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Just leave me alone!
March 4, 2010 10:08 PM   Subscribe

How can I get my ex to stop harassing me?

Long, probably beanplatey. Apologies in advance for both length and the poor decision-making that led me here in the first place.

Last May, P and I broke up after months of mutual misery. We share lots of mutual friends and saw each other often. It was tense, things coming to a head when he pushed me down a small (3-4 steps) staircase after I threw a drink at him when he said he was giving what was my cat (in his care after I moved in with an allergic roommate) to the humane society. He didn't give away the cat and we did not speak for a long time after that. He apparently told our mutual friends that I fell intentionally(!) and was lying about being pushed. Calls me a crazy bitch, that sort of thing.

Somehow we become tensely friendly again. However, whenever we saw each other things seemed okay to me but he would often email or gchat me the next day complaining that I was awfully rude to him and that everyone noticed. I would apologize, even though I feel I did nothing wrong. I have poor social habits and especially do not like seeing him, but still at that point wanted to be around our mutual friends so I tolerated seeing him. Plus, if I block him on gchat or ignore his emails/calls/whatever, he would badger others into asking me to unblock him, which is embarrassing to me and he knows it. This happened about once a month.

Now, last week, my roommate (who is close with P throughout all of this) throws a small party. I was getting ready to go on a weekend trip with my new boyfriend and his friends and I was nervous about it and not very talkative at this party, but I thought I was friendly enough to everyone. No, apparently not. On Monday he told me that I was unspeakably rude and everyone noticed. I am getting better at this and kind of shrugged it off, offering to explain and apologize to anyone who I've offended, then blocked him on gchat. A few hours later I received an email telling me that if I don't "behave in a manner that is anything less than friendly and polite in the utmost", he will humiliate me so badly I will move out of state, and also not to talk to anyone that was at the party, because they know how crazy I am (I don't think I'm any crazier than your average 24 yr old girl).

I don't respond to these, just cry a lot and freak out about being humiliated. I have no idea what he'd have in mind, but I really don't like being the center of attention, especially negative attention. I panic easily.

But wait, there's more! Some friends of both of ours (what I have left, he has convinced many people that I am psycho. He's charming and outgoing, I tend to avoid people I don't already know. I don't blame them for being convinced) are visiting in a few weeks and I had made plans to see them. He emails again, telling me that they are his friends and not mine and that I have no grace or dignity in contacting them at all, let alone wanting to see them. He reiterates that everyone that we both know hates me and doesn't want to see me at all. Telling me that no one actually liked me and that they only tolerated me because they wanted to see him happened often when we were dating. He was (is?) very good at reducing my opinion of myself and it's only recently that I've been able to feel confident in myself again.

What do I do with all of this? How do I get him to just leave me alone? If something akin to this has happened to you or someone you know, how did they handle it? I've given up on that entire group of friends (except for the fact that I live with some of them and can't move out until September). I've told him not to contact me, he calls me a coward and keeps doing it and/or badgering other people about it. I have no idea how or when he will humiliate me, but I am sure he will follow through with that threat. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never see that cat again.

I have contemplated a restraining order. I have photographs of the cuts and bruises from the stair incident, but no eyewitnesses (we were outside, everyone else was inside). It's his word against mine. I can't afford a lawyer, and I am scared of how he would retaliate anyway.

If you need more information, I am available at trainmap[at]gmail. Thank you.

(on preview: there are a lot of verb tenses going on here. I think I fixed them all, but I may have missed some, I'm sorry if it's hard to read.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Your ex is a sociopath trying desperately to control you. To the extent that you pay any attention at all to him--apologizing for your behaviour, accommodating his demands for access to you, accepting his story about how you were acting when you know you weren't--you're allowing him to control you.

Cut him off. Block his chat, ignore his threats, and when he tries to indirectly manipulate you through friends approaching you for him, change the subject. Over time, your mutual friends will sort themselves out into those who are your real friends, and those who can't see through his bullshit. The latter are no loss.

I went through a period at your age with an ex and several of her friends trying to make me a pariah in our circle of mutual friends, with extravagant threats to destroy me socially, to humiliate me, to make me sorry I didn't kowtow to them. Lucky for me I was in the right place in my head to ignore them. A year later, the mutual friends were still mine, and they looked like assholes. Five years later, none of it mattered.
posted by fatbird at 10:28 PM on March 4, 2010 [17 favorites]


Yeah, just follow fatbird's advice. But one more thing:

Plus, if I block him on gchat or ignore his emails/calls/whatever, he would badger others into asking me to unblock him, which is embarrassing to me and he knows it.

No, it's the other way around. This behaviour is embarrassing to HIM. Let it happen, ignore it, the people in your social circle who are worth being friends with will stay with you. The rest? Fuck 'em.
posted by dnesan at 10:39 PM on March 4, 2010 [11 favorites]


People who play messenger boy for your abusive ex's attempts to manipulate you, and who do not immediately and vocally discourage him from using them as the messenger service, are not your friends and should probably not be regarded as such.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:43 PM on March 4, 2010 [18 favorites]


If something akin to this has happened to you or someone you know, how did they handle it?

I took out a restraining order. The person in my life was also threatening my professional life, but the badgering others known to me, sending abusive/psychotic letters, the grossly invading privacy etc that your describe was very similar to me. It's not easy to get a restraining order though, and you have to show reasonable effort at avoiding contact with the potential restrain-ee. Look into it. Photos of bruises might help, but copies of texts/emails etc will show an ongoing pattern that courts can use.

It is a sign of his desperation and fixation that his drama is being fed by whatever you do: ignoring him, 'reasoning' with him, being amicable etc.
posted by honey-barbara at 10:45 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think fatbird's advice is good too. If that turns out not to be enough to get him to leave you alone, a restraining order would not be out of line in this case. Have you checked into legal aid (low cost) services in your area? Print out those emails!

When you move, get a mutual friend to get the cat from him, maybe?
posted by so_gracefully at 10:48 PM on March 4, 2010


You can't control anyone's actions but your own. Block his emails, don't take his phone calls, and if he's passing messages through mutual friends, tell them you have no interest in speaking with him, as should be clear to them if he has told them that he's been blocked from contacting you, and to please stop playing the middle man for him.

If your roommate is inviting him over for social occasions, find somewhere else to be, such as with your new boyfriend.

Your ex is nuts, and you deserve better than having to worry over him. Block, avoid, ignore. He'll find someone else to fixate on eventually, and if he doesn't, hopefully you'll get that restraining order and get him arrested.
posted by chiababe at 10:55 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


I have photographs of the cuts and bruises from the stair incident

To be fair, you did "throw a drink at him." I have no idea if this means you tipped a bit of your cocktail on his shirtsleeve or hoisted a beer stein at his head, but really: you don't sound all that objective. You make P out to be a real shit, and that might well be the case, but you really need to work on yourself and how you react to these sorts of people. They are legion. Get some counseling. Refuse to participate in Drama.
posted by logicpunk at 10:56 PM on March 4, 2010 [3 favorites]


My ex did something similar where he told all our mutual friends that I was nuts, that he didn't break up with me for a long time because I had threatened to kill myself, that I "hacked" his online journal (how, I don't know), etc -- and that's just the stuff that got back to me. Who knows what else he said. Of course, none of this was true, but some people believed him because he acts like the perfect picture of a "nice guy."

Thankfully, he never tried to say anything to my face or online; he preferred to keep everything behind my back. And he never did anything so bad as shove me, however bad the lies he told about me were.

Regardless, this is how you get the drama to go away: cut off all contact with him. Some of your friends will believe his bullshit or gossip about you behind your back. Cut off all contact with them. That part will suck the most. It's heartwrenching enough to lose friends as it is, and on top of that, it will feel unfair. It is unfair. It is, however, necessary. I was only able to remain friends with a few people that were friends with my ex and thought his constant ranting about me -- this lasted over a year, apparently -- was insane. Most of the other friends I had to cut off completely and it hurt that they believed those things about me, but I came to realize two things: 1) I couldn't defend myself without sounding really angry and reaffirming in their minds that I was crazy, so the only thing I could do was get on with life and my new boyfriend while my ex kept spinning his lies and rehashing old gossip and hope the contrast spoke for itself, and 2) the friends that believed my ex were really shitty friends, and some were also really shitty people -- that I had better friends to compare them to made me wonder why I had ever hung out with those people anyway.

It still really, really hurt for a while. And it sucked feeling like I was ceding most of my friends to my ex and that I couldn't go to any big gatherings with them anymore. However, it beat the shit out of sitting around worrying what those people thought of me. And the most valuable thing I learned from it is to not keep toxic people around me; in a way, it forced me to do a much-needed evaluation of who I was friends with and why. As it turned out, I was friends with a lot of people out of habit and boredom, and I was putting a lot more into the relationships than I was getting back; I was loyal and good and would never say a bad word about a handful of people that were not returning the favor. So it taught me to respect myself. It's also helped me appreciate my remaining and new friends more. My life is, and has been, essentially drama-free for years now and I've never regretted it. It's also been one of those things that were so difficult to endure at the time that everything that's come after has seemed like nothing in comparison, and I've had some fucked up stuff happen since then.

In short, it was one of the worst things I've had to go through, but one of the best things that ever happened to me.

So move on. Stay classy. Cut communication with your ex, and others as needed. Your ex sounds like he's acting even crazier than mine was, so you don't owe anyone an explanation. Anyone who believes your ex isn't worth your friendship right now. If it's any consolation, years later I even had a couple people come and apologize to me for believing him.

Of course, take the appropriate actions if your ex's behavior gets really out of hand -- like stalker-ish -- but more likely he's just gonna keep throwing a hissy fit and dig his hole deeper until he runs out of steam and/or friends.
posted by Nattie at 10:56 PM on March 4, 2010 [21 favorites]


Cut him off like people have said and tell your roommate that he cannot be invited over when you are there anymore. Don't explain or negotiate beyond a simple statement that you are not comfortable around him, it is your house too and you have as much right to say who comes over as they do. If they cause a fuss move out and don't be suckered into paying a lease or extra rent or anything- if your roommate wants you to continue to split expenses then that's the deal, end of story. Same thing with the friends who are carrying messages for him: tell them that topic of conversation is off the table, if they don't listen get up and leave or ask them to leave. Be prepared to cut a couple of people off entirely to make your point. They are being stupid anyway and deserve some social fallout for their actions. Tell your trusted friends and new SO the deal and ask them to support you. Fierce friends are very helpful!

In other words: boundaries. Learn how to create and enforce them. You can actually do whatever you want in life pretty much, nothing bad will happen.
posted by fshgrl at 11:11 PM on March 4, 2010 [6 favorites]


This is what we call an abusive relationship. Emotionally abusive, which shows the potential to get physically abusive. Cut this motherfucker out of your life. Any mutual friends that you really really like and want to keep, it's your job to forge a relationship with them independent of the previous context of you and P together. The people who are being manipulated to do your ex's bidding can fuck off.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:17 PM on March 4, 2010


People who play messenger boy for your abusive ex's attempts to manipulate you, and who do not immediately and vocally discourage him from using them as the messenger service, are not your friends and should probably not be regarded as such.

Yeah, this. You have a new boyfriend, I'd be spending more time with his friends and the friends of yours who aren't behaving like jerks.

A few hours later I received an email telling me that if I don't "behave in a manner that is anything less than friendly and polite in the utmost", he will humiliate me so badly I will move out of state, and also not to talk to anyone that was at the party, because they know how crazy I am.

Someone's crazy here, and it ain't you. I personally wouldn't be shy about sharing that email around anyone who wanted to know why you're cutting the guy off, to be honest, along with pictures of the injury.
posted by rodgerd at 11:27 PM on March 4, 2010 [5 favorites]


He was (is?) very good at reducing my opinion of myself and it's only recently that I've been able to feel confident in myself again.

Everyone else has given you good advice, so I would just like to say if you were such a rude psycho bitch who was so hard to like, why would he be so obsessed with keeping in contact with you and wanting your attention all the time? Plenty of likable people out there in the world, why wouldn't he IM *them* on gchat?

---

I think this guy gets off on your humiliation and fear, and also on your servility when he can make you apologize to him when you've done nothing wrong. I think if you stop giving him those things that he's after, he'll eventually move on to another target. I really feel for you that he's managed to turn all your friends against you. But if your friends are so gullible that they're that easily swayed by him, I think it might be best not to resist and just let htem go.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:33 PM on March 4, 2010 [2 favorites]


A few hours later I received an email telling me that if I don't "behave in a manner that is anything less than friendly and polite in the utmost", he will humiliate me so badly I will move out of state, and also not to talk to anyone that was at the party, because they know how crazy I am (I don't think I'm any crazier than your average 24 yr old girl).

He emails again, telling me that they are his friends and not mine and that I have no grace or dignity in contacting them at all, let alone wanting to see them. He reiterates that everyone that we both know hates me and doesn't want to see me at all. Telling me that no one actually liked me and that they only tolerated me because they wanted to see him happened often when we were dating.

I've told him not to contact me, he calls me a coward and keeps doing it and/or badgering other people about it.

He says all this in writing?

Plus, if I block him on gchat or ignore his emails/calls/whatever, he would badger others into asking me to unblock him, which is embarrassing to me and he knows it.

You could block him and then, if he has mutual friends contact you, you could forward them the e-mails and ask for their help in escaping from this emotionally abusive relationship - ask them to help you by not trying to get you back together with your abuser.

Likewise, explain to your roommate and anyone else who invites you to a party, ask if P will be present and if so, say you can't attend. If they ask for more information, forward them P's e-mails and ask them to be understanding - tell them you don't want P's actions or your responses to them to spoil their party.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:28 AM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


I don't know if you've ever seen this before, but it might be helpful in getting your head around your relationship with your ex:

Abusive partner checklist.

I think when you're dealing with someone like your ex, it's really important to have real-life support. Do you have the kind of relationship with your parents that you could talk to them about this? Or aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends, or mentors that you could talk to? I think it's helpful to have people to talk to that you know are already absolutely on your side.

Also, I know it's much easier to say this than to do it, but don't believe anything your ex tells you about yourself, because he sounds like an utterly unreliable source. Trust your version of reality over the one he's trying to give you. (Not that I think you should stay in contact with him, but it may take a minute to get him to leave you alone, and in the meantime: don't believe a word he says about you. Trust your own instincts instead.)
posted by colfax at 1:41 AM on March 5, 2010


Your ex is a sociopath trying desperately to control you.

Or, in fairness, maybe he's just having problems coping himself.

My sister went through a similar experience as you describe and it was not until my brother and I made a late night visit to Mr. X and explained that 1) he was stalking, 2) stalking was not cool, 3) this must stop immediately, and 4) we were dead f-ing serious about defending our sister.

It was not what you call a "social visit" and it seemed to really make him aware of what he was doing. I don't think he really understood before our "talk" that he was way over the line. He wasn't a bad person, he was just out of control, and being confronted by his ex-in-laws (who otherwise had no problem with him) brought that reality home to him. He backed off and wised up.

A restraining order might bring similar clarity.

Also the fact that we did this had resonance with everyone who was enabling him. They didn't see his behaviour as seriously wrong - a little inappropriate maybe - until they saw how seriously we dealt with it. My mother - his biggest enabler - didn't speak to me for a long time afterwards, but she got the message too.

Again a restraining order might bring some clarity to everyone else.
posted by three blind mice at 2:02 AM on March 5, 2010 [6 favorites]


You've gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to add my voice as another woman who's gone through something similar — right down to the cat!! My ex actually did give away my kitty, though. (Through some very fortunate circumstances, kitty came back to me a few months later, however.) My ex did the whole bad-mouthing deal as well; with me, he invented the story that he had broken up with me because I had been cheating on him with a married man. Back on planet Earth, I'd actually broken up with him because he'd started hitting and threatening me, in addition to the usual insults, plus a wacked-out marriage proposal he'd made.

I extracted myself entirely from him, and told all friends that he was not a subject for discussion; what had happened between us was private and not up for debate. I have a blog; I have never spoken of him or the breakup on it, other than presenting facts, such as when I had to explain why I no longer had my cat, since my cat was a minor internet celebrity at the time... "Malo was given away as a Christmas present by my ex. Ex did not consult me. I discovered this when I went to his apartment at Christmas to take care of the cat while my ex was on vacation. Sorry, Malo won't be posting about his lizard-hunting outings or his best friend Black Cat any more." A month after that, I never heard from him (ex) or experienced any other drama again. (Well, apart from having to deal with the aftermath of him taking apartment, car, cat, furniture, cookware, et cetera, and leaving me with nothing but my own clothes. But emotionally, I was free.)

It's been six years since then, and you know what happened? I found out about his weird story because his own mother didn't believe him; she told me about it. We're still in touch, she's a neat lady. As for people who'd been our mutual friends, I lost contact with most of them, but those who did keep in touch with me have told me that the others no longer speak with my ex, either. So, y'know, there is a sort of karma in life; jerkbutts can seemingly go without consequences, but it's only "seemingly". I think a lot of people keep quiet with their opinion when they think someone is a jerkbutt, which is pretty natural. You may well be pleasantly surprised later on by people approaching you privately to let you know what they really think.

Chin up, ignore him, he's no longer part of your life no matter how hard he tries to be, he's free to show others what a jerkbutt he is. Enjoy your emotional freedom, things will get better.
posted by fraula at 2:13 AM on March 5, 2010 [10 favorites]


You are the person creating the drama. Why? Because if you don't react, there is no drama. It's really that simple. I'm sure other people will pick up on how this guy sounds like a creep, and that's important, but not the root of the problem. It sounds like you're craving the interaction and excitement that comes with this guy. Why did you unblock him after you blocked him?

Be the bigger person -- ignore him, ignore his friends, extract yourself from any situation that involves him. Life is filled with assholes, move on.

Sounds like he got the friends in the relationship, deal with it. Maybe you can find a new place and get the cat.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 5:24 AM on March 5, 2010


He really really wants you to react to all of his actions. He wanted that drink throw at him so he could add that to the stupid crazy bitch charade that he is creating. I his messed up mind that thrown drink was a reward not punishment. You really need to not respond or react to him. Don't chat, don't respond to emails, if you meet him face to face leave. If necessary tell him in a short calm statement that you do not want to talk to him or be with him and leave, don't let him make a scene. Like I said he wants a reaction, don't give it to him. Not reacting to him will drive him crazy and he will either leave you alone because you are not playing along or escalate his efforts. If he escalates its probably time for a restraining order and that should bring an end to it.

Yelling and/or apologizing will not make him go away. Apologizing for alleged offences works when people are actually trying to be your friend. He and possibly some of his enablers are not your friends so don't apologize to them for actions that probably never happened. You should tell mutual "friends" that the issue is not up for discussion or briefly explain that he is manipulative and untrustworthy.

Don't delete any of his emails or other statements. They will probably be more helpful than the photos if you need a restraining order. A record of a pattern of treating behavior is good evidence. It's not your fault that he is psycho and he cannot be reasoned with. Use this experience to avoid abusive relationships in the future.
posted by Procloeon at 5:59 AM on March 5, 2010


While we were breaking up, my ex told everyone we knew that I was crazy and off my medication. This was, in fact, true - I could not afford to refill my antidepressants because he refused to get a job and all of my income went to keeping our rent paid.

You ask how to get him to leave you alone. Right now, he's getting something out of forcing you to interact with him, some twisted enjoyment from threatening you with humiliation. He's not going to leave you alone as long as there's something in it for him. This is why the only thing that will work is to NOT RESPOND to anything he says or does.

With my ex, anytime someone asked about him, I said "yeah, we're both having a hard time with the breakup" and changed the subject to something innocuous. I just stepped away from all the drama. This was simple, but not easy - initially, the temptation to rip his worthless cheating ass up one side and down the other in front of everyone we knew was HUGE. But after only a couple of weeks of stepping away, I discovered that the view was much better from the moral high ground.

Also, I'm sorry about your cat. Maybe you could get in touch with the humane society, so that if your ex does dump the cat there, you'll know and can work with them on finding it a new home.
posted by shiny blue object at 6:22 AM on March 5, 2010


You know that website shit my dad says?

I think you need to start a "shit my ex says" website, with every electronic communication you receive from him. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
posted by adamrice at 7:27 AM on March 5, 2010


Save every communication he makes to you -- save the e-mails, log the phone calls. Don't respond, but keep a log.

It will help if you seek a restraining order.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:15 AM on March 5, 2010


Do not start a "shit my ex says" website, that's just throwing gasoline on a fire you want to extinguish. Bad idea.
posted by Jupiter Jones at 8:27 AM on March 5, 2010


Geckwoistmeinauto, I don't know that I agree with you. I think another valid view of the situation is that she is naturally a bit submissive, and he has trained her to respond to his bullying. She wants to be a nice person - he tells her that she's not being nice so she does what she thinks the "right thing" should be.

The problem is that he has started to define your reality for you - and it's not real, honey. You know why he tells you not to talk to anyone else who was there? Because then they'll see that HE is the crazy one. No one else at that party thought there was anything rude about your behavior, I'm sure. He knows you have what sounds like social anxiety and it gives him plenty of ammunition for torture and manipulation.

Cut him off. Block him on IM, filter his emails into an invisible mailbox and DO NOT READ THEM (but keep them as evidence). If your friends take his side, they're not your friends. Move on.
posted by Billegible at 8:33 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


How do I get him to just leave me alone?

By ignoring him. Block him, filter him, cut him off. If someone else brings him up, change the subject. Stop apologizing to him, stop talking about him. Make it as though he never existed in your life.

He definitely gets something out of your reactions, or knowing that you do/will react. Every time you don't react, he loses power.

Hold your head up and go about your life. If you have friends who are friends of his who *you* want to see, make plans to see them.
posted by noxetlux at 9:05 AM on March 5, 2010


During a breakup, friends tend to align with one or the other. It's unfortunate, but beyond your control. Be polite to any friends, and just say, X and I have separated, and I'm finding that it's better to have extremely limited contact. It's hard to take the high road, but ultimately, the friends you do keep are the ones most worth having.

His tactics work; you open the blocklist, so stop. Tell hm you need time away, and will not be responding for a while. Then, only respond to necessary emails, like ones asking about shared bills or other legitimate business. If he escalates his pressure on you, talk to Legal Aid(they're in the phone book); they can help you decide if a restraining order will/should be granted.
posted by theora55 at 9:24 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I had a "friend" like this when I was in college; a man I desperately tried to have a relationship with until I realized that he was a controlling psychopath and was psychologically abusive to me. I never went the route of restraining order because I cut myself off from him when, at the time, I met my future husband. I just cut this asshole out of my life completely. I suggest you do the same. Since he has already hurt you and you have evidence of it, I would seriously consider a restraining order and any other appropriate legal actions, as well as blocking him in gchat. It sounds like this guy purposefully preys on your admitted low self-esteem and insecurities (a lot of which it sounds like he has conditioned you into believing about yourself). I was right there. I've been there. I did the same thing too; allowing him to see you online, making yourself available to his psychotic, controlling bullshit. Stop doing this NOW. He's out to make you look like a fool, when in fact, it is most certainly him who is the fool. Nthing what everyone else has said, especially noxetlux's comment "make it as though he never existed in your life." This will work wonders, I promise you.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 9:49 AM on March 5, 2010


You are the person creating the drama. Why? Because if you don't react, there is no drama.

I used to believe this too, but have since found that a person with enough imagination, energy, and stamina can be a drama machine all by themselves.

OP, cut off contact. Keep a log. Tell people you trust what's going on! Don't let this turn into something shameful that you have to keep a secret. It isn't. It's just an ex going off the rails. It happens.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:28 AM on March 5, 2010


Your ex is a tool and a half. Ignore him. Log everything he sends you incase you pursue a restrainging order.

He's really trying to get a rise out of you and he realizes that its easy. Teh more you go around fretterd by him, the crazier you appear to your mutual friends. since you are not actually a crazy person, move on with your life by blocking him from all communication and never responding and the true crazy person (your ex) will soon be obvious to all the mutual friends that matter.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:53 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Please look in to getting a restraining order. You may already have enough threatening emails to get one.
posted by medusa at 12:42 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Previously
posted by IndigoRain at 7:04 PM on March 5, 2010


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