Biting, spanking, and loving it more
March 7, 2010 7:43 PM Subscribe
Sources of info and advice on being the submissive of a BDSM relationship? (NSFW)
I've just entered into a relationship where things in bed are leaning more towards BDSM than I've previously experienced... and apparently still quite tame compared to what he's had in the past. He's the dominant, and he's been very conscientious of making sure in advance what I'm ok and not ok with. I've always enjoyed rougher sex and being the more submissive one, and I'll switch on occasion. With him it's a bit rough for me at the moment, as it's been a little while since I've been into that. I suppose I just have to speak up a tad more when it's leaning towards not ok (yet).
I'd like to learn a bit more about this sort of thing, particularly on things relating to being a submissive, so I can better understand how to ensure I'm enjoying myself while things escalate, and what they might escalate to. I don't know where to go for info though, or of anyone else's experiences in getting into this sort of thing.
What I've been into in the past, and how he's brought up the intensity:
Biting I've had with several partners; lighter and shallow on the lips/ ears/neck/breasts/general skin, harder and deeper on the shoulders. This one likes to bite on my breasts, deep and hard to leave bruises and mark me. It's a little more pain than what I find enjoyable at this time, but I've begun telling him what else I like done to my breasts so that the escalation in pain is combined with enough pleasure.
The last boyfriend I had enjoyed immobilizing and controlling me; pinning my arms, restraining me by the throat (but avoiding the windpipe), controlling me with a firm hand in my hair, spanking me on the breasts and buttocks until I cry out, bending and contorting me during sex to test my flexibility, and hard, rough sex. The new boy does all that and a few additional things, like he controls my face with fingers in my mouth, a firm hand around the back of my neck, he knows where to grip so that he's not hurting me but it's quite firm. He's somewhat recently had circumcision surgery to correct phimosis, so we're not sure how sex will progress as he's quite sensitive still, but previously he was into very hard, rough sex.
As for what to expect in the future, I'm not entirely sure. I think that restraints may be introduced at some point since he's expressed an interest in those in passing as we went through a sex expo. He's been very open to discussion on many aspects of this already, and we'll continue the dialogue as we go.
Thanks in advance for the mefites who can give me tips, their own experiences, or point me to info. For everyone's anonymity, throwaway email: bitten.and.spanked@gmail.com
I've just entered into a relationship where things in bed are leaning more towards BDSM than I've previously experienced... and apparently still quite tame compared to what he's had in the past. He's the dominant, and he's been very conscientious of making sure in advance what I'm ok and not ok with. I've always enjoyed rougher sex and being the more submissive one, and I'll switch on occasion. With him it's a bit rough for me at the moment, as it's been a little while since I've been into that. I suppose I just have to speak up a tad more when it's leaning towards not ok (yet).
I'd like to learn a bit more about this sort of thing, particularly on things relating to being a submissive, so I can better understand how to ensure I'm enjoying myself while things escalate, and what they might escalate to. I don't know where to go for info though, or of anyone else's experiences in getting into this sort of thing.
What I've been into in the past, and how he's brought up the intensity:
Biting I've had with several partners; lighter and shallow on the lips/ ears/neck/breasts/general skin, harder and deeper on the shoulders. This one likes to bite on my breasts, deep and hard to leave bruises and mark me. It's a little more pain than what I find enjoyable at this time, but I've begun telling him what else I like done to my breasts so that the escalation in pain is combined with enough pleasure.
The last boyfriend I had enjoyed immobilizing and controlling me; pinning my arms, restraining me by the throat (but avoiding the windpipe), controlling me with a firm hand in my hair, spanking me on the breasts and buttocks until I cry out, bending and contorting me during sex to test my flexibility, and hard, rough sex. The new boy does all that and a few additional things, like he controls my face with fingers in my mouth, a firm hand around the back of my neck, he knows where to grip so that he's not hurting me but it's quite firm. He's somewhat recently had circumcision surgery to correct phimosis, so we're not sure how sex will progress as he's quite sensitive still, but previously he was into very hard, rough sex.
As for what to expect in the future, I'm not entirely sure. I think that restraints may be introduced at some point since he's expressed an interest in those in passing as we went through a sex expo. He's been very open to discussion on many aspects of this already, and we'll continue the dialogue as we go.
Thanks in advance for the mefites who can give me tips, their own experiences, or point me to info. For everyone's anonymity, throwaway email: bitten.and.spanked@gmail.com
Are you sure you're comfortable with how fast things are moving? While reading your description I didn't really get the impression that you were enjoying yourself (If I'm wrong please ignore this advice).
Just because your boyfriend has had previous partners that were really into this does not mean that you have to be. You shouldn't have to force yourself to try and enjoy things that you don't want to do just because your boyfriend does.
posted by kylej at 9:03 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just because your boyfriend has had previous partners that were really into this does not mean that you have to be. You shouldn't have to force yourself to try and enjoy things that you don't want to do just because your boyfriend does.
posted by kylej at 9:03 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
This one likes to bite on my breasts, deep and hard to leave bruises and mark me. It's a little more pain than what I find enjoyable at this time, but I've begun telling him what else I like done to my breasts so that the escalation in pain is combined with enough pleasure.
If you're not enjoying it, tell him to stop what he's doing -- not just add other stuff that you like, but stop biting you so hard. You don't find deep, hard biting enjoyable, so don't let anyone do that to you. You seem to assume that you'll get to enjoy it, but maybe you never will, and in that case, never let anyone do that to you.
It sounds like the power dynamic in this relationship is less role-playing and more a real power disparity, where he's pressuring you into things you don't enjoy, and you're letting him because you've placed it all under the BDSM umbrella. For example, you speak so passively about how this is going to go: "I think that restraints may be introduced at some point since he's expressed an interest in those in passing as we went through a sex expo" -- as in, the boundaries of your sexual relationship are determined entirely by what he's interested in. That's not how it should be, in any kind of sexual relationship.
posted by palliser at 9:23 PM on March 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
If you're not enjoying it, tell him to stop what he's doing -- not just add other stuff that you like, but stop biting you so hard. You don't find deep, hard biting enjoyable, so don't let anyone do that to you. You seem to assume that you'll get to enjoy it, but maybe you never will, and in that case, never let anyone do that to you.
It sounds like the power dynamic in this relationship is less role-playing and more a real power disparity, where he's pressuring you into things you don't enjoy, and you're letting him because you've placed it all under the BDSM umbrella. For example, you speak so passively about how this is going to go: "I think that restraints may be introduced at some point since he's expressed an interest in those in passing as we went through a sex expo" -- as in, the boundaries of your sexual relationship are determined entirely by what he's interested in. That's not how it should be, in any kind of sexual relationship.
posted by palliser at 9:23 PM on March 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
This one likes to bite on my breasts, deep and hard to leave bruises and mark me. It's a little more pain than what I find enjoyable at this time, but I've begun telling him what else I like done to my breasts so that the escalation in pain is combined with enough pleasure.
There's a big difference between being dominant and being an insensitive, abusive douche. Being submissive doesn't mean you have to let anyone escalate into areas you're not comfortable with. Here's something you really ought to read:
Negotiation (BDSM)
posted by aquafortis at 11:23 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
There's a big difference between being dominant and being an insensitive, abusive douche. Being submissive doesn't mean you have to let anyone escalate into areas you're not comfortable with. Here's something you really ought to read:
Negotiation (BDSM)
posted by aquafortis at 11:23 PM on March 7, 2010 [6 favorites]
With him it's a bit rough for me at the moment, as it's been a little while since I've been into that. I suppose I just have to speak up a tad more when it's leaning towards not ok (yet).
You have to speak up more than a tad more; as it stands right now, it sounds like you've used the word "dominant" as a synonym for "in charge." While that's technically the case, a good BDSM relationship is one where the two are equals in terms of enjoyment of the act, how far things go and where the boundaries are.
You shouldn't feel that his desires for more, more, more are something you have to say yes to, even progressively. You are allowed to have real boundaries of things that don't necessarily make your uncomfortable but that just don't feel great for you too. If you don't like the way he bites your breasts, he should learn to adapt to your needs.
Your partner needs a wakeup call and you're the only one to provide it. Best of luck!
posted by Hiker at 3:43 AM on March 8, 2010
You have to speak up more than a tad more; as it stands right now, it sounds like you've used the word "dominant" as a synonym for "in charge." While that's technically the case, a good BDSM relationship is one where the two are equals in terms of enjoyment of the act, how far things go and where the boundaries are.
You shouldn't feel that his desires for more, more, more are something you have to say yes to, even progressively. You are allowed to have real boundaries of things that don't necessarily make your uncomfortable but that just don't feel great for you too. If you don't like the way he bites your breasts, he should learn to adapt to your needs.
Your partner needs a wakeup call and you're the only one to provide it. Best of luck!
posted by Hiker at 3:43 AM on March 8, 2010
I'm here to agree with what everyone else wrote. It doesn't sound like you are enjoying this very much.
I am making assumptions based on the tone of your post, and may be completely misjudging the situation, but it seems like we all read the same thing into your post so here goes..
Ask yourself if are you doing it these things for yourself. Are these things that you fantasize about and crave? Is this the way that you really truly want to have sex?
Because if they are not, I think that maybe your motivation may just be pleasing your partner, and while that has it's place in bdsm, it normally takes the form of you getting your needs taken care of as well (if not first). If you are participating in this type of thing mainly because your partner wants it, I think you need to re-assess both your actions and your choice of partner.
If it is in fact what you want, it is part of the deal that you let your partner know what is and isn't okay. Not only do you have the right to set boundaries and limits, it's your obligation to do so.
posted by newpotato at 4:56 AM on March 8, 2010
I am making assumptions based on the tone of your post, and may be completely misjudging the situation, but it seems like we all read the same thing into your post so here goes..
Ask yourself if are you doing it these things for yourself. Are these things that you fantasize about and crave? Is this the way that you really truly want to have sex?
Because if they are not, I think that maybe your motivation may just be pleasing your partner, and while that has it's place in bdsm, it normally takes the form of you getting your needs taken care of as well (if not first). If you are participating in this type of thing mainly because your partner wants it, I think you need to re-assess both your actions and your choice of partner.
If it is in fact what you want, it is part of the deal that you let your partner know what is and isn't okay. Not only do you have the right to set boundaries and limits, it's your obligation to do so.
posted by newpotato at 4:56 AM on March 8, 2010
I have not read it, but I have heard The Bottoming Book recommended by many a sub. According the reviews, it covers negotiations, which it seems that you need some help with.
posted by desjardins at 5:56 AM on March 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 5:56 AM on March 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've read The Bottoming Book, and didn't find it as useful as I had hoped, although it's not a bad book. It just didn't cover how to talk about BDSM (this is called negotiation) and what you're okay with in as much detail as I would have liked. A better book that goes into more detail on negotiation is SM 101. Another helpful resource is the BDSM Checklist. You really need to have a clear idea in your own mind of what you're okay with before you start BDSM activities, and you should absolutely make sure that your partner and you are on the same page. Be safe, and have fun!
posted by Dilemma at 8:40 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Dilemma at 8:40 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your question touches me, because I've been there. I'm in a wonderful relationship now -- getting married soon! -- and we sometimes get extraordinarily rough. He's introduced me to things that I never thought I would be interested in -- sometimes he urinates on me, I frequently lick his asshole. If anyone had told me a year ago that these would be common in our sex life, I would have been...horrified? Maybe? I'm not sure.
Before we started dating, we were very good friends and coworkers. We were both insanely attracted to each other -- he was, in fact, in love with me, but we were both trying to maintain some level of propriety. Till we got beers, and got drunk one night, and he blurted out that he had "stong and inappropriate feelings" toward me, and all but begged me to tell him something about me that would discourage him. For whatever reason, I was compelled to be extraordinarily honest, and told him that "I like to be humiliated during sex." It is interesting to note that at this point in time, I had never been with anyone who had done that to me! It was a need I had that I didn't even really realize wasn't being met! His response? "I have an erection right now."
But! The first few times that we had sex, it was rough. Too rough. Less rough than is common for us now (sometimes!) but too rough for me at the time. Luckily, he is perceptive enough that he picked up on it, and asked me about it. I told him that I wanted the dirty stuff, but that I needed a base line first. What I was thinking was basically "Is it going to be like this forever?" Even if I do need to be dominated during sex, I ALSO need to be loved, adored, worshipped, valued, cuddled, kissed, backrubbed, reassured. In fact, I actually said, "Is it always going to be like this?" And he was immediately loving and reassuring, and open to and excited about having loving, tender sex to establish that baseline of trust & intimacy. He also has told me since then that he was worried about disappointing me by not being rough enough the first few times! Fun fan fact: turns out, that our dominant partners are making themselves just as vulnerable as we are. Sometimes, he needs reassurance after the fact that I have enjoyed myself, and that I respect him and that he's a good person.
Because what you're doing? In my experience, it's not just play. It's very much about communicating, carnally, deep and true things about who you are and what you need. These are scary things to give to another person, and you should have a loving, trusting, SAFE relationship established in order to be that open with another person about such vulnerable corners of yourself.
Have fun, be safe, enjoy yourself, and make sure you're communicating your needs -- because if this guy is worth keeping, he'll want to meet them. And if it works out, it's going to fucking rock.
posted by socket wench at 9:05 PM on March 10, 2010 [7 favorites]
Before we started dating, we were very good friends and coworkers. We were both insanely attracted to each other -- he was, in fact, in love with me, but we were both trying to maintain some level of propriety. Till we got beers, and got drunk one night, and he blurted out that he had "stong and inappropriate feelings" toward me, and all but begged me to tell him something about me that would discourage him. For whatever reason, I was compelled to be extraordinarily honest, and told him that "I like to be humiliated during sex." It is interesting to note that at this point in time, I had never been with anyone who had done that to me! It was a need I had that I didn't even really realize wasn't being met! His response? "I have an erection right now."
But! The first few times that we had sex, it was rough. Too rough. Less rough than is common for us now (sometimes!) but too rough for me at the time. Luckily, he is perceptive enough that he picked up on it, and asked me about it. I told him that I wanted the dirty stuff, but that I needed a base line first. What I was thinking was basically "Is it going to be like this forever?" Even if I do need to be dominated during sex, I ALSO need to be loved, adored, worshipped, valued, cuddled, kissed, backrubbed, reassured. In fact, I actually said, "Is it always going to be like this?" And he was immediately loving and reassuring, and open to and excited about having loving, tender sex to establish that baseline of trust & intimacy. He also has told me since then that he was worried about disappointing me by not being rough enough the first few times! Fun fan fact: turns out, that our dominant partners are making themselves just as vulnerable as we are. Sometimes, he needs reassurance after the fact that I have enjoyed myself, and that I respect him and that he's a good person.
Because what you're doing? In my experience, it's not just play. It's very much about communicating, carnally, deep and true things about who you are and what you need. These are scary things to give to another person, and you should have a loving, trusting, SAFE relationship established in order to be that open with another person about such vulnerable corners of yourself.
Have fun, be safe, enjoy yourself, and make sure you're communicating your needs -- because if this guy is worth keeping, he'll want to meet them. And if it works out, it's going to fucking rock.
posted by socket wench at 9:05 PM on March 10, 2010 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I do get the feeling in your question that things may be moving faster, or more forcefully, than you are comfortable with. Submissive or not, I think it's really important to set limits and communicate your needs and feelings clearly. Just because (he says that) his past partners allowed X Y & Z doesn't need to mean that you should feel pressured into allowing those same things.
posted by Forktine at 8:16 PM on March 7, 2010 [2 favorites]