gold watch -- times were so, so different then, imagine an employer caring for his employees, and they caring for him, everyone looking out for each other. My sister found his brothers grandchildren through lots of internet searching maybe four years ago, they are visiting the states as I write this, I leave Friday on a train to Chicago for a huge family reunion where I will meet these Danish cousins for the first time, also see stateside cousins I've not seen in thirty-five years, some more than that -- we all scattered, as was/is the custom of our times.
My younger brother got some of my fathers memories recorded, spent hours with him, simple stories of who/what/when/where/why. My father spoke much of homes he built -- he spent his work life in the trades -- he spoke of homes he built for us to live in and also to sell, in Chicago and later in the western Chicago suburbs. His first home ordered from Sears (I think Sears, maybe Monkey Wards) and delivered to the job-site on a truck, all the materials and a blue-print. He would *not* talk about WW2, not about what changed him 'over there' other than the smallest things, what Paris was like, what it was like guarding German POWs, that they were good young men caught up in something same as he was. It damn sure changed him, his time in France and Germany, impetuous and maybe hot-headed before going, *really* angry when he got back; whatever he saw there really troubled him, or so it seemed, but he did not / would not speak of it. And no way was he going to speak of his marriage to our mother, not of anything of substance, he talked of his love for her but not of their angers and/or disappointments -- while often wildly social, he was private about things which are today spoken easily and openly by many.
I'm down with what others have said upthread, go at this thing open-ended, lots of tape and lots of time and just let it move as it will, where it will. I'm glad you're doing this -- I think it's important to know where our people came from, what they've lived, and how. McMurtry prefaced Lonesome Dove with the following: What they dreamed of, we live / What they lived, we dream of.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:37 AM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
My younger brother got some of my fathers memories recorded, spent hours with him, simple stories of who/what/when/where/why. My father spoke much of homes he built -- he spent his work life in the trades -- he spoke of homes he built for us to live in and also to sell, in Chicago and later in the western Chicago suburbs. His first home ordered from Sears (I think Sears, maybe Monkey Wards) and delivered to the job-site on a truck, all the materials and a blue-print. He would *not* talk about WW2, not about what changed him 'over there' other than the smallest things, what Paris was like, what it was like guarding German POWs, that they were good young men caught up in something same as he was. It damn sure changed him, his time in France and Germany, impetuous and maybe hot-headed before going, *really* angry when he got back; whatever he saw there really troubled him, or so it seemed, but he did not / would not speak of it. And no way was he going to speak of his marriage to our mother, not of anything of substance, he talked of his love for her but not of their angers and/or disappointments -- while often wildly social, he was private about things which are today spoken easily and openly by many.
I'm down with what others have said upthread, go at this thing open-ended, lots of tape and lots of time and just let it move as it will, where it will. I'm glad you're doing this -- I think it's important to know where our people came from, what they've lived, and how. McMurtry prefaced Lonesome Dove with the following: What they dreamed of, we live / What they lived, we dream of.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:37 AM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Go to your grandma with full emotions and try spending more time to get and give warmth which she would need at this time and which you might been deprived of. Warmth of love is what she would need the most.
posted by vishacon at 4:36 AM on July 3, 2010
posted by vishacon at 4:36 AM on July 3, 2010
My Grandfather always talked most when we asked him rather specific questions. We'd ask him, "What was the war like" and he'd say, "Oh, I was stationed in an Army hospital outside London, not very interesting." then one time I asked him what his bunkmates were like and he told me a number of fascinating stories, including ones about his very fashionable Mexican-American friend who would custom tailor all his buddies' uniforms so they would look their best.
My advice -- start with a few very specific (even to the point of being mundane) questions and let the stories fly from there.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:14 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
My advice -- start with a few very specific (even to the point of being mundane) questions and let the stories fly from there.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:14 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
If she is anything like my grandparents, the knowledge of being interviewed with an open mic would stifle them. I would make the recorder hidden. For video-type memories, buy a video camera and make it your hobby to record family gatherings.
posted by gjc at 6:29 AM on July 3, 2010
posted by gjc at 6:29 AM on July 3, 2010
I think open ended questions are great, but StoryCorps "Great Questions for Anyone" are amazing. There isn't a question on this list that I wouldn't want to know the answer to.
posted by TNOTGILL at 8:10 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by TNOTGILL at 8:10 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Questions related to food can sometimes open up some great memories. Food memories can be incredibly evocative ... favorite food as a kid, what did you eat at the holidays, etc., etc..
For example, we talked about my grandmother's favorite foods as a kid growing up. She started off talking about the foods she liked (pre-WWI Germany), what they ate, her favorites, how the foods were stored/preserved pre-refridgeration, and then in "ice box" days. She then moved on to other early memories (some less happy) - like how at a certain time literally all they had to eat in Germany in the later part of WWI was turnips (including making pseudo-coffee from turnips), and things went on from there.
My father has great stories about growing up during the depression and burying potatoes in the coals of an outdoor fire in a lot to bake them and how they were some of the best tasting things he has ever eaten, even to this day.
posted by gudrun at 8:52 AM on July 3, 2010
For example, we talked about my grandmother's favorite foods as a kid growing up. She started off talking about the foods she liked (pre-WWI Germany), what they ate, her favorites, how the foods were stored/preserved pre-refridgeration, and then in "ice box" days. She then moved on to other early memories (some less happy) - like how at a certain time literally all they had to eat in Germany in the later part of WWI was turnips (including making pseudo-coffee from turnips), and things went on from there.
My father has great stories about growing up during the depression and burying potatoes in the coals of an outdoor fire in a lot to bake them and how they were some of the best tasting things he has ever eaten, even to this day.
posted by gudrun at 8:52 AM on July 3, 2010
One of my professors doing research into narratives about childhood. She has this great method where you ask the person to draw a map of the "roaming space" they grew up with. Just being asked to draw these spaces tends to trigger a lot of stored memories that might not just arise naturally. One of my classmates did an interview using this method as a jumping off point with both her father and father-in-law and go really rich material about their childhood experience growing up in Ireland and Pittsburgh. I really recommend incorporating some ancillary method like this. If she can no longer use her hands well, perhaps you could look at a photo album with her as a jumping off point too. Otherwise try to use follow up questions that specifically address the senses. What did you farmhouse in Iowa look like? What color was the paint? What smells do you associate with it? What sounds could you hear from the kitchen? Questions like these arouse a vividness in memory that can otherwise be hard to achieve.
I think the goal here would be to have her talk about a portion of her life, whatever you are most interested in. If you can get her started, I don't think you'd need very many prewritten questions, just a willingness to ask for more detail and to be an interested and engaged listener. Also if you have a digital recorder, you could put it in your lap. People tend to forget its even there if its unobtrusive. I am a therapist-in-training, and I am constantly surprised by people's willingness to be videotaped, even when revealing their most intimate selves, if the camera is relatively unobtrusive. Also, my friend got about 7 hrs of tape just on those two childhoods, so if your grandma is willing I'd be prepared to spend a few sessions with her and perhaps address a different period of her life in each. Good luck, I think this kind of generational record keeping is so important, especially since the technology is so readily available. I have an elderly therapy client, and I feel that I myself have been very enriched by hearing stories from her life and getting that sense of lived history.
posted by amileighs at 9:04 AM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think the goal here would be to have her talk about a portion of her life, whatever you are most interested in. If you can get her started, I don't think you'd need very many prewritten questions, just a willingness to ask for more detail and to be an interested and engaged listener. Also if you have a digital recorder, you could put it in your lap. People tend to forget its even there if its unobtrusive. I am a therapist-in-training, and I am constantly surprised by people's willingness to be videotaped, even when revealing their most intimate selves, if the camera is relatively unobtrusive. Also, my friend got about 7 hrs of tape just on those two childhoods, so if your grandma is willing I'd be prepared to spend a few sessions with her and perhaps address a different period of her life in each. Good luck, I think this kind of generational record keeping is so important, especially since the technology is so readily available. I have an elderly therapy client, and I feel that I myself have been very enriched by hearing stories from her life and getting that sense of lived history.
posted by amileighs at 9:04 AM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ask her if she wouldn't mind helping you fill out a family tree with as many names as she remembers. If you're not interested in genealogy yourself, it will save hours of research for someone else down the road. It's amazing how the identities of people will fade away over just two generations.
posted by Countess Elena at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Countess Elena at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unless you're a professional videographer or filmmaker, I'd stick with audio. It's much easier to let your imagination fill in the blanks when you listen again years later. Stories are more evocative.
If you make an amateurish video, you'll be constantly distracted by, and berating/apologizing to yourself for, the home-movie-ness of the whole thing.
This is a great thing to do, by the way. I did not do this but I so much wish I had. You will be very happy later.
posted by rokusan at 11:42 AM on July 3, 2010
If you make an amateurish video, you'll be constantly distracted by, and berating/apologizing to yourself for, the home-movie-ness of the whole thing.
This is a great thing to do, by the way. I did not do this but I so much wish I had. You will be very happy later.
posted by rokusan at 11:42 AM on July 3, 2010
For my grandmother, at least, the knowledge that she was being recorded made her more willing to tell stories. She talked for the first time about some of the hardest parts of her life, that she had never told any of us about before. So start with photos or easy questions, but see if your grandma is willing to answer hard questions too. I also asked my grandma to retell some of our favorite stories, for posterity. (That might be an easy place to start, and an easy place to jump off with specific questions about as soon as she finishes each story.)
For my grandma, her all time story is of one summer trip when she was growing up in Colonial India. So after she told that story, I asked where she was living right then, and then, was that where she lived the whole time she was there. Which led us to a part of India I never knew she'd lived, and a boarding school I didn't know she'd gone to, and a lot of related stories there, about the people she knew then, and the food she ate, and her family.
So I don't think you need to go in with questions written down, but maybe if you can remember a favorite story, and when that's told, ask for more details or how it connects to other parts of life. (Though I think that personal map thing is a great idea, a lot of my grandma's stories were remembered best about where she was.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 1:49 PM on July 3, 2010
For my grandma, her all time story is of one summer trip when she was growing up in Colonial India. So after she told that story, I asked where she was living right then, and then, was that where she lived the whole time she was there. Which led us to a part of India I never knew she'd lived, and a boarding school I didn't know she'd gone to, and a lot of related stories there, about the people she knew then, and the food she ate, and her family.
So I don't think you need to go in with questions written down, but maybe if you can remember a favorite story, and when that's told, ask for more details or how it connects to other parts of life. (Though I think that personal map thing is a great idea, a lot of my grandma's stories were remembered best about where she was.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 1:49 PM on July 3, 2010
this actually makes me think that I should start with my own father asap. he remembers being 9 years old and being taken by his uncle to a window in a multi storey building to watch Mahatma Gandhi's funeral cortege.
posted by infini at 2:11 PM on July 3, 2010
posted by infini at 2:11 PM on July 3, 2010
Nthing the idea of having some specific questions and using those as jumping off points for rambling stories, that will illuminate the characters in your family, the values she thinks are important, etc.
How did you meet your husband?
How did your parents meet each other?
How/when did you learn to (play piano, sing, swim, other activities you know she has done)?
Also, try to get a connection of old family nicknames to people's real names, if you don't have that already. Eg, she might use names like Baba and Nana and Aunt Bebo or whatever, be sure you know who's who.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:32 PM on July 3, 2010
How did you meet your husband?
How did your parents meet each other?
How/when did you learn to (play piano, sing, swim, other activities you know she has done)?
Also, try to get a connection of old family nicknames to people's real names, if you don't have that already. Eg, she might use names like Baba and Nana and Aunt Bebo or whatever, be sure you know who's who.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:32 PM on July 3, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Hit the family photos and have her ID as many people as you and she can. Thoroughly ask her what it was like for her as a child, coming to the USA, what she's learned from life, her advice for a happy, healthy, and long life, what she thinks are traits that are admirable in people that are lacking today. Perhaps ask her to go around the house and remark about unusual possessions or how she came to have them.
I could go on all day here, so I'll just quit now before I make a fool of myself.
I wish I had done the above before my dad died.
Good luck!
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 12:20 AM on July 3, 2010 [5 favorites]