I don't know if I want to even marry anyone!
January 5, 2010 9:24 AM Subscribe
Help me deal with fact it's quite probable my relationship will end sometime in the distant, unforeseeable future.
This is quite probable because we are both young (college-aged) and this is both of our first relationships. We have discussed this, and both agree we don't know how our futures will play out, where our careers will lead us geographically, etc. Neither of us are at all ready to settle down, so this should be a non-issue since we are in agreement, but for some reason our seemingly inevitable breakup somewhere in the distant future still makes me sad.
Logically I know this is right but emotionally.. I have a lump in my throat.
I am aware that sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, people meet their future husbands/wives in college and that first relationships don't always fail. However, despite the fact I love my partner, my partner is great, we have a rather good relationship, I still pessimistically/realistically look at this as thinking/knowing our relationship will eventually fail. I am so young and I don't know how I will change or how my partner will change yet, and so how can I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner?
I know I'm kinda looking at this from an all-or-nothing viewpoint but I really am having lots of trouble looking at it from any other way.
Maybe thinking the relationship will inevitably end is just a defense mechanism because I'm insecure. I don't know. But the point is, I don't want to feel badly about it and I want to accept it emotionally and be at least content with it. Help me meet that goal? Thanks.
I don't particularly want anecdotes or statistics about first relationships/college relationships that didn't fail, although you're welcome to share if you really want to. I think advice about how to deal with this sad feeling would be more helpful for me.
This is quite probable because we are both young (college-aged) and this is both of our first relationships. We have discussed this, and both agree we don't know how our futures will play out, where our careers will lead us geographically, etc. Neither of us are at all ready to settle down, so this should be a non-issue since we are in agreement, but for some reason our seemingly inevitable breakup somewhere in the distant future still makes me sad.
Logically I know this is right but emotionally.. I have a lump in my throat.
I am aware that sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, people meet their future husbands/wives in college and that first relationships don't always fail. However, despite the fact I love my partner, my partner is great, we have a rather good relationship, I still pessimistically/realistically look at this as thinking/knowing our relationship will eventually fail. I am so young and I don't know how I will change or how my partner will change yet, and so how can I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner?
I know I'm kinda looking at this from an all-or-nothing viewpoint but I really am having lots of trouble looking at it from any other way.
Maybe thinking the relationship will inevitably end is just a defense mechanism because I'm insecure. I don't know. But the point is, I don't want to feel badly about it and I want to accept it emotionally and be at least content with it. Help me meet that goal? Thanks.
I don't particularly want anecdotes or statistics about first relationships/college relationships that didn't fail, although you're welcome to share if you really want to. I think advice about how to deal with this sad feeling would be more helpful for me.
An absurd source of help, maybe, but I really like this quote I came across written on a bathroom wall once: "If you have one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you shit on the present."
Any sort of philosophy or practice that emphasizes being in the moment might really be of help to you right now. For instance, my sister is very big into meditation, yoga, and a lot of the philosophy that surrounds it, and that seems like something that could be of real benefit if you're having a hard time immersing in and savoring what you have now rather than focusing on a dread of what might be to come ...
posted by DingoMutt at 9:37 AM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
Any sort of philosophy or practice that emphasizes being in the moment might really be of help to you right now. For instance, my sister is very big into meditation, yoga, and a lot of the philosophy that surrounds it, and that seems like something that could be of real benefit if you're having a hard time immersing in and savoring what you have now rather than focusing on a dread of what might be to come ...
posted by DingoMutt at 9:37 AM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
I guess I would say "So what?" Ending doesn't make it not worthwhile. You'll enjoy yourself while you're in it. You'll grow. You'll learn what you need and what you don't need in a partner. And you'll be better off for future relationships.
"All relationships fail until one doesn't." -Dan Savage
posted by chris p at 9:38 AM on January 5, 2010
"All relationships fail until one doesn't." -Dan Savage
posted by chris p at 9:38 AM on January 5, 2010
Live in the moment and appreciate what you have. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, much less years down the line.
posted by something something at 9:40 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by something something at 9:40 AM on January 5, 2010
Obviously, as this is your first relationship, you can't exactly look back with wise eyes, but I would recommend that you think from a future-you breakup standpoint and ask yourself what you wish you could have done while you were still together. Personally, I would have done more for my first boyfriend in the way of surprises, or little nice things that don't cost much but are meaningful.
When we broke up, it suuuuucked. I can't even emphasize it, and I wish I could tell you something like "oh, life moves on, it isn't so bad" but then I would be a liar. It was one of those "we're both in geographically and educationally different places in our lives, so instead of forcing this to work over hundreds of miles we should probably separate" things. Even without a big painful angry breakup, it hurt like hell. I still have dreams about him where we're still together, and I'm in a happy, committed relationship now.
But back to your question, how does one deal with the sad feelings? Personally (and your reaction may be different), I found it was much, much easier to move on with my life when I both had friends to hang out with and a romantic interest to crush on. I'm not saying that you need to rebound the next day, but having a potential date in the wings leaves much less heartache. Keep it casual at first, and give it a few months before you commit to any one person seriously.
As another personal recommendation, if you do break up and go separate ways, please resist the almost insurmountable urge to keep in contact regularly. This just prolongs the hurt feelings and makes you reminisce about how fun they are and keep you from moving on, and moving on is why you would break up in the first place.
And as freud said, get some good practice about how to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. Learn better communication techniques. Realize when you are being unreasonable. I am glad for all of my past relationships if only for the skills that I accumulated during (much) trial and error.
posted by amicamentis at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2010
When we broke up, it suuuuucked. I can't even emphasize it, and I wish I could tell you something like "oh, life moves on, it isn't so bad" but then I would be a liar. It was one of those "we're both in geographically and educationally different places in our lives, so instead of forcing this to work over hundreds of miles we should probably separate" things. Even without a big painful angry breakup, it hurt like hell. I still have dreams about him where we're still together, and I'm in a happy, committed relationship now.
But back to your question, how does one deal with the sad feelings? Personally (and your reaction may be different), I found it was much, much easier to move on with my life when I both had friends to hang out with and a romantic interest to crush on. I'm not saying that you need to rebound the next day, but having a potential date in the wings leaves much less heartache. Keep it casual at first, and give it a few months before you commit to any one person seriously.
As another personal recommendation, if you do break up and go separate ways, please resist the almost insurmountable urge to keep in contact regularly. This just prolongs the hurt feelings and makes you reminisce about how fun they are and keep you from moving on, and moving on is why you would break up in the first place.
And as freud said, get some good practice about how to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. Learn better communication techniques. Realize when you are being unreasonable. I am glad for all of my past relationships if only for the skills that I accumulated during (much) trial and error.
posted by amicamentis at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2010
Give it time. Your mind will accept it eventually, like your brain already has.
As with pretty much every other emotional situation, there's no magic button to press to turn [feeling] into [another feeling]. If you've only just realised 9as in logically thought about) this new fact, then it's natural that your mind hasn't accepted it yet. You mind loves being in a relationship, and will behave like a petulant child to prevent you from dealing with the fact that there might come a point when you aren't in one.
However, all relationships fail eventually, no matter how blissful. One of you will die at some point, and that will be that. Right now, it's just a matter of reminding yourself repeatedly that all relationships fail somehow.
Is part of this perhaps the not knowing of how you're going to feel when the breakup does happen?
posted by Solomon at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
As with pretty much every other emotional situation, there's no magic button to press to turn [feeling] into [another feeling]. If you've only just realised 9as in logically thought about) this new fact, then it's natural that your mind hasn't accepted it yet. You mind loves being in a relationship, and will behave like a petulant child to prevent you from dealing with the fact that there might come a point when you aren't in one.
However, all relationships fail eventually, no matter how blissful. One of you will die at some point, and that will be that. Right now, it's just a matter of reminding yourself repeatedly that all relationships fail somehow.
Is part of this perhaps the not knowing of how you're going to feel when the breakup does happen?
posted by Solomon at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
100% of relationships end, including my grandparents', who were each other's first love and were married for 50+ years. My grandmother grieved and then went on with the next 14 years of her life.
That's all anyone can do--enjoy the relationship while it's happening, grieve when it's over, and then go on with your life. There's no need to jump forward in the cycle.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:45 AM on January 5, 2010 [11 favorites]
That's all anyone can do--enjoy the relationship while it's happening, grieve when it's over, and then go on with your life. There's no need to jump forward in the cycle.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:45 AM on January 5, 2010 [11 favorites]
I've said this elsewhere on Ask.Metafilter, but I think it pertains to your fears: "Sometimes the hardest part about breaking up isn't losing the relationship, but seeing the other person move on. It's not really jealousy, more of an existential panic that they're going to forget you, and forget the best parts of dating you."
Odds are, you're right: you and your first love will probably not wind up together forever and ever. You need to let go of the expectation that everyone you love will always be in love with you. You also need to not obsess over a future that you know you can't control. When I was your age, it'd be instant death to a relationship if I knew for sure how it would end. I didn't want to know if we were essentially not going to work (what's the point if it's all going to end, I'd think to myself) or if we were going to grow old together (I was way too immature and restless to meet my soulmate, and had much more dating to do).
Honestly, you don't want to know the ending of the love story. I can tell. Either answer would probably make you jump out of your skin. So stop trying to outline this relationship and just enjoy it as an organic progression of love and maturation.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:45 AM on January 5, 2010
Odds are, you're right: you and your first love will probably not wind up together forever and ever. You need to let go of the expectation that everyone you love will always be in love with you. You also need to not obsess over a future that you know you can't control. When I was your age, it'd be instant death to a relationship if I knew for sure how it would end. I didn't want to know if we were essentially not going to work (what's the point if it's all going to end, I'd think to myself) or if we were going to grow old together (I was way too immature and restless to meet my soulmate, and had much more dating to do).
Honestly, you don't want to know the ending of the love story. I can tell. Either answer would probably make you jump out of your skin. So stop trying to outline this relationship and just enjoy it as an organic progression of love and maturation.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:45 AM on January 5, 2010
What helps me feel "good" about an upcoming end is to consider what I have done in the time I had. Did I make an effort to spend enough time with the person, doing happy things? Will my memories of this person be good ones, no regrets?
If I can answer yes, then the end, whilst sad, will not be devastating. I did what I could, I made the most of what was there, and despite the never-ending "room for more" I know that my time with the person was not spent in vain nor filled with empty promises.
Whether it's a break-up or passing-on, this approach is something I've come to learn over my years of mistakes and missed opportunities. I can't say if or when you might come to this point in your own life, but hopefully it's a different perspective that can help you cope with the emotions you face.
posted by CancerMan at 9:47 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I can answer yes, then the end, whilst sad, will not be devastating. I did what I could, I made the most of what was there, and despite the never-ending "room for more" I know that my time with the person was not spent in vain nor filled with empty promises.
Whether it's a break-up or passing-on, this approach is something I've come to learn over my years of mistakes and missed opportunities. I can't say if or when you might come to this point in your own life, but hopefully it's a different perspective that can help you cope with the emotions you face.
posted by CancerMan at 9:47 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
All relationships end. Every single one, even the one that lasts--one of you will die.
Not to be all morbid and mopey, but that's the truth. If you can develop an outlook that EVERYTHING will end--not just this one relationship--you can develop an appreciation for the here and now. You will still feel sad about the ending, but it's inevitable in one way or another.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:50 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not to be all morbid and mopey, but that's the truth. If you can develop an outlook that EVERYTHING will end--not just this one relationship--you can develop an appreciation for the here and now. You will still feel sad about the ending, but it's inevitable in one way or another.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:50 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
I read somewhere that all relationships end in either death or divorce.
This, somehow, helped me put it in The Big Picture perspective and calms me down.
Knowing that the relationship I'm in will eventually end helps me accept it, forget about the future and instead focus on what's happening with the relationship now.
How can I have more fun, how I can show her more affection, etc.
Don't get freaked out about the use of the word death; you need to use both the literal and the figurative sense of the word.
Even if a couple has been married for 50 years, one of them can still die, ending the relationship (literal).
Even if you love the other person dearly, they could still break up with you (figurative).
I'm sure I'm not doing the statement justice by trying to lamely explain it here, but just think about it - and hopefully you will come to the same realization that I did and just enjoy the relationship you're in now, make every minute of it count, and not worry about the future :)
posted by willmize at 9:52 AM on January 5, 2010
This, somehow, helped me put it in The Big Picture perspective and calms me down.
Knowing that the relationship I'm in will eventually end helps me accept it, forget about the future and instead focus on what's happening with the relationship now.
How can I have more fun, how I can show her more affection, etc.
Don't get freaked out about the use of the word death; you need to use both the literal and the figurative sense of the word.
Even if a couple has been married for 50 years, one of them can still die, ending the relationship (literal).
Even if you love the other person dearly, they could still break up with you (figurative).
I'm sure I'm not doing the statement justice by trying to lamely explain it here, but just think about it - and hopefully you will come to the same realization that I did and just enjoy the relationship you're in now, make every minute of it count, and not worry about the future :)
posted by willmize at 9:52 AM on January 5, 2010
I dated my college boyfriend from mid-freshman year to the summer before senior year (which was this past summer). We'd done long-distance for a year, and broke up because, basically, I couldn't vow I'd move to be with him in another year, and he couldn't vow he'd stay in the area if I did (his job can involve a lot of relocation.)
So, it's been over four months now. It's gotten easier, and I am at the point where I'd consider dating again, but every now and then I still cry over it. This past semester has contained some the worst emotional times of my life, though it hasn't been all bad, for sure.
What helped:
-talking to a counselor and keeping a journal
-being around my friends as much as possible (but not overburdening them with my depression- this took a while to get right, and there may have been a drunken cry session in there).
-waiting over a month to contact my ex (we'd agreed on this beforehand). In retrospect that was not quite enough time, but I still highly recommend this if you want to try being friends. We still haven't met again in person, but we are now at the point where we can talk about dating other people to each other and it's not too weird.
-trying to always remember the main reasons we broke up- both in terms of my goals and our incompatibilities- so as not to dwell on the things I was missing about him.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:01 AM on January 5, 2010
So, it's been over four months now. It's gotten easier, and I am at the point where I'd consider dating again, but every now and then I still cry over it. This past semester has contained some the worst emotional times of my life, though it hasn't been all bad, for sure.
What helped:
-talking to a counselor and keeping a journal
-being around my friends as much as possible (but not overburdening them with my depression- this took a while to get right, and there may have been a drunken cry session in there).
-waiting over a month to contact my ex (we'd agreed on this beforehand). In retrospect that was not quite enough time, but I still highly recommend this if you want to try being friends. We still haven't met again in person, but we are now at the point where we can talk about dating other people to each other and it's not too weird.
-trying to always remember the main reasons we broke up- both in terms of my goals and our incompatibilities- so as not to dwell on the things I was missing about him.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:01 AM on January 5, 2010
Think of it this way: you only ever have to do what is right for you right now. I have had kind of the opposite existential dread:
"What if the girl I'm with now and I end up being right for each other and we get married?? There are so many things I missed out on and I'm not ready to stop being single yet!"
But: a) this never seems to happen to me anyway and b) if and when it does, I'm sure I will be so happy and it will feel so right I'll forget about all my other issues.
If you do end up breaking up, it will be because at that time you felt that was the right step. If you end up staying together, it's because you felt you were ready for that commitment. All you have to worry about now is now. Let the future take care of itself when it comes.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:06 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
"What if the girl I'm with now and I end up being right for each other and we get married?? There are so many things I missed out on and I'm not ready to stop being single yet!"
But: a) this never seems to happen to me anyway and b) if and when it does, I'm sure I will be so happy and it will feel so right I'll forget about all my other issues.
If you do end up breaking up, it will be because at that time you felt that was the right step. If you end up staying together, it's because you felt you were ready for that commitment. All you have to worry about now is now. Let the future take care of itself when it comes.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:06 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Which is to say, don't worry about breaking up because "everyone breaks up with their college SO." That's not why people break up. Everyone has their own, actual reason, and when the time comes it will feel right, even if it's painful.
Or else, who knows, maybe it never comes and you stay together. But don't think you "have to" break up until there is an actual problem.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:08 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Or else, who knows, maybe it never comes and you stay together. But don't think you "have to" break up until there is an actual problem.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:08 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
At your time in life (aka my time in life recently), everything is up in the air, where you'll be, what you'll be doing, how you'll feel doing it. Why expect your relationship to stay the same? It could get great or it could end (don't say fail, you'll still be awesome), but enjoy it now and take your partner out to dinner tonight.
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on January 5, 2010
I think you need to take a little bit more pragmatic view of relationships. I really wish I had done so at an earlier age!
It seems like you are accepting some rigid norms that you somehow picked up along the way and are applying them to your own life unnecessarily. You have divided your life into sections; Young-And-Free and Settled-Down. You have convinced yourself that staying with a partner will induce a magical transition from one to the other. Because of this, you're imagining some point at which you'll have to sit your partner down and tell them that their semantic requirements are incompatible with the timeline to which you feel the need to adhere.
This is completely the wrong way to look at it! Relationship partners are just that - partners. The relationship itself doesn't actually carry any weight or responsibilities at all; you two decide them for yourselves. If your goals are similar, you're sexually compatible, and you support one another emotionally and logistically, there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't stay together indefinitely. Don't think that sticking with a person to see where it leads will force you to go looking for a house in the suburbs and start popping out babies. You define what happens in your life! You can most definitely do almost everything together that you could do single as long as you both want the same things and hold the same values. There are plenty of couples bumming around Europe, climbing the corporate ladder, and even sleeping around if that's your thing.
Similarly, your paths or personality or personal hygiene may be incompatible. Or you may just want to do things on your own. There may be plenty of good reasons to end this relationship tomorrow or next year. I'm just saying that it is a huge mistake to end it because you feel that you are supposed to.
posted by Willie0248 at 10:12 AM on January 5, 2010 [19 favorites]
It seems like you are accepting some rigid norms that you somehow picked up along the way and are applying them to your own life unnecessarily. You have divided your life into sections; Young-And-Free and Settled-Down. You have convinced yourself that staying with a partner will induce a magical transition from one to the other. Because of this, you're imagining some point at which you'll have to sit your partner down and tell them that their semantic requirements are incompatible with the timeline to which you feel the need to adhere.
This is completely the wrong way to look at it! Relationship partners are just that - partners. The relationship itself doesn't actually carry any weight or responsibilities at all; you two decide them for yourselves. If your goals are similar, you're sexually compatible, and you support one another emotionally and logistically, there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't stay together indefinitely. Don't think that sticking with a person to see where it leads will force you to go looking for a house in the suburbs and start popping out babies. You define what happens in your life! You can most definitely do almost everything together that you could do single as long as you both want the same things and hold the same values. There are plenty of couples bumming around Europe, climbing the corporate ladder, and even sleeping around if that's your thing.
Similarly, your paths or personality or personal hygiene may be incompatible. Or you may just want to do things on your own. There may be plenty of good reasons to end this relationship tomorrow or next year. I'm just saying that it is a huge mistake to end it because you feel that you are supposed to.
posted by Willie0248 at 10:12 AM on January 5, 2010 [19 favorites]
With my first serious boyfriend, I developed the habit of planning the break-up.
It helped that I have an off-beat childish sense of humor. But "when you break up with me, promise you'll still call and check up on me" turned into another way of saying "I love you enough that I don't want to imagine you not in my life. Even if it turns out we're crappy for each other and need to move on".
In the end, we did break up. And the break up went differently than our planned escape plan. But cementing that we wanted to be there for each other as friends prior to the break up helped us stay friends.
It helped me create a sense that something can be worthwhile even if it's not guaranteed to stick around. Eventually life teaches us that lesson via experience. Now it's just second nature to understand that the only constant is change.
posted by politikitty at 10:48 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
It helped that I have an off-beat childish sense of humor. But "when you break up with me, promise you'll still call and check up on me" turned into another way of saying "I love you enough that I don't want to imagine you not in my life. Even if it turns out we're crappy for each other and need to move on".
In the end, we did break up. And the break up went differently than our planned escape plan. But cementing that we wanted to be there for each other as friends prior to the break up helped us stay friends.
It helped me create a sense that something can be worthwhile even if it's not guaranteed to stick around. Eventually life teaches us that lesson via experience. Now it's just second nature to understand that the only constant is change.
posted by politikitty at 10:48 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
I want to second Willie0248. You are young. You are stupid. You are unsettled. That doesn't meant that your relationship has to change when/if those things change. If you respect each other enough to be constructive team mates, then there's no reason that you all can't blossom into a long loving partnership.
That's a lot easier said than done. Someone becomes impotent, gets a job in Korea, develops an addiction, starts saying mean things... the list of problems that you'll have to encounter is as diverse as the number of people on Earth. But that doesn't mean they are insurmountable.
Life doesn't have an endpoint when things are just settled and ready to go and you can just arrive with a neatly wrapped package to present someone. It's a journey. You're already on this journey with your boyfriend. You've already reached the only destination there is: life. The rest is just working out details.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:58 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's a lot easier said than done. Someone becomes impotent, gets a job in Korea, develops an addiction, starts saying mean things... the list of problems that you'll have to encounter is as diverse as the number of people on Earth. But that doesn't mean they are insurmountable.
Life doesn't have an endpoint when things are just settled and ready to go and you can just arrive with a neatly wrapped package to present someone. It's a journey. You're already on this journey with your boyfriend. You've already reached the only destination there is: life. The rest is just working out details.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:58 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think Willie0248 and drjimmy11 make very good points. Yes, there's a good chance you'll break up if for no other reason than that's how the vast majority of relationships end. It's good that you're not super invested in a fairy tale ending with your first love (or any of the subsequent ones either).
That said, so long as you aren't holding yourself back or making sacrificing too much of your self or your potential for the relationship, it's not a bad thing to let yourself live in the present. There may come a time when you have to make choices for your future and your goals that don't let the relationship remain viable. There may come a time when one of you falls out of love, fails in a crisis, meets someone else, or just generally becomes incompatible. Or there may not.
I'm currently planning my wedding to my high school sweetheart (who I started dating nearly 12 years ago). When people ask us how we've been together so long, we tell them it's been more like three different relationships that just happened to be with the same person. High school, college, and post college have all required fresh commitment, new rules, communication, and compromises.
At every stage we've had to make choices and evaluate whether we could be together in the new stage in our lives. It got easier to do those things every time because our mutual choices had put us on a more and more parallel path. He also likes to say, in a relationship, sometimes you sing while your partner claps and sometimes they sing while you clap. Basically, we've both made sacrifices for the other's life path and we've both been sacrificed for, and at the end of the day, we feel enriched instead of diminished by those carefully considered choices.
So my point is, don't shortchange what you have now for fears of the future and don't shortchange your future by becoming too attached to what is "supposed to" or "will inevitably" happen next. You get to make your own rules for how your relationship is shaped and what happens next.
posted by mostlymartha at 10:59 AM on January 5, 2010 [7 favorites]
That said, so long as you aren't holding yourself back or making sacrificing too much of your self or your potential for the relationship, it's not a bad thing to let yourself live in the present. There may come a time when you have to make choices for your future and your goals that don't let the relationship remain viable. There may come a time when one of you falls out of love, fails in a crisis, meets someone else, or just generally becomes incompatible. Or there may not.
I'm currently planning my wedding to my high school sweetheart (who I started dating nearly 12 years ago). When people ask us how we've been together so long, we tell them it's been more like three different relationships that just happened to be with the same person. High school, college, and post college have all required fresh commitment, new rules, communication, and compromises.
At every stage we've had to make choices and evaluate whether we could be together in the new stage in our lives. It got easier to do those things every time because our mutual choices had put us on a more and more parallel path. He also likes to say, in a relationship, sometimes you sing while your partner claps and sometimes they sing while you clap. Basically, we've both made sacrifices for the other's life path and we've both been sacrificed for, and at the end of the day, we feel enriched instead of diminished by those carefully considered choices.
So my point is, don't shortchange what you have now for fears of the future and don't shortchange your future by becoming too attached to what is "supposed to" or "will inevitably" happen next. You get to make your own rules for how your relationship is shaped and what happens next.
posted by mostlymartha at 10:59 AM on January 5, 2010 [7 favorites]
Don't fixate on a possible negative ending; self-defeating thought patterns just end up, well, with you defeating yourself.
As far as first loves go - one of my best friends is married to his high-school girlfriend. They've been together for 16 years and just had their first kid... first relationship does not necessarily mean doomed.
posted by Billegible at 11:04 AM on January 5, 2010
As far as first loves go - one of my best friends is married to his high-school girlfriend. They've been together for 16 years and just had their first kid... first relationship does not necessarily mean doomed.
posted by Billegible at 11:04 AM on January 5, 2010
Most relationships (romantic and otherwise) don't last a lifetime. Jobs don't last a lifetime. Pets don't last a lifetime. Vacations, great meals, fantastic movies...the list goes on forever.
Yes loss stings, but it's still worth the effort to enjoy things while they last. Letting fears about the future ruin the present is a recipe for unhappiness.
posted by 26.2 at 11:05 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes loss stings, but it's still worth the effort to enjoy things while they last. Letting fears about the future ruin the present is a recipe for unhappiness.
posted by 26.2 at 11:05 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's always been in my head that in a relationship, the best-case-scenario is that 80 years down the line one of us is going to watch the other die. Woo fatalism! However, the upside of that is once it's accepted, all those 'but what ifs' that hold you back to giving your all to a relationship kinda fall by the wayside as inconsequential. Might as well jump in and make the best of it while you've got it, and enjoy every moment you have with your loved ones! Don't let trepidation and second guessing rob you of a chance for something wonderful while you can have it.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:14 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by FatherDagon at 11:14 AM on January 5, 2010
Help me deal with fact it's quite probable my relationship will end sometime in the distant, unforeseeable future.
Every single one does. Unless you count heaven. Accept impermanence.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:30 AM on January 5, 2010
Every single one does. Unless you count heaven. Accept impermanence.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:30 AM on January 5, 2010
Actually, none of us know if we (or our loved ones) will die today--this evening, this afternoon, five minutes from now. And if you've ever had even five wonderful, delirious intoxicating minutes deeply experiencing joy with someone, be grateful for those five minutes and let the rest go.
posted by aquafortis at 11:31 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by aquafortis at 11:31 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
What do you mean by "fail"? What does it mean for a relationship to "succeed"? That it be permanent? (See above re death.) That it lead to marriage? Why is that the criterion of success??
Your current relationship can be a glorious success on its own terms -- a help to both of you on the way to adulthood, a safe classroom in which to learn about sex, love, intimacy, and friendship.
Ending ≠ failure, and thus not all relationships fail.
posted by kestrel251 at 11:51 AM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
Your current relationship can be a glorious success on its own terms -- a help to both of you on the way to adulthood, a safe classroom in which to learn about sex, love, intimacy, and friendship.
Ending ≠ failure, and thus not all relationships fail.
posted by kestrel251 at 11:51 AM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
At one point in college, I had a boyfriend of some duration, and a friend made a comment about "Can I be a bridesmaid in your wedding," to which I responded that there was no way we could ever marry due to religious differences. He looked at me and said, "Oh, really?" because we had never discussed this, I had just decided it, and declared it at a party to an entire group of people. I didn't do it to be mean, and I'm not sure i'd thought it out in depth.
Things were never quite the same after that, and that was too bad, because he was a nice guy, it was a very good relationship, the religious differences were only a problem in very random and odd situations. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have been a big deal later or that we would have ended up getting married (doubtful) but I think we probably could have gone on longer than we did and enjoyed the time together and benefited from that experience. Instead, it ended badly and abruptly not that much later.
don't do that.
posted by micawber at 12:06 PM on January 5, 2010
Things were never quite the same after that, and that was too bad, because he was a nice guy, it was a very good relationship, the religious differences were only a problem in very random and odd situations. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have been a big deal later or that we would have ended up getting married (doubtful) but I think we probably could have gone on longer than we did and enjoyed the time together and benefited from that experience. Instead, it ended badly and abruptly not that much later.
don't do that.
posted by micawber at 12:06 PM on January 5, 2010
I did this when I was younger. I had a relationship break up in the midst of what was probably the most messed-up time of my life (up to that point), so when someone new came along that I really did care about (after someone who didn't matter that much), I couldn't handle it and did a "pre-emptive breakup" after only two weeks or so of dating. Because, hey, you're going to get upset and break up sometime or other, so why not do it now and control it on your own terms, right?
God, what a dumb move. I did it, felt awful, and the not-quite-dalliance continued for months because it hadn't broken off nicely.
So now, ten years and multiple relationships later, I just take it a day at a time. I focus on being caring to my partner moment by moment and being careful to do the best I can -- be kind, be thoughtful, don't be mean or snarky or cruel, do nice things for him for no reason other than making him happy. And TALK.
I admit that I tell myself that part of the reason I do that is that I can't guarantee how forgetful or rude I'll be after the honeymoon period wears off, but just getting in the habit of behaving this way makes our relationship better.
You have no idea whether your partner will dump you tomorrow, get hit by a dump truck or become your spouse. So just focus on being the best partner you can be for where and when you are in your lives. The rest will fall into place.
posted by Madamina at 12:43 PM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
God, what a dumb move. I did it, felt awful, and the not-quite-dalliance continued for months because it hadn't broken off nicely.
So now, ten years and multiple relationships later, I just take it a day at a time. I focus on being caring to my partner moment by moment and being careful to do the best I can -- be kind, be thoughtful, don't be mean or snarky or cruel, do nice things for him for no reason other than making him happy. And TALK.
I admit that I tell myself that part of the reason I do that is that I can't guarantee how forgetful or rude I'll be after the honeymoon period wears off, but just getting in the habit of behaving this way makes our relationship better.
You have no idea whether your partner will dump you tomorrow, get hit by a dump truck or become your spouse. So just focus on being the best partner you can be for where and when you are in your lives. The rest will fall into place.
posted by Madamina at 12:43 PM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
I get the sense you think the relationship has to end because it's your first relationship.
This isn't always the case. The first relationship isn't necessarily the one you have to break-up just because it's the first one. There are people who married their high school sweethearts and are still together or together forever.
Not everyone has had six or seven relationships in their lifetimes. You have to participate fully in each relationship and not torpedo it just because you think you're too young.
posted by anniecat at 1:39 PM on January 5, 2010
This isn't always the case. The first relationship isn't necessarily the one you have to break-up just because it's the first one. There are people who married their high school sweethearts and are still together or together forever.
Not everyone has had six or seven relationships in their lifetimes. You have to participate fully in each relationship and not torpedo it just because you think you're too young.
posted by anniecat at 1:39 PM on January 5, 2010
All relationships are finite. That's part of what makes them wonderful. It would take some of the spice out if things truly lasted forever.
posted by French Fry at 2:20 PM on January 5, 2010
posted by French Fry at 2:20 PM on January 5, 2010
We're kind of in the same situation. This thread has made me feel better. Basically, I've just accepted it as: I love my boyfriend, and when I think about the future or start to stress out about X, Y, or Z, then I get really depressed and distraught and start thinking, essentially, "We'll break up some day -- why not now?"
But then I realize that would be breaking off a relationship for no concrete reason whatsoever besides "I feel like I should," and even if I am in college and am stereotypically supposed to "live it up"... well, I wouldn't want to live it up with anyone else, even if sometimes things are stressful and hard. And if we break up in the future, that will happen in the future. I don't want it to happen, but maybe I will want that to happen when/if it does.
posted by elisabethjw at 5:47 PM on January 5, 2010
But then I realize that would be breaking off a relationship for no concrete reason whatsoever besides "I feel like I should," and even if I am in college and am stereotypically supposed to "live it up"... well, I wouldn't want to live it up with anyone else, even if sometimes things are stressful and hard. And if we break up in the future, that will happen in the future. I don't want it to happen, but maybe I will want that to happen when/if it does.
posted by elisabethjw at 5:47 PM on January 5, 2010
Hi. Same situation--college senior, my first relationship (not his), we started dating in October, and the prospect of our breaking up combined with the end of college makes me even LESS willing to graduate! I was very sad about this for a while (sad.... during the wonderful relationship we're having), but this is the conclusion I came to:
(1) My BF and I aren't meant for forever. We essentially are dating (exclusively) for fun, and this is a low-maintence, nice "training wheels" relationship for me, just to get the feel of what it's like to "be in a relationship" without having to have the "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT KIDS? RELIGION? MARRIAGE? MONEY?" conversations. But my BF and I have very different values that would make us incompatible for the long-term, or at least make it *extremely* difficult when we can both find LT partners who are more compatible in these ways when we're both ready. But it's sooooo much fun in the interim.
I don't know if this is the case for you, though.
(2) There are some things that are wonderful because they don't last. I was thinking about this with respect to my university experience: I've met plenty of "5th-year victory" lappers who REALLY want to leave and are just ready to. But I don't want to look back on college and think, "God, was I GLAD to get out of there." Leaving just a smidgen too early, however before I've drank to the very last, last dregs is essential for looking back on my time in uni fondly. And it's the same with my relationship (and I don't know about yours). If BF and I were together long-term, Geez, he's a SLOB to the nth degree, he's x, not y, not Z enough---all of these things would grate on me. However, thanks to the transitory nature of our relationship, I can enjoy all of his wonderful good qualities, how great he makes me feel, the smell of his cologne on my clothes, how much being around each other lights us both up---and those negatives don't really have to be negatives for me to consider.
It's like chocolate cake. If you had the most delicious chocolate cake of your entire life every single day, three times a day, I doubt you'd be savoring every.single.forkful. as you would if this were your once-in-a-lifetime treat. I'd rather remember the chocolate cake as utterly fabulous, but too rich for me to enjoy on a daily basis.
I realize that my thoughts may not be very constructive to your situation (you two may be very compatible), and in that case you should listen to the posters above. But if you find yourself like me and my BF shaking our heads at how different and opposite we are for the LT, realizing that things are wonderful because they're transitory has made me a lot happier. And I just focus on the fact that he will be in my memories and I in his, and I want all of those memories to be spectacular. Part of the reason I have the luxury of dating someone like my BF is that I am in absolutely no condition (and, frankly, neither is he) to pick a lifelong mate. I barely know what I'm about, and jumping into an "us" before I've begun to figure out "me" wouldn't be fair to myself, in my own personal situation.
Go watch Rent! :-)
posted by Dukat at 7:39 PM on January 5, 2010
(1) My BF and I aren't meant for forever. We essentially are dating (exclusively) for fun, and this is a low-maintence, nice "training wheels" relationship for me, just to get the feel of what it's like to "be in a relationship" without having to have the "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT KIDS? RELIGION? MARRIAGE? MONEY?" conversations. But my BF and I have very different values that would make us incompatible for the long-term, or at least make it *extremely* difficult when we can both find LT partners who are more compatible in these ways when we're both ready. But it's sooooo much fun in the interim.
I don't know if this is the case for you, though.
(2) There are some things that are wonderful because they don't last. I was thinking about this with respect to my university experience: I've met plenty of "5th-year victory" lappers who REALLY want to leave and are just ready to. But I don't want to look back on college and think, "God, was I GLAD to get out of there." Leaving just a smidgen too early, however before I've drank to the very last, last dregs is essential for looking back on my time in uni fondly. And it's the same with my relationship (and I don't know about yours). If BF and I were together long-term, Geez, he's a SLOB to the nth degree, he's x, not y, not Z enough---all of these things would grate on me. However, thanks to the transitory nature of our relationship, I can enjoy all of his wonderful good qualities, how great he makes me feel, the smell of his cologne on my clothes, how much being around each other lights us both up---and those negatives don't really have to be negatives for me to consider.
It's like chocolate cake. If you had the most delicious chocolate cake of your entire life every single day, three times a day, I doubt you'd be savoring every.single.forkful. as you would if this were your once-in-a-lifetime treat. I'd rather remember the chocolate cake as utterly fabulous, but too rich for me to enjoy on a daily basis.
I realize that my thoughts may not be very constructive to your situation (you two may be very compatible), and in that case you should listen to the posters above. But if you find yourself like me and my BF shaking our heads at how different and opposite we are for the LT, realizing that things are wonderful because they're transitory has made me a lot happier. And I just focus on the fact that he will be in my memories and I in his, and I want all of those memories to be spectacular. Part of the reason I have the luxury of dating someone like my BF is that I am in absolutely no condition (and, frankly, neither is he) to pick a lifelong mate. I barely know what I'm about, and jumping into an "us" before I've begun to figure out "me" wouldn't be fair to myself, in my own personal situation.
Go watch Rent! :-)
posted by Dukat at 7:39 PM on January 5, 2010
All relationships end in the distant (or not so) future. Length of time doesn't matter as much as your post makes it sound. The only differences is that in some rare cases the relationship ends when one partner is buried.
posted by RawrGulMuffins at 6:06 AM on January 6, 2010
posted by RawrGulMuffins at 6:06 AM on January 6, 2010
You don't actually have a problem. Maybe in the future you'll break up with this person. If so, the future is probably a good time to worry about this. Right now you say you have a happy and fulfilled relationship. That sounds pretty good.
And really, there is no reason to think things will end just because it's your first relationship.
posted by chunking express at 11:48 AM on January 6, 2010
And really, there is no reason to think things will end just because it's your first relationship.
posted by chunking express at 11:48 AM on January 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Learn to be great at being a bf/gf, enjoy the highs and the lows and maybe things might pan out in ways you never expected.
posted by freud at 9:28 AM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]