Helping my fiancee learn about money management.
March 4, 2010 10:13 PM Subscribe
My fiancee has issues with finances. How best can I help her/us in our pending marriage with respect to her general frustation with finance issues, money management, savings and debt repayment?
About her: Late 20s, has one set of parents who are very successful artisans, but have taken to another profession to help pay/supplement the bills. They live a comfortable life, and do very well now, but have had financial issues in the past. She also has a family (mom and dad were divorced) where the dad has significant debt, and has always had financial issues. Nevertheless, she did not receive much financial planning advice as a youngster.
She graduated from university with no debt (paid by a relative), and took an admin job where she spent what she made, and didn't save. She then went to a grad school program, where she will be emerging with very high 5 digits worth of debt, and a good job that will pay her in the high 5 digits.
She is extraordinarily smart, yet hen she discusses money, she gets very frustrated, often to the point of tears. She has difficulty wrapping her mind around certain savings concepts and debt management concepts, and often looks to my opinion in dealing with issues. She will have awkward conversations with her parents about a variety of topic and emerge frustrated and angry. However, it seems that she will sometimes blow the issues out of proportion and perceive anger and disappointment in others when there is none there (I have witnessed this when speaking to her folks about wedding finances with her there).
About me: I come from a upper middle class family where I was mentored about finances, and I have a fairly well paying job. As such, I have been able to save well, budget well and am generally content with my ability to handle my own finances.
About us: We are currently planning a wedding to which we are contributing a sum, as are our respective parents. We also recently purchased a house. From a debt reduction perspective, our mortgage is less than the cost of her loans, so I was planning on 'paying her debt' with an additional chunk from the mortgage. While this may make financial sense, there is something to be said about her directly paying down her own debt from a financial learning perspective.
I would very much like to share accounts, credit cards, etc. She is OK with this conceptually, but is nervous about her spending habits, and has asked me to 'put her on a budget'. I would suggest she funnel some money off for savings/mortgage, then divvy up the rest, but not sure how to deal with it. I also find the idea somewhat distasteful, but will do it if she things it will help her.
So, that's it. Any advice on how to ease her frustrations? Any advise on how best to help her and help our pending marriage? Thanks in advance.
About her: Late 20s, has one set of parents who are very successful artisans, but have taken to another profession to help pay/supplement the bills. They live a comfortable life, and do very well now, but have had financial issues in the past. She also has a family (mom and dad were divorced) where the dad has significant debt, and has always had financial issues. Nevertheless, she did not receive much financial planning advice as a youngster.
She graduated from university with no debt (paid by a relative), and took an admin job where she spent what she made, and didn't save. She then went to a grad school program, where she will be emerging with very high 5 digits worth of debt, and a good job that will pay her in the high 5 digits.
She is extraordinarily smart, yet hen she discusses money, she gets very frustrated, often to the point of tears. She has difficulty wrapping her mind around certain savings concepts and debt management concepts, and often looks to my opinion in dealing with issues. She will have awkward conversations with her parents about a variety of topic and emerge frustrated and angry. However, it seems that she will sometimes blow the issues out of proportion and perceive anger and disappointment in others when there is none there (I have witnessed this when speaking to her folks about wedding finances with her there).
About me: I come from a upper middle class family where I was mentored about finances, and I have a fairly well paying job. As such, I have been able to save well, budget well and am generally content with my ability to handle my own finances.
About us: We are currently planning a wedding to which we are contributing a sum, as are our respective parents. We also recently purchased a house. From a debt reduction perspective, our mortgage is less than the cost of her loans, so I was planning on 'paying her debt' with an additional chunk from the mortgage. While this may make financial sense, there is something to be said about her directly paying down her own debt from a financial learning perspective.
I would very much like to share accounts, credit cards, etc. She is OK with this conceptually, but is nervous about her spending habits, and has asked me to 'put her on a budget'. I would suggest she funnel some money off for savings/mortgage, then divvy up the rest, but not sure how to deal with it. I also find the idea somewhat distasteful, but will do it if she things it will help her.
So, that's it. Any advice on how to ease her frustrations? Any advise on how best to help her and help our pending marriage? Thanks in advance.
This was me. This is me. Here's what I did:
I said "I'll spend $100 week on food and $100 on fun stuff". Every Thursday I go to the ATM, withdraw $200 and put the cash into two envelopes. When I go out, I take one with me.
Whatever is left in my account at the end of the month (+$1000 safety net) I send off to debts, student loans etc.
I feel very irritated by the action of budgeting, by trying to track all of my expenses. It drives me crazy. This way there are only 2 categories and I don't feel beholden to track everything. I have $200 everyweek to spend as I see fit.
posted by GilloD at 10:43 PM on March 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
I said "I'll spend $100 week on food and $100 on fun stuff". Every Thursday I go to the ATM, withdraw $200 and put the cash into two envelopes. When I go out, I take one with me.
Whatever is left in my account at the end of the month (+$1000 safety net) I send off to debts, student loans etc.
I feel very irritated by the action of budgeting, by trying to track all of my expenses. It drives me crazy. This way there are only 2 categories and I don't feel beholden to track everything. I have $200 everyweek to spend as I see fit.
posted by GilloD at 10:43 PM on March 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
In most relationships it seems couples take on the roles that they have aptitude for. If you are good at finances, I say use your gift.
In our partnership we make a budget together. Then the necessary money goes into a joint account for bills. I have free reign with the money that I agreed to budget for myself and anything outside the budget needs to get discussed. I tried doing this myself, but I just don't do it as well as my wife. So its her job. There are other things that I am better at. It all balances out in the end.
This doesn't mean that she couldn't do it, but it sounds like there are some deeper issues there and I wouldn't force them unless it was agreed by her that she really wants to.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 10:45 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
In our partnership we make a budget together. Then the necessary money goes into a joint account for bills. I have free reign with the money that I agreed to budget for myself and anything outside the budget needs to get discussed. I tried doing this myself, but I just don't do it as well as my wife. So its her job. There are other things that I am better at. It all balances out in the end.
This doesn't mean that she couldn't do it, but it sounds like there are some deeper issues there and I wouldn't force them unless it was agreed by her that she really wants to.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 10:45 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Putting her on a budget is distasteful. Putting both of you on budgets, not so much.
I know plenty of couples where one person is the financial brain while the other is just consulted about big decisions. Obviously you need to discuss this with her, but if I were you I would take the role of organizing the finances and keeping an eye on the big picture and make things very straightforward for her with "We have X budgeted for food this month" and "We each get Y amount of discretionary incoming per month."
BTW, I heartily recommend separate accounts for the discretionary income.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:58 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know plenty of couples where one person is the financial brain while the other is just consulted about big decisions. Obviously you need to discuss this with her, but if I were you I would take the role of organizing the finances and keeping an eye on the big picture and make things very straightforward for her with "We have X budgeted for food this month" and "We each get Y amount of discretionary incoming per month."
BTW, I heartily recommend separate accounts for the discretionary income.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:58 PM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Spreadsheets. Get her set up in Excel with a column for incoming and one for outgoing expenses and have her do a budget for her own money. Then get her set up with something like Mint.com that tracks all your spending, debt and savings automatically. Once she has all the information in front of her and a way to plan ahead she'll be much less stressed out.
For now if you can take on the responsibilities for things like insurance and mortgage that have to be paid and just have her give you a lump sum once a month that will probably help her a lot too.
posted by fshgrl at 11:16 PM on March 4, 2010
For now if you can take on the responsibilities for things like insurance and mortgage that have to be paid and just have her give you a lump sum once a month that will probably help her a lot too.
posted by fshgrl at 11:16 PM on March 4, 2010
You could just automate everything. Create a joint account for expenses, and have the majority of both of your paychecks deposited there.
Then make a separate account for each of you for spending money. Have a set amount of each paycheck direct deposited in each account every payday. This is where you sit down with her to create a "budget" for her, to make sure her spending money covers her personal spending expenses.
Set up all the bills, mortgage & debt payments (yours and hers) on automated payments out of the joint account, including a set amount that goes into a joint savings each payday. (At this point you have four accounts total: joint checking for bills and debts, joint savings, her spending account, your spending account.)
Have one or two joint credit cards if you feel you need them, but you carry them. If she has an adequate amount of spending cash there is no reason she should need to carry around a credit card to extend her spending power. It's a lot of temptation for someone financially impulsive. If she genuinely needs a card for business expenses make it a low limit one with the understanding that it is only to be used for that purpose.
Keep meticulous records on your accounts & expenses, and occasionally sit down with her to give her an overview of your finances so she knows what is happening. Have a plan in your will for a financial advisor to step in and help her reorder things in the event of your death. Have excellent life insurance.
As an otherwise intelligent person with money management issues, I would LOVE it if my husband would set us up on such a plan. Since she has asked you to help her in this area, I think it would be less distasteful for you to be the financial organizer for both of you with her input than it would be for you to try to "teach her a lesson" by requiring her to pay her own debts & such.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:25 AM on March 5, 2010
Then make a separate account for each of you for spending money. Have a set amount of each paycheck direct deposited in each account every payday. This is where you sit down with her to create a "budget" for her, to make sure her spending money covers her personal spending expenses.
Set up all the bills, mortgage & debt payments (yours and hers) on automated payments out of the joint account, including a set amount that goes into a joint savings each payday. (At this point you have four accounts total: joint checking for bills and debts, joint savings, her spending account, your spending account.)
Have one or two joint credit cards if you feel you need them, but you carry them. If she has an adequate amount of spending cash there is no reason she should need to carry around a credit card to extend her spending power. It's a lot of temptation for someone financially impulsive. If she genuinely needs a card for business expenses make it a low limit one with the understanding that it is only to be used for that purpose.
Keep meticulous records on your accounts & expenses, and occasionally sit down with her to give her an overview of your finances so she knows what is happening. Have a plan in your will for a financial advisor to step in and help her reorder things in the event of your death. Have excellent life insurance.
As an otherwise intelligent person with money management issues, I would LOVE it if my husband would set us up on such a plan. Since she has asked you to help her in this area, I think it would be less distasteful for you to be the financial organizer for both of you with her input than it would be for you to try to "teach her a lesson" by requiring her to pay her own debts & such.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:25 AM on March 5, 2010
Putting her on a budget is distasteful.
Maybe for some people, if that's how they chose to see it. I don't see why you have to look at it that way. This is, after all, done by women all over Asia, where many, many husbands are given "pocket money" because they're much more irresponsible with money than their wives. If it makes sense for them, and she wants you to do it, and it helps you two financially, just do it.
posted by smorange at 1:54 AM on March 5, 2010
Maybe for some people, if that's how they chose to see it. I don't see why you have to look at it that way. This is, after all, done by women all over Asia, where many, many husbands are given "pocket money" because they're much more irresponsible with money than their wives. If it makes sense for them, and she wants you to do it, and it helps you two financially, just do it.
posted by smorange at 1:54 AM on March 5, 2010
I'm with psycho-alchemy; there's nothing wrong with taking primary responsibility for an aspect of the household that you have the better aptitude for; arriving at a workable arrangement does not require her to be and behave exactly like you.
In my house, I handle all the budgeting and expense tracking stuff. Once a month, after I've reconciled the bank statements, I generate a sort of status update that summarizes our recent spending and savings record. That monthly review serves as an indirect spending throttle for both of us; it helps us know whether we can get that doodad we've been coveting, or need to tighten our belts a bit. Nobody is on a defined budget, but we talk about all purchases that are larger-than-small.
It's going to be unsettling for you to be so closely tied and vulnerable to someone whose habits are so very different. Your kneejerk reaction to that discomfort will probably be to wish that she were just like you (in terms of financial habits). You might feel a very strong urge to pressure her to be just like you. Resist that. Let her be the different person she is; even if she comes to see the wisdom of your approach to money, it will take several years to happen. In the meantime, experiment with various arrangements until you find a balance that works reasonably well for both of you.
For now, she's asking you to put her on a budget. That would be a fine place to start. If you find it doesn't work, then you'll try something else.
posted by jon1270 at 4:31 AM on March 5, 2010
In my house, I handle all the budgeting and expense tracking stuff. Once a month, after I've reconciled the bank statements, I generate a sort of status update that summarizes our recent spending and savings record. That monthly review serves as an indirect spending throttle for both of us; it helps us know whether we can get that doodad we've been coveting, or need to tighten our belts a bit. Nobody is on a defined budget, but we talk about all purchases that are larger-than-small.
It's going to be unsettling for you to be so closely tied and vulnerable to someone whose habits are so very different. Your kneejerk reaction to that discomfort will probably be to wish that she were just like you (in terms of financial habits). You might feel a very strong urge to pressure her to be just like you. Resist that. Let her be the different person she is; even if she comes to see the wisdom of your approach to money, it will take several years to happen. In the meantime, experiment with various arrangements until you find a balance that works reasonably well for both of you.
For now, she's asking you to put her on a budget. That would be a fine place to start. If you find it doesn't work, then you'll try something else.
posted by jon1270 at 4:31 AM on March 5, 2010
Why can't you guys take some financial classes together. Some couples take pre-marriage counselling, you could do the same. I've heard that more married couples fight about money than anything else, and as a married person I completely understand. Some financial classes could be the pre-marriage therapy for the two of you. You might be bored by the classes, but you'll be there not to learn as much as to support and interpret for your fiance. Also, by going together she won't feel like the dumb one. Who knows, you might just learn something too.
Then after the class, sit down and discuss how you'll handle your finances. Hopefully she'll have a better handle on things and understand what steps need to be taken. Then when the two of you discuss finances she can be an active participant instead of you doing all the work.
The other benefit of taking a class would be that if something ever happened to you she will still have a handle on things. I've heard of so many couples where one person took care of all the finances and suddenly passed away leaving their significant other completely in the dark about what's going on and how to cope. In our relationship my husband deals with the finances (his choice) but keeps me totally in the loop. I know what bills are due when, and we discuss any major decisions. I know when money will be taken out of the account for automatic payments, and how much I can spend on groceries. If my husband were to be 'out of commission' for awhile I could step in and take over with minimal stress.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:43 AM on March 5, 2010
Then after the class, sit down and discuss how you'll handle your finances. Hopefully she'll have a better handle on things and understand what steps need to be taken. Then when the two of you discuss finances she can be an active participant instead of you doing all the work.
The other benefit of taking a class would be that if something ever happened to you she will still have a handle on things. I've heard of so many couples where one person took care of all the finances and suddenly passed away leaving their significant other completely in the dark about what's going on and how to cope. In our relationship my husband deals with the finances (his choice) but keeps me totally in the loop. I know what bills are due when, and we discuss any major decisions. I know when money will be taken out of the account for automatic payments, and how much I can spend on groceries. If my husband were to be 'out of commission' for awhile I could step in and take over with minimal stress.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:43 AM on March 5, 2010
I wouldn't put her on a budget.
It sounds like the problem is that she hasn't had the opportunity to make many sane financial decisions on her own. Being put on a budget by her husband won't alleviate this anxiety, because she still won't be making financial decisions on her own.
I understand wanting to share accounts. I had that idea, too, before me and the mister got married. But for a variety of reasons, that wouldn't have worked for us, at least not yet. What we've done as a stop-gap solution is to have one shared credit card for joint expenses (vet bills, utilities, food--if we could, we'd put our rent on it!). I basically act as administrator of the account and ask him for half each month, when we pay it off in full. For the time being, it's worked well for us; it feels equitable and fair, but we still have separate accounts for discretionary purposes.
However, my brain explodes when I read that you want shared accounts, but are considering having her pay her debt herself for "learning purposes." It sounds like you want it both ways--and in this case, I really don't think you can (either all money is pooled and viewed as communal or it's not). Particularly when she'll also be making payments towards big joint expenses (a house, a wedding) which are no less frivolous than graduate school.
I'd say, keep finances separate for a year. Paying off grad school loans is not the end of the world. There's no reason why you can't make adjustments to spending habits or accounts in another year, when more pressing matters (her finding a job, getting settled in your new home, planning a wedding) are resolved completely.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:36 AM on March 5, 2010
It sounds like the problem is that she hasn't had the opportunity to make many sane financial decisions on her own. Being put on a budget by her husband won't alleviate this anxiety, because she still won't be making financial decisions on her own.
I understand wanting to share accounts. I had that idea, too, before me and the mister got married. But for a variety of reasons, that wouldn't have worked for us, at least not yet. What we've done as a stop-gap solution is to have one shared credit card for joint expenses (vet bills, utilities, food--if we could, we'd put our rent on it!). I basically act as administrator of the account and ask him for half each month, when we pay it off in full. For the time being, it's worked well for us; it feels equitable and fair, but we still have separate accounts for discretionary purposes.
However, my brain explodes when I read that you want shared accounts, but are considering having her pay her debt herself for "learning purposes." It sounds like you want it both ways--and in this case, I really don't think you can (either all money is pooled and viewed as communal or it's not). Particularly when she'll also be making payments towards big joint expenses (a house, a wedding) which are no less frivolous than graduate school.
I'd say, keep finances separate for a year. Paying off grad school loans is not the end of the world. There's no reason why you can't make adjustments to spending habits or accounts in another year, when more pressing matters (her finding a job, getting settled in your new home, planning a wedding) are resolved completely.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:36 AM on March 5, 2010
Oh, and just as a note: I come from a poor family; the husband does not. I get very emotional when talking about money, too, because it reminds me of all the conversations my family had when I was little when we were afraid of losing our house. That does not mean I'm incapable of handling money--in fact, the husband's been pretty impressed by my saving/spending habits. I just hate having Big Important Conversations about it. And a lot of my anxiety about it dissipated once I had a few thousand in the bank for savings. I'd start there, rather than rushing to pay off her loans completely right away. It may do a lot to give her peace of mind.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:42 AM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:42 AM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is far from the entire answer, but maybe you two could peruse some of the personal finance blogs out there? The Simple Dollar or Get Rich Slowly, there are lots of other ones too. I myself had the benefit of parents who taught me about spending less than you earn, you don't buy it until you save for it, you pay your credit card bill in full each month, and so forth, but these blogs are how I figured out the practical details when I first finished college.
posted by teragram at 5:57 AM on March 5, 2010
posted by teragram at 5:57 AM on March 5, 2010
I'm your fiancee. I also get overwhelmed by money a bit -- my family was comfortable, but lower-middle-class, and my mother had money anxiety to boot (which I inherited).
I'm not sure how I finally came around to this attitude, but one thing that helped me was realizing that it's actually okay if I don't know anything about savings interest rates, stocks, etc. I know conceptually what they are, but it's actually okay for me to not pay too much attention. It felt like everyone in the world knew about this stuff but me, but when I realized that that wasn't the case, it was a huge relief.
Another thing that was a TREMENDOUS help to me was also really simple -- just tracking my expenses. I picked a period of time -- say a month -- and I wrote down every single last thing I spent money on during that month. No judgements, no guilt -- this was just taking a picture of my spending. Then at the end of the month, I sat down, made a list of the categories of things I spent money on, and then added up how much I spent on each category.
Some of you are thinking, "well, yeah, you made a budget." But that's not quite the case -- making a budget and trying to stick to it didn't work for me, because I didn't quite have a concept of how much money I WAS spending. It also didn't give me the motivation for why I NEEDED to stick to a budget. But this spending tracking did -- it also helped to remind me that I wasn't doing anything wrong or right, I was just seeing what was going on so I could make a decision later. And at the end of the month, it was really really easy to look at everything laid out on paper and go, "holy shit, I spent THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS on BOOKS this month. Okay, that's DEFINITELY somewhere where I can cut back...." Or maybe you discover that the company cafeteria you get your lunch at is costing you $200 a month, or something.
I find that this exercise is not only informative -- you don't really have a sense of those $200-a-month lunches when they're only $10 a day and you don't think about it -- but it's also EASY, fairly painless, and easy to understand the concept (APR rates discussions make my eyes glaze over, but "shit, $200 on LUNCH is a LOT of money" is an easy concept to grasp. And -- after a couple times doing that, it suddenly hit me that "wait - I've done something responsible about money. go me!" and that took care of a lot of the nerves.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure how I finally came around to this attitude, but one thing that helped me was realizing that it's actually okay if I don't know anything about savings interest rates, stocks, etc. I know conceptually what they are, but it's actually okay for me to not pay too much attention. It felt like everyone in the world knew about this stuff but me, but when I realized that that wasn't the case, it was a huge relief.
Another thing that was a TREMENDOUS help to me was also really simple -- just tracking my expenses. I picked a period of time -- say a month -- and I wrote down every single last thing I spent money on during that month. No judgements, no guilt -- this was just taking a picture of my spending. Then at the end of the month, I sat down, made a list of the categories of things I spent money on, and then added up how much I spent on each category.
Some of you are thinking, "well, yeah, you made a budget." But that's not quite the case -- making a budget and trying to stick to it didn't work for me, because I didn't quite have a concept of how much money I WAS spending. It also didn't give me the motivation for why I NEEDED to stick to a budget. But this spending tracking did -- it also helped to remind me that I wasn't doing anything wrong or right, I was just seeing what was going on so I could make a decision later. And at the end of the month, it was really really easy to look at everything laid out on paper and go, "holy shit, I spent THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS on BOOKS this month. Okay, that's DEFINITELY somewhere where I can cut back...." Or maybe you discover that the company cafeteria you get your lunch at is costing you $200 a month, or something.
I find that this exercise is not only informative -- you don't really have a sense of those $200-a-month lunches when they're only $10 a day and you don't think about it -- but it's also EASY, fairly painless, and easy to understand the concept (APR rates discussions make my eyes glaze over, but "shit, $200 on LUNCH is a LOT of money" is an easy concept to grasp. And -- after a couple times doing that, it suddenly hit me that "wait - I've done something responsible about money. go me!" and that took care of a lot of the nerves.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Well, you're not going to like this answer, but: don't marry her.
Life is much, much, much easier if you dissociate yourself from those who can't manage money.
posted by dfriedman at 6:28 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Life is much, much, much easier if you dissociate yourself from those who can't manage money.
posted by dfriedman at 6:28 AM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your fiance is exhibiting learned helplessness with regards to finances, perhaps because of her experiences being raised. You say she is really smart, but clearly she has not been able to apply her natural intelligence to financial issues. When the subject of finances comes up she goes into fight or flight mode, her brain scrambles, and she breaks down.
There are two things you need to do:
1. Address your immediate money management needs in a way that is responsible and respectful and relieves her anxiety.
2. Longer term, help her address and overcome her learned helplessness in the area of finance.
For the first step, I like GilloD's suggestion of just adopting an affordable weekly cash budget and living off that. It's a great simplification and it will relieve her of the immediate pressure of making financial decisions.
But that's not enough. Your fiance really needs to address her finance anxiety if she wants to be a healthy, independent grownup. Long term this is import. I don't have a silver bullet to recommend here. A lot depends on her personality and proclivities. Maybe a book by Susie Orman would help, maybe some kind of counseling (either financial or psychotherapeutic) would help. If she can get to the point of realizing that this is an acquired unnecessary behavior, that could be a great first step in helping her take a deep breath, calm down, and realize that she can actually handle this stuff. It's not that hard.
Good luck! It sounds like she has a good partner in you.
posted by alms at 6:42 AM on March 5, 2010
There are two things you need to do:
1. Address your immediate money management needs in a way that is responsible and respectful and relieves her anxiety.
2. Longer term, help her address and overcome her learned helplessness in the area of finance.
For the first step, I like GilloD's suggestion of just adopting an affordable weekly cash budget and living off that. It's a great simplification and it will relieve her of the immediate pressure of making financial decisions.
But that's not enough. Your fiance really needs to address her finance anxiety if she wants to be a healthy, independent grownup. Long term this is import. I don't have a silver bullet to recommend here. A lot depends on her personality and proclivities. Maybe a book by Susie Orman would help, maybe some kind of counseling (either financial or psychotherapeutic) would help. If she can get to the point of realizing that this is an acquired unnecessary behavior, that could be a great first step in helping her take a deep breath, calm down, and realize that she can actually handle this stuff. It's not that hard.
Good luck! It sounds like she has a good partner in you.
posted by alms at 6:42 AM on March 5, 2010
Regarding my suggestion of giving her money to start a cushion for savings: I'd consider it an awesome wedding gift to her, if you have, say, $5000 for her to put in a savings account, no strings attached. Once she knows that a disaster won't befall her if she can't find a job immediately, or if there's an emergency, you might find quite a bit of her panic subsiding--which would be a better foundation for both of you to approach money issues from.
Also, it sounds like quite a bit of her worry is tied up with her parents. As someone who comes from a poorer family, there's often an implicit assumption that the kids will pitch in to help the parents with finances, even if the parents don't say that sort of thing directly. Her parents might also be giving her a bit of guilt about helping with the wedding, or she might just feel guilty knowing about it, since she probably comes from a situation where she wasn't allowed to spend money on herself or ask for large gifts or so on. You say this is all in her head; maybe that's true, but I want to let you know that, as someone who comes from a financially secure situation, you might never understand (or even see) how a family's emotional state can be tied into their financial state. This has a major impact on kids in terms of self-worth, particularly in feeling worthy of large gifts.
For similar reasons, I didn't take monetary gifts from my side of the family to help with wedding planning--me and the mister went it alone. This meant a dramatically scaled-back affair (which, in the end, all parents pitched in on in their own way--but the financial gifts were given after the fact, which alleviated anxiety in planning for me significantly). That's something you might consider. It sounds like discussions of money with her parents really upset her. For that reason, it might be a good idea to sever the monetary ties to them. That probably means a smaller wedding. But that might be worth it to make her feel more secure.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:32 AM on March 5, 2010
Also, it sounds like quite a bit of her worry is tied up with her parents. As someone who comes from a poorer family, there's often an implicit assumption that the kids will pitch in to help the parents with finances, even if the parents don't say that sort of thing directly. Her parents might also be giving her a bit of guilt about helping with the wedding, or she might just feel guilty knowing about it, since she probably comes from a situation where she wasn't allowed to spend money on herself or ask for large gifts or so on. You say this is all in her head; maybe that's true, but I want to let you know that, as someone who comes from a financially secure situation, you might never understand (or even see) how a family's emotional state can be tied into their financial state. This has a major impact on kids in terms of self-worth, particularly in feeling worthy of large gifts.
For similar reasons, I didn't take monetary gifts from my side of the family to help with wedding planning--me and the mister went it alone. This meant a dramatically scaled-back affair (which, in the end, all parents pitched in on in their own way--but the financial gifts were given after the fact, which alleviated anxiety in planning for me significantly). That's something you might consider. It sounds like discussions of money with her parents really upset her. For that reason, it might be a good idea to sever the monetary ties to them. That probably means a smaller wedding. But that might be worth it to make her feel more secure.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:32 AM on March 5, 2010
While she doesn't sound great with money, she also doesn't sound terrible with money. She was in a low-paying admin job and spent within her means, even if she didn't save. A lot of financially irresponsible people would have abused credit card debt in the same situation, pay bills every other month, etc.
If she's bad at savings, don't give her that responsibility. Instead split the bills so that she pays what needs to be paid, and you pay what should be paid. Savings, that extra payment on outstanding debt. The things you should do, but sometimes that extra night out is too tempting.
If you can use mint or yodlee, it really is fantastic to look back every month and say "so that's where it went?"If your city has too many "cash only" restaurants/bars, it gets trickier to use those tools.
posted by politikitty at 9:26 AM on March 5, 2010
If she's bad at savings, don't give her that responsibility. Instead split the bills so that she pays what needs to be paid, and you pay what should be paid. Savings, that extra payment on outstanding debt. The things you should do, but sometimes that extra night out is too tempting.
If you can use mint or yodlee, it really is fantastic to look back every month and say "so that's where it went?"If your city has too many "cash only" restaurants/bars, it gets trickier to use those tools.
posted by politikitty at 9:26 AM on March 5, 2010
My wife was in a similar situation, with the added complication of being an independent contractor, and thus having irregular income.
The thing that really helped her, was mint. You can link all your accounts into it, then look at a breakdown of all your income and expenditures. You can see exactly how much you spent on food or clothes, or even how much you spent at one specific store.
The other thing I would suggest is to find a good, independent financial advisor. Someone who will happily explain all this stuff. Since they're not emotionally connected to either of you, the conversation can be much more factual and informative. Plus, you don't wind up being the "expert" in money conversations. It keeps you on equal footing with your fiance, which makes things much easier.
And, of course, remember you're a team. It's not your debt or her debt. It belongs to you both, and you're both responsible for it.
posted by specialnobodie at 11:24 AM on March 5, 2010
The thing that really helped her, was mint. You can link all your accounts into it, then look at a breakdown of all your income and expenditures. You can see exactly how much you spent on food or clothes, or even how much you spent at one specific store.
The other thing I would suggest is to find a good, independent financial advisor. Someone who will happily explain all this stuff. Since they're not emotionally connected to either of you, the conversation can be much more factual and informative. Plus, you don't wind up being the "expert" in money conversations. It keeps you on equal footing with your fiance, which makes things much easier.
And, of course, remember you're a team. It's not your debt or her debt. It belongs to you both, and you're both responsible for it.
posted by specialnobodie at 11:24 AM on March 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lakerk at 10:29 PM on March 4, 2010