Transatlanticism
May 4, 2010 11:55 AM Subscribe
If you wanted kids and decided to have a serious relationship with someone who didn't want them (or vice versa), how did things work out? Did you regret it?
I ask because I'm involved with someone who has a child but will probably never want another one. Some facts about me:
- I want kids in the next few years, though I'm not ready for them yet.
- I'm turning 29 this year.
- I have some gynecological issues that might make it difficult for me to conceive.
I love this man, our relationship is strong, and we are compatible on many levels. And I want to talk to him about this -- I just don't want to go into the conversation with the mentality that we're doomed. On one hand I have the heartbreaking thought that this sort of difference can't be reconciled; on the other I think about the distant possibility that one of us might change our minds, and the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant.
So I want to know, if you've dealt with this situation in a relationship, what decisions did you make and why? How did you feel about those decisions later on? In hindsight, do you wish you could change anything (not necessarily the final outcome, but perhaps the way you approached or discussed the issue)? Thanks in advance.
I ask because I'm involved with someone who has a child but will probably never want another one. Some facts about me:
- I want kids in the next few years, though I'm not ready for them yet.
- I'm turning 29 this year.
- I have some gynecological issues that might make it difficult for me to conceive.
I love this man, our relationship is strong, and we are compatible on many levels. And I want to talk to him about this -- I just don't want to go into the conversation with the mentality that we're doomed. On one hand I have the heartbreaking thought that this sort of difference can't be reconciled; on the other I think about the distant possibility that one of us might change our minds, and the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant.
So I want to know, if you've dealt with this situation in a relationship, what decisions did you make and why? How did you feel about those decisions later on? In hindsight, do you wish you could change anything (not necessarily the final outcome, but perhaps the way you approached or discussed the issue)? Thanks in advance.
One caution: DO NOT, under any circumstances, get with this person with the expectation that they will change their minds. There is a chance, of course, and as cerebus said it's not necessarily minuscule, but if you pin your hopes on him changing and he does not then you will find yourself upset and resenting him.
posted by Night_owl at 12:11 PM on May 4, 2010 [21 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 12:11 PM on May 4, 2010 [21 favorites]
Hey, I could have written the exact same post last year (and pretty much did, under an anonymous name, down to how old I was (I'm 30 now).
The AskMe consensus was that I should break up with the guy. But I didn't. I'm in love with him, and chose him, and the relationship, and took permanent steps to make sure we didn't accidentally get pregnant.
No regrets at all, so far. We're planning two outrageous vacations now that we couldn't be taking with the little darlings all my friends are popping out.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2010
The AskMe consensus was that I should break up with the guy. But I didn't. I'm in love with him, and chose him, and the relationship, and took permanent steps to make sure we didn't accidentally get pregnant.
No regrets at all, so far. We're planning two outrageous vacations now that we couldn't be taking with the little darlings all my friends are popping out.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2010
Right now I am watching my best friend in the world go through a devastating breakup because she wants kids and he doesn't. Yes, there is always the possibility that one of you would change your mind, but there's also the possibility that neither of you will, and that you will have to compromise something you want very strongly in order to be with this person. Are you willing to do that? Because you cannot count on him being the one to compromise.
Speaking as someone who does not want children, the last thing I would recommend is going into the relationship hoping to change his mind. There is a very good chance you'll end up being disappointed. And even if you do change his mind, do you want to have a child with someone whose heart might not be 100% in it?
posted by something something at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2010
Speaking as someone who does not want children, the last thing I would recommend is going into the relationship hoping to change his mind. There is a very good chance you'll end up being disappointed. And even if you do change his mind, do you want to have a child with someone whose heart might not be 100% in it?
posted by something something at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2010
My husband and I are childless. In my ideal world, we'd have at least one child, and I still check the "Saturday's Child" (local column showing a child available for adoption) each week. Every now and then I point out one of the children to him. My husband, however, feels so strongly about the subject that as soon as he realized his feelings for me, he got a vasectomy.
It has worked out all right for me, though. As roomthreeseventeen points out, we have a huge amount of autonomy. We also have pet "kids." But most of all, I simply would never choose to live a life apart from my husband.
This is a very, very individual choice. Your heart is going to be your best guide.
posted by bearwife at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2010
It has worked out all right for me, though. As roomthreeseventeen points out, we have a huge amount of autonomy. We also have pet "kids." But most of all, I simply would never choose to live a life apart from my husband.
This is a very, very individual choice. Your heart is going to be your best guide.
posted by bearwife at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2010
I am not cerebus19's wife, but am in an extremely similiar situation, so what he said.
posted by cestmoi15 at 12:32 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by cestmoi15 at 12:32 PM on May 4, 2010
Well, as you others have said, it can work out. But then sometimes it can't. It may not be so much the issue in question but the emotional abilities of the participants in the relationship. Some people can live with giving up a dream to have kids (and vice versa), for others; no matter how much they love their partner, not getting something this self-important is not something they can live with. And both are okay but you need to figure out which person you are.
I think what you need to ask yourself is: Can you be okay with your partner never changing their mind? Is this a rest of your life decision that you are just fine about?
posted by dzaz at 12:35 PM on May 4, 2010
I think what you need to ask yourself is: Can you be okay with your partner never changing their mind? Is this a rest of your life decision that you are just fine about?
posted by dzaz at 12:35 PM on May 4, 2010
I have had at least 3 couples I know go through the heartbreak of this very un-ideal situation. First couple was married and he had a child from a previous marriage. He made clear before the marriage that he did not want more kids. She thought he would change his mind and they got married. He didn't. Nor did she and although their love was strong, they got divorced. She has a child now.
The other two couples I know in this situation were just dating and they knew that they were incompatible that way from the get go. Otherwise, both couples had enviable relationships. Unfortunately, the ones who wanted kids eventually broke up with their respective girlfriends who did not want kids. It simply was a deal breaker in the end.
I just don't think this is something that you can compromise on if you really do want kids. You can't "split the baby" (so to speak in puns) on this incompatibility. Yes, maybe you will change your mind and not want kids one day, maybe he will be up for another kid after all, maybe, maybe, maybe. But those are HUGE maybes.
(On a personal note...I was pretty against having kids, then aloof to the idea and then open to the idea if it happened. Never was I "OMG I have to have kids"! I have a lovely 8 month old son now. He is exquisite. You seem way more sure than I ever was that you want them. Take it from me as one who could have lived without a child of my own before I had one, please don't give this up -- it is an amazing, challenging, rewarding, enriching and wouldn't trade it for the world experience.)
posted by murrey at 12:48 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
The other two couples I know in this situation were just dating and they knew that they were incompatible that way from the get go. Otherwise, both couples had enviable relationships. Unfortunately, the ones who wanted kids eventually broke up with their respective girlfriends who did not want kids. It simply was a deal breaker in the end.
I just don't think this is something that you can compromise on if you really do want kids. You can't "split the baby" (so to speak in puns) on this incompatibility. Yes, maybe you will change your mind and not want kids one day, maybe he will be up for another kid after all, maybe, maybe, maybe. But those are HUGE maybes.
(On a personal note...I was pretty against having kids, then aloof to the idea and then open to the idea if it happened. Never was I "OMG I have to have kids"! I have a lovely 8 month old son now. He is exquisite. You seem way more sure than I ever was that you want them. Take it from me as one who could have lived without a child of my own before I had one, please don't give this up -- it is an amazing, challenging, rewarding, enriching and wouldn't trade it for the world experience.)
posted by murrey at 12:48 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Absolutely take Night_owl's and something something's advice to heart. If you are going to commit to him, you do so only if you fully respect and accept him as he is. That includes how he's decided he wants to live his life. "The distant possibility" that he'll change his mind is a dangerous hope to cling onto, and is something that could slowly poison your relationship as the years go by and you find yourself yet childless.
The fact that he already has a child makes the chances of him changing his mind even slimmer. He's been there, done that. He's not going to wake up one day and have the kind of revelation that cerebus19 talks about.
Be careful that you aren't allowing your gynecological problems to cloud the issue. Ask yourself, with or without your current SO, if it turns out that you are unable to have children that are biologically yours, would adoption be something you'd consider? Because it sounds as though you're saying, "If I can't conceive anyway, I guess I'd give up and settle for a life without children." Think carefully, is it children you want, or only children who share your DNA?
If you want children, period, then this may be a dealbreaker for your relationship. If you only want biological children then perhaps this would be the time to see your gynecologist and get a realistic evaluation of your odds. And if your gyno tells you "Your chances of ever conceiving are about 10%," how do you react? Do you think, "I've got to try..." or, "Oh well, that's too bad..."?
You've asked for others' experiences, and I don't speak from experience, but others' lives are not yours. Only you can decide what sacrifices your relationship is worth. My heart goes out to you for having to make this choice.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:54 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
The fact that he already has a child makes the chances of him changing his mind even slimmer. He's been there, done that. He's not going to wake up one day and have the kind of revelation that cerebus19 talks about.
Be careful that you aren't allowing your gynecological problems to cloud the issue. Ask yourself, with or without your current SO, if it turns out that you are unable to have children that are biologically yours, would adoption be something you'd consider? Because it sounds as though you're saying, "If I can't conceive anyway, I guess I'd give up and settle for a life without children." Think carefully, is it children you want, or only children who share your DNA?
If you want children, period, then this may be a dealbreaker for your relationship. If you only want biological children then perhaps this would be the time to see your gynecologist and get a realistic evaluation of your odds. And if your gyno tells you "Your chances of ever conceiving are about 10%," how do you react? Do you think, "I've got to try..." or, "Oh well, that's too bad..."?
You've asked for others' experiences, and I don't speak from experience, but others' lives are not yours. Only you can decide what sacrifices your relationship is worth. My heart goes out to you for having to make this choice.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:54 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am watching two close friends get divorced after about 8 years together. Precisely because of this. I think both hoped, thought, wished the other one would change their mind.
It never happened.
It is an ugly, ugly, don't-stare-at-the-sun-cause-it-will-blind-you divorce.
But as others have said this is very personal. You are the only person here who knows what is important to you in life.
posted by French Fry at 1:08 PM on May 4, 2010
It never happened.
It is an ugly, ugly, don't-stare-at-the-sun-cause-it-will-blind-you divorce.
But as others have said this is very personal. You are the only person here who knows what is important to you in life.
posted by French Fry at 1:08 PM on May 4, 2010
Would you have a baby on your own if the right guy didn't come along? Or are you looking, really, for the husband+baby package and you'd go without having one if you never met the right guy (right guy meaning the guy who is just like your current guy but wants a baby)?
posted by anniecat at 1:12 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 1:12 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you marry him, you will have a child.
Please don't have children with him if you know you cannot treat his child as your own, and would instead think of that child as "his," and any children you have with him as "ours."
posted by palliser at 1:12 PM on May 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
Please don't have children with him if you know you cannot treat his child as your own, and would instead think of that child as "his," and any children you have with him as "ours."
posted by palliser at 1:12 PM on May 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
If you marry him, you will have a child.
Please don't have children with him if you know you cannot treat his child as your own, and would instead think of that child as "his," and any children you have with him as "ours."
Well, you can't really say this without knowing the details of the situation. The child could be 30, or in fulltime custody of the mom, or whatever. And as fun as it is to have stepchildren, it's nto at all the same as having your own child.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:14 PM on May 4, 2010
Please don't have children with him if you know you cannot treat his child as your own, and would instead think of that child as "his," and any children you have with him as "ours."
Well, you can't really say this without knowing the details of the situation. The child could be 30, or in fulltime custody of the mom, or whatever. And as fun as it is to have stepchildren, it's nto at all the same as having your own child.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:14 PM on May 4, 2010
Can only nth what everyone else is saying here. This nearly broke up my marriage, and though it didn't, in the end, it was insanely painful and the marriage we have now is in many ways a different marriage. And we both have emotional scars from it.
Our situation would never have been easy, but would have been...simpler...if we hadn't both been wishy washy about what we really wanted, at the beginning. Maybe we wouldn't have married, or maybe we would have gotten over it, but waiting 8 years to have that fight sure as hell did not make the fight any easier.
For the record, it's a good thing to feel strongly about kids/no kids, because the choice is hard either way. The only pisser is when the two of you can't agree.
Don't cling to faint hopes; hash it out now. You both need to figure out how important this is and how strongly you feel.
posted by emjaybee at 1:35 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Our situation would never have been easy, but would have been...simpler...if we hadn't both been wishy washy about what we really wanted, at the beginning. Maybe we wouldn't have married, or maybe we would have gotten over it, but waiting 8 years to have that fight sure as hell did not make the fight any easier.
For the record, it's a good thing to feel strongly about kids/no kids, because the choice is hard either way. The only pisser is when the two of you can't agree.
Don't cling to faint hopes; hash it out now. You both need to figure out how important this is and how strongly you feel.
posted by emjaybee at 1:35 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, you can't really say this without knowing the details of the situation. The child could be 30, or in fulltime custody of the mom, or whatever. And as fun as it is to have stepchildren, it's nto at all the same as having your own child.
I admit I'm assuming the child is not grown, and chances are my assumption is correct, given that she's 28. But if he's relinquished all custody of his child, such that they wouldn't ever have the child in their household, why on earth would it be a good idea to have children with someone who never sees the child he already has?
I strongly disagree that you can state categorically that having stepchildren is "not at all the same as having your own child." I really do know people who treat their stepchildren as their own, in every way, and whose stepchildren love them as parents. I can't see into their hearts, but I do know they would never, ever say they "don't have children."
posted by palliser at 1:38 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I admit I'm assuming the child is not grown, and chances are my assumption is correct, given that she's 28. But if he's relinquished all custody of his child, such that they wouldn't ever have the child in their household, why on earth would it be a good idea to have children with someone who never sees the child he already has?
I strongly disagree that you can state categorically that having stepchildren is "not at all the same as having your own child." I really do know people who treat their stepchildren as their own, in every way, and whose stepchildren love them as parents. I can't see into their hearts, but I do know they would never, ever say they "don't have children."
posted by palliser at 1:38 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
And as fun as it is to have stepchildren, it's nto at all the same as having your own child.
And it's not at all the case that this statement is true 100% of the time, as long as we're speaking in absolutes.
posted by scarykarrey at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
And it's not at all the case that this statement is true 100% of the time, as long as we're speaking in absolutes.
posted by scarykarrey at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
And as fun as it is to have stepchildren, it's nto at all the same as having your own child.
Hogwash.
posted by milarepa at 2:34 PM on May 4, 2010
I was 29, and my mate then said he wasn't ready for children. I have gynecological issues, and the common recommendation to "fix it" is "get pregnant" (hello endometriosis). I didn't think I was ready right then, but I knew I wanted children and I needed to be with someone who also wanted children, as it might be hard for me. His response sounded more like "I don't want children at all", and I felt I was wasting my time, even if were were having a great time doing so.
I left him. It hurt. He still doesn't have children, and likely won't for a while, either way I'm past my sell-by date now. In hindsight I don't think (had we become parents) we would have been a very good parenting team anyway. Later, I fell in love, head over heels with a man who said "I'd be honored to father your children". Our daughter, who has his wonderful smile, is the best thing that ever happened to me - and she entered my life when I was 34. No regrets. p.s. the "get pregnant" thing really helped with my endo too, but I also don't regret waiting for the right dad before testing that "cure". Dad is important, you will be tied to him forever, and your child will need him as much as they need you.
posted by dabitch at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I left him. It hurt. He still doesn't have children, and likely won't for a while, either way I'm past my sell-by date now. In hindsight I don't think (had we become parents) we would have been a very good parenting team anyway. Later, I fell in love, head over heels with a man who said "I'd be honored to father your children". Our daughter, who has his wonderful smile, is the best thing that ever happened to me - and she entered my life when I was 34. No regrets. p.s. the "get pregnant" thing really helped with my endo too, but I also don't regret waiting for the right dad before testing that "cure". Dad is important, you will be tied to him forever, and your child will need him as much as they need you.
posted by dabitch at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oy! I think this is a very serious question and you need to examine it with your partner seriously. I think this can, in fact, be a dealbreaker.
My husband and I were on the same page about not wanting kids (ever!) when we got married. 13 years of happy marriage later and we've come around. I kind of kept waiting for the mom hormones to kick in and want. baby. now. But, that (thankfully) never happened so it has been a very cerebral decision to decide to go forward and try to have a kid. But, we came to this decision together. Though, admittedly, my husband has been pushing for it a little harder than I. I know he'll be a good Dad and I look forward to doing this with him. But, I can see this kind of decision, if we felt very oppositionally, tearing us apart.
Kids or no kids is a major life decision and one that is fraught with social and familial pressures. I can't tell you not to get married as this is a very personal decision but you two need to have a real in depth discussion about this. It's not like one of you prefers chunky peanut-butter over smooth, this is major life planning.
posted by amanda at 4:14 PM on May 4, 2010
My husband and I were on the same page about not wanting kids (ever!) when we got married. 13 years of happy marriage later and we've come around. I kind of kept waiting for the mom hormones to kick in and want. baby. now. But, that (thankfully) never happened so it has been a very cerebral decision to decide to go forward and try to have a kid. But, we came to this decision together. Though, admittedly, my husband has been pushing for it a little harder than I. I know he'll be a good Dad and I look forward to doing this with him. But, I can see this kind of decision, if we felt very oppositionally, tearing us apart.
Kids or no kids is a major life decision and one that is fraught with social and familial pressures. I can't tell you not to get married as this is a very personal decision but you two need to have a real in depth discussion about this. It's not like one of you prefers chunky peanut-butter over smooth, this is major life planning.
posted by amanda at 4:14 PM on May 4, 2010
Sadly, your relationship is nearing an end.
"On one hand I have the heartbreaking thought that this sort of difference can't be reconciled"
This is true. If he doesn't want more kids and you want your own kids, the two of you aren't on the same future path.
"...on the other I think about the distant possibility that one of us might change our minds, and the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant."
How much are you willing to risk the future you want? Oh, right. My mistake. The comment about one of you changing your minds is usually meant to imply the man changing his mind. That's a risky game that'll lead to you being pregnant and alone. Don't play it.
I think it's wonderful that you know you want to have children, but you're not with the right man to make that future dream a reality. If you "accidentally" get pregnant, things will probably end badly.
As hard as this may be to do, you need to end your relationship and start again with someone who wants the same future that you want.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:29 PM on May 4, 2010
"On one hand I have the heartbreaking thought that this sort of difference can't be reconciled"
This is true. If he doesn't want more kids and you want your own kids, the two of you aren't on the same future path.
"...on the other I think about the distant possibility that one of us might change our minds, and the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant."
How much are you willing to risk the future you want? Oh, right. My mistake. The comment about one of you changing your minds is usually meant to imply the man changing his mind. That's a risky game that'll lead to you being pregnant and alone. Don't play it.
I think it's wonderful that you know you want to have children, but you're not with the right man to make that future dream a reality. If you "accidentally" get pregnant, things will probably end badly.
As hard as this may be to do, you need to end your relationship and start again with someone who wants the same future that you want.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:29 PM on May 4, 2010
One person I know who chose the guy who didn't want kids over the possibility of a guy who might want kids, is a bit forlorn about it. I wanted more kids, my ex- discovered that 1 kid was more responsibility than he wants in his life, and for that and other reasons, he split. He's an involved Dad who took little to no real responsibility for our now-adult child. I was always clear about wanting kids, and he said he did, too.
Things don't always work out as you expect. My son is all wound up around my heart and I can't imagine my life without him. I do still ache for the kids I didn't have. Always remember that kids are born with diseases, with physical damage. Kids grow up and use drugs, have car accidents, die tragically. You have them, they own you for life, and you can't hold onto them. I still ache because I thought my ex- was the love of my life, and he wasn't who he presented himself to be. What am I trying to say? You have dreams. Follow them. Expect life to surprise you.
posted by theora55 at 4:35 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Things don't always work out as you expect. My son is all wound up around my heart and I can't imagine my life without him. I do still ache for the kids I didn't have. Always remember that kids are born with diseases, with physical damage. Kids grow up and use drugs, have car accidents, die tragically. You have them, they own you for life, and you can't hold onto them. I still ache because I thought my ex- was the love of my life, and he wasn't who he presented himself to be. What am I trying to say? You have dreams. Follow them. Expect life to surprise you.
posted by theora55 at 4:35 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not only is this a dealbreaker, it's the ULTIMATE DEALBREAKER of all time. Greeeaat.
Now, speaking to you specifically:
(a) You have a ticking time clock over you for having kids due to your medical issue. You probably can't afford to wait around for this guy to change his mind, period. Assuming that it might take a few years to find a babydaddy, you'll need to get moving on finding a babydaddy ASAP if you have medical issues to fight through. Waiting on this guy to change his mind is not something you should do.
Now, if he "probably" doesn't want more kids, that sounds a lot less adamant, so you might have a shot if the option is "have kids with me or have none and no me either" and he's not totally hating the idea of being a dad. But if he is adamant, then it's over.
(b) If you want kids, it is a helluva lot easier for you to find someone else who wants them than it would be for someone who doesn't want kids to find someone else who doesn't want them. You will probably be able to replace this man with someone who wants children because 99% of the population seems to want more and more of them.
In general: I found this post on another board and thought it pretty much summed up the situation:
"As for two people who managed to get married while strongly disagreeing on this issue, and managed to stay married because we just love each other so damn much, there is no path to redemption. It becomes a question of who wants it more, and how much the loser can live with. We’re trying to get pregnant now, and I know I don’t have the high ground. The truth was that we wanted to be married to each other more than we wanted or didn’t want kids. So somebody had to loose, and I hope my losing husband finds something worthwhile in the whole parenthood process."
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Now, speaking to you specifically:
(a) You have a ticking time clock over you for having kids due to your medical issue. You probably can't afford to wait around for this guy to change his mind, period. Assuming that it might take a few years to find a babydaddy, you'll need to get moving on finding a babydaddy ASAP if you have medical issues to fight through. Waiting on this guy to change his mind is not something you should do.
Now, if he "probably" doesn't want more kids, that sounds a lot less adamant, so you might have a shot if the option is "have kids with me or have none and no me either" and he's not totally hating the idea of being a dad. But if he is adamant, then it's over.
(b) If you want kids, it is a helluva lot easier for you to find someone else who wants them than it would be for someone who doesn't want kids to find someone else who doesn't want them. You will probably be able to replace this man with someone who wants children because 99% of the population seems to want more and more of them.
In general: I found this post on another board and thought it pretty much summed up the situation:
"As for two people who managed to get married while strongly disagreeing on this issue, and managed to stay married because we just love each other so damn much, there is no path to redemption. It becomes a question of who wants it more, and how much the loser can live with. We’re trying to get pregnant now, and I know I don’t have the high ground. The truth was that we wanted to be married to each other more than we wanted or didn’t want kids. So somebody had to loose, and I hope my losing husband finds something worthwhile in the whole parenthood process."
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it comes down to this: what's more important, this man or your wanting kids? Everyone else has covered the rest.
posted by sdn at 6:17 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by sdn at 6:17 PM on May 4, 2010
You want kids in the next few years; what does he want?
You have some gyno issues that may make it difficult to conceive. So that to me sounds like you need a supportive partner who also wants kids and who will weather whatever difficulties your gyno issues might present.
You didn't ask for advice on how to talk to him about this, but if I may say something to address that: You can say, "I really love you, and I'd like to have kids someday with you. How do you feel about that?" It's totally legit that you want to have a kid. It's also legit for him not to want more. If he doesn't want to have kids, I guess you will have to break up, IF you really want kids that much.
the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant
This sounds like you might be thinking, "Well, if I can't even get pregnant, then that'll make him happy and he won't have to worry about more kids and we can stay together after all!" But the point is, it sounds like you want to try - how else will you know that you can't get pregnant? Would your partner want to try to have a kid with you?
posted by foxjacket at 6:29 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
You have some gyno issues that may make it difficult to conceive. So that to me sounds like you need a supportive partner who also wants kids and who will weather whatever difficulties your gyno issues might present.
You didn't ask for advice on how to talk to him about this, but if I may say something to address that: You can say, "I really love you, and I'd like to have kids someday with you. How do you feel about that?" It's totally legit that you want to have a kid. It's also legit for him not to want more. If he doesn't want to have kids, I guess you will have to break up, IF you really want kids that much.
the not-so-distant possibility that I may not even be able to get pregnant
This sounds like you might be thinking, "Well, if I can't even get pregnant, then that'll make him happy and he won't have to worry about more kids and we can stay together after all!" But the point is, it sounds like you want to try - how else will you know that you can't get pregnant? Would your partner want to try to have a kid with you?
posted by foxjacket at 6:29 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I ask because I'm involved with someone who has a child but will probably never want another one.
This makes it sound like you have not actually broached the subject with him - have you?
I'm sorry - I know your question was asking for advice/experiences on the matter but I cannot stress enough that the first step is to communicate: make it clear that this is something that is important to you, and something that you would like him to be a part of - give him an opportunity to hear your postion and to talk about his. You may find that he is not as opposed as you think - or that you guys can discuss his concerns and perhaps you can work through them together (he could have some baggage around the realtionship which bore his child?). But don't approach it to try and change his mind- just to understand his point of view.
Anyway, I think you really need some understanding of why it is he doesn't want kids before you can decide if you can live with that...
posted by nothing too obvious at 12:55 AM on May 5, 2010
This makes it sound like you have not actually broached the subject with him - have you?
I'm sorry - I know your question was asking for advice/experiences on the matter but I cannot stress enough that the first step is to communicate: make it clear that this is something that is important to you, and something that you would like him to be a part of - give him an opportunity to hear your postion and to talk about his. You may find that he is not as opposed as you think - or that you guys can discuss his concerns and perhaps you can work through them together (he could have some baggage around the realtionship which bore his child?). But don't approach it to try and change his mind- just to understand his point of view.
Anyway, I think you really need some understanding of why it is he doesn't want kids before you can decide if you can live with that...
posted by nothing too obvious at 12:55 AM on May 5, 2010
I once asked a retired psychoanalyst what was the most frustrating situation he treated over his long career. He said: "When one person wanted a child and the other didn't, but the couple went ahead and had a child anyway."
posted by Elsie at 4:18 AM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 4:18 AM on May 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm one of those people who always strongly wanted kids (even though as a rule, I'm not really keen on random, strange kids). I dated a guy for three years before realizing he really meant it when he said he didn't want to get married or have kids. We were both young, he was 21 when we started dating, so I figured he might change his mind when he matured a little, but he didn't. We split up because I loved him, but I really wanted more than just being a girlfriend and I knew I wasn't going to get it there.
I went through two years of being alone and going on crappy dates (the guy with the backfiring IROC was the pinnacle), but then I met my husband, and we very quickly hashed out whether we both wanted marriage and children in the future before we got too emotionally attached. He did make me wait a year longer than I wanted, and that year was long and sad for me, but in the end once he was ready, we had ourselves a baby. And he wasn't entirely on board with 2, he wants to focus on the one we have, but we are having two. So there's been compromise on both sides.
Anyway, you need to come clean with him and admit you do want children, you want them with him, but that you may need to leave the relationship (if that's indeed what you want to do) if he is adamantly against them. The worst heartbreaks I've seen are in the relationships where someone didn't speak up and tell the partner exactly what they wanted.
posted by kpht at 6:06 AM on May 5, 2010
I went through two years of being alone and going on crappy dates (the guy with the backfiring IROC was the pinnacle), but then I met my husband, and we very quickly hashed out whether we both wanted marriage and children in the future before we got too emotionally attached. He did make me wait a year longer than I wanted, and that year was long and sad for me, but in the end once he was ready, we had ourselves a baby. And he wasn't entirely on board with 2, he wants to focus on the one we have, but we are having two. So there's been compromise on both sides.
Anyway, you need to come clean with him and admit you do want children, you want them with him, but that you may need to leave the relationship (if that's indeed what you want to do) if he is adamantly against them. The worst heartbreaks I've seen are in the relationships where someone didn't speak up and tell the partner exactly what they wanted.
posted by kpht at 6:06 AM on May 5, 2010
If I could rewind six years, I would have hit the EJECT button after the issue of kids was discussed, rather than thinking the truth would change as we both matured.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 9:18 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by spaceandtime30 at 9:18 AM on May 5, 2010
I know I'm late to the thread, but this:
I once asked a retired psychoanalyst what was the most frustrating situation he treated over his long career. He said: "When one person wanted a child and the other didn't, but the couple went ahead and had a child anyway."
Read this and read it again. Whether or not to have kids is the one, big, bad disagreement that a couple CANNOT compromise on. You can sell a house, rehome a pet, move to a different country, gain weight, lose weight, and so on. You can compromise on all sorts of things. You CANNOT meet halfway on having a child. You SHOULD NEVER EVER have a child with someone who doesn't want one.
Let me repeat this for good measure. Never, EVER have a child with someone who doesn't 100% also want one. Children know when they are not wanted. A parent who becomes a parent because someone "oopsed' him or her, or who reluctantly, foot-draggingly goes along with a SO's desire for a child, is a disaster for a child. This is something that can take years of therapy and medications and so on to undo on the child's side, and often much guilt for the parent as well. Want a hefty dose of family dramarama? Have a child with someone who doesn't want one!
Do yourself a big favor. Break up with the guy and find someone who DOES want kids. It might hurt in the short run but you'll be far, far better off in the long run, and so will any child you might have.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:18 PM on May 5, 2010
I once asked a retired psychoanalyst what was the most frustrating situation he treated over his long career. He said: "When one person wanted a child and the other didn't, but the couple went ahead and had a child anyway."
Read this and read it again. Whether or not to have kids is the one, big, bad disagreement that a couple CANNOT compromise on. You can sell a house, rehome a pet, move to a different country, gain weight, lose weight, and so on. You can compromise on all sorts of things. You CANNOT meet halfway on having a child. You SHOULD NEVER EVER have a child with someone who doesn't want one.
Let me repeat this for good measure. Never, EVER have a child with someone who doesn't 100% also want one. Children know when they are not wanted. A parent who becomes a parent because someone "oopsed' him or her, or who reluctantly, foot-draggingly goes along with a SO's desire for a child, is a disaster for a child. This is something that can take years of therapy and medications and so on to undo on the child's side, and often much guilt for the parent as well. Want a hefty dose of family dramarama? Have a child with someone who doesn't want one!
Do yourself a big favor. Break up with the guy and find someone who DOES want kids. It might hurt in the short run but you'll be far, far better off in the long run, and so will any child you might have.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:18 PM on May 5, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all the input. I finally bit the bullet and brought this up to my boyfriend. We had never discussed the idea of us having kids together before -- my understanding of his feelings was based on a long conversation we had a couple weeks ago about stepfamilies. He said he didn't think it would be right to start a family because it would be unfair to his son. (His son lives with the mom, though that may change in the future.) In general he was dismissive about the idea of stepparents, saying that it causes too much upheaval for kids. I argued that it's a huge grey area with potential negatives but also potential positives.
Anyway, the reason I said "probably" is that I knew his feelings were complicated. He loves being a father and wishes he could spend more time with his son. And he's always wanted a family, ideally, but in some ways he's felt that since the whole happy-family thing didn't pan out with his first child, he gave up his chance at that.
But he surprised me when I brought it up the other night. I told him that I love him and envision having kids with him someday, but that after our previous talk I was worried that we might not be on the same page about the future. He said he realized he was speaking out of fear when he said that it would be wrong to have more children. Then he told me that he thinks all the time about what our child would look like, that I have no idea how often he imagines us having a family. We've talked about it quite a bit over the past couple nights and have never felt closer to each other.
So thanks again, y'all.
posted by spinto at 8:58 AM on May 7, 2010
Anyway, the reason I said "probably" is that I knew his feelings were complicated. He loves being a father and wishes he could spend more time with his son. And he's always wanted a family, ideally, but in some ways he's felt that since the whole happy-family thing didn't pan out with his first child, he gave up his chance at that.
But he surprised me when I brought it up the other night. I told him that I love him and envision having kids with him someday, but that after our previous talk I was worried that we might not be on the same page about the future. He said he realized he was speaking out of fear when he said that it would be wrong to have more children. Then he told me that he thinks all the time about what our child would look like, that I have no idea how often he imagines us having a family. We've talked about it quite a bit over the past couple nights and have never felt closer to each other.
So thanks again, y'all.
posted by spinto at 8:58 AM on May 7, 2010
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A few months after we were engaged, she told me that she had changed her mind and that she did want kids after all. We were married in August of 1999 and our first child (of two) was born in 2001. She told me that her reason for changing her mind was that the idea of having children in general didn't appeal to her, but the idea of having children with me did.
So there is always the possibility that minds will change, and it isn't even necessarily that remote a possibility. You have to decide what is more important to you, and if that's having kids, then you have to see if his mind is made up on the subject. If you can't conceive, that may introduce another wrinkle to the situation, but one that if it's relevant you can deal with together. There are always options these days, from IVF to adoption. But that's really not the point right now.
Oh, and having been a father for over nine years now, I can say that I've never once regretted having kids.
posted by cerebus19 at 12:06 PM on May 4, 2010