My partner wants me to dominate him. That's totally not my style, and his pickiness makes it harder, but I'm trying my best, and it's working! Up to a point. (NSFW text inside.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
I know a lot of this stuff is sensitive -- I completely understand, since I'm the shy, quiet type, and IRL I don't discuss my sex life at all with anyone I'm not having sex with -- so you can e-mail me at tryingtotop at gmail if you don't want to answer publicly.
I've known for quite awhile, and I made it clear to him from the very beginning, that I'm submissive in that I enjoy having my partner take charge. I also found out, with him, that I really enjoy being spanked and bitten and similar not-very-painful fun. He's okay with some of that stuff, but not with tying me up (something I want to try). When he's been in charge, he hasn't yet done anything more hardcore, really, than biting me and calling me names (which I don't like but he does).
Over the same months, he has been encouraging me to take charge of the situation. It's not that I don't initiate (I totally do -- I have a high sex drive and I'm clear about it), but it's very hard for me to forcefully take command -- which, of course, is what he's slowly revealing to me that he wants. It's really hard for me, mostly due to my nature, but also because even if we were both 100% vanilla, the sexual power would still be all on his side: he is older than me, he has tons more experience (he is my first partner), and he can physically overpower me.
Also, he is really picky about what he likes in that area. He also doesn't want to discuss kink -- he wants it to come up spontaneously in the middle of sex sessions, because (his explanation) what we might say no to normally could sound like a great idea when we're turned on. This means I have to walk a fine line between being creative and careful -- when I misstep by trying something he's not into, he gets grossed out and turned off, and shuts me down hard. As discouraging as that is, it's not something I can blame him for; I'd get turned off if he brought up a kink that grossed me out.
Anyway, I've found some things that seem to work, although the menu's pretty limited by his pickiness (list below). For example, we can make out while I undress him, then I can order him to sit apart and watch while I slowly strip and touch myself. (This alone represents a huge advance for me -- I do not like to order people around.)
Trouble is, when it comes time for him to get into the picture, everything goes haywire. The moment he touches me, I turn into a giant jelly -- moaning for him and totally at his mercy. I melt completely. Whatever toughness I have conjured up disappears. Obviously, that's no good for him -- he wants a girl who will sit on his face and ride him brutally without regard for anything but her own pleasure, but he's got a girl who, the instant she lowers herself onto his face, turns into a whimpering, begging mess. When I start going soft that way, it doesn't matter that we got to that point because I ordered him to lie down, hold still, and shut up.
So I guess my question is actually a couple of related questions. First, how can I overcome this? I'm sure it's related to my inexperience, but I've been doing this with him for a few months now and the way it affects me isn't lessening at all.
Second, what else can we/I do? "You sit over there and watch me" only goes so far. I mean if that's the setup for the third time in a row, he's got to be pretty bored with it by then.
Things I have established he is not okay with (aka really hard limits): pain, including mild discomfort like ice cubes; restraint, even light stuff with scarves; humiliation; anything nonsexual (e.g. making him do household chores); anything long-distance or outside of an encounter (e.g. telling him not to masturbate for a week); anything whatsoever going up his ass.
D/S-ish things I am sure he likes: me physically dominating him (being on top, sitting my full weight on him, physically forcing him to do things) -- tough because he is stronger than me; me ordering him around; (the idea of) me peeing on him -- I am not into it but okay with it, and trying, but it hasn't really worked yet (shy bladder I guess).
Other stuff I know he likes, in rough order: 69; eating pussy; being rimmed -- doesn't happen, I will play with his ass, but not with my mouth; blowjobs -- this totally makes me feel like the in-charge amazon he wants to see, but my mouth is occupied so I can't talk about it; playing with my butt (his fingers and tongue, nothing bigger yet) -- but this makes me feel super-submissive; dirty talk -- I am not good at it, although I am not embarrassed to try I seem to word things wrong.
Other technical stuff: We do not have PIV or anal sex, and we do not plan to (we are both 100% okay with this). We have not yet tried tittyfucking, intracrural sex, or other forms of outercourse -- I would totally try them (I love dry humping, so I feel like that bodes well), but I'm not sure how he feels about this stuff. Right now we deal with oral, oral, and more oral (and he also uses fingers and vibes on me). Sex is super-marathon -- when we see each other, it tends to be for 15-20 hours at a stretch, and in that time we take breaks pretty much only to eat, nap, and talk.
So how can all these preferences combine in some way that works for him and leaves me in charge?
Last question, I swear: I really want to call him names, but what? When he takes charge, sometimes he'll call me slut and whore (both of which I really dislike and consider very inaccurate, and they make me worry that's how he sees me) and bitch (which I dislike less, I guess since it doesn't specifically relate to promiscuity). I have been clear and told him how I feel; he doesn't get it, but says he'll try to stop, but when he's about to come it's not unusual for him to forget. I want to call him names partly so he realizes what it's like for me, but also because if he likes it, I want to try to understand why so maybe I can learn to like it too.
But due to years of cultural weighting, calling a guy a slut or whore is more likely to elicit laughter than shame. Can I still call him a bitch, or would that be weird? Is there anything else I can call him instead? "Slave" or "servant" or whatever would be way too hardcore for us (I definitely would not want him to address me by title as "mistress" or whatever). Also, he's not into humiliation, so I can't make fun of his (big, beautiful) dick or (highly developed) oral skills. Basically I want something to tack onto the ends of commands: "Get on your knees . . . bitch." Would calling a guy "bitch" work in that context? What else?
Thanks, MeFi -- again, you can privately e-mail tryingtotop @ gmail if you don't want to answer here!