Where can I get those Shallow Hal goggles?
April 2, 2010 10:21 AM Subscribe
How can I stop being shallow or focused on looks?
I am currently dating a person who is my best friend, I am (extremely) sexually compatible with, makes me laugh and also truly enjoys my company (as I enjoy hers). We've been on and off for the last year and a month ago decided to give our last relationship one last chance before calling it quits altogether in the chance that it does not work.
Everything has been working fine for the most part, after working out some issues that we had with each other the relationship is going fine but I cant stop having this nagging feeling that I can do better in the looks department. This lady is definitely not ugly, in fact she is good-looking herself and is often pursued by a lot of guys however my eyes she has always seem more or less kind of average. Compounding the problem the last couple of days people have mentioned how she "looks" different from all the other people I've dated but that they are glad to see me "happy".
To explain a little bit more about me, I am one of those guys who grew up a bit chubby and short and didnt fully bloom until college. Because of this I always focused on my studies and being a well rounded person. During college however I grew up, got in shape, and even became a professional male model for 5 years which has exposed me to women of all sorts of great beauty. After dating a great amount of these women, I, more than other people know really know the true meaning of "Looks are not everything".
Through all those years, this lady has been my friend, has seen my growth and because of this she understands me in ways that other people do not. I'm able to tell her "ALL" my secrets (even the most perverse ones) and even if she doesnt agree with them she is able to respect me as I am. I never had this with anyone before and I have the feeling that I want to keep it. Also the sexual chemistry is amazing to the point where sometimes I think i am addicted to the intimacy I have with her. The only two negatives I have are:
1) Her looks are not up to par with mine (in most couples I always feel that the woman is the better looking one and not the guy)
2) For some reason she doesnt smell good to me. And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people.
I think from writing this question that the answer whether I should stay with her seems to point to a clear "yes" but at least once everyday somewhere in my brain nags me and I start wondering whether I've made the right choice?
I have only been in one long term relationship (that lasted three years) where I was truly attracted to the person for both her looks and her personality and that one ended about 3 years ago...I know how it feels to date someone with whose looks you are really comfortable with but since then i havent been able to recreate that feeling of extreme attraction in every aspect...
mefites how can I get rid of this nagging? I want to make this work and shall this relationship fail between us I want it to be for other reasons than me having some sort of stubborn standard of beauty. During the last two years I have dated many women neither of which I had the chemistry I have with my current gf and I dont want to repeat the same mistakes over and over of going out with someone whom I think are extremely attractive only to find that we dont click in other places......is it possible to get over this?
I am currently dating a person who is my best friend, I am (extremely) sexually compatible with, makes me laugh and also truly enjoys my company (as I enjoy hers). We've been on and off for the last year and a month ago decided to give our last relationship one last chance before calling it quits altogether in the chance that it does not work.
Everything has been working fine for the most part, after working out some issues that we had with each other the relationship is going fine but I cant stop having this nagging feeling that I can do better in the looks department. This lady is definitely not ugly, in fact she is good-looking herself and is often pursued by a lot of guys however my eyes she has always seem more or less kind of average. Compounding the problem the last couple of days people have mentioned how she "looks" different from all the other people I've dated but that they are glad to see me "happy".
To explain a little bit more about me, I am one of those guys who grew up a bit chubby and short and didnt fully bloom until college. Because of this I always focused on my studies and being a well rounded person. During college however I grew up, got in shape, and even became a professional male model for 5 years which has exposed me to women of all sorts of great beauty. After dating a great amount of these women, I, more than other people know really know the true meaning of "Looks are not everything".
Through all those years, this lady has been my friend, has seen my growth and because of this she understands me in ways that other people do not. I'm able to tell her "ALL" my secrets (even the most perverse ones) and even if she doesnt agree with them she is able to respect me as I am. I never had this with anyone before and I have the feeling that I want to keep it. Also the sexual chemistry is amazing to the point where sometimes I think i am addicted to the intimacy I have with her. The only two negatives I have are:
1) Her looks are not up to par with mine (in most couples I always feel that the woman is the better looking one and not the guy)
2) For some reason she doesnt smell good to me. And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people.
I think from writing this question that the answer whether I should stay with her seems to point to a clear "yes" but at least once everyday somewhere in my brain nags me and I start wondering whether I've made the right choice?
I have only been in one long term relationship (that lasted three years) where I was truly attracted to the person for both her looks and her personality and that one ended about 3 years ago...I know how it feels to date someone with whose looks you are really comfortable with but since then i havent been able to recreate that feeling of extreme attraction in every aspect...
mefites how can I get rid of this nagging? I want to make this work and shall this relationship fail between us I want it to be for other reasons than me having some sort of stubborn standard of beauty. During the last two years I have dated many women neither of which I had the chemistry I have with my current gf and I dont want to repeat the same mistakes over and over of going out with someone whom I think are extremely attractive only to find that we dont click in other places......is it possible to get over this?
Please do her a big favor and end the relationship.
As for how to stop being so shallow? If you were the short, fat kid in high school and don't remember what that felt like and how you didn't like being judged for your appearance, well, maybe it's time to use that experience for some personal growth. Stat.
posted by meerkatty at 10:29 AM on April 2, 2010 [25 favorites]
As for how to stop being so shallow? If you were the short, fat kid in high school and don't remember what that felt like and how you didn't like being judged for your appearance, well, maybe it's time to use that experience for some personal growth. Stat.
posted by meerkatty at 10:29 AM on April 2, 2010 [25 favorites]
I read your question a couple of times and can't figure out if your concerns are purely aesthetic or if you aren't really attracted to her. If what is bothering you is only how good she looks with you, then I'm with headspace. But if you just like her a lot but don't feel that extra pull, that true attraction, that people tend to translate as "smells good" or "sexy" or "irresistable," then your body may be telling you something important about whether you two are really a good fit.
To me, looks are terribly subjective, but attraction is a real and personal (and lasting) phenomenon.
posted by bearwife at 10:33 AM on April 2, 2010
To me, looks are terribly subjective, but attraction is a real and personal (and lasting) phenomenon.
posted by bearwife at 10:33 AM on April 2, 2010
Well, you do sound shallow, which is something you need to learn to get past, but regardless, I'm pretty sure that when you find the right person you won't even think twice about this. This girl isn't the right person for you.
posted by something something at 10:33 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by something something at 10:33 AM on April 2, 2010
I've found that when someone (usually a more defensive person) starts pestering me about something they find irritating, it's usually because they can't stand those things in themselves. "Oh, you talk too much. Everyone says so." Really? As if I didn't know such a thing. And if "everyone says so, why haven't they mentioned it to me?
Furthermore, I have also found that the biggest offenders, particularly when it comes to weight and other appearance-based factors, are those who were once not thought of as attractive (or didn't think they were attractive) and then became that way, typically through sudden growth or hard work. (I should also mention that these people typically weren't that bad to begin with, but probably built up most of their anxiety on their own.) So when an acquaintance of mine laughs at people's muffin tops, I can say, "Uh huh" and then roll my eyes the next time he whines about how much of a fattie he is with his 10% body fat.
You need to work on your own insecurities. There's a part of you that is probably saying, "Great; I've worked really hard to be where I am, and it's paid off, but now I'm with this woman, and she's not up to par.... and I CAN'T CONTROL THAT." That's what it is. You've controlled the things you felt were out of control, but you're faced with something that you can't manage in that way. Nor should you. She is a person, not an accessory.
Yeah, if you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her, and you should probably break up. But it's not fair to project your need for control on another person.
posted by Madamina at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
Furthermore, I have also found that the biggest offenders, particularly when it comes to weight and other appearance-based factors, are those who were once not thought of as attractive (or didn't think they were attractive) and then became that way, typically through sudden growth or hard work. (I should also mention that these people typically weren't that bad to begin with, but probably built up most of their anxiety on their own.) So when an acquaintance of mine laughs at people's muffin tops, I can say, "Uh huh" and then roll my eyes the next time he whines about how much of a fattie he is with his 10% body fat.
You need to work on your own insecurities. There's a part of you that is probably saying, "Great; I've worked really hard to be where I am, and it's paid off, but now I'm with this woman, and she's not up to par.... and I CAN'T CONTROL THAT." That's what it is. You've controlled the things you felt were out of control, but you're faced with something that you can't manage in that way. Nor should you. She is a person, not an accessory.
Yeah, if you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her, and you should probably break up. But it's not fair to project your need for control on another person.
posted by Madamina at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
Compounding the problem the last couple of days people have mentioned how she "looks" different from all the other people I've dated but that they are glad to see me "happy".
It sounds like you might place too much emphasis on what other people think, and how a couple is "supposed to look" to others. If you are really serious about moving past what you suspect to be your areas of superficiality, you might want to start by looking into why you so value the opinions of others.
posted by applemeat at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you might place too much emphasis on what other people think, and how a couple is "supposed to look" to others. If you are really serious about moving past what you suspect to be your areas of superficiality, you might want to start by looking into why you so value the opinions of others.
posted by applemeat at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
During the last two years I have dated many women neither of which I had the chemistry I have with my current gf and I dont want to repeat the same mistakes over and over of going out with someone whom I think are extremely attractive only to find that we dont click in other places......is it possible to get over this?
To answer your question: of course it is possible, and you will have to find a way to make it possible if you are not to live a life stupidly handicapped by your being a dick. When you say you "didnt fully bloom until college", you seem oblivious to the blatant fact that by most human standards you still haven't "bloomed" and may never do so! Watch out!
posted by cincinnatus c at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
To answer your question: of course it is possible, and you will have to find a way to make it possible if you are not to live a life stupidly handicapped by your being a dick. When you say you "didnt fully bloom until college", you seem oblivious to the blatant fact that by most human standards you still haven't "bloomed" and may never do so! Watch out!
posted by cincinnatus c at 10:36 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please break up with her if you can't find a way to get over this. Odds are pretty good she knows how you feel and not being considered sexy by your boyfriend can be really damaging.
posted by Kimberly at 10:37 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Kimberly at 10:37 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
There is absolutely zero way for me to say this and not sound harsh - but you sound like a selfish ass. You KNOW that looks aren't everything and yet you're still willing to throw a good thing away because you think you can do better. tsk. If you want to not be shallow: Don't be. You know she's an awesome person with whom you have a great relationship. There WILL ALWAYS be someone more attractive. That's the way the world is.
For me? I've dated all over the map. Astonishingly gorgeous women and "average" women as well as women whom my friends politely inquired "what do you see in her?" over. Know what they all had in common? I thought they were the most beautiful woman in the room. No matter what room we were in.
If you don't feel that when you're with her - no matter where you are? End it now. She deserves to be the light in someone's eye. Everyone does.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [9 favorites]
For me? I've dated all over the map. Astonishingly gorgeous women and "average" women as well as women whom my friends politely inquired "what do you see in her?" over. Know what they all had in common? I thought they were the most beautiful woman in the room. No matter what room we were in.
If you don't feel that when you're with her - no matter where you are? End it now. She deserves to be the light in someone's eye. Everyone does.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [9 favorites]
Just a question to think about -- Would you consider yourself lucky to be with her, looks wise, if you were still, as you put it, "a bit chubby and short"? Would she satisfy your negative #1 then? Has all that's changed is that you grew a bit and hit the gym?
You're letting your ego dictate who you think you "deserve", looks wise. You're better than this, given the fact you're even asking the question. Don't let your ego ruin your happiness.
But if you realize that yes, looks are the most important thing in a relationship for you, then please end it now and let her get on with her life. It's the least you can do.
posted by cgg at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
You're letting your ego dictate who you think you "deserve", looks wise. You're better than this, given the fact you're even asking the question. Don't let your ego ruin your happiness.
But if you realize that yes, looks are the most important thing in a relationship for you, then please end it now and let her get on with her life. It's the least you can do.
posted by cgg at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think from writing this question that the answer whether I should stay with her seems to point to a clear "yes"
Yeah, you're definitely under a sex haze. Look, you guys have already broken up a few times before, probably for reasons unrelated to looks. I think you just have to throw in the towel on this one.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you're definitely under a sex haze. Look, you guys have already broken up a few times before, probably for reasons unrelated to looks. I think you just have to throw in the towel on this one.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your Greek chorus is reinforcing your insecurity. You need to fire them and find some people who know to keep their traps shut unless it's a genuine, serious, "dude, listen, I think she's no good for you and here's why, she murders puppies"-level issue. The current lot are just feeding into your anxiety-- which is probably based in some feeling that you worked hard for your physical appearance, but the popularity that came with it is, in the end, superficial and might abruptly vanish for no reason you can control.
Which, well, yes. The popularity that comes with good looks is time-limited by definition. Question is, how do you let that define your actions?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:44 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Which, well, yes. The popularity that comes with good looks is time-limited by definition. Question is, how do you let that define your actions?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:44 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'll throw this one out — there's some research indicating that scent plays a factor in attraction, though most of it seems to be in the female->male direction. Something about immunocompatibility. "Smells like my dad / smells like my brother" are common turn-off reactions to, of all things, unwashed T-shirts.
If she doesn't smell "right" to you, that might be coloring everything else in your perception, including how you estimate her looks. People are still mammals, after all.
posted by adipocere at 10:47 AM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
If she doesn't smell "right" to you, that might be coloring everything else in your perception, including how you estimate her looks. People are still mammals, after all.
posted by adipocere at 10:47 AM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you might place too much emphasis on what other people think, and how a couple is "supposed to look" to others. If you are really serious about moving past what you suspect to be your areas of superficiality, you might want to start by looking into why you so value the opinions of others.
+1
To me it sounds like you've been ingrained with some sort of "I am really good looking" by the people around you, and that needs to be examined. You shouldn't worry about what other people think of the person that makes you happy, especially related to their looks. I think it is a huge step that you are realizing some of these things.
posted by Big_B at 10:47 AM on April 2, 2010
+1
To me it sounds like you've been ingrained with some sort of "I am really good looking" by the people around you, and that needs to be examined. You shouldn't worry about what other people think of the person that makes you happy, especially related to their looks. I think it is a huge step that you are realizing some of these things.
posted by Big_B at 10:47 AM on April 2, 2010
Here's the thing.
You're looking for a 'long term' relationship. This means a person you're going to have to tolerate (yes... I said tolerate. Tolerance is a big part of love.) for years, possibly even decades to come.
Remember when Pamela Anderson was hot? Now she looks like leather. No one is immune to time and gravity (except maybe Florence Henderson. She made a pact with Satan). Better to choose someone who you at least have a connection with and be happy with over the long haul rather than someone who just currently meets your standard of beauty but will not only irritate you more and more as time goes on but will also look less and less attractive.
Also keep in mind, time is kicking your ass too, so you can choose to waste your time now on the superficial, but eventually you're going to have to choose whats real, or just be alone.
And finding whats real is a lot easier when you're not old, fat and bald.
posted by Nyarlathotep at 10:49 AM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
You're looking for a 'long term' relationship. This means a person you're going to have to tolerate (yes... I said tolerate. Tolerance is a big part of love.) for years, possibly even decades to come.
Remember when Pamela Anderson was hot? Now she looks like leather. No one is immune to time and gravity (except maybe Florence Henderson. She made a pact with Satan). Better to choose someone who you at least have a connection with and be happy with over the long haul rather than someone who just currently meets your standard of beauty but will not only irritate you more and more as time goes on but will also look less and less attractive.
Also keep in mind, time is kicking your ass too, so you can choose to waste your time now on the superficial, but eventually you're going to have to choose whats real, or just be alone.
And finding whats real is a lot easier when you're not old, fat and bald.
posted by Nyarlathotep at 10:49 AM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
When you ask a question like this (and I'll leave it to you to infer what constitutes a question "like this"), you're going to get answers lambasting you for how superficial you are and telling you to leave for her sake. (E.g. "You're not as good-looking as you think you are. And she is better looking than you are giving her credit for." Um, how can we possibly know this?)
I'm not going to judge you for being shallow. At least you know what you want. You want someone better-looking than her. It's a major issue for you, and your relationship has been very tumultuous. It's not our place to judge whether you're too shallow or how good-lucking you or your girlfriend or anyone else is. If you care about these things, then you care about them, and you're not going to stop caring about them just because some internet commenters told you to. If I were you, I would end the relationship and try to find someone you're more interested in.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:50 AM on April 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
I'm not going to judge you for being shallow. At least you know what you want. You want someone better-looking than her. It's a major issue for you, and your relationship has been very tumultuous. It's not our place to judge whether you're too shallow or how good-lucking you or your girlfriend or anyone else is. If you care about these things, then you care about them, and you're not going to stop caring about them just because some internet commenters told you to. If I were you, I would end the relationship and try to find someone you're more interested in.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:50 AM on April 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
Everything has been working fine for the most part, after working out some issues that we had with each other the relationship is going fine but I cant stop having this nagging feeling that I can do better in the looks department.
You should end the relationship primarily because you don't love her. If you loved her, this wouldn't bother you or be apparent. If you're very good looking, then you'll meet someone who is good looking, and hopefully, nice and compatible. Everybody has a type.
posted by anniecat at 10:51 AM on April 2, 2010
You should end the relationship primarily because you don't love her. If you loved her, this wouldn't bother you or be apparent. If you're very good looking, then you'll meet someone who is good looking, and hopefully, nice and compatible. Everybody has a type.
posted by anniecat at 10:51 AM on April 2, 2010
Good looks fade. Accidents happen that leave scars. Some people who are incredibly good looking in their youth end up looking incredibly odd as they age, on the flip side there are some people who look odd as a youth and turn into really good looking older people.
My point is that you should want to be with this woman no matter how she looks. If she were in some kind of disfiguring accident would you still love her and want to be with her? You said you tried relationships with the amazing looking girls and couldn't find what you wanted. This woman has everything you want but you're ready to toss out the relationship because she isn't as pretty as you? Really?
If you are really thinking about being with her in a long term relationship, maybe you should try looking at the bigger picture. Is it possible that you are remembering that relationship three years ago with some kind of rose colored filter. The relationship obviously ended for a reason. If you can't make the choice to be with this woman for who she is and for the wonderful way you feel when you are together and let the rest go, then you owe it to this amazing woman to let her go find somebody who will appreciate her. Somebody who won't constantly compare her to the models (an abnormal, usually unattainable standard of beauty) that they used to date.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:54 AM on April 2, 2010
My point is that you should want to be with this woman no matter how she looks. If she were in some kind of disfiguring accident would you still love her and want to be with her? You said you tried relationships with the amazing looking girls and couldn't find what you wanted. This woman has everything you want but you're ready to toss out the relationship because she isn't as pretty as you? Really?
If you are really thinking about being with her in a long term relationship, maybe you should try looking at the bigger picture. Is it possible that you are remembering that relationship three years ago with some kind of rose colored filter. The relationship obviously ended for a reason. If you can't make the choice to be with this woman for who she is and for the wonderful way you feel when you are together and let the rest go, then you owe it to this amazing woman to let her go find somebody who will appreciate her. Somebody who won't constantly compare her to the models (an abnormal, usually unattainable standard of beauty) that they used to date.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:54 AM on April 2, 2010
There's a part of you that is probably saying, "Great; I've worked really hard to be where I am, and it's paid off, but now I'm with this woman, and she's not up to par.... and I CAN'T CONTROL THAT." That's what it is. You've controlled the things you felt were out of control, but you're faced with something that you can't manage in that way. Nor should you. She is a person, not an accessory.
This.
You need to break up with her. Relationships are easier in the beginning than they are over the long haul. Anything you are struggling with now will become a big pain in the future. Kind of like a pebble in your shoe. It's a bit annoying now, but if you have to wince through it daily forever, it's just awful. Don't do it to either of you.
posted by toastedbeagle at 10:57 AM on April 2, 2010
This.
You need to break up with her. Relationships are easier in the beginning than they are over the long haul. Anything you are struggling with now will become a big pain in the future. Kind of like a pebble in your shoe. It's a bit annoying now, but if you have to wince through it daily forever, it's just awful. Don't do it to either of you.
posted by toastedbeagle at 10:57 AM on April 2, 2010
Are you worried about what other people are thinking? If so, which do you think would raise you in the estimation of people whose opinions you'd really value: you're being with a "hot" girl, or being with someone at whom you've clearly looked more deeply?
posted by amtho at 11:13 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by amtho at 11:13 AM on April 2, 2010
For some reason she doesn't smell good to me.
I think the big problem is that you aren't physically compatible (you may enjoy sex with her, but your bodies aren't compatible). I've never been able to maintain attraction to anyone, no matter their wonderful qualities, if they don't smell good to me. I've found that the longer you date someone, if the physical attraction is there, they become better looking to me over time. There is a reason that some people become our best friends, but not our lovers. I don't know if this is something that one can use reason to overcome.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:23 AM on April 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
I think the big problem is that you aren't physically compatible (you may enjoy sex with her, but your bodies aren't compatible). I've never been able to maintain attraction to anyone, no matter their wonderful qualities, if they don't smell good to me. I've found that the longer you date someone, if the physical attraction is there, they become better looking to me over time. There is a reason that some people become our best friends, but not our lovers. I don't know if this is something that one can use reason to overcome.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:23 AM on April 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't think this is *the* answer.
But it sounds to me like you get a lot of your self esteem from your looks, and from the looks of the girls you're with. And it sounds to me that you hang out with people who are also focused on looks, or who give some importance to looks.
I think it might help if you started doing something that would give you a great deal of self esteem, that would have absolutely nothing to do with what you look like. And would have absolutely nothing to do with other external markers of "image" like your clothes, your car and your girlfriend.
I think it would also help if you made some friends who cared very very deeply in something, who valued a particular thing very deeply in people, that had nothing to do with looks at all.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
But it sounds to me like you get a lot of your self esteem from your looks, and from the looks of the girls you're with. And it sounds to me that you hang out with people who are also focused on looks, or who give some importance to looks.
I think it might help if you started doing something that would give you a great deal of self esteem, that would have absolutely nothing to do with what you look like. And would have absolutely nothing to do with other external markers of "image" like your clothes, your car and your girlfriend.
I think it would also help if you made some friends who cared very very deeply in something, who valued a particular thing very deeply in people, that had nothing to do with looks at all.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
I cant stop having this nagging feeling that I can do better in the looks department.
You can and have done better in the looks department. Yet she's the one you tell all your secrets to.
You seem so caught in the idealized fantasy in your head that you've become blind to what's in front of you. You're so busy trying to recreate this feeling from a relationship of three years ago that you seem to be contemplating letting this one go.
Here's the truth: You'll always be able to do "better" in some specific categories, but you can't mix and match people. They're a total package, with good and bad points, that you have ultimately love and tolerate or not.
Talk this over with some close friends or a therapist. I'm guessing you need other people to point out how potentially silly and damaging this is to happiness and stop listening to the fucked up voice in your head.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:27 AM on April 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
You can and have done better in the looks department. Yet she's the one you tell all your secrets to.
You seem so caught in the idealized fantasy in your head that you've become blind to what's in front of you. You're so busy trying to recreate this feeling from a relationship of three years ago that you seem to be contemplating letting this one go.
Here's the truth: You'll always be able to do "better" in some specific categories, but you can't mix and match people. They're a total package, with good and bad points, that you have ultimately love and tolerate or not.
Talk this over with some close friends or a therapist. I'm guessing you need other people to point out how potentially silly and damaging this is to happiness and stop listening to the fucked up voice in your head.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:27 AM on April 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Only this part stuck out to me:
2) For some reason she doesnt smell good to me. And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people.
Ignore any perfume business.
The first thing I thought of at the mention of smells is human pheromones, a strictly biological phenomenon over which we have no social or psychological control.
Maybe you seriously just aren't physically attracted/compatible with her, as some others have commented.
posted by Ky at 11:35 AM on April 2, 2010
2) For some reason she doesnt smell good to me. And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people.
Ignore any perfume business.
The first thing I thought of at the mention of smells is human pheromones, a strictly biological phenomenon over which we have no social or psychological control.
Maybe you seriously just aren't physically attracted/compatible with her, as some others have commented.
posted by Ky at 11:35 AM on April 2, 2010
You say you're sexually compatible, but are you sexually attracted to her? The things you describe, about her looks and smells and such, suggest not. Two people can be very compatible from a "we like the same kind of things" perspective, but not have that "spark." If you don't have it, it's a hard thing to find, and while some people don't consider that a prerequisite for a healthy long-term relationship, others do.
Of course, if you do have that spark, then perhaps you're being shallow, but explore the level of sexual attraction (not compatibility) you have for her first.
posted by davejay at 11:49 AM on April 2, 2010
Of course, if you do have that spark, then perhaps you're being shallow, but explore the level of sexual attraction (not compatibility) you have for her first.
posted by davejay at 11:49 AM on April 2, 2010
Man up. You made a mistake here. You're clearly just not attracted to her and shouldn't have started a relationship with her.
In the future, don't put women through this crap. She definitely doesn't want to be with someone who feels this way about her. You don't want to be with someone you feel this way about. End it.
This doesn't have to be about how ugly you were as a kid or anything else. It doesn't necessarily make you shallow, at least not any more shallow than the next person. Anyone who says otherwise is living in some fantasy world where sex is all about beauty and magic and conveniently ignores the importance of lust. It's perfectly normal to only get into relationships with people you find physically attractive. Really. Lots of people have some weird fetish that excludes 99.9% of the population based purely on outward appearances.
None of this is saying that you don't have _issues_ that are going to lead you down the road to living-alone-foreversville, but fixing those issues is a long-term project. I dunno if it's that you're hung up on what other people think of your taste in women or if you think you're some sort of beautiful man-god. Either way, it's something you should work on but I don't think you're going to get over it in time to fix this relationship.
posted by paanta at 11:56 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
In the future, don't put women through this crap. She definitely doesn't want to be with someone who feels this way about her. You don't want to be with someone you feel this way about. End it.
This doesn't have to be about how ugly you were as a kid or anything else. It doesn't necessarily make you shallow, at least not any more shallow than the next person. Anyone who says otherwise is living in some fantasy world where sex is all about beauty and magic and conveniently ignores the importance of lust. It's perfectly normal to only get into relationships with people you find physically attractive. Really. Lots of people have some weird fetish that excludes 99.9% of the population based purely on outward appearances.
None of this is saying that you don't have _issues_ that are going to lead you down the road to living-alone-foreversville, but fixing those issues is a long-term project. I dunno if it's that you're hung up on what other people think of your taste in women or if you think you're some sort of beautiful man-god. Either way, it's something you should work on but I don't think you're going to get over it in time to fix this relationship.
posted by paanta at 11:56 AM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
This lady is definitely not ugly, in fact she is good-looking herself and is often pursued by a lot of guys however my eyes she has always seem more or less kind of average.
This is weird to me, because every person I've ever fallen for has been absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.
Not, of course, to everyone else, but to me? Most beautiful woman ever.
So to me it doesn't sound like you've "fallen" for her, if my experience is at all common (and it may not be). Consider what that will mean for your future.
posted by rtha at 12:07 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
This is weird to me, because every person I've ever fallen for has been absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.
Not, of course, to everyone else, but to me? Most beautiful woman ever.
So to me it doesn't sound like you've "fallen" for her, if my experience is at all common (and it may not be). Consider what that will mean for your future.
posted by rtha at 12:07 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Just one more data point: I have a male friend that most women find very attractive. He's a great friend, I care about him and he cares about me, we have had fun adventures and great conversations, but....I think he looks pretty goofy. I can see why other women think he's hot, but to me he has all the physical attraction of a golden retriever (not doggist). We're not compatible physically, but we will very likely always be good friends.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:14 PM on April 2, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:14 PM on April 2, 2010
I think from writing this question that the answer whether I should stay with her seems to point to a clear "yes" but at least once everyday somewhere in my brain nags me and I start wondering whether I've made the right choice?
Variations on this question get asked over and over in AskMe. It's always, this person is great, they're smart and funny, healthy, reasonably attractive, s/he's my best friend, we can talk about anything, our sex life is pretty good....but I feel like I could do better/something is missing/I'm racked with doubt about getting married, having a kid...etc.
These are all variations on the theme of how do I know this is the right person for me? How do I know I'm not just settling? How can I be wise?
There is no single answer to this, because even if everyone gave the answer 'don't be an ass, do you know how lucky you are?' there's a non-trivial chance that whatever that thing is that's missing (but she'll never build wooden ducks with me!!! How will I live???) will be the thing that projects you out of the relationship like a rocket ten years later when you're married and have two kids with her.
So who knows? My metric tends to be, are you psyched when you see her car in the driveway, even though you see her all the time? Because that's a really good sign, in my view.
But only you can know.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:33 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Variations on this question get asked over and over in AskMe. It's always, this person is great, they're smart and funny, healthy, reasonably attractive, s/he's my best friend, we can talk about anything, our sex life is pretty good....but I feel like I could do better/something is missing/I'm racked with doubt about getting married, having a kid...etc.
These are all variations on the theme of how do I know this is the right person for me? How do I know I'm not just settling? How can I be wise?
There is no single answer to this, because even if everyone gave the answer 'don't be an ass, do you know how lucky you are?' there's a non-trivial chance that whatever that thing is that's missing (but she'll never build wooden ducks with me!!! How will I live???) will be the thing that projects you out of the relationship like a rocket ten years later when you're married and have two kids with her.
So who knows? My metric tends to be, are you psyched when you see her car in the driveway, even though you see her all the time? Because that's a really good sign, in my view.
But only you can know.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:33 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Is it possible that this woman is functionally your sister?
posted by amtho at 12:44 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 12:44 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was a fat kid too, and I'll second what's already been said: Low self-esteem.
You've not enough confidence in yourself hence in your own emotions/feelings. Instead
of being content (and grateful) with how this woman makes you feel, you need others
and their standards to approve/justify your feelings.
You sound more than capable. This is not a big deal to overcome..if you're serious.
posted by larry_darrell at 12:52 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You've not enough confidence in yourself hence in your own emotions/feelings. Instead
of being content (and grateful) with how this woman makes you feel, you need others
and their standards to approve/justify your feelings.
You sound more than capable. This is not a big deal to overcome..if you're serious.
posted by larry_darrell at 12:52 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
That nagging is your Reproduction Radar talking.
You (see yourself as a): 9
She (is seen by you as a): 7
Your biological imperative: Mate with a 9 or better to improve the species.
A lot more can be said (and debated on the subject), but for you, I think it boils down to this.
Consideration of appearance is at our very core. It's a biological, social, and economic advantage which you want to pass on to your offspring. No fault in that.
Still, it sounds like you're not in love with her. If you were, she would be beautiful to you and you never would have posted in the first place. Move along.
posted by FrotzOzmoo at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You (see yourself as a): 9
She (is seen by you as a): 7
Your biological imperative: Mate with a 9 or better to improve the species.
A lot more can be said (and debated on the subject), but for you, I think it boils down to this.
Consideration of appearance is at our very core. It's a biological, social, and economic advantage which you want to pass on to your offspring. No fault in that.
Still, it sounds like you're not in love with her. If you were, she would be beautiful to you and you never would have posted in the first place. Move along.
posted by FrotzOzmoo at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is something that happens to me when I like someone. They look different, and yet they look the same.
Have you ever met someone who was physically good looking at first, then you got to know them and realized that they were (selfish, crazy, cocky, other undesirable quality), and they very quickly became less physically attractive to you? I mean they look the same, but they suddenly look physically more "ugly."
And vice versa… you meet someone who is "ok" but then you get to know more about their personality, that they are (funny, kind, easy-going other desirable quality) and they very quickly become more physically attractive to you? Perhaps *the* most attractive person to you? They look the same, but they also suddenly look amazing.
I don't really know how this happens. I don't know how to explain it more clearly or how to wear those lenses. It just happens. The "hot" person can become "the what-the-hell-was-I-thinking" person, or the average person can become the most beautiful thing you've ever laid eyes upon. It's not that either of these people have undergone changes in their physical appearance. But they look different (and yet they look the same). But the lenses don't have much to do about other people, and I think in order to learn how to see through them, you have to learn how these lenses/goggles work, and sincerely want to wear them.
I know you only from this post, but it doesn't sound like you even want to wear these lenses/goggles/whatever. If you did, I don't think you would be saying things like "Her looks are not up to par with mine" and "And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people."
What you're doing is measuring her, and pitting her against other people. You're not looking at her measured up against herself. These goggles you want, do not work in a matter of comparison - they don't make women or men magically rank higher than others. They only affect how you see this one person now. They do not make romantic interests look "worse than" or "better than" - they only let you see how transcendent "attractive" is, with a particular person. They might become the most attractive person in the world to you, but that's not really what the goggles do; it is a possible awesome side effect of said goggles, but this is not their chief utility. Their chief utility is to enable you with the skill to see people who they really are.
posted by raztaj at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
Have you ever met someone who was physically good looking at first, then you got to know them and realized that they were (selfish, crazy, cocky, other undesirable quality), and they very quickly became less physically attractive to you? I mean they look the same, but they suddenly look physically more "ugly."
And vice versa… you meet someone who is "ok" but then you get to know more about their personality, that they are (funny, kind, easy-going other desirable quality) and they very quickly become more physically attractive to you? Perhaps *the* most attractive person to you? They look the same, but they also suddenly look amazing.
I don't really know how this happens. I don't know how to explain it more clearly or how to wear those lenses. It just happens. The "hot" person can become "the what-the-hell-was-I-thinking" person, or the average person can become the most beautiful thing you've ever laid eyes upon. It's not that either of these people have undergone changes in their physical appearance. But they look different (and yet they look the same). But the lenses don't have much to do about other people, and I think in order to learn how to see through them, you have to learn how these lenses/goggles work, and sincerely want to wear them.
I know you only from this post, but it doesn't sound like you even want to wear these lenses/goggles/whatever. If you did, I don't think you would be saying things like "Her looks are not up to par with mine" and "And is not like she smells bad, she just for some reason does not have that girly smell that attracts me in other people."
What you're doing is measuring her, and pitting her against other people. You're not looking at her measured up against herself. These goggles you want, do not work in a matter of comparison - they don't make women or men magically rank higher than others. They only affect how you see this one person now. They do not make romantic interests look "worse than" or "better than" - they only let you see how transcendent "attractive" is, with a particular person. They might become the most attractive person in the world to you, but that's not really what the goggles do; it is a possible awesome side effect of said goggles, but this is not their chief utility. Their chief utility is to enable you with the skill to see people who they really are.
posted by raztaj at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2010 [12 favorites]
I also find it incongruous that you're attracted to her but do not like the way she smells.
To actually answer your question, though:
1) I have been the one that wasn't good looking enough for someone. That someone did, in fact, get over their shallowness. So, it's not impossible. It was a really, really hard time for me, though, and that's why there are posters here who are telling you to do the honorable thing and let her go. That's up to the two of you, but I will warn you that it is a painful road. What I think worked for him was basically focusing on the aspects he liked, and eventually those aspects became his whole concept of who I was. Which, I guess, made me wholly attractive to him.
2) I used to be someone who was pretty shallow, too, due to my own insecurities. This changed when I fell for someone who wasn't conventionally good looking, and I got more than a few "what are you doing with him" questions. Some people weren't even as polite or caring as your friends about it--there was no "I'm glad you're happy" component to it. But--he smelled great, he was someone I could tell anything to, someone I trusted completely, someone who was a perfect creative partner and someone I had perfect chemistry with (sound familiar?). By the time we were seriously dating, I didn't think anybody could hold a candle to him. This was the "looks aren't everything" lesson told as a positive--not as a negative, cynical "even beautiful people aren't always awesome", but "who a person is makes them beautiful". We broke up eventually for reasons unrelated to attraction, but it really changed the way I thought about myself and other people. It made me less shallow and enriched my life.
3) Actual advice: Regardless of whether or not you choose to break up with her, do not even hint at the idea that you think she's not good looking enough. This will only hurt her, and will not help either of you. If you choose to try to make it work, you need to stop focusing on the aspects you dislike and think about what you do like. Every time those nagging thoughts come up, fight them off with the reasons that she's great, the reasons you DO find her attractive, the reasons that make you excited that you're with her. Try this for a couple of months. It will help if you two have really stopped fighting, because it's hard to focus on those things if you are feeling terrible about the relationship in general. If you're not convinced that she's the best, after a couple of months, then you should just let the relationship go.
So yes, from personal experience, you can definitely get over this issue, and you will be happier for it.
Based on the last part of your question, it sounds like you really, really want this to work. I think that is key. Good luck.
posted by millions of peaches at 1:10 PM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
To actually answer your question, though:
1) I have been the one that wasn't good looking enough for someone. That someone did, in fact, get over their shallowness. So, it's not impossible. It was a really, really hard time for me, though, and that's why there are posters here who are telling you to do the honorable thing and let her go. That's up to the two of you, but I will warn you that it is a painful road. What I think worked for him was basically focusing on the aspects he liked, and eventually those aspects became his whole concept of who I was. Which, I guess, made me wholly attractive to him.
2) I used to be someone who was pretty shallow, too, due to my own insecurities. This changed when I fell for someone who wasn't conventionally good looking, and I got more than a few "what are you doing with him" questions. Some people weren't even as polite or caring as your friends about it--there was no "I'm glad you're happy" component to it. But--he smelled great, he was someone I could tell anything to, someone I trusted completely, someone who was a perfect creative partner and someone I had perfect chemistry with (sound familiar?). By the time we were seriously dating, I didn't think anybody could hold a candle to him. This was the "looks aren't everything" lesson told as a positive--not as a negative, cynical "even beautiful people aren't always awesome", but "who a person is makes them beautiful". We broke up eventually for reasons unrelated to attraction, but it really changed the way I thought about myself and other people. It made me less shallow and enriched my life.
3) Actual advice: Regardless of whether or not you choose to break up with her, do not even hint at the idea that you think she's not good looking enough. This will only hurt her, and will not help either of you. If you choose to try to make it work, you need to stop focusing on the aspects you dislike and think about what you do like. Every time those nagging thoughts come up, fight them off with the reasons that she's great, the reasons you DO find her attractive, the reasons that make you excited that you're with her. Try this for a couple of months. It will help if you two have really stopped fighting, because it's hard to focus on those things if you are feeling terrible about the relationship in general. If you're not convinced that she's the best, after a couple of months, then you should just let the relationship go.
So yes, from personal experience, you can definitely get over this issue, and you will be happier for it.
Based on the last part of your question, it sounds like you really, really want this to work. I think that is key. Good luck.
posted by millions of peaches at 1:10 PM on April 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
One of my daughters has a boyfriend. On said boyfriend's facebook page is this quote, not sure where he got it:
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she's beautiful because you love her."
That's really all I want to say. Carry on.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:14 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she's beautiful because you love her."
That's really all I want to say. Carry on.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:14 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
In addition to letting her go, because this is really not fair to her, you might want to consider never getting into a serious long-term relationship ever.
Here's some advice OP - You can fix this. Don't listen to people that give horrible mean advice like above.
posted by Big_B at 1:14 PM on April 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Here's some advice OP - You can fix this. Don't listen to people that give horrible mean advice like above.
posted by Big_B at 1:14 PM on April 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
People usually see themselves as better looking in the face than they actually are. So, for all you know, you are equally matched in the looks department. You may not be as hot as you think you are. It's not as hard to get work as a male model as it is to as a female model, so don't act like you can only date other models.
posted by ishotjr at 1:16 PM on April 2, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 1:16 PM on April 2, 2010
Hoo boy. People seem to relish questions like this where they get to be really self-righteous and admonish anonymous folks for being shallow. Remember, everyone gets old and fat and hideous eventually, and then they die, so it's wrong to want someone good-looking! Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you probably like to strangle puppies.
Or not. There are some more-or-less objective measures of beauty, and most people tend to be happiest in relationships with someone with a similar level of beauty to themselves. And it's not shallow to care about how someone looks -- it's only shallow if that's all you care about. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who turns you on with their appearance as well as their personality. You don't have to "see past" physical apperances in order to be a good person, and you should ignore anyone who tries to shame you into thinking otherwise.
Anyhow, it's normal to think about other women and such. But if you really think this girl is just average-looking, moving on is the best thing for both of you. I'm sure she has great qualities, but you can find someone with those great qualities who also excites you physically.
posted by ludwig_van at 1:24 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Or not. There are some more-or-less objective measures of beauty, and most people tend to be happiest in relationships with someone with a similar level of beauty to themselves. And it's not shallow to care about how someone looks -- it's only shallow if that's all you care about. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who turns you on with their appearance as well as their personality. You don't have to "see past" physical apperances in order to be a good person, and you should ignore anyone who tries to shame you into thinking otherwise.
Anyhow, it's normal to think about other women and such. But if you really think this girl is just average-looking, moving on is the best thing for both of you. I'm sure she has great qualities, but you can find someone with those great qualities who also excites you physically.
posted by ludwig_van at 1:24 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wonder how you can have such amazing sexual chemistry and intimacy together and still not find her the hottest thing on the planet? Are you maybe overthinking this and letting your anxiety about finding other women attractive overwhelm your obvious connection with this woman? You will always find other women attractive from time to time in different ways than your current partner is attractive, and that's okay. You just gotta enjoy that fleeting feeling and let it go, and get on home to your amazing woman.
You have to decide what's important to you in a relationship. From what you've written, it really sounds like attractiveness is not the most important. You say yourself that relationships with more attractive, less compatible women have not been satisfying.
Also consider the possibility that your concern over her physical appearance is a distraction from some other thoughts about your relationship or yourself that you are not ready to deal with. Brains can be sneaky like that. I hope it all works out for you both.
posted by Fui Non Sum at 2:04 PM on April 2, 2010
You have to decide what's important to you in a relationship. From what you've written, it really sounds like attractiveness is not the most important. You say yourself that relationships with more attractive, less compatible women have not been satisfying.
Also consider the possibility that your concern over her physical appearance is a distraction from some other thoughts about your relationship or yourself that you are not ready to deal with. Brains can be sneaky like that. I hope it all works out for you both.
posted by Fui Non Sum at 2:04 PM on April 2, 2010
My husband once told someone that if they want to have a relationship it had to be based on liking the person and not just on physical attraction. As he said, "You're going to have to talk to her a fucking whole lot, so you should really like her."
posted by fifilaru at 2:15 PM on April 2, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 2:15 PM on April 2, 2010
Here's some advice OP - You can fix this. Don't listen to people that give horrible mean advice like above.
OK. I wasn't trying to be mean. What I meant by suggesting that the OP really think twice about getting into a serious, long-term commitment, was this: if his partner's looks are that much of a status thing for him, a way of gauging his own worth, then maybe a lifetime of shorter-term relationships or flings would be kinder to all involved. Because someone whose standard of beauty is on the fashion model level...well, that's hard to come by and even harder to maintain. Almost no one can live up to it for their whole life. No one should have to convince himself to commit to someone he's not really really into, and no one should have to be a place-holder until someone hotter comes along. Yes, I think people can change. But realistically, usually they don't.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:16 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK. I wasn't trying to be mean. What I meant by suggesting that the OP really think twice about getting into a serious, long-term commitment, was this: if his partner's looks are that much of a status thing for him, a way of gauging his own worth, then maybe a lifetime of shorter-term relationships or flings would be kinder to all involved. Because someone whose standard of beauty is on the fashion model level...well, that's hard to come by and even harder to maintain. Almost no one can live up to it for their whole life. No one should have to convince himself to commit to someone he's not really really into, and no one should have to be a place-holder until someone hotter comes along. Yes, I think people can change. But realistically, usually they don't.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:16 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
First off, I think all this "the women I date is the most beautiful to me" stuff should stay on Hallmark cards and email forwards where it belongs. On my planet, a person can love his wife or girlfriend, but if a supermodel walks in the room he doesn't think his wife is more beautiful physically. That's just irrational and I don't know what it proves.
Of course, you can "do better." There's always someone else, if you look around long enough (although I do find "rating" her compared to your own looks a bit odd- if you're more worried about what other people think when they look at you, rather than what you yourself think, that's a problem.) But physical attraction is important, and it doesn't make you shallow to admit it. if you're not attracted to her, don't go out with her anymore, or just be friends.
And I agree that if you were really ultra-compatible, you wouldn't even be thinking about these issues. So maybe you're just beating yourself up for not being as in love with her as you feel you "should" be?
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:37 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Of course, you can "do better." There's always someone else, if you look around long enough (although I do find "rating" her compared to your own looks a bit odd- if you're more worried about what other people think when they look at you, rather than what you yourself think, that's a problem.) But physical attraction is important, and it doesn't make you shallow to admit it. if you're not attracted to her, don't go out with her anymore, or just be friends.
And I agree that if you were really ultra-compatible, you wouldn't even be thinking about these issues. So maybe you're just beating yourself up for not being as in love with her as you feel you "should" be?
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:37 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
is it possible to get over this?
Depends what kind of guy you are. If you believe people can change over time, then you want to ask yourself what kind of guy you want to be.
You might want to listen to this wonderful episode of This American Life, specifically the short story written and told by Russell Banks, called "Sarah Cole: A Type of Love Story" (starts in the latter part of the episode, though the whole show is quite good).
I thought of this story when reading your question. There are no pat answers here, but the story may give you some things to reflect upon.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:40 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Depends what kind of guy you are. If you believe people can change over time, then you want to ask yourself what kind of guy you want to be.
You might want to listen to this wonderful episode of This American Life, specifically the short story written and told by Russell Banks, called "Sarah Cole: A Type of Love Story" (starts in the latter part of the episode, though the whole show is quite good).
I thought of this story when reading your question. There are no pat answers here, but the story may give you some things to reflect upon.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:40 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're shallow, but I think that's only part of it. Personal preferences are so subjective that the rest of the world could think the next beautiful woman that you date is much uglier than the current. I have seen men say how beautiful their wife is and she turns out to have a face like a horse with pock marks, and people say their friend looks kinda blah and they are movie-star good-looking. Apparently people often evaluate looks in odd ways, so could be rating people on one or a combination of attributes like just eyebrows and/or ears. So don't beat yourself up too much - that next beautiful woman you find might only really be beautiful to you (or have the really great eyebrows you need!), but you won't care.
posted by meepmeow at 2:49 PM on April 2, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 2:49 PM on April 2, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by headspace at 10:28 AM on April 2, 2010