Oh, here we go again.
December 21, 2009 9:35 PM Subscribe
I am an ENFP. He is an ENTP. Our emotional responses while arguing lead to complete exhaustion. M'aidez!
posted by opossumnus to Human Relations (27 answers total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
Obviously, I cannot entirely free my question of biases, but I will try to be as objective as I can:
Occasionally, my partner & I argue. Often our arguments are the result of miscommunication, so we're trying to work on that. However, our emotional responses, or lack thereof, seem to be an obstacle.
He typically shuts down when we start fighting & tries to be logical, rational, & expedient. When he does this, I feel like he's retreating emotionally & ceasing to be invested in our discussion. If (who am I kidding, when) I start crying, he'll watch me detachedly or try to prod me to continue what I was saying, regardless of my capacity for coherent speech; I end up feeling hurt and betrayed, & wonder why I'm spending so much energy on the conversation.
I, on the other hand, feel like I lose much of my ability to rationalize when I'm in a heightened emotional state; the lizard brain takes over, as it were. & I tend to get trapped inside of my emotional response instead of fighting to have a logical response. I try to be logical, but often I can't even remember what I said five seconds ago, much less remember a whole structure of cause and effect. I want to communicate on his level but continue to be undermined by my own hyperreactivity.
This nearly invariably happens. I have been working to disarm the triggers that turn a situation sour, but I would also like to have skills to cope when we're in the thick of things. In sum, I can't deal with him being cold, & he doesn't know how to relate to me. Has anyone successfully dealt with this before, or can point me to helpful resources?