How do I overcome jealousy and lack of trust in my relationship?
January 25, 2010 11:40 AM Subscribe
Before my now-boyfriend and I decided to go exclusive, we had a long uncommitted period where we were just besties who had great sex. At the time, his other flings and involvements didn't bother me. Now that we're actually together, I am retrospectively jealous. Very jealous. How do I overcome my jealousy and lack of trust?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I think part of it might be coming from some shade some of the other girls have cast in my direction, even though we don't really know each other. Their jealousy and competitiveness is kinda infectious. It makes me wonder what he told them, how they perceived what transpired between them and between us, and makes me feel like one in a crowd.
I selfishly want to revise that time and wish he had been pining after me, completely uninterested in other people. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea that things changed slowly for him, that we fell in love slowly and decided to be with each other when we both decided that that's what we wanted. I keep thinking about him having sex with those other girls during the time he was having sex with me and it disgusts me. Sex between us wasn't as meaningful then, but now it is, and I keep retroactively applying the value system of our relationship on the pre-relationship era.
Also, he underplayed some of the interactions, making them sound less extensive than they were, and in one case, was borderline deceptive. Before we officially went exclusive, we were unofficially not seeing other people. He slept with one person during this liminal time, and even though it's not technically, it feels like he cheated on me.
We sort of had a don't-ask-don't tell policy at that point, and we were not in a relationship. I too was seeing and sleeping with other people, and I too have censored a lot of those details from him. Now that we're together, I firmly believe that he is faithful and honest. We've both been around the block, but this reduces me to the insecurity and madness of a teenager. Is this part of the downside of limmerance? I really don't know what my problem is.
I want to stop. Besides this, I am completely in love and haven't been happier. I want to figure out how to cope with this irrational jealousy before it sabotages my relationship.