Someone else let the cat out of the bag.
January 11, 2010 10:35 AM Subscribe
My trouble figuring out how to deal with a long-distance romantic interest was just complicated by an overshare by an overzealous "helper." Long-time relationshipfilter listnener, first-time caller.
I am interested in getting to know a friend of a friend a bit more to figure out whether or not she might be good for me, with a complication of a four-hour drive. A recent revelation is complicating things.
I have a female friend S who lives across the country. S used to live where I live and we have many joint friends. She has a female friend A, who recently moved to my coast. I am a guy. Anyway, S and A are friends from childhood. A stayed with S while she lived in my area. The stay was a whole summer long, and was some years ago. I thought A was cool, but didn't really think all that much about it.
About 6 years ago, A came by to visit S again. We all hung out. I had a gf at the time. S, A and I were supposed to go out one evening when S decided to bail because she wasn't feeling well. A and I went for drinks. We must have talked for hours and I felt we really clicked in ways that I usually don't click. I had a gf, but did wonder aloud to S about A and I's compatability. S told me that A had also mentioned that she had a really great time.
Fast forward to last summer. I get a call from a mutual friend of S, A and I, who says that A is coming to town and would like to see me as she is a "big fan." Friend is somewhat of an exaggerator, so I took it with a grain of salt. At first, my memory failed and I asked who A was. As soon as he said "S's friend from childhood" it all came rushing back and I admit to being intersted right away. A eventually had to bail due to migrane, but I made FB friends with her and we exchanged e-mails.
Anyway, over Thanksgiving, I was going to be in A's city, so I E-mailed her and suggested a drink. She was very into it. Turns out the mutual friend (they are not involved) was also in town helping her move. So we all met up and had a few drinks and caught up. It was fun. Nothing crazy, but fun. A was going to a foreign city with her family for pre-christmas. A good friend lived in that city and I offered to give them the chance to meet up. A didn't take advantage, but did thank me.
I talk to S quite often on the phone. I told S of my interest and she offered to help. I asked her to take A's temperature on me if they met up over Christmas. Just to point out that I said I saw her and had a good time and then to see how she reacts. S, knowing A her whole life, says that A would have to be hit on the head with an anvil before A figured out that I might have a romantic interest in her.
Needless to say, I was shocked to learn Friday that S did not get to see A at all. Instead S's mom saw A's mom at a neighborhood get-together and mentioned to her that I was a real catch, and that A should be interested in me, or words to that effect. I was mortified when I learned of this. A's mom said that she had heard of me (most likely on the family trip where I had offered the friend to met A, although I don't know).
I hadn't intended for this to happen this way. I do like A, but after making a bunch of serious mistakes in selecting women when I was younger, I wanted a chance to really get to know A before I just jumped in, and the distance was a problem because I can't just go up there for no reason to visit only her. That's too close for me, I need to find out what kind of person she is first. This is really important to me.
Now to my questions: (1) Is this an approach that one sees often? Frankly, I'm mortified as to what A will think--instead of looking cautious, I look foolish. (2) S thinks I need to call A. I'm not really happy with the pacing of all of this being taken away from me. Is it critical that I call now? I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet. (3) Any ideas on whether or not I need to contact A to explain any part of this away? (4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
thanks.
I am interested in getting to know a friend of a friend a bit more to figure out whether or not she might be good for me, with a complication of a four-hour drive. A recent revelation is complicating things.
I have a female friend S who lives across the country. S used to live where I live and we have many joint friends. She has a female friend A, who recently moved to my coast. I am a guy. Anyway, S and A are friends from childhood. A stayed with S while she lived in my area. The stay was a whole summer long, and was some years ago. I thought A was cool, but didn't really think all that much about it.
About 6 years ago, A came by to visit S again. We all hung out. I had a gf at the time. S, A and I were supposed to go out one evening when S decided to bail because she wasn't feeling well. A and I went for drinks. We must have talked for hours and I felt we really clicked in ways that I usually don't click. I had a gf, but did wonder aloud to S about A and I's compatability. S told me that A had also mentioned that she had a really great time.
Fast forward to last summer. I get a call from a mutual friend of S, A and I, who says that A is coming to town and would like to see me as she is a "big fan." Friend is somewhat of an exaggerator, so I took it with a grain of salt. At first, my memory failed and I asked who A was. As soon as he said "S's friend from childhood" it all came rushing back and I admit to being intersted right away. A eventually had to bail due to migrane, but I made FB friends with her and we exchanged e-mails.
Anyway, over Thanksgiving, I was going to be in A's city, so I E-mailed her and suggested a drink. She was very into it. Turns out the mutual friend (they are not involved) was also in town helping her move. So we all met up and had a few drinks and caught up. It was fun. Nothing crazy, but fun. A was going to a foreign city with her family for pre-christmas. A good friend lived in that city and I offered to give them the chance to meet up. A didn't take advantage, but did thank me.
I talk to S quite often on the phone. I told S of my interest and she offered to help. I asked her to take A's temperature on me if they met up over Christmas. Just to point out that I said I saw her and had a good time and then to see how she reacts. S, knowing A her whole life, says that A would have to be hit on the head with an anvil before A figured out that I might have a romantic interest in her.
Needless to say, I was shocked to learn Friday that S did not get to see A at all. Instead S's mom saw A's mom at a neighborhood get-together and mentioned to her that I was a real catch, and that A should be interested in me, or words to that effect. I was mortified when I learned of this. A's mom said that she had heard of me (most likely on the family trip where I had offered the friend to met A, although I don't know).
I hadn't intended for this to happen this way. I do like A, but after making a bunch of serious mistakes in selecting women when I was younger, I wanted a chance to really get to know A before I just jumped in, and the distance was a problem because I can't just go up there for no reason to visit only her. That's too close for me, I need to find out what kind of person she is first. This is really important to me.
Now to my questions: (1) Is this an approach that one sees often? Frankly, I'm mortified as to what A will think--instead of looking cautious, I look foolish. (2) S thinks I need to call A. I'm not really happy with the pacing of all of this being taken away from me. Is it critical that I call now? I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet. (3) Any ideas on whether or not I need to contact A to explain any part of this away? (4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
thanks.
My mom is a meddler, and she would definitely be the type to call me up and say "Jane's mom said that Joe is quite a catch." And I'd be like, whatever, my mom is always meddling, because that's how she is. I would not immediately think OMG JOE WANTS TO MARRY ME. A knows how her mom is, and if her mom says anything to her she will probably gauge that information based on her relationship with mom.
I would not call A based solely on this information. I would not ever bring it up to her at all. Just proceed however you were going to proceed in the first place. This sounds kind of high schoolish, to be honest, but based on your past comments I think you're over 30 (?), so chill. I don't think YOU look foolish - I think the moms look foolish if anything for talking about their adult daughter's relationship prospects.
posted by desjardins at 10:49 AM on January 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
I would not call A based solely on this information. I would not ever bring it up to her at all. Just proceed however you were going to proceed in the first place. This sounds kind of high schoolish, to be honest, but based on your past comments I think you're over 30 (?), so chill. I don't think YOU look foolish - I think the moms look foolish if anything for talking about their adult daughter's relationship prospects.
posted by desjardins at 10:49 AM on January 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
2nding this is convoluted and the fact that you're obsessing this much about interacting with a girl you've met exactly *twice* is kind of weird. Get off facebook and the internet, just contact her next time you're in the same area (I'm still not clear on where you're located related to her) and ask her if she'd like to hang out. Don't talk about ANY of this odd backstory drama. Pretend to yourself that it never happened, and just treat it like you would any other interaction with a cute girl that you thought you kind of clicked with.
posted by arnicae at 10:50 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by arnicae at 10:50 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm with desjardins. Roll you eyes over the help you've received and don't mention it to the love interest unless and until you actually end up dating. Otherwise, just follow the plan you've laid out for yourself.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:52 AM on January 11, 2010
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:52 AM on January 11, 2010
1) Unless there's a part you left out, I don't think there's any reason to assume that A will think you asked S's mom to talk you up. If I were A, I would probably just think S's mom is a goofball (and would maybe grin to myself about it a little if I indeed suspect you were a catch). I'd proceed as if you didn't know any of this had happened.
2) As long as you can you pretend you don't know S's mom said anything, then e-mail and call her like a normal person when you want. (I would say you should ramp it up a little if you really want to know what A's got to offer. All these plans to get to know her first seem to be precluding you from actually getting to know her.)
3) Don't mention it. If she brings it up, cop to telling S that you've enjoyed meeting A over the years and were looking forward to seeing her again. Whatever S told mom and mom told A is out of your hands. If you really need a response, "I hope she made me sound good!" seems neutral and friendly.
4) Honestly, it sounds like you had this grand master plan for how it was all going to work, and this time you don't get to implement the plan. That's okay: the plan wasn't going to guarantee you anything anyway. Take a deep breath and see how this new chain of events pans out.
posted by juliplease at 10:54 AM on January 11, 2010
2) As long as you can you pretend you don't know S's mom said anything, then e-mail and call her like a normal person when you want. (I would say you should ramp it up a little if you really want to know what A's got to offer. All these plans to get to know her first seem to be precluding you from actually getting to know her.)
3) Don't mention it. If she brings it up, cop to telling S that you've enjoyed meeting A over the years and were looking forward to seeing her again. Whatever S told mom and mom told A is out of your hands. If you really need a response, "I hope she made me sound good!" seems neutral and friendly.
4) Honestly, it sounds like you had this grand master plan for how it was all going to work, and this time you don't get to implement the plan. That's okay: the plan wasn't going to guarantee you anything anyway. Take a deep breath and see how this new chain of events pans out.
posted by juliplease at 10:54 AM on January 11, 2010
Aww, you're so cute when you're romantically anxious.
"I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet,"
This strikes me as silly. You've already been on a date with her, and you both liked it. Granted, it wasn't an official date so the pressure was off, and it was years ago -- but it doesn't seem like so much is really at stake here. It's just a date. Lighten up.
Having been outed by S's mom, I'd probably call A, admit to my interest, and then ask whether she's interested in a night out. Anything more than that is needlessly overcomplicated.
posted by jon1270 at 10:55 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet,"
This strikes me as silly. You've already been on a date with her, and you both liked it. Granted, it wasn't an official date so the pressure was off, and it was years ago -- but it doesn't seem like so much is really at stake here. It's just a date. Lighten up.
Having been outed by S's mom, I'd probably call A, admit to my interest, and then ask whether she's interested in a night out. Anything more than that is needlessly overcomplicated.
posted by jon1270 at 10:55 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think YOU look foolish - I think the moms look foolish if anything for talking about their adult daughter's relationship prospects.
Seconding this. It's vanishingly unlikely that this is the first time these moms have been inappropriate, so it's not going to reflect on you at all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:56 AM on January 11, 2010
Seconding this. It's vanishingly unlikely that this is the first time these moms have been inappropriate, so it's not going to reflect on you at all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:56 AM on January 11, 2010
It's entirely possible that S's mom came to this conclusion about you independently of anything you may or may not have done. It's also entirely possible that A's mom has been hearing good things about you prior to this. It's also entirely possible that A's mom has been keeping such information to herself and letting A make up her own mind.
Worst case scenario, the mothers talked and A's mom told A about the conversation -- but that's it. There's still enough plausible chance that the mothers talked independently, that I doubt A would assume you'd started that. If you get together with A and the "mom talk" comes up in conversation, you could even mutually bond over that -- an eye-rolly "boy, the way some people gossip, right?"
I think you're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:02 AM on January 11, 2010
Worst case scenario, the mothers talked and A's mom told A about the conversation -- but that's it. There's still enough plausible chance that the mothers talked independently, that I doubt A would assume you'd started that. If you get together with A and the "mom talk" comes up in conversation, you could even mutually bond over that -- an eye-rolly "boy, the way some people gossip, right?"
I think you're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:02 AM on January 11, 2010
Response by poster: 2nding this is convoluted and the fact that you're obsessing this much about interacting with a girl you've met exactly *twice* is kind of weird.
I have not been clear--I apologize. We do know each other relatively well and spent a significant amount of time hanging out in groups, much of which was while I had a gf. We've known each other well, but it has been some time since we have hung out for any long period of time. I know her a lot better than having met her twice.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 AM on January 11, 2010
I have not been clear--I apologize. We do know each other relatively well and spent a significant amount of time hanging out in groups, much of which was while I had a gf. We've known each other well, but it has been some time since we have hung out for any long period of time. I know her a lot better than having met her twice.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 AM on January 11, 2010
(1) Is this an approach that one sees often? Frankly, I'm mortified as to what A will think--instead of looking cautious, I look foolish.
I really don't understand what you've done to look foolish. You've expressed an interest in A --- through a mutual friend --- which is not incautious, it's perfectly normal ... so what have you done that you're mortified about?
(2) S thinks I need to call A. I'm not really happy with the pacing of all of this being taken away from me. Is it critical that I call now? I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet.
How is the pacing being taken away from you? Call her when and if you feel like it. If you don't feel you know her well enough to go out solely to see her, then you must just wait for the next opportunity to present itself, right? The mere fact that someone "thinks you should call A" does not mean you must call A, so how is the pacing taken out of your hands?
(3) Any ideas on whether or not I need to contact A to explain any part of this away?
No. There's nothing to explain away. What have you done that is inappropriate, imprudent, incautious, or foolish?
(4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
It would depend on how I felt about "the catch."
Bottom line: If this woman is a reasonable person who is worth dating, she is not going to be so high strung that the involvement of an officious intermeddler is going to turn her off of dating you. If anything in the convoluted chain of events that you recited, constitutes some sort of fatal foible that interferes with your potential relationship --- then it wasn't much of a potential relationship to start with.
Stop worrying so much about fine-grained nuanced questions of who thinks what about you, whether you look foolish, or whether you maintain your cool. Those things won't really be issues with someone who is really worth dating.
posted by jayder at 11:22 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I really don't understand what you've done to look foolish. You've expressed an interest in A --- through a mutual friend --- which is not incautious, it's perfectly normal ... so what have you done that you're mortified about?
(2) S thinks I need to call A. I'm not really happy with the pacing of all of this being taken away from me. Is it critical that I call now? I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet.
How is the pacing being taken away from you? Call her when and if you feel like it. If you don't feel you know her well enough to go out solely to see her, then you must just wait for the next opportunity to present itself, right? The mere fact that someone "thinks you should call A" does not mean you must call A, so how is the pacing taken out of your hands?
(3) Any ideas on whether or not I need to contact A to explain any part of this away?
No. There's nothing to explain away. What have you done that is inappropriate, imprudent, incautious, or foolish?
(4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
It would depend on how I felt about "the catch."
Bottom line: If this woman is a reasonable person who is worth dating, she is not going to be so high strung that the involvement of an officious intermeddler is going to turn her off of dating you. If anything in the convoluted chain of events that you recited, constitutes some sort of fatal foible that interferes with your potential relationship --- then it wasn't much of a potential relationship to start with.
Stop worrying so much about fine-grained nuanced questions of who thinks what about you, whether you look foolish, or whether you maintain your cool. Those things won't really be issues with someone who is really worth dating.
posted by jayder at 11:22 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I haven't learned enough about A to be sure I want to go on a date with her yet.
We do know each other relatively well and spent a significant amount of time hanging out in groups
These statements seem contradictory. Do you know her well or not?
It seems like you have a lot of reservations about this right now. If you are weirded out by the situation, then back off and wait for the next one, which it sounds like there will be. I think you need to sit back and let the game come to you.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:24 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
We do know each other relatively well and spent a significant amount of time hanging out in groups
These statements seem contradictory. Do you know her well or not?
It seems like you have a lot of reservations about this right now. If you are weirded out by the situation, then back off and wait for the next one, which it sounds like there will be. I think you need to sit back and let the game come to you.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:24 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is this an approach that one sees often? -- Yes! People get all up in your business, in silly ways, especially moms and women over 40 in general. A won't be weirded out, though she may be annoyed that her mom is talking about her love life to other moms in the grocery store. But like I said, it's par for the course. It's called "matchmaking," and it's a universal instinct.
posted by yarly at 11:27 AM on January 11, 2010
posted by yarly at 11:27 AM on January 11, 2010
If the moms are involved, it means that you guys are going to have to get serious. They already romanticized it and, being a romantic schmoopy, I would want you two to get married in the end to satisfy my need for a storyline. If you're not into getting serious or are hesitant to put it all out there, then I wouldn't bother. Because MOMS are involved, and MOMS, Marrieds, and Ladies in general -- well, we're all secretly wishing you would get married already and quit with the string of girlfriends and aimless relationships.
posted by anniecat at 11:30 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 11:30 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agreeing you should roll your eyes and ignore that it even happened. It's really not a big deal, and if reflects on anyone it's A's mom and maybe S's mom. It sounds pretty normal to me, that's what moms do, they offer unsolicited romantic advice and such to their daughters.
I wouldn't explain anything away, but I would call her. Or decide not to call her. If you know each other relatively well, you should know if you want to go on an actual date with her. If you are not actually taking steps to make that happen, I would look at why not.
If you're worried about whether or not A feels the same, consider that S (who has known A for a long time) is telling you to call A - if she didn't think A was interested, she probably would dissuade you, and she hasn't.
posted by KAS at 11:36 AM on January 11, 2010
I wouldn't explain anything away, but I would call her. Or decide not to call her. If you know each other relatively well, you should know if you want to go on an actual date with her. If you are not actually taking steps to make that happen, I would look at why not.
If you're worried about whether or not A feels the same, consider that S (who has known A for a long time) is telling you to call A - if she didn't think A was interested, she probably would dissuade you, and she hasn't.
posted by KAS at 11:36 AM on January 11, 2010
It's entirely possible that S's mom came to this conclusion about you independently of anything you may or may not have done.
Yup. My mother decided that some guy she worked with was perfect for me, despite us never having met, so he couldn't possibly have expressed any interest. She was also way, way off the mark, furthering my instinct to discount what she says.
posted by desjardins at 11:37 AM on January 11, 2010
Yup. My mother decided that some guy she worked with was perfect for me, despite us never having met, so he couldn't possibly have expressed any interest. She was also way, way off the mark, furthering my instinct to discount what she says.
posted by desjardins at 11:37 AM on January 11, 2010
Instead S's mom saw A's mom at a neighborhood get-together and mentioned to her that I was a real catch, and that A should be interested in me, or words to that effect. I was mortified when I learned of this.
Oh, moms; they're always causing trouble, aren't they? Yet they never seem to have the pulse of their children, quite, so nobody takes them at face value. Plus, "words to that effect" -- you're not getting this from S's mom and A's mom, so it's third-hand. For all we know, they spent hours talking about how you two should have babies...or S's mom said something offhand, A's mom grunted assent, and they moved on to other topics. So forget the over-sharing thing, there's nothing to worry about. Just moms being moms.
Instead, you know that A's a fan of yours, you both get along really well, and (form S) she needs to be hit with an anvil to know you're interested. S has essentially just told you that you should call her and see if she's interested in seeing you during a "visit" to her area soon (have a date and time you're going to be in town ready and available in case she says yes.) If you don't take that hint, you yourself are in the needs-an-anvil bucket.
Mind you, she might not be interested, but based on everything you've said she probably is, and if she isn't you'll be spared trying to make the logistics of a four-hour-distance relationship work.
posted by davejay at 11:41 AM on January 11, 2010
Oh, moms; they're always causing trouble, aren't they? Yet they never seem to have the pulse of their children, quite, so nobody takes them at face value. Plus, "words to that effect" -- you're not getting this from S's mom and A's mom, so it's third-hand. For all we know, they spent hours talking about how you two should have babies...or S's mom said something offhand, A's mom grunted assent, and they moved on to other topics. So forget the over-sharing thing, there's nothing to worry about. Just moms being moms.
Instead, you know that A's a fan of yours, you both get along really well, and (form S) she needs to be hit with an anvil to know you're interested. S has essentially just told you that you should call her and see if she's interested in seeing you during a "visit" to her area soon (have a date and time you're going to be in town ready and available in case she says yes.) If you don't take that hint, you yourself are in the needs-an-anvil bucket.
Mind you, she might not be interested, but based on everything you've said she probably is, and if she isn't you'll be spared trying to make the logistics of a four-hour-distance relationship work.
posted by davejay at 11:41 AM on January 11, 2010
I think a key piece of information is whether S's mom did in fact act independently.
If you pretend not to know about this whole thing when you do in fact know about this whole thing, you will be foolish. If A finds out you pretended not to know about this whole thing when you do in fact know about this whole thing, then you will look foolish to A.
If you want to be cautious, be cautious. If you don't, then don't. But I would counsel you not to start off the relationship with deceit.
posted by jock@law at 11:41 AM on January 11, 2010
If you pretend not to know about this whole thing when you do in fact know about this whole thing, you will be foolish. If A finds out you pretended not to know about this whole thing when you do in fact know about this whole thing, then you will look foolish to A.
If you want to be cautious, be cautious. If you don't, then don't. But I would counsel you not to start off the relationship with deceit.
posted by jock@law at 11:41 AM on January 11, 2010
Response by poster: I think a key piece of information is whether S's mom did in fact act independently.
Uh, I wanted my friend to barely test the waters, instead, her mom went off the reservation. Didn't think of this side of things. ugh.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:47 AM on January 11, 2010
Uh, I wanted my friend to barely test the waters, instead, her mom went off the reservation. Didn't think of this side of things. ugh.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:47 AM on January 11, 2010
I know her mom went off the reservation. The question in my mind is whether she's even an Indian.
If S didn't include her mom, then her mom doesn't know you asked for help, so she couldn't have conveyed that you asked for help to A's mom, who then could not have conveyed that information to A.
posted by jock@law at 12:05 PM on January 11, 2010
If S didn't include her mom, then her mom doesn't know you asked for help, so she couldn't have conveyed that you asked for help to A's mom, who then could not have conveyed that information to A.
posted by jock@law at 12:05 PM on January 11, 2010
(4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
I would think that dude is a terrible person! How dare someone else's mother mention him to my mom! Clearly, he's a crazyperson who wants to get married immediately!
Kidding! I'd really just roll my eyes, say "Mo-om!" and move on with my life.
This doesn't put a chink in your plans. In fact, it doesn't even affect your plans. Ignore it, and proceed as you otherwise would have--and next time, fake names, please, instead of initials!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:09 PM on January 11, 2010
I would think that dude is a terrible person! How dare someone else's mother mention him to my mom! Clearly, he's a crazyperson who wants to get married immediately!
Kidding! I'd really just roll my eyes, say "Mo-om!" and move on with my life.
This doesn't put a chink in your plans. In fact, it doesn't even affect your plans. Ignore it, and proceed as you otherwise would have--and next time, fake names, please, instead of initials!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:09 PM on January 11, 2010
Unless S's mom specifically told A's mom that not only are you a catch, but you're totally interested and asked S to ask her mom to tell A's mom to tell A that you're into her, which seems unlikely, then I don't see what the problem could possibly be. From your description, it's not clear that anybody has even given her the impression that you're interested.
posted by dreadpiratesully at 12:16 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by dreadpiratesully at 12:16 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You two seem to click, and now you have a funny shared story about Moms and Their Peculiar Mom Ways. In a sense, it's even an excuse to ring her up.
posted by darth_tedious at 12:40 PM on January 11, 2010
posted by darth_tedious at 12:40 PM on January 11, 2010
You admit that you know her 'relatively well' and 'know her a lot better than having met her twice.' I think you should know if you want to take her on a date. It isn't that hard. I've had a guy ask me out in the bookstore who didn't even like the book I had in my hand. You like her enough to spend time in a group, the only way to know if you will like her one-on-one is to be one-on-one. Stop over thinking and go on the date. Worse case you're out the cost of dinner and the four hour drive (okay eight round trip.) Not a huge deal.
When you are actually on the date, tell her that you heard through the grapevine that The Moms were involved. Sigh, roll your eyes, and then say something to the effect of what julipease said "I hope S's mom made me sound good, sorry about that." I think you should treat it as if they acted independently, since that's exactly what they did. Just because you asked S to 'test the waters' didn't give her mom the right to shove her foot in her mouth. That's just how moms are, the girl will totally understand. Especially if she too is over 30, her mom probably bugs her daily about grand kids.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:46 PM on January 11, 2010
When you are actually on the date, tell her that you heard through the grapevine that The Moms were involved. Sigh, roll your eyes, and then say something to the effect of what julipease said "I hope S's mom made me sound good, sorry about that." I think you should treat it as if they acted independently, since that's exactly what they did. Just because you asked S to 'test the waters' didn't give her mom the right to shove her foot in her mouth. That's just how moms are, the girl will totally understand. Especially if she too is over 30, her mom probably bugs her daily about grand kids.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:46 PM on January 11, 2010
Response by poster: I think you should know if you want to take her on a date.
She lives 4 hours away. This is the problem. I'd have to fly or take a train there. Can't exactly ask to stay on her couch either. A little too much too soon. Hence my issue. Otherwise, would just get her invited to a larger gathering and flirt with her, then ask her out. Can't do that here.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:51 PM on January 11, 2010
She lives 4 hours away. This is the problem. I'd have to fly or take a train there. Can't exactly ask to stay on her couch either. A little too much too soon. Hence my issue. Otherwise, would just get her invited to a larger gathering and flirt with her, then ask her out. Can't do that here.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:51 PM on January 11, 2010
She lives 4 hours away. This is the problem. I'd have to fly or take a train there. Can't exactly ask to stay on her couch either.
You're a lawyer. You know how to handle this. Pressing deadlines shouldn't be the only occasion to abuse No-Doz.
posted by jock@law at 1:30 PM on January 11, 2010
You're a lawyer. You know how to handle this. Pressing deadlines shouldn't be the only occasion to abuse No-Doz.
posted by jock@law at 1:30 PM on January 11, 2010
I'm afraid I'm starting to get a bit suspicious of what's really at the heart of this -- on the one hand, you seem to be hesitating because "oh mercy our parents talked" but on the other hand you seem to be hesitating because "oh mercy we live too far away."
If the distance is too great for you to overcome, then it doesn't matter if the mothers talked. On the other hand, if you have enough of a stake in things for the mothers talking to truly jeopardize something, then it doesn't matter that she's four hours away.
So I hate to put it this baldly, but -- I'm starting to get the impression that what's really going on is that you're trying to make excuses to yourself for why you haven't already acted on something that you really, really want to act on. Even the "i can't ask to stay on her couch" is a McGuffin because, SURELY there are hotels where she lives, no?
Storytime: a good friend of mine was in your exact same situation. His workmate had a friend in Chicago, that friend came to New York for a visit, and they both came to a show he produced. He and the Chicago girl hit it off, and hung out a lot during the weekend she was in town, and then she went back to Chicago.
My friend didn't dither about "should I find out more about her" or "do I want to date her" or "what if our mothers talk to each other" or what not. Instead, he flew to Chicago the very next week and got a hotel room, then called her to see if she wanted to have dinner.
The 8th anniverary of that dinner date is next month. They'll be celebrating it together in Puerto Rico, then coming back home to the apartment they've shared for the past 5 of those 8 years.
Sometimes you have to just jump in and see what happens -- 4-hour distances or gossipy mothers be damned.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:37 PM on January 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
If the distance is too great for you to overcome, then it doesn't matter if the mothers talked. On the other hand, if you have enough of a stake in things for the mothers talking to truly jeopardize something, then it doesn't matter that she's four hours away.
So I hate to put it this baldly, but -- I'm starting to get the impression that what's really going on is that you're trying to make excuses to yourself for why you haven't already acted on something that you really, really want to act on. Even the "i can't ask to stay on her couch" is a McGuffin because, SURELY there are hotels where she lives, no?
Storytime: a good friend of mine was in your exact same situation. His workmate had a friend in Chicago, that friend came to New York for a visit, and they both came to a show he produced. He and the Chicago girl hit it off, and hung out a lot during the weekend she was in town, and then she went back to Chicago.
My friend didn't dither about "should I find out more about her" or "do I want to date her" or "what if our mothers talk to each other" or what not. Instead, he flew to Chicago the very next week and got a hotel room, then called her to see if she wanted to have dinner.
The 8th anniverary of that dinner date is next month. They'll be celebrating it together in Puerto Rico, then coming back home to the apartment they've shared for the past 5 of those 8 years.
Sometimes you have to just jump in and see what happens -- 4-hour distances or gossipy mothers be damned.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:37 PM on January 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
It seems to me like the real problem here is not the Moms, who really haven't done anything that will have any impact on your relations with A, but your ambivalence about the situation with this girl. You want to spend time with her, but don't want it to be an "official" date. You want to know if she's interested in you, but aren't ready for her to know you're interested in her. You want to see her, but don't want to make a special trip to her location. The mom supermarket incident has just given your anxiety a new place to hover.
Basically, you need to relax, think about what you want, think about what you're afraid of, and make a decision. Maybe all this anxiety is a warning sign that you aren't ready to pursue anything with A. Or maybe there's a neat girl who may well like you, and deep down you want to go for it - and that's what's making you nervous. Either way is fine. None of this is nearly as big a deal outside your head as it seems inside it.
But if you want to see her, and don't want to make it a whole "big date" scenario, that's feasible too. Invent a reason to go to her location - an art exhibit you want to see, a winery you want to visit, anything plausible. Let her know you're thinking of visiting her area sometime in the next few weeks, and ask if there's a weekend when she'd be free to hang out a bit, or accompany you to whatever it is. You don't have to make it sound romantic, or like a special trip only to see her. Buy a train ticket, or rent a car, and pay for one night of hotel, especially if she seems enthusiastic about seeing you and eager to make plans. Or maybe she'll invite you to crash on her couch - friends who know each other as well as you seem to do that, too. Then just see what happens when you're in the same place together. It'll cost some money, but your potential future happiness (and peace of mind from knowing one way or the other) is a good thing to invest in.
Also, it seems like you have a lot of uncertainty about whether you want to be in a relationship at all, and about whether you like this girl or just like her, and that's an OK place to be. I'm sure you have reasons for being cautious. But those reasons might not have anything to do with this particular woman and situation. The main thing is to make decisions based on your feelings and desires about A - whatever they are - and not feelings that are left over from the past.
posted by unsub at 1:45 PM on January 11, 2010
Basically, you need to relax, think about what you want, think about what you're afraid of, and make a decision. Maybe all this anxiety is a warning sign that you aren't ready to pursue anything with A. Or maybe there's a neat girl who may well like you, and deep down you want to go for it - and that's what's making you nervous. Either way is fine. None of this is nearly as big a deal outside your head as it seems inside it.
But if you want to see her, and don't want to make it a whole "big date" scenario, that's feasible too. Invent a reason to go to her location - an art exhibit you want to see, a winery you want to visit, anything plausible. Let her know you're thinking of visiting her area sometime in the next few weeks, and ask if there's a weekend when she'd be free to hang out a bit, or accompany you to whatever it is. You don't have to make it sound romantic, or like a special trip only to see her. Buy a train ticket, or rent a car, and pay for one night of hotel, especially if she seems enthusiastic about seeing you and eager to make plans. Or maybe she'll invite you to crash on her couch - friends who know each other as well as you seem to do that, too. Then just see what happens when you're in the same place together. It'll cost some money, but your potential future happiness (and peace of mind from knowing one way or the other) is a good thing to invest in.
Also, it seems like you have a lot of uncertainty about whether you want to be in a relationship at all, and about whether you like this girl or just like her, and that's an OK place to be. I'm sure you have reasons for being cautious. But those reasons might not have anything to do with this particular woman and situation. The main thing is to make decisions based on your feelings and desires about A - whatever they are - and not feelings that are left over from the past.
posted by unsub at 1:45 PM on January 11, 2010
Response by poster: So I hate to put it this baldly, but -- I'm starting to get the impression that what's really going on is that you're trying to make excuses to yourself for why you haven't already acted on something that you really, really want to act on. Even the "i can't ask to stay on her couch" is a McGuffin because, SURELY there are hotels where she lives, no?
You are very much on target. I am gunshy right now, given my past track record of going after people who weren't right for me, ok anyone. So I wanted a low-key way to figure this out slowly. I felt forced by this manuver and my friend's insistence that I should call now.
The main thing I was looking for was guessing on how this might look the lady involved.
Thanks.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:48 PM on January 11, 2010
You are very much on target. I am gunshy right now, given my past track record of going after people who weren't right for me, ok anyone. So I wanted a low-key way to figure this out slowly. I felt forced by this manuver and my friend's insistence that I should call now.
The main thing I was looking for was guessing on how this might look the lady involved.
Thanks.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:48 PM on January 11, 2010
Best answer: The main thing I was looking for was guessing on how this might look the lady involved.
Okay -- but what exactly is the "this" you're asking about? The mom talk? Your coming for a visit? I'm still confused. If it's the Mom talk, it probably doesn't look like anything but Moms being busybodies.
And I'm sorry I got all tough-love on you there for a minute. I can respect you wanting to be cautious, but I think you'd be better served to admit to yourself that the reason you're hesitating is because "I want to be cautious because I've been burned in the past" rather than "I live four hours away". It's a perfectly valid reason.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:52 PM on January 11, 2010
Okay -- but what exactly is the "this" you're asking about? The mom talk? Your coming for a visit? I'm still confused. If it's the Mom talk, it probably doesn't look like anything but Moms being busybodies.
And I'm sorry I got all tough-love on you there for a minute. I can respect you wanting to be cautious, but I think you'd be better served to admit to yourself that the reason you're hesitating is because "I want to be cautious because I've been burned in the past" rather than "I live four hours away". It's a perfectly valid reason.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:52 PM on January 11, 2010
The main thing I was looking for was guessing on how this might look the lady involved.
If other people are being busybodies, it will look to her like other people are being busybodies. Don't beanplate this: if she is a single woman over 30, she is used to other people, especially her mom and her friends' moms, meddling with this stuff.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:19 PM on January 11, 2010
If other people are being busybodies, it will look to her like other people are being busybodies. Don't beanplate this: if she is a single woman over 30, she is used to other people, especially her mom and her friends' moms, meddling with this stuff.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:19 PM on January 11, 2010
Response by poster: I think you'd be better served to admit to yourself that the reason you're hesitating is because "I want to be cautious because I've been burned in the past" rather than "I live four hours away". It's a perfectly valid reason.
No problem admitting that! Exactly right. The four hours is just a hinderance to my desire to go slow and learn more about how this person is in relationships. I get an "all in" feeling if I have to go four fucking hours and get a hotel room. You are wise, EC.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2010
No problem admitting that! Exactly right. The four hours is just a hinderance to my desire to go slow and learn more about how this person is in relationships. I get an "all in" feeling if I have to go four fucking hours and get a hotel room. You are wise, EC.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:20 PM on January 11, 2010
Aw, thanks!
Borrowing a page from my friend's romance (see above) -- one thing you could try is, if you want to go slow, maybe discuss having the "different states" part of your dating be...open. As in, while you're living in two different states, it's a non-exclusive thing; that helped them both out a lot in terms of both coping with the distance and in terms of letting each other feel each other out.
Perhaps trying the same thing could be a move you could consider - you or she sometimes pops by for visits and you do things when you're both in town, but there's no expectation of A Commitment until you're ready to make that step.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:27 PM on January 11, 2010
Borrowing a page from my friend's romance (see above) -- one thing you could try is, if you want to go slow, maybe discuss having the "different states" part of your dating be...open. As in, while you're living in two different states, it's a non-exclusive thing; that helped them both out a lot in terms of both coping with the distance and in terms of letting each other feel each other out.
Perhaps trying the same thing could be a move you could consider - you or she sometimes pops by for visits and you do things when you're both in town, but there's no expectation of A Commitment until you're ready to make that step.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:27 PM on January 11, 2010
Hi. Love your work here on the green.
On general principle, please stop talking to mutual friends about your interest in A, ok?
Folks often mean well, but their agendas and attentions can muddy the positive flow between two people trying to make a romantic connection.
From now on, keep your private business private.
Good Luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:33 PM on January 11, 2010
On general principle, please stop talking to mutual friends about your interest in A, ok?
Folks often mean well, but their agendas and attentions can muddy the positive flow between two people trying to make a romantic connection.
From now on, keep your private business private.
Good Luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:33 PM on January 11, 2010
Everything else has been adequately answered except possibly: 3.Any ideas on whether or not I need to contact A to explain any part of this away?
Not only NO you shouldnt, but also do not bring it up when you see her. Make up an excuse to be in her area ASAP, ask her to go somewhere just the two of you (but dont say the word date) and go do it without mentioning anything. This interfering helper thing has happened to me plenty and the best bet is just to completely ignore it in your interactions. Also now I do not tell my female friends about my crushes unless I don't mind if they (awkwardly or deftly) try to help.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:12 PM on January 11, 2010
Not only NO you shouldnt, but also do not bring it up when you see her. Make up an excuse to be in her area ASAP, ask her to go somewhere just the two of you (but dont say the word date) and go do it without mentioning anything. This interfering helper thing has happened to me plenty and the best bet is just to completely ignore it in your interactions. Also now I do not tell my female friends about my crushes unless I don't mind if they (awkwardly or deftly) try to help.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:12 PM on January 11, 2010
Look, she's four hours away. If it doesn't work out it's not like you will run into her every day.
Don't worry about moms. It's what we (unfortunately) do and people your age learn to ignore us. Really!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 PM on January 11, 2010
Don't worry about moms. It's what we (unfortunately) do and people your age learn to ignore us. Really!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 PM on January 11, 2010
I mean really, why not just send her a cute text, like "wow our moms are crazy! but seriously, it'd be fun to take hang sometime. I was thinking about driving down in a couple weeks to (make up any excuse), wanna grab a drink?"
And then just go, see what happens, get a hotel, or just drive back that night. whateves.
posted by Rocket26 at 4:58 PM on January 11, 2010
And then just go, see what happens, get a hotel, or just drive back that night. whateves.
posted by Rocket26 at 4:58 PM on January 11, 2010
wanted a chance to really get to know A before I just jumped in, and the distance was a problem because I can't just go up there for no reason to visit only her.
I think I understand where you are coming from here.
As a woman who used to date, I can tell you that I doubt very much that A thinks you have anything to do with what she's heard from her mom or S's mom. I do, however, suspect she will feel odd if she finds out you're regularly checking with S to take the temperature of your encounters.
I think what you can take from this is what jbenben said above: it all gets to be too much of a group/family topic when you're talking to a potential romantic interest and your mutual friend. (This happens to younger people in dorm/greek house settings too.) I'd zero in on A for now and talk to S about other things. And I agree with everyone else that if the moms come up in discussion with A, just laugh with her about it. Tell her deadpan that you are indeed the World's Greatest Catch, no lie, or that you think there's a misstatement there, you are really a Most Dangerous Catch, something like that.
I have another suggestion besides driving/flying to A's location and asking her out from a hotel room, though that has a certain dashing romantic flavor that appeals to my schmoopy side. How about just calling her and chatting on the phone some? If the comfort level and enjoyment stays the same, and if you feel more comfortable with her, then the two of you can discuss getting together in your neck of the woods, hers, or somewhere in the middle. And then you can see how the get togethers go.
I do agree that it is a good idea to get to know someone well first before launching a serious, committed, relationship, but I think you can move along now on figuring out whether you two have a romantic click or just are going to be friends. Just shed your audience for now.
posted by bearwife at 5:17 PM on January 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think I understand where you are coming from here.
As a woman who used to date, I can tell you that I doubt very much that A thinks you have anything to do with what she's heard from her mom or S's mom. I do, however, suspect she will feel odd if she finds out you're regularly checking with S to take the temperature of your encounters.
I think what you can take from this is what jbenben said above: it all gets to be too much of a group/family topic when you're talking to a potential romantic interest and your mutual friend. (This happens to younger people in dorm/greek house settings too.) I'd zero in on A for now and talk to S about other things. And I agree with everyone else that if the moms come up in discussion with A, just laugh with her about it. Tell her deadpan that you are indeed the World's Greatest Catch, no lie, or that you think there's a misstatement there, you are really a Most Dangerous Catch, something like that.
I have another suggestion besides driving/flying to A's location and asking her out from a hotel room, though that has a certain dashing romantic flavor that appeals to my schmoopy side. How about just calling her and chatting on the phone some? If the comfort level and enjoyment stays the same, and if you feel more comfortable with her, then the two of you can discuss getting together in your neck of the woods, hers, or somewhere in the middle. And then you can see how the get togethers go.
I do agree that it is a good idea to get to know someone well first before launching a serious, committed, relationship, but I think you can move along now on figuring out whether you two have a romantic click or just are going to be friends. Just shed your audience for now.
posted by bearwife at 5:17 PM on January 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
(4) What would you think if your mom called you up and said S's mom said so-and-so is a catch? I frankly would be weirded out by all of this if I were her.
I'd think it was amusing, or I'd think it was annoying, but either way I'd think it was something to do with my mum rather than the dude. I don't think it would affect my perception of, or behavior towards, the latter.
So, I don't think it's something to get hugely worried about in terms of your interaction with A or indeed S. However, I understand being a bit baffled about being the topic of gossip between people's parents.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 7:18 PM on January 11, 2010
I'd think it was amusing, or I'd think it was annoying, but either way I'd think it was something to do with my mum rather than the dude. I don't think it would affect my perception of, or behavior towards, the latter.
So, I don't think it's something to get hugely worried about in terms of your interaction with A or indeed S. However, I understand being a bit baffled about being the topic of gossip between people's parents.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 7:18 PM on January 11, 2010
I think it very likely that A would be more embarrassed that HER mom was discussing her love life than that S's mom was mentioning you.
And before you get all weirded out..are you certain A even knows this conversation took place?
posted by agentwills at 6:11 AM on January 12, 2010
And before you get all weirded out..are you certain A even knows this conversation took place?
posted by agentwills at 6:11 AM on January 12, 2010
I am gunshy right now, given my past track record of going after people who weren't right for me, ok anyone. So I wanted a low-key way to figure this out slowly.
She might not stick around long enough for you to figure this out. You say you've spent a lot of time with her socially and know her fairly well. You're not going to find out what she's like in a relationship if she's hanging around for you to make a move - if she does then start another relationship it'll likely be because she doesn't think you're into her/aren't going to make a move.
Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts. Everyone meets "the wrong person" pretty much every single time - until they meet the right person.
Speaking from experience (3 years of our 8-years-and-counting relationship), 4 hours isn't so bad. Find some excuse to be in her area, book a (single room in a) hotel, meet for a meal and drinks and take it from there. Good luck with it all, you're obviously very much into her and it sounds like she's interested in you too. Life is far, far too short to worry about something you'll never find out until you take the leap.
And I mean that - you have zero chance of figuring out if she's right for you in a relationship until you try having a relationship with her.
posted by tzb at 5:48 AM on January 14, 2010
She might not stick around long enough for you to figure this out. You say you've spent a lot of time with her socially and know her fairly well. You're not going to find out what she's like in a relationship if she's hanging around for you to make a move - if she does then start another relationship it'll likely be because she doesn't think you're into her/aren't going to make a move.
Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts. Everyone meets "the wrong person" pretty much every single time - until they meet the right person.
Speaking from experience (3 years of our 8-years-and-counting relationship), 4 hours isn't so bad. Find some excuse to be in her area, book a (single room in a) hotel, meet for a meal and drinks and take it from there. Good luck with it all, you're obviously very much into her and it sounds like she's interested in you too. Life is far, far too short to worry about something you'll never find out until you take the leap.
And I mean that - you have zero chance of figuring out if she's right for you in a relationship until you try having a relationship with her.
posted by tzb at 5:48 AM on January 14, 2010
Sorry, final point - so the cat's out of the bag. It didn't happen the way you'd planned and the way it did happen was a little embarassing. Well, it's happened now. "The best laid plans" and all that, mothers have been having these sorts of hugely embarassing gossipy conversations since the dawn of time (probably) and I'm sure she realises that just as much as you do. Might as well make the most of it - if you don't make a move now, I think that'll give a pretty strong impression that either you're simply not interested, or you're too shy/scared and are never going to make a move.
Again, good luck. My two cents is be brave, who knows what you might be missing?
posted by tzb at 5:55 AM on January 14, 2010
Again, good luck. My two cents is be brave, who knows what you might be missing?
posted by tzb at 5:55 AM on January 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by youcancallmeal at 10:45 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]