Past abuse and trying pegging, BDSM with the new boyfriend
October 20, 2013 6:36 AM Subscribe
The new boyfriend would like me to be more switch-y (and peg him, too) and I'd like to be able to provide that to him but past abuse makes me very adverse to causing people pain even if I know they'd enjoy it and also puts me off being the penetrative partner. How do I enjoy being the dominant/penetrative partner? I love it when the BF dominates me and causes me pain (a not-insane amount and he's always very respectful of my boundaries and comfort) so how can I become more comfortable reciprocating pain to him and how can I become comfortable with being the penetrative partner?
Recently I started dating a new guy who is the same age (so no weird power differential) who is very open sexually (is bi, likes vanilla and BDSM-y sex, has been to sex parties, etc.). I'm no inexperienced lady, but I've simply had more sexual partners than he and haven't ventured into things such as swinging, sex parties, etc. I used to be into light BDSM but the new guy and I tried heavy restraints and more pain than I've had with a past lover who was also into BDSM: the endorphins turned me into a puddle by the end of the three-hour session and it was wonderful! So I like bondage and domination and he enjoys providing that.
Here's the issue: he's a switch (so he likes to be on the receiving end of pain as well as providing pain). He likes domination and he also said he'd like me to try pegging him, which is when a strap-on is used on someone anally as he'd done that with his only long-term girlfriend a few years ago and enjoyed it. (He's never dated men, but I don't think that's relevant, but maybe it's relevant to the pegging thing in some way.)
Growing up I was physically and verbally/emotionally (but not sexually) abused by immediate family members the thought of causing pain to someone - even though I know they will enjoy it! - makes me uncomfortable, so much so that I've only been able to engage in very light BDSM on him such as handcuffs, light slapping, biting and scratching.
Rationally I know and can see that he enjoys it, but some part of my brain restrains me. He and I have discussed this in detail and every time we engage in that type of sex I get a bit less apprehensive, but that process is going very slowly... Also, I'd like to try pegging him but really want to avoid causing him any discomfort with that as anal can be painful if rushed/done in correctly. Rationally I know if we were to engage in that he'd provide me with feedback - both orally and through his body language - so it's unlikely I'd hurt him. I'm also weirded out about how much power one has being the penetrative partner, so the pegging thing is difficult to feel comfortable with, though I'd like to be able to pleasure him in that way.
Recently I started dating a new guy who is the same age (so no weird power differential) who is very open sexually (is bi, likes vanilla and BDSM-y sex, has been to sex parties, etc.). I'm no inexperienced lady, but I've simply had more sexual partners than he and haven't ventured into things such as swinging, sex parties, etc. I used to be into light BDSM but the new guy and I tried heavy restraints and more pain than I've had with a past lover who was also into BDSM: the endorphins turned me into a puddle by the end of the three-hour session and it was wonderful! So I like bondage and domination and he enjoys providing that.
Here's the issue: he's a switch (so he likes to be on the receiving end of pain as well as providing pain). He likes domination and he also said he'd like me to try pegging him, which is when a strap-on is used on someone anally as he'd done that with his only long-term girlfriend a few years ago and enjoyed it. (He's never dated men, but I don't think that's relevant, but maybe it's relevant to the pegging thing in some way.)
Growing up I was physically and verbally/emotionally (but not sexually) abused by immediate family members the thought of causing pain to someone - even though I know they will enjoy it! - makes me uncomfortable, so much so that I've only been able to engage in very light BDSM on him such as handcuffs, light slapping, biting and scratching.
Rationally I know and can see that he enjoys it, but some part of my brain restrains me. He and I have discussed this in detail and every time we engage in that type of sex I get a bit less apprehensive, but that process is going very slowly... Also, I'd like to try pegging him but really want to avoid causing him any discomfort with that as anal can be painful if rushed/done in correctly. Rationally I know if we were to engage in that he'd provide me with feedback - both orally and through his body language - so it's unlikely I'd hurt him. I'm also weirded out about how much power one has being the penetrative partner, so the pegging thing is difficult to feel comfortable with, though I'd like to be able to pleasure him in that way.
Just from a guy's perspective as one who is on the bottom regularly...the discomfort is just that...discomfort. It isn't really "painful" unless it's way too quick and way too hard, and the more you do it, the easier it gets. So if he's willing to go ultra-slow (with small implements) and you feel comfortable with that, you both can avoid any pain associated with it.
posted by xingcat at 7:52 AM on October 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 7:52 AM on October 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Would it help to ease into anal penetration from a non-BDSM angle? You mentioned being anxious about doing the penetration, so I can seperating penetration from BDSM is the first thing to do. It will be helpful to really learn first with your fingers how he is shaped,what makes him moan and what is maybe a little uncomfortable, and to see him
enjoy it.
As for easing into domination, perhaps start with some non-pain types of play: body worship, orgasm control, bondage that doesn't involve pain. You seem to be on the right track... Activities in which you certainly have the power, but the feeling is light hearted.
Since you mentioned feeling a little more relaxed each time you try, I think this is worth pursuing. But if you hit a point when you feel panicky, just stop.
posted by supernaturelle at 8:56 AM on October 20, 2013
enjoy it.
As for easing into domination, perhaps start with some non-pain types of play: body worship, orgasm control, bondage that doesn't involve pain. You seem to be on the right track... Activities in which you certainly have the power, but the feeling is light hearted.
Since you mentioned feeling a little more relaxed each time you try, I think this is worth pursuing. But if you hit a point when you feel panicky, just stop.
posted by supernaturelle at 8:56 AM on October 20, 2013
Pegging is Hard Mode for anal play. That's true both physically (you have to be more careful about not hurting your partner) and emotionally (at least for a lot of people, fucking a hole feels much more dominant than playing with it in other ways). Start with something easier.
If you're open to the idea, you might try rimming him. It's totally impossible to injure an asshole with your tongue, and there's little or none of the cultural baggage that says "This is a Big Mean Dominant thing to do."
But even if you start with fingers and lube, try to separate "dominant" from "penetrative" in your head. Fingering someone's ass is not an inherently dominant activity. (There aren't any inherently dominant activities! Just activities that our culture tells us are supposed to be dominant.) You can finger an asshole in a way that's smooth and romantic, or gentle and cuddly, or giggly and playful, or whatever.
Actually, it might help to try to ignore the whole "penetration" angle altogether. Don't think of it as fucking him with your fingers. Think of it as giving him a slow, sensual handjob. It just so happens that this particular slow, sensual handjob is located in his butt.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 9:06 AM on October 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you're open to the idea, you might try rimming him. It's totally impossible to injure an asshole with your tongue, and there's little or none of the cultural baggage that says "This is a Big Mean Dominant thing to do."
But even if you start with fingers and lube, try to separate "dominant" from "penetrative" in your head. Fingering someone's ass is not an inherently dominant activity. (There aren't any inherently dominant activities! Just activities that our culture tells us are supposed to be dominant.) You can finger an asshole in a way that's smooth and romantic, or gentle and cuddly, or giggly and playful, or whatever.
Actually, it might help to try to ignore the whole "penetration" angle altogether. Don't think of it as fucking him with your fingers. Think of it as giving him a slow, sensual handjob. It just so happens that this particular slow, sensual handjob is located in his butt.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 9:06 AM on October 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is it the dominating or the hurting that you are having trouble with? It is entirely possible to dominate someone in a BDSM environment (for the want of a better phrase) without pain. It is possible to be tender and loving, and dominate the crap out of them (think of them as a prized pet more than a possession to get you into the right headspace). It might be a good place to start with building your confidence with being in charge. You can then always work up to pain and start small, finger nails down the back say or hair pulling, nipple clamps are fun and you don't' have to do anything active just apply them. Seeing how much they enjoy it will make it a little easier in time, and if it doesn't then you guys can keep experimenting to find what you do feel comfortable with.
Anal sex does not have to be a dominating either it can be done from a loving place just like Now there are two suggested. Maybe start with some light anal play, with your fingers on the outside, or stimulating his prostate from the outside, or a small butt plug, the right lube (and lots of it) and some patience.
If you are scared to do any inserting, you could very easily from a dominant sort of head space tell him to play with his own ass with some toys while you watched or if you'd rather not watch, go watch his face and stroke his cheek and tell him what a good boy he is while he does it to himself, when you see how much he enjoys it that will help a lot (or it did in my case). OK maybe that was a little graphic but there are a lot of steps between no ass play and you pegging him so hard it hurts him, start slow, and remember the dominant partner is allowed to use the safe word too, you can stop any time.
posted by wwax at 9:48 AM on October 20, 2013
Anal sex does not have to be a dominating either it can be done from a loving place just like Now there are two suggested. Maybe start with some light anal play, with your fingers on the outside, or stimulating his prostate from the outside, or a small butt plug, the right lube (and lots of it) and some patience.
If you are scared to do any inserting, you could very easily from a dominant sort of head space tell him to play with his own ass with some toys while you watched or if you'd rather not watch, go watch his face and stroke his cheek and tell him what a good boy he is while he does it to himself, when you see how much he enjoys it that will help a lot (or it did in my case). OK maybe that was a little graphic but there are a lot of steps between no ass play and you pegging him so hard it hurts him, start slow, and remember the dominant partner is allowed to use the safe word too, you can stop any time.
posted by wwax at 9:48 AM on October 20, 2013
1. Boy will need to do an enema.
2. Start out slow with one finger, then two fingers. Gloves and lube are your super best friends!
3. Make boy insert a small butt plug - you don't have to be around for this...he can just wear it around the house. Once he's used to the small have him move to medium.
4. Strap-on dildo - start small and make sure the harness is comfortable.
5. Silicone dildo will likely feel better.
6. If you use silicone lube use a condom because the lube will destroy the dildo.
7. Sanitize the dildo between use.
Most important thing: you are allowed to say NO to this activity. If he pressures you then DTMFA. (Doesn't sound like there's pressure but it's important info.)
THERE CANNOT BE TOO MUCH LUBE FOR THESE ACTIVITIES.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:49 PM on October 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
2. Start out slow with one finger, then two fingers. Gloves and lube are your super best friends!
3. Make boy insert a small butt plug - you don't have to be around for this...he can just wear it around the house. Once he's used to the small have him move to medium.
4. Strap-on dildo - start small and make sure the harness is comfortable.
5. Silicone dildo will likely feel better.
6. If you use silicone lube use a condom because the lube will destroy the dildo.
7. Sanitize the dildo between use.
Most important thing: you are allowed to say NO to this activity. If he pressures you then DTMFA. (Doesn't sound like there's pressure but it's important info.)
THERE CANNOT BE TOO MUCH LUBE FOR THESE ACTIVITIES.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:49 PM on October 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm gonna offer this up fwiw. If it helps you, great.
I grew up pretty severely abused and terrorized. In my early 30's I ended up studying with a truly professional Dominatrix. While I wasn't necessarily into it all sex-wise, it's an extremely intellectual and stimulating hobby (heh) and that's why I got into it.
I was afraid it would trigger trauma from being abused. Boy, was I surprised when the opposite happened. I couldn't shut up about my revelations for days.
Domming Done Right means you have Respect and Affection for your sub.
Abuse is an act of hate and violence. Domming Done Right feels totally opposite.
Thus, my secret unspoken fear that I might one day become like my abuser was cured. I also felt extremely extremely validated in my feelings about, and processing of, being abused in the first place.
People who abuse small children and minor adults in their care clearly are Masters of Denial, because in no way can you perpetrate this crime and not know deep down inside it is anything other than criminal to abuse (which is way different than consensual Domination) those you have power over.
There's lots of great advice in this thread. Just thought I'd relate my experience with you as an abuse suvivor with BDSM.
Best.
PS - I am NOT recommending BDSM as a tool for therapeutically healing trauma for abuse. To the OP and any others reading this in the future, you expressly do not have my permission to try this "method" as a self-help technique.
By the time I came to BDSM, I had gone through years and years of therapy and self-work. Also, I read books and took lessons from a professional who was pretty nerdy about all the safety stuff you have to do, etc..
Above was my personal story and perspective. I truly do not recommend pursuing BDSM without professional guidance.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I grew up pretty severely abused and terrorized. In my early 30's I ended up studying with a truly professional Dominatrix. While I wasn't necessarily into it all sex-wise, it's an extremely intellectual and stimulating hobby (heh) and that's why I got into it.
I was afraid it would trigger trauma from being abused. Boy, was I surprised when the opposite happened. I couldn't shut up about my revelations for days.
Domming Done Right means you have Respect and Affection for your sub.
Abuse is an act of hate and violence. Domming Done Right feels totally opposite.
Thus, my secret unspoken fear that I might one day become like my abuser was cured. I also felt extremely extremely validated in my feelings about, and processing of, being abused in the first place.
People who abuse small children and minor adults in their care clearly are Masters of Denial, because in no way can you perpetrate this crime and not know deep down inside it is anything other than criminal to abuse (which is way different than consensual Domination) those you have power over.
There's lots of great advice in this thread. Just thought I'd relate my experience with you as an abuse suvivor with BDSM.
Best.
PS - I am NOT recommending BDSM as a tool for therapeutically healing trauma for abuse. To the OP and any others reading this in the future, you expressly do not have my permission to try this "method" as a self-help technique.
By the time I came to BDSM, I had gone through years and years of therapy and self-work. Also, I read books and took lessons from a professional who was pretty nerdy about all the safety stuff you have to do, etc..
Above was my personal story and perspective. I truly do not recommend pursuing BDSM without professional guidance.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
One thing that can definitely help you enjoy being the penetrating partner is a toy that lets you get some feedback, rather than a strap-on that you can't feel at all. The Share and the Feeldoe are both dildos with a 'female end' that fits inside you and stimulates the G-spot like crazy. The Share is one of the best toys I've ever ever had.
posted by tomboko at 11:34 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by tomboko at 11:34 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Assuming the use of a proper amount of lubrication and the right positioning, it shouldn't be "painful" if done at the right angle. In fact if the angle is right, it wouldn't necessarily even be uncomfortable. My suggestion would be to have him on his back with his legs up. So if he is into it and you want to do something for him, you needn't worry about inflicting pain if you are careful.
posted by Denverguy at 11:44 AM on November 9, 2013
posted by Denverguy at 11:44 AM on November 9, 2013
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I am usually one of the last people to suggest this, but... Therapy. You need to process your abuse in a non-sexual context, thoroughly, with a professional, who is aware that engaging in light Dom is your goal.
You do not want how you really feel about years of abuse coming to light while you are naked and holding a flog. Experiences like that can be worse than the initial trauma.
Outside/Additional of therapy, taking things amazingly slowly. Doing things as Dom that YOU want to do. Maybe even non-sexy-times things. Like a chore you are dreading. With ridiculously complicated and demanding instructions. That may sound super silly but it eases you into the power without all the vulnerable sexual baggage. I would keep everyone's clothes on until you start to feel powerful and secure in the role.
also, it's just not for some people. "D" can be even scarier and more vulnerable than 's' and should be something you enjoy, not endure. Because if you are just putting up with it for his sake... you are still the sub.
posted by French Fry at 6:51 AM on October 20, 2013 [9 favorites]