What do you mean, I still have to live with him?
June 24, 2010 4:21 PM Subscribe
A good friend intentionally hurt me. I cut off all contact in an attempt to move on, which so far seems to be working. The only problem? He's also my roommate and business partner. He'll be home from an extended absence soon and I need help drawing and maintaining boundaries for two people who should realistically have no contact with each other, but are instead stuck sharing a bathroom and a checking account.
Last year, my husband and I -- married seven years, together for ten, no kids -- separated, and I moved out of the home we own and into an unused bedroom belonging to close mutual friends of ours. Some months after I moved out, we made the difficult but ultimately correct decision to divorce, and began to separate ourselves emotionally, financially, and otherwise.
Despite us both knowing it was the right choice, the separation was difficult and left me emotionally raw and pretty overwhelmed. For the next few months, I had a hard time wanting to go out, socialize, and generally be active. Because of this, I ended up spending most of my free time at home reading, cooking dinner, watching movies and listening to music with my two good friends/new roommates -- one of them in particular.
After a few more months and much discussion, the three of us decided to move our entire household out of state so that we could start a new business together. Less than two weeks before the move, my roommate and I finally acknowledged the recent mental and physical connection that had been brewing between us, and we slept together on multiple occasions over a short period of time.
I had been clear from the beginning that I did not want nor was ready for a relationship with him -- or anyone else for that matter -- and he seemed to be in agreement. In fact, a few weeks after we moved out of state, he reconnected with someone he had casually dated in our old city, and he and I immediately stopped sleeping together.
The two of them quickly became as serious as they could manage under the circumstances and he claimed to be happy in the relationship, but the truth is that they started off on the wrong foot (cheating on her part, betrayal of a close friendship on his) and only got worse from there. Dishonesty, inappropriate behavior bordering on cheating, and an utter (and well-deserved) lack of trust on both sides led to frequent angry phone calls, much beanplating, and more than one "break up" -- meaning no contact for two or three days, and then right back to business as usual.
Nearly two months ago, after a party, he and I stayed up together for hours, talking and drinking until well past sunrise. At some point during the night, he brought up our shared sexual history and we had an honest discussion about the positive and negative effects our brief sexual relationship had had on our friendship. One thing led to another and we ended up making out on the couch, hands were places they shouldn't have been, and he was trying to coax me into his room. In the end, there was no sex of any kind and we both went to bed alone.
The next day, he and I talked about what had happened and I urged him to tell his girlfriend; regardless of what he or I thought of their relationship, she had the right to make a fully informed decision about whether or not she was okay with what had happened. He told her, and they split up again. Three days later he was back with her in our old city in an attempt to "make things right."
When he came home, he was very aloof towards me, which I had expected and so I did not push the issue. At this time, I was preparing to leave on a month-long, cross-country business trip. The night before I left, I let him know that I wasn't comfortable leaving for so long with our friendship in the state it was in and that if he wanted to talk about anything, I was available.
The next morning he approached me and said that he and his girlfriend had decided it was best if he and I were no longer friends, and that it was "business only" between us from here on out. He also let it slip that he had only tried to sleep with me that night because, a few hours prior, his girlfriend had confessed to him that she had recently crossed some lines into territory they had explicitly labeled as being not okay -- and he was trying to get back at her.
I was incredibly hurt and angry, but also very grateful for the time away. I went on my trip, cut him off completely (no phone calls, email, chat or facebook), and used the time as best I could to emotionally disentangle myself from the situation. A day or so before I came home, he left again for our old city in yet another attempt to fix his relationship after finding out she had officially cheated on him this time.
I'm back home now and the business is doing well for the first time (meaning we're about get our investments back and/or turn a profit). He's been gone for more than a month at this point but told our other roommate yesterday that he will be home in a few days. Now what?
1. How do I reconcile my no-contact-whatsoever policy -- which has been working well for me in his absence -- and the fact that, as his roommate and business partner, I will have no choice but to interact with him on a fairly regular basis when he returns home? Radio silence is no longer an option - so where and how do I redraw my boundaries?
2. At what point, if any, would it be be more beneficial for me to let him make his amends than continue to stonewall him? Our living/work situation will not be changing any time soon for a multitude of reasons, and in a perfect world, I would be happy being strictly platonic friends again under the right circumstances. We were close for many years before all this happened, and I do miss what we had before things got weird. On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is open myself back up to him and be hurt again. The walls I've thrown up may not be much to look at, but they seem to be a fairly effective method of self-preservation thus far. However, I do have the tendency to be stubborn to a fault, and would also hate to miss a chance at genuine reconciliation by closing myself off to the possibility before it even comes up. Should I give our friendship another chance for my own sake, since I'm not currently able to disengage fully -- or is that just called "making the same mistake twice"?
3. What can I take away from this so as to avoid similar situations in the future? Learning after the fact the last time he and I were intimate wasn't about me, but rather about her, has made me distrustful of future partners, and also of my own ability to accurately gauge another person's honesty and intent. I'm aware that these are not the best takeaways, exactly -- how do I steer my coming to terms with and learning from this situation in a healthier direction?
Sorry for the tl;dr but I wanted to include as much information as possible (and trust me, this is still the fairly-short version) since I'm going anon. Throwaway is helpmemefianon@gmail.com. I'm also more than comfortable emailing the mods, so ask away if you feel like there's anything that needs clarification.
Last year, my husband and I -- married seven years, together for ten, no kids -- separated, and I moved out of the home we own and into an unused bedroom belonging to close mutual friends of ours. Some months after I moved out, we made the difficult but ultimately correct decision to divorce, and began to separate ourselves emotionally, financially, and otherwise.
Despite us both knowing it was the right choice, the separation was difficult and left me emotionally raw and pretty overwhelmed. For the next few months, I had a hard time wanting to go out, socialize, and generally be active. Because of this, I ended up spending most of my free time at home reading, cooking dinner, watching movies and listening to music with my two good friends/new roommates -- one of them in particular.
After a few more months and much discussion, the three of us decided to move our entire household out of state so that we could start a new business together. Less than two weeks before the move, my roommate and I finally acknowledged the recent mental and physical connection that had been brewing between us, and we slept together on multiple occasions over a short period of time.
I had been clear from the beginning that I did not want nor was ready for a relationship with him -- or anyone else for that matter -- and he seemed to be in agreement. In fact, a few weeks after we moved out of state, he reconnected with someone he had casually dated in our old city, and he and I immediately stopped sleeping together.
The two of them quickly became as serious as they could manage under the circumstances and he claimed to be happy in the relationship, but the truth is that they started off on the wrong foot (cheating on her part, betrayal of a close friendship on his) and only got worse from there. Dishonesty, inappropriate behavior bordering on cheating, and an utter (and well-deserved) lack of trust on both sides led to frequent angry phone calls, much beanplating, and more than one "break up" -- meaning no contact for two or three days, and then right back to business as usual.
Nearly two months ago, after a party, he and I stayed up together for hours, talking and drinking until well past sunrise. At some point during the night, he brought up our shared sexual history and we had an honest discussion about the positive and negative effects our brief sexual relationship had had on our friendship. One thing led to another and we ended up making out on the couch, hands were places they shouldn't have been, and he was trying to coax me into his room. In the end, there was no sex of any kind and we both went to bed alone.
The next day, he and I talked about what had happened and I urged him to tell his girlfriend; regardless of what he or I thought of their relationship, she had the right to make a fully informed decision about whether or not she was okay with what had happened. He told her, and they split up again. Three days later he was back with her in our old city in an attempt to "make things right."
When he came home, he was very aloof towards me, which I had expected and so I did not push the issue. At this time, I was preparing to leave on a month-long, cross-country business trip. The night before I left, I let him know that I wasn't comfortable leaving for so long with our friendship in the state it was in and that if he wanted to talk about anything, I was available.
The next morning he approached me and said that he and his girlfriend had decided it was best if he and I were no longer friends, and that it was "business only" between us from here on out. He also let it slip that he had only tried to sleep with me that night because, a few hours prior, his girlfriend had confessed to him that she had recently crossed some lines into territory they had explicitly labeled as being not okay -- and he was trying to get back at her.
I was incredibly hurt and angry, but also very grateful for the time away. I went on my trip, cut him off completely (no phone calls, email, chat or facebook), and used the time as best I could to emotionally disentangle myself from the situation. A day or so before I came home, he left again for our old city in yet another attempt to fix his relationship after finding out she had officially cheated on him this time.
I'm back home now and the business is doing well for the first time (meaning we're about get our investments back and/or turn a profit). He's been gone for more than a month at this point but told our other roommate yesterday that he will be home in a few days. Now what?
1. How do I reconcile my no-contact-whatsoever policy -- which has been working well for me in his absence -- and the fact that, as his roommate and business partner, I will have no choice but to interact with him on a fairly regular basis when he returns home? Radio silence is no longer an option - so where and how do I redraw my boundaries?
2. At what point, if any, would it be be more beneficial for me to let him make his amends than continue to stonewall him? Our living/work situation will not be changing any time soon for a multitude of reasons, and in a perfect world, I would be happy being strictly platonic friends again under the right circumstances. We were close for many years before all this happened, and I do miss what we had before things got weird. On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is open myself back up to him and be hurt again. The walls I've thrown up may not be much to look at, but they seem to be a fairly effective method of self-preservation thus far. However, I do have the tendency to be stubborn to a fault, and would also hate to miss a chance at genuine reconciliation by closing myself off to the possibility before it even comes up. Should I give our friendship another chance for my own sake, since I'm not currently able to disengage fully -- or is that just called "making the same mistake twice"?
3. What can I take away from this so as to avoid similar situations in the future? Learning after the fact the last time he and I were intimate wasn't about me, but rather about her, has made me distrustful of future partners, and also of my own ability to accurately gauge another person's honesty and intent. I'm aware that these are not the best takeaways, exactly -- how do I steer my coming to terms with and learning from this situation in a healthier direction?
Sorry for the tl;dr but I wanted to include as much information as possible (and trust me, this is still the fairly-short version) since I'm going anon. Throwaway is helpmemefianon@gmail.com. I'm also more than comfortable emailing the mods, so ask away if you feel like there's anything that needs clarification.
This situation sounds pretty unhealthy. You need to find a new place to live and probably a new business partner.
As for avoiding these situations in the future; don't hook up with people who have girlfriends might be a good start. (Not polyamory-ist!) It's clearly caused a lot of drama for everyone involved.
posted by too bad you're not me at 4:35 PM on June 24, 2010
As for avoiding these situations in the future; don't hook up with people who have girlfriends might be a good start. (Not polyamory-ist!) It's clearly caused a lot of drama for everyone involved.
posted by too bad you're not me at 4:35 PM on June 24, 2010
You're way overthinking this. You had a really complicated rebound relationship with a live-in business partner--it's more like a platter of beans. He didn't intend to hurt you, and he's hoping to make a worthwhile relationship out of his current one.
There are no reasons you should be living together -- that's completely bonkers and his girlfriend will never be cool with any business relationship between the two of you until you're out of there. He took you at your word when you said you didn't want anything permanent, and he moved on. Problem is that while you may be casual about this (and you may not be, because you are spending a lot of time on it) no one else will be.
The way to draw boundaries is by drawing boundaries. Move out, and make an effort to meet someone new or at least distract yourself from this. Take a class. Start beekeeping. But I think in this situation you are the person who needs to move on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:35 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
There are no reasons you should be living together -- that's completely bonkers and his girlfriend will never be cool with any business relationship between the two of you until you're out of there. He took you at your word when you said you didn't want anything permanent, and he moved on. Problem is that while you may be casual about this (and you may not be, because you are spending a lot of time on it) no one else will be.
The way to draw boundaries is by drawing boundaries. Move out, and make an effort to meet someone new or at least distract yourself from this. Take a class. Start beekeeping. But I think in this situation you are the person who needs to move on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:35 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Quite honestly, I think the best thing you could do under the circumstances would be to casually date someone else. Sign up for online dating and give yourself something else to think about. It sounds to me like you're more emotionally invested than he is and there's a good chance he may once again try to take advantage of that.
posted by Nixy at 4:38 PM on June 24, 2010
posted by Nixy at 4:38 PM on June 24, 2010
Can you truly not move out into your own place? (Even if you can't afford a place of your own, at least find a new roommate situation via Craigslist.) This seems to me that it will automatically reduce a significant potential for drama and will, in and of itself, draw some very clear boundaries. Then you can concentrate on simply having a business relationship only during the times you have to conduct actual business.
I guess this covered under your "living arrangements can't change for a multitude of reasons" clause, but honestly, I'd move heaven and earth if I were you to overcome those reasons. I don't say this accusingly, but just to suggest some food for thought: is it possible that what you are calling "reasons" are really just excuses?
posted by scody at 4:39 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
I guess this covered under your "living arrangements can't change for a multitude of reasons" clause, but honestly, I'd move heaven and earth if I were you to overcome those reasons. I don't say this accusingly, but just to suggest some food for thought: is it possible that what you are calling "reasons" are really just excuses?
posted by scody at 4:39 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Get away from this entire situation, all of it. The earlier you do it the easier it will be financially and emotionally.
posted by fire&wings at 4:40 PM on June 24, 2010
posted by fire&wings at 4:40 PM on June 24, 2010
Oh, and I just saw the title of your post: "What do you mean, I still have to live with him?"
I know you mean it sort of jokingly, but really, it's worth stating bluntly: you DON'T "have to" live with him.
posted by scody at 4:42 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
I know you mean it sort of jokingly, but really, it's worth stating bluntly: you DON'T "have to" live with him.
posted by scody at 4:42 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
Your summary says "roommate and business partner" which is hilarious because neither of those things have anything to do with the drama that's going on. I don't see what's so hurtful about saying he needs to move out because his girlfriend doesn't want him to live with you. That seems really sensible, and I wonder why you mind so much. Would you want your boyfriend living with an ex who he cheated on you with? Also, this is crazy:
Learning after the fact the last time he and I were intimate wasn't about me, but rather about her, has made me distrustful of future partners, and also of my own ability to accurately gauge another person's honesty and intent.
You rejected him. What's he supposed to say - that he's in love with you? That you're the sexiest lady he knows? Minimizing and deflecting intention is a completely normal way to save face when you've been sexually rejected, and you should have been gracious enough to take it for what it was. You need to move out, and don't make any decisions about the business or the friendship until you've calmed way down. This isn't about your friend betraying you - this is about two on and off lovers hurting each other and the people around them because their status is so confusing and unstable.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:49 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Learning after the fact the last time he and I were intimate wasn't about me, but rather about her, has made me distrustful of future partners, and also of my own ability to accurately gauge another person's honesty and intent.
You rejected him. What's he supposed to say - that he's in love with you? That you're the sexiest lady he knows? Minimizing and deflecting intention is a completely normal way to save face when you've been sexually rejected, and you should have been gracious enough to take it for what it was. You need to move out, and don't make any decisions about the business or the friendship until you've calmed way down. This isn't about your friend betraying you - this is about two on and off lovers hurting each other and the people around them because their status is so confusing and unstable.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:49 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is going to be hard. There are no easy choices here. As I see it you are basically down to two. One, and it's very hard, and may not be practical, is to disentangle yourself completely from this situation: not only socially and emotionally, but bussiness-wise as well. I say this, because I frankly believe that you are to some degree co-responsible for the drama here - I'm not casting blame, just telling you honestly as an outsider, how it strikes me.
You ask about the future, and how to handle such situations. Well, first of all, after a break-up, especially a painful one, if you happen to move in with someone, don't start up any kind of romance too soon - I mean, this is nightmare re-bound 101 scenario. You are not at that point as yet fully recovered, your judgment is not optimal, you may seek validation in desperate ways and commit all sorts of mistakes in assessing who it is that you are starting a relationship with in such a vulnerable situation, and whether it's wise.
Further, if the other person is in an on again off again relationship, it rarely ends well if you try to become a participant in the drama - keep out until the other person is truly certain where they stand. "Staying up hours talking and drinking" is not going to clarify things - whatever you think you're clarifying by talking will muddy right up with the drinking part and then what happens later is bound to be something that you won't be happy with when sober. Stay sober, and single until you sort things out.
Further yet: do not become financially entangled with someone you just started having a relationship. If things don't work out in one sphere, you're immediately screwed in the other. Bad idea. Wait, until you relationship with the other person - either way - is crystal clear, and you know exactly what happens when the romance dies.
And not to pile up the critiques, but you are getting hurt by things which are kind of predictable. I mean, the moves this guy makes ("I only slept with you to get back at my ex" etc.), are high school level moves. When that happens, you roll your eyes, and say to yourself "here is an idiot, what a shame", and move on emotionally. To take all this and make it a big thing is giving him and his cheap tricks too much power. But that you even fell for this BS drama, makes me gravely concerned that you can actually handle this triangle at all - and why I advise cutting off all ties.
Of course, such cutting off may not be practical (business entanglements). What this means, is you must now do something very difficult: turn Hollywood and become a shapeshifter. People in this town regularly work with their bitter enemies, because their paycheck depends on a sick and twisted tangle of dependencies. The only way to get the project off the ground is to butter up that producer/actor/exec whom you hate and who hates your guts. So you put on your shark smile and get to work. Everybody understands that. But not everybody can hack it, and not for long. Do you have that level of intestinal fortitude and "fuck it, it's business"? Or are you too wedded to your "feelings"? Widdy liddle feewings, have to go out the window, I'm afraid. Can you do it? And is it worth it to you? If yes to both, then look at the situation like a chessboard, and make your moves accordingly - it's just business. Give him no more thought than to a bishop, a piece of wood on a chessboard. If you can't, well, it's back to option one - cutting off all ties.
There is really no third option - trying to muddle through, will only result in a bigger disaster down the road. That's the way it's looking to this outsider.
posted by VikingSword at 4:55 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
You ask about the future, and how to handle such situations. Well, first of all, after a break-up, especially a painful one, if you happen to move in with someone, don't start up any kind of romance too soon - I mean, this is nightmare re-bound 101 scenario. You are not at that point as yet fully recovered, your judgment is not optimal, you may seek validation in desperate ways and commit all sorts of mistakes in assessing who it is that you are starting a relationship with in such a vulnerable situation, and whether it's wise.
Further, if the other person is in an on again off again relationship, it rarely ends well if you try to become a participant in the drama - keep out until the other person is truly certain where they stand. "Staying up hours talking and drinking" is not going to clarify things - whatever you think you're clarifying by talking will muddy right up with the drinking part and then what happens later is bound to be something that you won't be happy with when sober. Stay sober, and single until you sort things out.
Further yet: do not become financially entangled with someone you just started having a relationship. If things don't work out in one sphere, you're immediately screwed in the other. Bad idea. Wait, until you relationship with the other person - either way - is crystal clear, and you know exactly what happens when the romance dies.
And not to pile up the critiques, but you are getting hurt by things which are kind of predictable. I mean, the moves this guy makes ("I only slept with you to get back at my ex" etc.), are high school level moves. When that happens, you roll your eyes, and say to yourself "here is an idiot, what a shame", and move on emotionally. To take all this and make it a big thing is giving him and his cheap tricks too much power. But that you even fell for this BS drama, makes me gravely concerned that you can actually handle this triangle at all - and why I advise cutting off all ties.
Of course, such cutting off may not be practical (business entanglements). What this means, is you must now do something very difficult: turn Hollywood and become a shapeshifter. People in this town regularly work with their bitter enemies, because their paycheck depends on a sick and twisted tangle of dependencies. The only way to get the project off the ground is to butter up that producer/actor/exec whom you hate and who hates your guts. So you put on your shark smile and get to work. Everybody understands that. But not everybody can hack it, and not for long. Do you have that level of intestinal fortitude and "fuck it, it's business"? Or are you too wedded to your "feelings"? Widdy liddle feewings, have to go out the window, I'm afraid. Can you do it? And is it worth it to you? If yes to both, then look at the situation like a chessboard, and make your moves accordingly - it's just business. Give him no more thought than to a bishop, a piece of wood on a chessboard. If you can't, well, it's back to option one - cutting off all ties.
There is really no third option - trying to muddle through, will only result in a bigger disaster down the road. That's the way it's looking to this outsider.
posted by VikingSword at 4:55 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sorry, chiming in one more time. I think it's also worth reexamining how you boil it down from the start: "A good friend intentionally hurt me."
See, the problem with framing it that way is that it renders you as the victim and him as the villain. When taken on the mantle of victimhood (especially at the hands of someone who you see as hurting you on purpose), you start from a position of almost complete powerlessness. It automatically limits the number of choices available to you, and it ascribes most of the problem to someone else.
I would suggest changing the entire framework of the problem to something like this: "I am feeling hurt that my friendship with this person is over." Not only is it still factually true, it completely removes the "victim/villain" mentality from the situation. It means you take ownership of your feelings, which also means you take full responsibility for simply doing what you need to do in order to move on and feel better (while still maintaining a business relationship).
Now, this doesn't mean that all those things you need to do will be easy, or that you're not going to continue to feel hurt/angry/sad/etc.; it will certainly be hard, and you will certainly hurt for awhile. But at least you will be in control of what you can realistically control. This is the practical and psychological key that I think is presently missing for you. Good luck.
posted by scody at 5:05 PM on June 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
See, the problem with framing it that way is that it renders you as the victim and him as the villain. When taken on the mantle of victimhood (especially at the hands of someone who you see as hurting you on purpose), you start from a position of almost complete powerlessness. It automatically limits the number of choices available to you, and it ascribes most of the problem to someone else.
I would suggest changing the entire framework of the problem to something like this: "I am feeling hurt that my friendship with this person is over." Not only is it still factually true, it completely removes the "victim/villain" mentality from the situation. It means you take ownership of your feelings, which also means you take full responsibility for simply doing what you need to do in order to move on and feel better (while still maintaining a business relationship).
Now, this doesn't mean that all those things you need to do will be easy, or that you're not going to continue to feel hurt/angry/sad/etc.; it will certainly be hard, and you will certainly hurt for awhile. But at least you will be in control of what you can realistically control. This is the practical and psychological key that I think is presently missing for you. Good luck.
posted by scody at 5:05 PM on June 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
If your relationship can not be prepared, your business willnot succeed.
Total distrust is a recipe for dissaster.
posted by Flood at 5:12 PM on June 24, 2010
Total distrust is a recipe for dissaster.
posted by Flood at 5:12 PM on June 24, 2010
Get whatever money in the joint checking account is yours out of there ASAP.
posted by cali59 at 5:37 PM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by cali59 at 5:37 PM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
You need a new roommate situation and your business needs an office space that isn't his house. You might look into coworking places where you guys can just buy a membership and hold your meetings in the coworking space.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:51 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:51 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
This may be oversimplifying, but I think this comes down to one question: do you trust your business partner or not?
If you don't, then it would be a safe bet to say that you should get out of the business and the shared housing with them.
If you do, then perhaps the two of you can work it out. But I think that if you want more space from them, you would be much happier in a place of your own.
posted by zippy at 6:48 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you don't, then it would be a safe bet to say that you should get out of the business and the shared housing with them.
If you do, then perhaps the two of you can work it out. But I think that if you want more space from them, you would be much happier in a place of your own.
posted by zippy at 6:48 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think scody's right on the money with all her advice.
And, yes, you really do need a different living situation. Even if you truly were platonic friends with no sexual history it would still be a bad idea to live with someone who is also your business partner. People need some space, and that doesn't mean go home to the same person you've been working with all day.
Throw sex into the mix (and I don't see him as having done anything egregiously wrong to deliberately hurt you) and you've made an already fraught situation even more difficult. If you want to maintain your business move out and start dating other people. If it's a matter of money you can find an apartment with roommates, or share a house with a bunch of people, or let a room from a widow or you get the idea.
And I hope the shared checking account refers to a business account because why on earth would you share a checking account with him otherwise?
posted by 6550 at 6:53 PM on June 24, 2010
And, yes, you really do need a different living situation. Even if you truly were platonic friends with no sexual history it would still be a bad idea to live with someone who is also your business partner. People need some space, and that doesn't mean go home to the same person you've been working with all day.
Throw sex into the mix (and I don't see him as having done anything egregiously wrong to deliberately hurt you) and you've made an already fraught situation even more difficult. If you want to maintain your business move out and start dating other people. If it's a matter of money you can find an apartment with roommates, or share a house with a bunch of people, or let a room from a widow or you get the idea.
And I hope the shared checking account refers to a business account because why on earth would you share a checking account with him otherwise?
posted by 6550 at 6:53 PM on June 24, 2010
He also let it slip that he had only tried to sleep with me that night because, a few hours prior, his girlfriend had confessed to him that she had recently crossed some lines into territory they had explicitly labeled as being not okay -- and he was trying to get back at her.
Eh, I wouldn't really put too much stock in this being absolutely, positively true. It's sort of a juicy dramatic detail, but the unnecessarily hurtful aspect is a distraction from the larger issue.
I don't disagree with the advice to extricate yourself, but I will offer a perspective to use until you can achieve that goal.
* A lot of people aren't close friends with their roommates, they just have a business relationship. It can be simply a financially beneficial relationship to share space.
* Most professional relationships are friendly but somewhat perfunctory. Sure, I know that my co-worker had two small kids and what his wife does for a living, and I like the guy personally, but we don't have emotional discussions about his feelings about any subject.
When your business partner/roommate gets back, just repeat to yourself that your relationship is just business. Put all the personal stuff in a box in your head, deal with it elsewhere. Be civil, fair, pleasant, neutral, just like you would to co-workers at an office.
posted by desuetude at 7:13 PM on June 24, 2010
Eh, I wouldn't really put too much stock in this being absolutely, positively true. It's sort of a juicy dramatic detail, but the unnecessarily hurtful aspect is a distraction from the larger issue.
I don't disagree with the advice to extricate yourself, but I will offer a perspective to use until you can achieve that goal.
* A lot of people aren't close friends with their roommates, they just have a business relationship. It can be simply a financially beneficial relationship to share space.
* Most professional relationships are friendly but somewhat perfunctory. Sure, I know that my co-worker had two small kids and what his wife does for a living, and I like the guy personally, but we don't have emotional discussions about his feelings about any subject.
When your business partner/roommate gets back, just repeat to yourself that your relationship is just business. Put all the personal stuff in a box in your head, deal with it elsewhere. Be civil, fair, pleasant, neutral, just like you would to co-workers at an office.
posted by desuetude at 7:13 PM on June 24, 2010
Can you sell him your share in the business and just get out?
posted by galadriel at 7:17 PM on June 24, 2010
posted by galadriel at 7:17 PM on June 24, 2010
Start by separating your funds. It's just good financial advice, that. Then look into moving out. Make it clear to your partner that you think your business together is more important than sharing finances or living together, so you're moving out and separating money so that you can focus on making a workable business partnership between you.
Then, try to work with him on a purely business level, and if it fails, one of you buys the other out, or you split the assets and dissolve the partnership.
posted by davejay at 7:26 PM on June 24, 2010
Then, try to work with him on a purely business level, and if it fails, one of you buys the other out, or you split the assets and dissolve the partnership.
posted by davejay at 7:26 PM on June 24, 2010
Yeah, I know you're upset and you think this question needs 9 chapters of background, but Scody x 1000 PLUS CLOSE THE ACCOUNT TOMORROW. AS SOON AS YOU WAKE UP. I'm saying "close" because it may be impossible to simply remove yourself - we don't have enough information.
Fuck this business together, seriously. Tell him you're ready to sell him your stake in the business or even buy your way out.
Get Out Of Business With People You're Fucking Post-Divorce. Even if it incurs debt now, your sanity is priceless. You want radio silence? WALK AWAY. Even if you're bitter about losing money/sex/companionship two years in a row, another person will love you and you'll recover financially. You're too codependent to accept that right now but it's the truth.
(People won't pay you back even if it's not fair, no, not even if the slept with you, he is acting like a pig, why do you put your trust in this dangerous display of immaturity and disrespect for all parties involved?)
You are grieving and confused because your 10-year relationship ended LAST. YEAR. (seriously, this will make you crazy...) and you are being WAY too vulnerable and trusting WAY too quick with casually investing your money and your body in places they won't thrive.
If you don't do this you're going to just hurt yourself because you're LETTING it happen to you. I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but you need a reality check.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:29 PM on June 24, 2010
Fuck this business together, seriously. Tell him you're ready to sell him your stake in the business or even buy your way out.
Get Out Of Business With People You're Fucking Post-Divorce. Even if it incurs debt now, your sanity is priceless. You want radio silence? WALK AWAY. Even if you're bitter about losing money/sex/companionship two years in a row, another person will love you and you'll recover financially. You're too codependent to accept that right now but it's the truth.
(People won't pay you back even if it's not fair, no, not even if the slept with you, he is acting like a pig, why do you put your trust in this dangerous display of immaturity and disrespect for all parties involved?)
You are grieving and confused because your 10-year relationship ended LAST. YEAR. (seriously, this will make you crazy...) and you are being WAY too vulnerable and trusting WAY too quick with casually investing your money and your body in places they won't thrive.
If you don't do this you're going to just hurt yourself because you're LETTING it happen to you. I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but you need a reality check.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:29 PM on June 24, 2010
For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like he intentionally hurt you.
posted by amtho at 7:30 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 7:30 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
The business, "friendship" and living arrangements are all utterly screwed beyond repair at this point. There really isn't any way to continue with things as they were beforehand. Move out as soon as you can, end the business as soon as you can because it's now doomed anyway.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:17 PM on June 24, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:17 PM on June 24, 2010
You are grieving and confused because your 10-year relationship ended LAST. YEAR.
This is an excellent point. When my ex-husband and I split up (relatively amicably and totally mutually after about 3 years of marriage and 4 years together), I became almost immediately involved with a friend/coworker. That relationship lasted nearly as long as my marriage, but when it was over, I was doubly devastated because I realized I had never properly faced the pain of my divorce. After a 10-year relationship, you really, really need the time (more time than you probably want to acknowledge, because it may seem really scary) and the space to grieve, to be single, and to become wholly yourself again.
The aftermath of a divorce is like a bomb going off. Making any major decision (much less several) when you're so shell-shocked is almost bound to come back to bite you. I don't say that to berate you, but just to make the observation. You don't have to keep yourself tied to a situation -- and I mean any part of the situation -- that perhaps is not healthy for you to be embroiled in at all.
posted by scody at 8:40 PM on June 24, 2010
This is an excellent point. When my ex-husband and I split up (relatively amicably and totally mutually after about 3 years of marriage and 4 years together), I became almost immediately involved with a friend/coworker. That relationship lasted nearly as long as my marriage, but when it was over, I was doubly devastated because I realized I had never properly faced the pain of my divorce. After a 10-year relationship, you really, really need the time (more time than you probably want to acknowledge, because it may seem really scary) and the space to grieve, to be single, and to become wholly yourself again.
The aftermath of a divorce is like a bomb going off. Making any major decision (much less several) when you're so shell-shocked is almost bound to come back to bite you. I don't say that to berate you, but just to make the observation. You don't have to keep yourself tied to a situation -- and I mean any part of the situation -- that perhaps is not healthy for you to be embroiled in at all.
posted by scody at 8:40 PM on June 24, 2010
Wow. Just wow, wow, wow. Ok. You said pretty much nothing about the business that you and this guy share, so there really is no way for anyone to give you any type of advice about that. What I did read is an exhaustive "he said she said" about a lot of drama that should never have happened, and which you are putting the blame squarely on him. How did he hurt you again? Did you not move in with your friends and proceed to boff the boyfriend and divide the couple? You know you had a choice as to whether you screwed him or not, right?
So... onto the advice. Get out of the business, get out of the house, get out of the "relationship." You are not doing him or yourself (or his "girlfriend") any good by continuing this. Find someone who has an interest in the business, get a good buy out and move the heck on.
You need to take some time to come to terms with the end of your marriage without the added complications of the relationships you have with this couple. For good or for bad, it's gone waaaay far south and it's time to cut your losses and move on.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:43 AM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
So... onto the advice. Get out of the business, get out of the house, get out of the "relationship." You are not doing him or yourself (or his "girlfriend") any good by continuing this. Find someone who has an interest in the business, get a good buy out and move the heck on.
You need to take some time to come to terms with the end of your marriage without the added complications of the relationships you have with this couple. For good or for bad, it's gone waaaay far south and it's time to cut your losses and move on.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:43 AM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by darkstar at 4:34 PM on June 24, 2010