We call it Master and servant, let's play Master and servant

March 6, 2010 5:59 PM

First time D filter: Tell me your stories and pointers about being a first time Dom.

So, I never thought in a million years I'd be in a D/s relationship, but here I am. It feels really right to me and it's an awesome learning experience. I feel closer to my s than I do partners I've had in vanilla relationships. Anyhow, this is my first time being the master. I know I have a lot to live up to and I've been doing lots of reading and exploring. Can anyone recommend books or resources about 24/7 and/or TPE? I also want to hear your stories about being a first time Dominant/Master.

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 answers total)

You should ask the mods to post an email address for you. You've asked a really personal question that some people won't want to answer publicly.
posted by decathecting at 6:33 PM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

You're on the kinky mefites group on fetlife, yeah? MeTa thread here http://metatalk.metafilter.com/18937/cracks-whip-embodies-sterotype and fetlife group here http://fetlife.com/groups/16598. If you go there you might get more a answers - and being in the group may be useful anyway.

Feel free to send me MeMail or email anytime too!

Good book to read is The Loving Dominant by John Warren. http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159204

confidence, patience, a sense of humour are key. Good luck!
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:43 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

And oh yeah all the full time stuff takes practice and patience, don't do it all the time starting out! You are in this for the long haul and no need to do it all at once. Introducing a little bit at a time is good practice. And don't compare what you are doing with other people and various knob-ends on the net, what works for you is what works.

I have years of experience with this stuff and it is still hard as fuck, it's a challenge, don't feel bad if things don't go perfect! Good luck, this is a noble and immensely rewarding journey that will teach you a lot about yourselves and each other.
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:47 PM on March 6, 2010

On the one hand, forums like the above-linked Fetlife are great sources of information and community.

On the other hand, they are equally, if not more so, sources of misinformation and have way, way too many SuperInternetPeople who type all fancy, complete with jargon... but are totally full of shit and probably still live in their mothers' basements.

So read and connect, but take what you read with a serious heaping of salt. Extract the pieces that have relevance to you, and learn from (or ignore) the rest of it. Some people enjoy all the trappings and formality, the paraphernalia and ritual; others prefer things simple and direct. For some it's all about "play" sessions; others not at all. The point being, the danger of too much reading and not enough practice is that you can lose sight of where your path really is.

Finally, remember that safety doesn't come from safewords, but from actual trust and care. Keep the consent real, not artificial, and you are good to go.

tl;dr: if you having fun, you are doing it right, no matter what anyone else says.
posted by Forktine at 7:07 PM on March 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

And yes, memail the mods, or someone who has posted here, with an anonymous email address -- bdsm is something that many people keep closeted, and won't be willing to post about publicly.
posted by Forktine at 7:15 PM on March 6, 2010

24/7 and TPE your first time out?
posted by Brian Puccio at 8:40 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

One, strongly consider getting involved in your local community (if you have one). You can learn a ton from other people who have been in lifestyle and know the ups and downs.

Two, I'd also recommend The Loving Dominant as a good place to start.

Third, good Lord, listen to Brian Puccio. M/s is not a game. It's not roleplay. And far more than other relationships, it has the potential to go really, really wrong. Don't jump into things. Take it slow, and be prepared to have a lot of patience.
posted by dephlogisticated at 10:01 PM on March 6, 2010

The novice's temptation is always "hey, this is fun in the small doses I'm currently experiencing! That means more of it would be even better," and that holds true for everything from beer to World of Warcraft to kinky sex.

Spurn temptation for the moment. Practice self-discipline and acquire more knowledge of your partner and your practice, then go for the temptation.

By then, you won't be a novice any more, and you'll be less likely to hurt yourself or your partner, emotionally or physically.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 11:47 PM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

First, don't get yourself all psyched up about what expectations you have to live up to. If there is a connection between your sub and yourself, you're pretty much home. Don't think that there is some magical ideal person that you have to become when you are topping.


You said something that stood out-"it feels really right to me". Stick with that. Do the things that feel really right to you (within the pre-discussed guidelines and limits, of course), and your sub will be happy. Play around, try new things. Play times can take on many different demeanors, from sometimes playful giggly,to casual chatty to dead serious, but in all of those situations, there is often a bit of fumbling that comes from trying new things, lots of trial and error happening. Even with very experienced doms this happens (though they always try to cover it up-this is where a blindfold will come in handy).

Don't feel like you have to jump into the deep end. It's not necessarily about the extremeness of the play, or the physical activities involved. It's often more about the intention behind the act, how it's meant to make the sub feel or the dom feel. There are many different ways to get the same end result, and you will figure them out as you go.

This is one of those times that it's more about the fun of the trip than arriving at a destination. Also, don't think that you have to be an all knowing superman to your sub. Ask questions and get feedback. Depending on the mood of the session, this can be done during or after.


This doesn't sound like a one off thing that you want with this person, and I can't think of anything better than growing and experiencing new things together as a d/s couple.

I would love to be much less vague about this, and to give you more concrete information. You can find some great and very helpful people over at the mefi grioup on fetlife
posted by newpotato at 5:37 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yes, join the fetlife group! And everything Forktine says about fetlife is true. One major example--the people who will give lots of advice and tell everyone about Perfect and Complete Obedience and Submission, accuse people of "topping from the bottom", claim to live 24/7 etc. Then you find out that they live on different continents. Nothing wrong with that, but there is no comparison between that and an in-person interaction.

Feel free to memail me or post an anon address. I love talking about this with other people and I have some practical tips I can share elsewhere. But here is some general advice--

Cuddles are good. Being nice and giving kisses and affection is good. Allow yourself to be happy, relaxed, pleased, nice. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be considerate. Be polite. Let them know when they please you. You don't have to always have your mean Grr Dom Scary face on, especially if you're trying to do 24/7. Of course a lot of this is stylistic and as you can tell, I'm a big softy.

One of the more difficult parts of this dynamic is encouraging communication. Your partner might be feeling or thinking things that are very hard to say. We bossy types can be intimidating. They feel pressure to preform. Let your partner know that it pleases you when they're honest and open, it will go a long way towards building mutual trust. If they safeword or stop a fun activity because it's too much, let them know it's okay with you. You don't want a situation where you're really harming someone and they don't let you know because they don't want to upset you.

Think twice before you decide to make punishment part of your dynamic. I'm not talking about "funishment" where it's more of a roleplay and everyone enjoys it. I'm talking about real, unpleasant punishment as a response to wrongdoing (real or perceived). Different people respond to it differently. Some people really like it, find it cathartic, it keeps them from feeling guilty or overthinking things, makes them feel contained and safe. Some people hate it and will respond by pulling away, withdrawing into themselves, getting angry. Some people don't really care. Know what you're dealing with.

One or both of you might freak out and get really upset about something. It happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Do what you have to do to recover, learn, talk to each other, go slower, next time do some things that are easy, calming, that you both enjoy.

24/7 might end up being extraordinarily exhausting for you. Depends how you do it, how much you want to control the little things, etc. Depends on the personalities involved. Again, something to memail me about.

Good luck, and have fun!
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:36 AM on March 7, 2010

I learned much more from talking to actual dominants (in person) than by reading books. I recommend meeting some at local munches or events. Google "[your city] + munch" (If you google BDSM you'll just get spammy ads.) 24/7 is primarily psychological and takes A LOT of effort on both parts. I can't imagine doing it on the first time out, and don't be surprised if your sub wants to redefine the boundaries, especially if he/she is new to this as well.
posted by desjardins at 6:01 AM on March 8, 2010